After 24 Hours of Darkness, I'm Out of It!

After a day dwelling in negative side of things, I've decided to walk out of darkness by embracing the uncharted future with slightly more courage than yesterday. Ain't easy, the negativity still looms around like shadow (which won't go away because shadows and sunlight do go hand in hand with each other). Two sides of the same coin, in fact, my miseries and how the Lord can work in me. I was walking towards darkness last night. The Lord saw me, and my guardian angel probably stood by my side keeping me from being sucked into total darkness. I'm thankful it was the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola on 31st July and I made it a point to attend mass on feast days of my patron saints.

Yesterday, I dwelt on how a person would choose to walk away eventually from me just because I am me, and how I define close friend. After much thoughts, reflections and considerations, perhaps it was just a mechanism that shows how fearful we both are when it comes to taking a step forward to be closer friends. Fear sometimes can cause us to freeze at where we are, because we don't know how to handle it. I froze to my seat in fear upon returning from Poland and broke down because I didn't know how I could handle my unwritten dissertation. Thank God for those who were patient with me during the difficult period of time.

Back to the story of my patron saints... The one whose name I bear is St. Therese of Lisieux. My baptismal name is Cindy Theresa (Theresa is a variant of Therese). Her feast day is 1 October. With her I made the journey to learn how to love once again. Then, there's St. Jude Thaddeus, whose feast day is on 28 October. He's the one I seek for intercessions all the time for impossible cases and prayers had been answered through his intercessions indeed. I've come to appreciate the Ignatian spirituality founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. By pure coincidence (though I believe that nothing is truly a coincidence to God), I stumbled into the monastery, La Cova de Manresa, Barcelona, where St. Ignatius of Loyola spent eleven months to write the book of the Spiritual Exercises. Honestly, I've not experienced the full Spiritual Exercises before as I'm unsure if I could handle it by myself. The Lord blessed me with the presence of Fr. Tri Dinh while I was on a supposed personal retreat in the Cave when I was told there won't be any English-speaking priest available to guide me. That was two years ago. Yet, it is fresh in my memory the strange peace which overcame me when I was in the tiny little cave while Fr. Tri Dinh told me that St. Ignatius was there some 500 years ago. I realise that subconsciously I become more aware of myself as I reflect deeper of my being. That's why St. Ignatius is also my patron saint.

A verse from Ezekiel which comforted me some years back on my decisions then jumped back at me last night, reminding me where I am is where I should be, and what I should be seeking too. So I'm jumping at these coming months of homeless wanderings and uncharted waters with a new-found courage, to find the new heart and new spirit which God promises me.

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

(Ezekiel 36:26, NRSV)

My heart has been calling me to visit Republic of Ireland for a while now. I'm still unsure what it is all about, but I'm very certain and at peace with the idea of a two-week journey to Ireland. I took some time off from things, and focused on laying out a plan. The one-way flight from Manchester to Dublin was booked, and the hostel stays were reserved in several locations. The planner me wanted to be sure I have a roof over my head wherever I go, so I got the hostels planned first. The transportation and other details I will work out later on. So far, my heart is thrilled about going into the mountains of Connemara of west Ireland. I wish I could stay longer, but the accommodation was unavailable. Solely the two nights there, so I shall make the best out of what I have. Honestly, I'm actually spending more time in the wild wild west of Ireland rather than the east. This is a journey I have chosen to go. Let's see what God has in mind for me as I walk with Him through this.

After 24 hours of dark night of my soul, the usual me is back. More courage, not my own, but the Lord's. All glory and thanks be to my God!

Pathetic - An Adjective

Why suddenly this topic? Because of a random pathetic blog entry which I googled and found, though I regretted reading it the moment I finished it. It was pathetic, and I think I'm pathetic enough to blog about it because I actually like the word "pathetic" as a random adjective. I used to use this word frequently enough to probably kill cells of many people, recently lesser, but definitely still a killer word. Admit it or not, some blogs are just plain PATHETIC.

LOL!!!

The definition of PATHETIC in my dictionary is cases which are not sympathetic or pitiful enough but the writer or story-teller made it sound so sorrowful, mournful, pitiful to extract my less than normal empathy.

So to say, I used to be that pathetic person, mourning about what I don't have and what I wished I have. Seems like I was never alone. Perhaps I didn't really have internet access all year round last time that's why I thought I was the only one in the universe going through that kind of issues in uni. Oh well, today I may be able to say I probably have evolved much earlier than I thought I have.

Comparing to the author of the entry, I had a better life in uni. Points I gathered from his blog were these as compared to what I was/would be (mine in green, his in blue):

1. My Maggi, books, and I. (No matter how broke I was during uni, I never allowed myself Maggi during CNY reunion. I would try spending time with people who did not have chance to return home for CNY even I was packed with exams and assignments. FYI, my uni finals were always the month after CNY, so classes were on-going even at the eve of CNY. Sigh! To think I had friends from hometown calling me to enquire about CNY reunion which I didn't even know of because I was dang faraway, in the context of local uni.)
2. No money to spend. (I never had much to spend, but I managed to go through it by having bread instead of rice and Maggi to me is luxury and health-deteriorator.)
   
3. Winter, cold, nobody around, exams, non-oriental food, no extra money, no one to laugh with. Just me, my books, my chair, my table, my bed. (Ok, I have to admit I've never suffered winter cold and non-oriental food before. But what I had was crazy seaside weather that killed all umbrellas mercilessly, unhygienic non-chinese food and super heat. I quite liked the idea of studying far away from home because I get to focus instead of going home every weekend and not revising at home. I didn't have people to be with during mid-term holidays or study weeks because everybody, near or far, went back to respective places. I managed because I just couldn't mope about it forever! I had the me, myself and I syndrome. Haha! That's when I realize VCDs and movies are so precious to me! And the mass on Sundays...)
   
4. I have been trying to show my family and friends back home how well I'm coping, travelling around, exploring cooking, the great friends I made, the great life I'm living. How happy I was. I hid so much. The truth is, I was really trying to fight depression and homesickness. But still denied anything of that sort. (I did have a rough emotional path in uni, but somehow I had coped with it throughout uni. My parents allow me to be this far not because I'm strong enough but because I tried to adapt and change. I had depression in and out during that period of time too. I hid a lot too. But I had fun exploring and travelling. Those are the stories cherished by my loved ones. And I created more so that I can tell them more of my adventures in a foreign land - my mom until now still thinks I'm outside Malaysia at times!)
   
5. So saving up money to travel around seem to be a good idea. But coming back after the adventures doesn't seem to make anything better. (Definitely coming back from adventures made me feel 100% better because my mind was charged up for another stonethrow of stress from studies!)

I guess it wasn't easy for the owner of the blog entry to go through the phase he's going through now. I pray he'd be able to walk out of it and come to believe that these are just parts and parcels of life. I apologise if anyone is offended because of my usage of the term "pathetic" to the quoted texts. Maybe I've been there, done that, that's why I would say that. I've to admit I was a pathetic fella too... What's really important is to go through the hurdles even when it's like impossible. Whether or not life in uni sucks or exciting in our hearts depends very much on our own perspectives. If we choose to think it sucks and couldn't wait for it to end, we'll end up depressed. If we choose to live it to the fullest possible, then we would wish it would go on forever and ever because of the fun and things learned. I was a strong kid, everything also could be settled. But when I arrived in uni, I became weak, but in my weaknesses, I finally found an Anchor worth more than my strength and my pride. My anchor was Jesus, and is still Jesus.

May the Lord be with all those who are preparing to go away from home for studies and for my two "gals" who are currently in uni (kc n yy).

God bless!

Thy Will Be Done

How many-a-times we prayed "Thy will be done" and then fret over a matter that we've been praying? Me... Countless times!! How many times we complain how we're suffering? Many of us have at least one account to tell about how life made him/her suffer, but have we ever looked into the suffering of Christ before telling our sufferings? I've done many of the above mentioned, except looking deeply into the sufferings He bore for me.

During the Good Friday's homily, Archbishop John Lee was our celebrant and he shared deeply about Christ's suffering for us. All the three readings for Good Friday (Isaiah 52:13 - 53:12; Hebrews 4:14-16, 5:7-9; John 18:1 - 19:42) spoke about how Jesus suffered for our sins. A question Bishop posted to us was this: Have you ever look at the face of Jesus? What kind of face that Jesus has in your life?

He mentioned that this face of Jesus during Good Friday is a face full of spittle, full of wounds, full of blood, crowned with thorns. He suffered so much because of our sins. Are we touched by Jesus for the sorrows of our sins? Lenten season is a season of conversion... "Have I come back? Am I touched? Are we opened for conversion? Are we coming back?" This is the day for us all to experience the saving power of God and we have to respond to the grace so that our sins will be wiped away. During veneration of the cross, we have to remember the sinful person we are and that's the cross Jesus bore for us. So if we embrace the cross, we'll be saved.

The highlight for me came at the point where Bishop touched on the issue of suffering and our attitude towards suffering. We should look at the faith that Jesus has during suffering. He did not give up even when He did not receive the answer from God when He cried out to God in the garden of Gethsamane, on the cross. He still responded with "Thy will be done", which is a total submission into the hands of His Father. All of us have sufferings even when we don't want it. We have pain, sicknesses, problems in family, etc. Many of the sufferings come from sins, but some are just there. Even when there's no answer from God, we have to look at what did Jesus do at the garden of Gethsamane and at the cross. If Jesus had waited for an answer from God and did not submit, there wouldn't be salvation in the history. Sometimes, we do whatever we can, but in the end, we have to say "Thy will be done" and that's when salvation comes. Truly, Bishop answered my question about how we should face sufferings in life...

Besides that, we must die because as stated in the bible, "Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." (John 12:24). It reminds me of somebody who ever told me about the parable of "The Seed". However, in this context, what I can understand is that the price of transformation is a total giving up of self to God and then only salvation comes and sweeps us off our feet.

Another part of Bishop's homily which made me pondered at that moment was when he mentioned about St. John's narration of the Passion in the Gospel of John. The phrase used by Bishop that really made me interested to continue listening was, "In St. John's gospel, by that passion of Jesus, He has the whole control over the whole economy of salvation and He showed His Majesty." (or something like that...) The economy of salvation... I hope I didn't get it wrongly, so people, if you were in SHC listening to Bishop's homily, correct me if it's wrong. He mentioned that St. John never narrated anything to see that Jesus isn't under control. St. John never mentioned about Jesus keeping silence, or supportive women... etc. But he mentioned about what Pilate written of Jesus' charge - "JESUS, THE NAZARENE, KING OF THE JEWS". It also showed the control of Jesus over the situation by stating that when Jesus has seen that all is done according the the scriptures, He said to the Father, "Into Your hands I comment my spirit. It is accomplished." Because all is done, thus the salvation through Jesus is completed. Jesus also gave Mary to John as his mother, and John to Mary as her son. It is, in fact, the first sign of community.

So, us, created in the image of God, should look at Jesus and ask Him to show His face to us. Besides that, we have to be grateful to the Lord and ask to be transformed to the way of God through the cross...

This is not all of what Bishop had mentioned during his homily, just bits and parcel of it. Especially parts that struck me hard. As I walked to the cross during veneration, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of man is this who had the strength to carry all the sins of the world. Imagine myself committing a sin, I'd have felt that tonnes of burdens on my shoulder already. How could this man carry the sins of the whole world, my sins in my entire life? But because Jesus is man and God, and His willingness to carry them for us all, He did it. And salvation was completed. The prophecy of old is fulfilled. Amen to the scandalous love of Christ! Amen to the salvation of mankind! Amen to our Lord who submitted and called out "Thy will be done!"

What's The Secret to Happiness?

I got this from a friend via SMS long time ago...

I found the answer in my house.
The wall says be strong,
the ceiling says aim high,
the door says be open,
the window says learn to give and take,
the clock says time is gold,
the calendar says love everyday as if it were last,
the cabinet says keep in order,
the bed says take time to relax,
the lamp says be the light,
and GOD, who is found everywhere in my house says,
"KEEP THE FAITH BECAUSE I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS!"

Psalm 46:10

"Be still, and know that I am God!
I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth."
~ Psalm 46:10 ~

It had been a while since I had the nudging of "to just be completely still" in the preparation of the coming of our Saviour, yet I've chosen to brush it off. This year was a complete roller coaster year for me. After reading the entry from Emily Sutherland's Blog on "This Ain't Prettyville", I looked back on the year 2008 and realized how much this ride had brought me to this point where I'm sitting in the midst of my "still-messed-up" room, listening to Christmas carols on my blog, and this verse "Be still, and know that I am God!" suddenly came to my mind like a nerve impulse running too strong over the synapse and thus causing a sudden jolt on my mind. Ok, it is super long sentence, and I know it's not supposed to be so, but isn't this a mind-twisting sentence? LOL! I somehow remembered that this phrase IS from the bible, so as tech-savvy as I am, I entered the phrase on my search engine and ta-da!! the verse popped up in thousands of search result. Thank and praise God! I feel so delighted to find His favour on me at this point... A low point in fact... but thank and praise God!

The first of the incessant nudges from God which I didn't really take concern on was during the prayer by Lena, Uncle Jason Soon's wife (I hope I got her name spelled correctly...) when she spoke out loud, as though in front of my face (my eyes were closed when she was praying for us), to sit at the feet of Jesus to listen to Him like what Mary had chosen to do when Jesus visited them at their house. It was a blunt call to be still... And yet I didn't heed the word of prophecy from her. Then came the sharing with MelNic, where after explaining to her why I didn't complete the "assignment" given during my two-week break at home, she too mentioned of the same thing - in the midst of preparation for Christmas, we tend to busy ourselves with so many things that we forgot to slow down and be still. The challenge of Advent is to be still in the midst of busy-ness. Then when we had our choir practice, somehow the similar version of "be still and pray" came up. As I prepared myself for the Sacrament of Reconciliation just now in church, the hardest of all is to "be still and pray" too... One of the advices that the priest given to me, which I'd gladly share with all here, is to pray unceasingly... Also a call to "be still and know that I am God!". Then as I read the sharing of Emily, she not only reaffirmed all the calls God had made (which in turn He receives the dialing tone of "the number you have called is currently unavailable, please try again later"), but also reminded me of His promises to me, despite the fact that I'm a sinner unworthy to be called His child. But God takes me back freely, as long as I'm willing to return to Him. Oh! How difficult it is to be "the Father"!! Indeed, our God is the greatest Daddy ever!

As I searched on the world wide web, I was linked to this page about "Hebrews for Christian" regarding the verse... I love the reflection they had given... So here's the ctrl-c of the reflection:

AS THE CLIMAX of Psalm 46, this verse is not so much about meditation as it is about the mediation of God’s kingdom in the heart of faith. The command to “be still” comes from the Hiphil stem of the verb () rapha (meaning to be weak, to let go, to release), which might better be translated as, “cause yourselves to let go” or “let yourselves become weak” (in poetic contexts, the noun form rephai’im was sometimes used as a synonym for “the place of the dead”).

But to what end are we to “be still,” “let go,” “surrender,” and even to “die to ourselves”? In Hebrew grammar, the emphasis of coordinate imperatives (“be still!” and “know!”) is on the second imperative. In other words, we surrender in order to know that God is in control as Ribbono Shel Olam – the Master of the Universe. We “let go” in order to objectively know the saving power of God in our lives. We give up trusting in ourselves and our own designs in order to experience the glory of God’s all-sufficiency (Ex 14:14).

When we confess the truth about who we really are – weak, feeble, and ineffectual, especially in light of the cosmic movements of history – we can surrender our desire to control outcomes and entrust the care of the world to God. Indeed, even though the present world be shaken (v 2), with the nations raging and the kingdoms of men tottering (v 6), we will not fear, since we know that God is our present help in time of trouble (v 1).

The city of God will one day be established upon the earth (vv 4-5), and the schemes of the “princes of this world” will all become desolate (vv 8-9), but in the coming kingdom the Lord Most High (el elyon) will be exalted among the nations, and Jesus will forever be exalted among His original covenant people Israel.

Meanwhile, “set your minds on things that are above, not on things on the earth; for you are dead, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory” (Col 3:2-4).

Yes, “be still” – in order to know that the Lord God of Israel reigns!

Indeed, this is a reflection that speaks dearly to my heart... I shall continue other reflections after I finish watching TV...


Till then... Pax et Bonum.

10 Nov 2008 20:03 KFC Opposite Cathay Cinema

Almost 24 hours after knowing the truth that had been bothering me for the past three months, I'm in a total solitude with the Lord. What has lost will never come back to me, at least not for now. How long the suffering had been when I didn't know the truth! Though it still stabbed my heart and practically numbed my nervous system, I found back that part of me which went missing three months ago. For once again, I'm in awe of God's grace upon me. Once again, I see God's hands cupping my face, touching me who longed for that physical touch, breathing so near to me, telling me... "You are healed. Now go in peace." Though I still feel that immense loss, my First Love, my Ardent Lover, embraces me tightly, wanting to tell me how much He loves me. I know this suffering will join with His suffering, and at the break of dawn, hope will resurface. And I will be whole again.

I know this inability to sleep in the middle of the night for the past two nights is just short-term effect. I experienced that earlier when I was very sick with flu, cough, fever. Even with two types of medication which caused drowsiness, I would be wide awake in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out trying to breathe and cry and cough at the same time. This time, no cough, no flu, no fever. I just can't sleep. Perhaps I'm too scared to sleep, knowing that there will be a chance I might forget the surge of God's love flooding my empty heart. I don't want to forget, but every morning I woke up with such a void in it. Or maybe, my brain is figuring out how can I stand up again after this betrayal, this strange lie people told right into my face. Christ did, so I have to, even I'm so weak. Christ forgave Judas... Every day ever since July 2008, this strength to carry on is not mine, but His. If it were to be mine, I would have long gone down to hell. Thank God for Christ the strength and refuge for my soul.

When Love Runs Out

When love runs out, where do we go?

Finding another jetty to anchor ourselves?

Or seeking God for another bowl of love?

When patience runs out for a person, where do we go?

Looking for another individual who is more pleasant to be with?

Or seeking God for grace to continue loving the person?

When strength to love the person runs out, where do we go?

Hiding behind a portrait of irritation and anguish for the person?

Or asking God for the strength to truly forgive and love the person again?

When the heart is weary, do we anchor ourselves on yet another quiet cheery individual?

Or do you choose to leave everything and take up the cross of weariness?

Why choose to hurt when we can love?

Why choose to be hurtful when we can be loving?

Why choose to end when all can be started afresh?

Why choose to anchor ourselves on yet another human's affection instead of God Himself?

I'm learning to anchor on God, how about you?

Are we still anchoring on the hope that the human's affection and in quietness will bring you to another season of hopes and dreams coming true?

Are we being foolish to think that if we desire it, God will grant it, as long as we think it is righteous?

Why do we hurt ourselves with all these endless hopes?

Why do we hurt others because of our own anguish and hurts?

Why do we change our hearts when we feel threatened?

Why do we need such a God if we want to control our own lives and live it the way we want it?

I'm learning to let Him govern my life, how about you?

Are you still struggling to find and maintain hope and affection in yet another individual?

Are you still struggling with your pride that you will never fail anybody?

Are you still struggling with your human nature?

I'm struggling too, but I know by the faith, hope and love of God, I want and desire to turn my eyes to God once again.

When God's love runs out from my own heart, I choose to let you be taken care by God.

Because I know, it is by His love that I come to know you as a companion.

And it is by His grace we had wonderful memories in the past.

And it will be by His love our hearts will be mended and healed.

And it is definitely by His strength and His inspiration I'm writing all these.

God is greater than any living creature, and I'm just another living creature.

He knows you and loves you much more than I do.

I am assured He will bring you back.

I am assured He is in this with us.

Don't falter, don't waver, don't give in to temptations.

Don't sigh, don't stress, don't be anguished with things that are happening.

God is love when our human love runs out.

And I know, we are all seekers of this love.

And I pray you are well taken care by God via His angels.

When love runs out, I will be your love -- this is His promise to us.

And us, we are just mere human beings, you and I, we can only count on God when we find ourselves seemingly busy seeking for love at all the wrong places.

And us, we being just mere humans, we can only believe and walk in faith in the misty path.

For God is with us.

And God is love.

Somewhere over the rainbow, there is hope, because there is God.

Sacred Space

God calls us to various place. Today, I'd like to share this webpage known as Sacred Space with you who read what I posted. It is a daily prayer online and the reflection is superb.

I'm going through very tough times these days and I request you who read my entries to pray with me that I will be strengthened by God who lives and reigns in my life no matter under what circumstances. I know all is worth the sorrow and pain I'm going through because He is made visible in this part of my life. The loss I'm encountering is just for this moment. I still hope this loss is just a part of a bigger joy in future. And I pray God will grant my desire in His time.

To learn to love Him is like a baby learning to crawl, walk and talk. To learn to be loved by Him is even tougher. I'd say it is like a mother deciding to carry the baby in her womb to term.