Some Pensive Reflections About Myself...

As the night ages on, the emotions tend to be stronger. That's why, when it comes to sharing inner thoughts, heart talks, feelings, night time is the best. At least it is for me. I'm a WOMAN, so I CAN sit and talk all day. This has a lot to do with my major love language, which is SPENDING TIME..

(Source: http://1catholicsalmon.com/2012/03/02/sharing/)

I've followed Pray More Novenas for exactly a year now. I started with the novena to St. Anne, who is known to intercede for those who are looking for spouse. Norah, my friend's mother, introduced this website to a few of us who used to hang out at her place in Cordoba, Spain. The annual cycle has completed and this is the second round of novena to St. Anne for me. Many times, I wonder if the Mr. Right would ever appear, but I know that giving up is a cowardly act too. Even if he doesn't come, I'm fine being single. Yes, perhaps more often than not, having meals alone can be daunting, especially when I feel like having dinner at some posh-looking restaurants. I do have tendency to buy takeaways rather than having meals outside because it is odd to go alone. On the other hand, I do enjoy dining alone in the restaurants once in a while. It's something I picked up over the years, to be less self-conscious of some nosy waiters and staring eyes of fellow diners. It's not a crime to have meals alone.

These days, as I continue discovering myself, I do find that I am a picky girl indeed. Besides nobody took the challenge in approaching me, I did some selections subconsciously too. Haha. Which girl doesn't, right? This is a personal reflection which I wrote on my private blog: I am fully aware that the man God has for me would not need me to prove my worth. He would find me as I am, and he will know I'm the princess of God whom He has prepared for him and I, too, would find him adequately matching me in all things. This may sound like fairy tale to all who hear, but to me, it matters most. A God-centered relationship is a relationship which will last a lifetime. I trust that God will prepare him well, and myself too, to complement each other in all things.

A Tale as Old as Time, featuring Penelope Cruz

(Source: http://www.marieclaire.co.uk)

This will be the first time that I'm revealing the list of criteria which I had prayed before some years back. Nobody will fit 100%, but God knows who will have the capacity to achieve them...

I wouldn't mind if he's not a Catholic, but I do hope he can accept me being a Catholic whose spirituality is more towards charismatics. Physiques is a plus, but I'm not anywhere close to slim or hot. Furthermore, external looks do fade away as time passes by. And oh... I'm trying to live by the teachings of the Church, which means no pre-marital sex, no abortion, no divorce, etc. So, if it is you God is calling to take the challenge to complement me in life, take note of this, whoever you may be. Besides that, there's this issue which requires some physical and mental strength...

(Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-A-Wall-Around-My-Heart/1228180)

Well, yeah. This is me. The hopelessly romantic me who tends to write emo-stuffs at night :)

Lenten Reflection: 6th March 2013, Wednesday

Only take heed, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life; make them known to your children and your children's children.

(Deuteronomy 4:9)

This is a trying time for all Malaysians, especially those currently residing in Sabah, be it the locals or those from West Malaysia. Since my previous post on the issue of intrusion in Sabah by the sultan (whose identity is questionable) of a long-gone sultanate of Sulu, and how bloodshed had occurred, I hadn't posted a reflection of the daily readings. I have to admit and confess that I was angry with my fellow countrymen who posted troll pictures and/or politically-inclined statements on Facebook without taking responsibilities of the consequences which might happen due to their irresponsible statements. I was deeply disturbed by the current conditions which are considered one of the biggest security crises Malaysia had ever experienced ever since the days of communists attack right after independence.

Today's first reading deeply touched my heart, reminding me that the peace and unity of multiracial Malaysia aren't to be taken for granted. For about 50 years we took for granted the peace in the country while our neighbouring countries were in chaos. Right now, we finally are in the same shoes as our neighbours who struggled so much to bring peace in their nations. Indeed, as what was advised in the book of Deuteronomy - to never forget things which we are experiencing right now. We must always bear in mind and in hearts how we regain our independence and peace within the country. We must appreciate the martyrs' blood that was shed to protect our nation during this invasion of 2013. It is crucial that this should be included as part of our modern history to remind our future generation the hardship which we go through, be it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, when our security forces battled with the barbaric terrorists. It also reminds me to never take for granted my homeland. No matter how far I am right now, Malaysia will always be home, and a nation which I am proud to be born as her people.

As individuals, we don't seem to be able to do anything. But as a nation, we could do something besides voicing out our opinions about the situation, that is to PRAY FOR PEACE AND SAFETY IN SABAH. Right now, we're entering the 3rd day of Divine Mercy Novena for this special intention (GMT time), while in Malaysia, it is already the 3rd day of the novena. I, personally, am very encouraged to see everybody, doesn't matter what race or nationality, is united in prayers according to their own religious beliefs. This is one of those challenging times in our nation which ignites a very strong sense of patriotism regardless of age, ethnicity or religious beliefs. May God hear our prayers and all things will be renewed in the whole Malaysia due to this event! Amen!

Please join us to pray for Sabah by joining the FB event which is created. We have been praying the Divine Mercy Novena since 5th March until 13th March. (click here to join the event)

MV Doulos, MV Logos Hope...

I was invited on FB to attend an Empowered Ministry session by the MV Logos Hope team. Wow. So fast it has been two years. The last time I went to a ship bookstore was when MV Doulos went to Kota Kinabalu. In fact, I was honoured to have gone to MV Doulos four times: once in 2007 with my best friend, thrice in 2009. One time I went with the students, second time I went with Irene and the final time was to visit Olga, one of missionaries I got to know. It was a wonderful experience of visiting the ship. I can't imagine the loss I would feel the next time MV Logos Hope visits KK. According to the upcoming ports timetable, she will dock in KK after her visit to Kuching. Haha.. I miss the times when I bought so many books in Doulos. How I missed those times...

Christmas is coming, and Sacred Heart Cathedral English Choir and Friends are preparing for Christmas cantata and mass. How I wish I am there with them... I know I am replaceable, but in my heart, the times I spent with the group will never be replaced no matter how far I go. As we prepare to advance into a new year when Advent, it's time for me to prepare my heart to await for the new born King. Like the three kings from the east who seek and found the King in the form of a little babe in the manger, I want to seek and find God in my life no matter how tough it is right now....

Europe Countdown: Day 14

It is finally less than two weeks before I leave Malaysia for two years. I'm still blur at work and very unhappy with the things I observe there. I wish I could do something but there is practically nothing I can do... Yeah, like what the vice principal said, "It's beyond your control". In fact, I am hurt by what he said. The more I tried to do things for the school's well being, the more oppressed I felt as an individual battling against a battalion of soldiers. After being there for almost four years, I find that I did nothing that change the perspectives of my co-workers on the importance to live out the Christian faith in school as an educator. Tonight, I felt embarrassed and disappointed at my lack of achievement to change the lack of empathy in the school. I shall literally shake the dust off my sandals when I leave the staff room. I had tried, though I failed, but at least I know I had done my part. Time to fine-tune my pendulum swings...

I am clear that there have been students whom I had ministered to throughout these years, and seeing them grow, it became a known purpose that what's important is to focus on the calling God has for us all. Just now I had a chat over dinner with Jonathan Tse, another awesome friend, youth pastor, musician and local artiste. Seeing his fervent effort to reach out to the young people, I am encouraged by that, and hope that I can continue answering my call to reach out to the young people of my surroundings as I travel along. Like what my neighbour, Dominic, said when I went over to their place the other night, "NEVER LOSE YOUR FAITH". It's a strong reminder that I should be the difference in the society where Christianity is no longer popular. It's never a shameful thing to be a follower of Christ at young age. I pray I may have the strength to persevere and the power to change the outlook of what Christianity is. I know God has been the pillar of my strength and the divine Provider to my circumstances... Never lose faith... Never lose faith... Never lose faith...

It's indeed hard to say goodbyes. People who have always been around me I will have to bid farewell. I got emotionally when I sent off Karen and Irene in the airport last night for their trip to Europe. It took me by surprise when Irene leisurely mentioned "Don't cry ah", and I cried. Haha. That's the funny part... But I know after this, I won't know when I will return to KK to hang out with her. Gee... Thinking about me brings about another bout of sadness. Time to zoom out from this topic.

It's getting very late now. I better turn in after typing some stuffs on Smart Notebook software for tomorrow's lesson.

Have a good day/night!

Europe Countdown: Day 23

OMGoodness! It's day 23. This also means I have another 3 weeks before I fly to Spain. I had been occupied for the past 12 days, hence the long silence. I'm unsure what occupied my mind, but it's something deeper than I knew. So, I just let it brew for a while, and then when it exploded on Thursday, it was alright and thank God for His faithfulness. I don't know what I'd do without Him, the GUY UP THERE.

This evening I'll be serving the worship for mass for the last time (hopefully not the final time though) with Felix and Praise Team. For six long years I've journeyed with Felix, Yvonne (his wife) and some others - from the time when I joined Freedom Camp in 2006 till now. They have been my friends, my siblings, my spiritual companions, my family. Sometimes we don't talk, sometimes we just let things go on and on without catching up. But they are family to me, sometimes more than my own family is. I'm pretty much emotional and stressed up now, but I know all will be put to the right place, because God is present in our midst, now and always.

We attended Lifeline's M.A.D. Camp last weekend (8th-10th July 2011) in Bundu Tuhan. Thank God for sending Martin Jalleh to minister to all of us there in the mountains. That place is known as "Valley of God" (as translated from the Kadazan word Bundu Tuhan. God is awesome as He always is. I sort of reconciled with my best friend whom I had journeyed with for a year plus as co-cell group leaders. He's like my soul mate who seemed to know me best. Yet, the soul mate who seemed to know me best doesn't know me as well as God can be. My God is THE ONLY God who searches for His sheep and knows them well. I am His sheep and He is my shepherd. Like how David put it in Psalm 23, I shall not want... It's deeper than what we normally can comprehend. It means, having God as my Shepherd, no worldly desires shall bother me, nothing in this world is greater than having God in my life... No soul mates, best friends, etc. can be compared to this God who cares so much that He gave us His son in order that we may have eternal life... (cf. John 3:16).

I was uncomfortable with the fact that there was a hawk who was eyeing on us as I spent time with my best friend. I know some may be insecure with this reconciliation. But why so? I have no time to comprehend the insecurity I sensed, because every minute spent with my best friend counts... Maybe I was insecure too, especially after my best friend told me he not really had missed me throughout the two years of silence between us. Well, I am trying to care not on how he feels, but to work out on my own. Yet I know, we share too many similarities to ignore each other for too long. LOL. That... I thank the Lord, my God.

Day 23 started with long-needed laundry day - there are so many pieces of clothes which require personal attention (a.k.a. hand wash). I have a lunch appointment at Irene's place. She's going to cook wild boar curry. Yummy..... Haha! Mass in the evening, and hopefully can catch a movie together with some friends...

Tomorrow is another traveling day. This time I shall be staying with Karen Chin, one of my kidz from Whispers of Wind cell group in Lifeline two years back... Apparently, WOW doesn't exist anymore.

Pentecost: The Outpouring of the Holy Spirit

Today is the eve of Pentecost, and this evening we'll be serving mass in Sacred Heart Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. In fact, this is the last Pentecost weekend I will serve in KK. After this, in 8 weeks time, I will have to start a new journey to a new place, with everything so foreign, so alien for me. The Spirit moves in my life in a very strange, yet loving way. I could not comprehend how all these can be, but I look forward for more of the Spirit who is the God of love.

For months I have been hiding in a nutshell, because I don't want others to speculate everything which I do. I, too, am hiding behind my masks. Beneath the masks, I am just another fragile, broken and fearful girl. Sometimes, I wish I could show more of who I am to everyone without needing to fear that my vulnerability becomes a tool for others to hurt me. So I hide under the masks of unbeatable strength, confidence, and perhaps, solitary life is what I do best. But, I am as human as everyone is, so I also would love companions who would not think of me as weird or fearsome...

Last night, I experienced disappointment because my request was rejected by a friend whom I really trust to lean on when I am helpless. Indeed, human beings are born to be selfish. Who would use the excuse that they need to pick up their husbands who would be at work at 4pm when ask to send their friend to the airport? So I know that I can not trust the possibility of asking for help from this cherished friend anymore. No point hanging out or chilling at her place when I feel lonely anymore, for she probably never treats me as her friend, but a burden, really.

Six years ago, I declined the offer to further my studies in Korea, and chose to stay behind in KK to continue my Masters degree. Yet, a year later, I chose to discontinue the research because of the problems that came with it. Money is the root cause to it, or maybe, my lack of confidence to go through it. My parents, especially my mother, harped on the issues of returning PTPTN loan, living allowance, monetary problems at home every time she called me. I am the eldest in the family, the feeling of inability to provide less problems to the family seeped into my mind and I felt inadequate as a child. There was no research fund for the project I was doing, and the main supervisor refused to let me do another project because she needed my results. All these overburdened my shoulders and the only way to stop all these from haunting me was to walk away from biotech research and get a job with stable monthly income.

Hence, I started working. Yeah, stable, monthly income for a 5-day job with a horrible unmarried female manager. Not only she was a micro-manager who could not bear anyone else with a qualification higher than hers (she had only SPM at the time of me working there), she googled my I/C no and full name, then forwarded links to my colleagues, using me as a joke of the day. Any person with a healthy mental status wouldn't sign him/herself as "Inspector xxxx" using company internal email with the header of "Sia jadi CIA" (translates to "I become CIA"). Not only that, she too, accused me of trying to open the door of my company of an off day by asking the locksmith in the same building, and also trying to hook up with my client (who happened to my friend's colleague and I was just trying to assist a friend - oh yeah, whom she tried so hard to buy him a mango cheesecake but was rejected). When I found out about the email, I decided to resign. And in February 2008, I left the company (thank God!!).

God provided a new job with new challenges. A LOT. It was then when I realize I want to continue my studies. Yet, again and again, I did not make the move to find out more and see what lies ahead of me. Yeah, the fears gripped me tight - of money, and constant harping from my family about loans etc. As much as I know my talents are being wasted, I stayed behind. I know my mission was not completed. There was an evil head who did many bad things to me, trying so hard to get rid of me all the time. Nobody was looking at the spiritual growth of the people under our care. The organization was breaking apart, drift caused by the head himself. I was broken, from inside out. But the Lord was with me, and He is still with me. And I thank God that He stays with me always, to let me survived the reign of the evil head.

I attended seminars, pumped myself with religious books, talked to numerous people. And the conclusion is "it is time to move on and use my talents as how God has given me". Now, I am in the cycle where all the harpings and problems arise. I can barely breathe, I can barely survive. But I can only continue trusting in God, who promise me that I am His child and He will always be with me.

Today is Pentecost, may the Holy Spirit shows Himself to all people of God. Amen.

ROOT CAUSE

I wrote this story for a beloved friend of mine, a friend who has walked with me at the point of my dad's death a year ago. He has proved that a friend in need is a friend indeed. I hope he is well there, whatever that keeps him busy at the moment...

ROOT CAUSE

One day, as Snail crawled along the trail he takes daily to the Old Tree, he saw a tiny worm by the side, resting. Wormie, the tiny worm, looked exhausted, so Snail asked: "What have you been up to all night that you look as though you had worked so hard in the mine?"

Wormie smiled quietly and answered, "Oh, nothing special, just doing what I can do best."

Snail continued his journey towards the Old Tree, where his friends and him gather daily. When he arrived his destination, he saw his friend, Torita, the tortoise, weeping woefully. Not knowing what to do, Snail sat next to Torita until she stopped weeping. In between the sobs, Snail gathered that something seems to be wrong with Old Tree, and nothing could be done. Snail was perplexed but there was nothing he could do at that moment, but to wait.

Robbie the rabbit came hopping, and in tears, exclaimed, "OH NO! OLD TREE IS DYING!! WHAT SHALL WE DO?? OH NO!"

Now, Snail finally got the whole picture. Their beloved Old Tree, the gentle giant in their community, is dying. He is the stronghold of this whole community of animals. Snail was worried about his friends, but he had to get to the Old Tree as soon as he could. Many others were weeping together to mourn for the still-standing-tall Old Tree, and nobody was doing anything. Snail was in a confusion, but he went away to the side, and remained silent, occupied with his thoughts.

"Old Tree looks fine to me. There is no browning of leaves, no branches falling off. How could he be dying? What is happening?"

Snail went to the back of Old Tree where it was quieter to listen. In quietness, he heard a gentle shh... shh... shh... sound. He searched for the sound but he could not find the source. Torita and Robbie joined Snail, and when they started talking, the shh-shh sound disappeared. So Snail brushed it off his mind, as he thought he was thinking too much.

"So what shall we do now?" asked the still-sobbing Torita.

"We need to find a new place for our daily gathering. Old Tree would have to be abandoned," Robbie said decisively. But Snail would not agree to the idea of abandoning their Old Tree.

Morning came. Evening came. Time to return home to rest. All the animals dispersed and went back to their respective homes. Snail was the last one to leave. Taking one last look at Old Tree, he muttered quietly, "Tell me what happened, my friend."

Wormie was crawling towards Old Tree when Snail left. Although Snail was curious, but he was too tired to ask.

The next morning, Snail found Wormie sleeping under the rose tree by the side of the trail. As exhausted as the previous day. Snail couldn't help but to ask, "Wormie, what have you been up to the whole night?"

Wormie, with a gentle smile on his tired, said, "Nothing much. Just doing what I can do best, as usual."

Snail continued his journey to Old Tree, where lesser animals gathered. Some had left for the expedition to find another place of gathering led by Robbie. Torita was serving coffee to those who gathered around when Snail arrived. As what he usually did, he went to the back where he heard the sound yesterday. Sitting quietly, he heard the sound again, somewhere under his feeler. And he could feel vibration. Calling out to Torita, he asked, "Who told you that Old Tree is dying?"

Torita answered, "Wormie."

Rushing towards Wormie, Snail asked in urgency, "How did you know Old Tree is dying?"

"There is a group of nasty termites refusing to leave his roots for they need food for the Queen. I tried to persuade them by bringing them food every night, but they feast and make merry with the food I brought. Still they refuse to leave every morning. Oh... I don't know what else I can do! I am so exhausted!"

Wormie burst into tears after telling Snail.

"Wormie, you have to tell others about this, maybe somebody will have a way to chase them away!" exclaimed Snail.

"But... I'm afraid they will not believe in me," answered Wormie.

"Don't worry, I am with you. Trust me." Snail comforted Wormie.

Together, they crawled back to the Old Tree, and spoke to the animals who were gathered there about the root cause of Old Tree's foretold death. Polly, the Porcupine has a distant cousin, a giant pangolin, Giga, who worked as a bug controller. Polly went off immediately to invite her cousin over to assist them.

After a series of negotiations, the termites still insisted that Old Tree belonged to them. So Giga had no choice but to exterminate them with his special tool.

All the animals cheered and celebrated when Old Tree was fully restored to health, and thanked Giga for his kind assistance.



Sometimes, our lives are like Old Tree, we fall sick, get hurt, and unable to function as who we are called to be. God gave us people around us, to minister to our hurts. God wants to heal us so He sent us His Spirit as our Guide. And as we find the root cause of our pain, we will be healed if we allow God to go deep enough to touch the part which hurts us the most. It is painful, but in His time, our mourning will turn into dancing, our sorrow into joy.

Many times, we keep silent, thinking that we will be able to solve the problem eventually, just that it will take us a longer time (Wormie). Sometimes, we wail and cry and hope that something will happen (Torita). Sometimes we run away, moving forward from one place to another, thinking time will help us to heal (Robbie). Yet, as we move forward, or so we think we are moving forward, we are taking three more steps backward. Into our comfortable nutshell of darkness. Healing comes when we sit quietly, and we bring the hidden part of our hurting self to God, reach out to the people around us for help (Snail).

Nobody is perfect, and though we're called to be perfect for God is perfect, our perfection comes when we finally see God face to face. Being a child of God, totally loved and cherished by Him, to the point He willingly sacrificed His Son for us, we have to look beyond and celebrate the hurts we go through. For in all these, He will be made known, He will be glorified. Yes, we are afraid, we are weak, but Jesus promised that He will be with us until the end of time. He promised that His grace is sufficient for us. So, be not afraid.

All glory and honour and praise be to Christ, our Lord and Saviour. Amen.

Last Full Day of Lent 2010

Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Holy Week

Isaiah 50:4-9, Psalm 69:8-10, 21-22, 31, 33-34, Matthew 26:14-25
Link to Readings --> http://www.usccb.org/nab/033110.shtml

THE CELEBRATION

"I am to celebrate the Passover with My disciples in your house." —Matthew 26:18

Jesus states His intention to celebrate the Passover and the whole Paschal mystery in our houses, families, communities, and lives. We must prepare for the celebration of Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil, and the fifty-day Easter season. We prepare by:
* doing what Jesus orders (Mt 26:19),
* letting Jesus open our ears morning after morning (Is 50:4),
* not rebelling against the Lord (Is 50:5),
* suffering for love of Him (see Is 50:6),
* letting zeal for God's house consume us (Ps 69:10),
* praising "the name of God in song" (Ps 69:31).

Today is the last full day of Lent. We pray that our almsgiving, prayer, and fasting have prepared us for the Triduum and the Easter season. Let's bring Lent to a close by repenting of all sins, forgiving all who have hurt us, and giving our lives totally to the Lord. "Let us celebrate the
feast not with the old yeast, that of corruption and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth" (1 Cor 5:8).

Prayer: Father, may my observance of Lent 2010 be what the Holy Spirit wants in these crucial times.

Promise: "See, you lowly ones, and be glad; you who seek God, may your hearts be merry! For the Lord hears the poor, and His own who are in bonds He spurns not." —Ps 69:33-34

Praise: Praise Jesus, Rock of our salvation. "To Him be glory forever" (Rm 11:36).

When 2009 Bade Goodbye and 2010 Said Hi!

My testimonial is dated 31 December 2009, Thursday, 18:05 @ Secret Recipe, 1Borneo. I wrote on the only piece of paper that I could find since my journal was left at home.

"This is the last day of year 2009. To recount what had happened in my life, it'll be an exhausting task, and with the limitation of paper now, I wouldn't want to waste by recounting every single event. There were ups and downs, so much of sorrows and joys in the whole year, so much of realization and painful times. But indeed, it is the year of the Lord. Nothing but God could have brought me through the events that happened. Letting go of ministry leadership, realizing that God has a better task fo me, ending the whole "hoping" process of a friend, getting help from Life Coach to sort out my life, to learn to love again, to have met a really sweet person, my dad's death, starting the sisters CG finally...

Only God could have led me through the darkest nights of my soul. When I felt totally lost, abandoned and rejected, He brought me people who strengthened my innermost being. Not only that, He brought me angels who love me for who I am, never letting me go and keep on praying for me when things were harsh and I became neurotic, cranky and all. When I was broken, He came straight to me, held my hand and led me straight to the wooden bench under the tree where He would cradle me and loved me with His gaze and His Word. He will always tell me He loves me and will be with me when things are tough and I seem to be not able to go on. He never lets me down. I love Him so much not because of the gifts He has showered me or the things He has done for me. I love Him because He loves me. Yes, just because He loves me to the ends of the earth. And I'm secure in this love relationship that will last forever because He promised me that, and I know He never breaks His promise.

Again and again I was tested into unbelief and into the world of doubts which brought darkness into my life. But, again and again He made things real enough so that I can come out from the world of unbelief into the world of truth - sanctified truth. And because of this, I'm set free from my chains of lies and untruths. God really made all things possible and He's continuing this project to transform me to be the wonderful woman He wants me to be, whether I like it or not.

I cherish every moment of my life with Him in it, because that part of my life becomes unexceptionally special. That is really a magical moment when He leaves His footprints in that path of mine. More often than not, I could not understand and I was blinded by tough times that His grace was not the thing I saw. Yet, very often, in fact, every time, when I sit back and looked through my journals to see my struggles with life in life, He was there, so obviously present. And that's when I sobbed real hard because I could contain no more the grace He has poured out into my wretched life!

Who am I that He should move mountains and empty the ocean for me! I'm His beloved. In His eyes, I'm flawless. And I, in moments of gratitude for Him and love from Him, am softened and I know I'm glowing in love because I'm secure and I've finally found the One who makes me feel complete."


I'm just an ordinary girl who has an extraordinary God who loves her completely and unreservingly. And I hope you, who has found Him waiting for you and accepted His love, also finds hope in Him who loves you abundantly, even when things are difficult and many important decisions to be made. And you who are still searching for Him and finding that the burdens of the world are bringing you further and further into the swirling darkness, I pray you'll meet Him by first letting down your guards about Him.

Disclaimer: This is edited from the version I emailed to my friend.

Life is Beautiful

As I'm reflecting and waiting for the time to drive to church for penitential service and confession, I suddenly remembered what my friend had commented back in August about my view of life after knowing me for four days...

He said that I packaged everything beautifully. Though he meant to say I'm being unrealistic, I saw it and still see it as an affirmation. Life can be both ugly and beautiful. I'm merely trying to be more positive in all the negative things in my life. I have to remember that my temper and emotions are colourful, meaning I have 101 emotions and sometimes I lose the patience of controlling them. When I see things in a more positive angle, though too ideal at times, I'm a happier me. Why not, then?

Life is cruel, but with God, all things become more beautiful. In this season of joyful celebration, we got to realize the cruel-but-filled-with-enormous-love fact that Jesus was born some 2000 years ago to redeem us from sins, and He still does, in year 2009.

Just now as I checked my Facebook, there was a message from a Canadian who has just come to KK as a diving instructor. Being new and looking for friends, somehow I was asked to be a friend - well, it was a "total disaster" for him, I think! He got uncomfortable chatting with me when it comes to God as the center of the topic. In other people's eyes, I'm too "religious" and hard to communicate. In other words, being "stuck up". Perhaps this Canadian guy was looking for a fling with some local girl, that is why it was very uncomfortable to talk about the Creator. It is easy that we profess that we're Christians, but our way of life is no way near to being Christ-like. How many of us here can feel it? I can. I'm no angel, nor am I religious. I'm a sinner, like you guys out there. What made him so uncomfortable with me, then? Because I took the courage to share about God to him. When we're striving to be Christ-like, we're called to be His witnesses. Nope, God never promises us that it will be easy to be Christians, but He promises us that He will be with us as we speak of Him.

I have my fun side, I have my knowledgeable side. It is just a matter of whether one chooses to see me as who they want to see me as. I am blessed to know that many choose to take the path of accepting me for who I am, not who they chose to see me as. And I'm blessed with those who love me for who I am, even I'm imperfect. In God, I become complete. That's what I want to be. That's what I strive to be. I'm still faraway from it, but I know that He will complete me for sure. If you find me somebody hard to speak with, maybe it is because we're of different wavelength. But that doesn't mean I love you less. Or maybe, we choose to see each other in our own eyes, and not with the eyes of God.

I know I'm being transformed daily. About three years ago, my coursemates ever commented that I should "get a life". Well, I did have a life back then, but I was not fulfilled having such peaceful life. Now, I do have a life - no matter how boring it may sound to many of you who are used to something else. Life can be as simple, yet as beautiful as this: To wake up in the morning listening to birds chirpping outside the window, a simple breakfast/brunch of bread with campbell mushroom soup, attending daily mass, shopping for christmas gifts in shopping mall and lastly end the night with fried noodles, mamak style, and a movie at home. Though it sounds like some lonely people, but I know I'm not the only one doing so. Many do that, quietly, and pretending they are alright to others but completely frustrated why they are doing all these all alone, feeling lonely and all. I do what I've just described, and I praise God that I have the opportunity and freedom to do that, and I'm perfectly at ease to know my life is simple, yet wonderful. This is my season of singlehood. Who knows how long this will last before God calls me to another season of my life on earth? So I got to enjoy every minute of my singlehood because He knows what's best for me.

I kinda miss my friend at this moment though... I wonder how is he doing wherever he is?

I hope you who feel as though life has to be more than what you have now to take courage and start living and breathing in the life that you already own. God bless!

"Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. GOD, your God, is with you every step you take."
~ Joshua 1:9 MSG ~

A Walk to Remember

I had a lot on my mind this morning and I needed to work out all of those mind-bogging stuffs. The concentration was high by the time I was done with lunch. I needed a dosage of salty wind and skin-burning sunlight to make right with myself... So, instead of going home for my regular walk on Fit n Fold Strider I wanted to drive all the way down to Karambunai. Looking into my mobile for time, I realized I only had about an hour to spare before getting ready for Novena in SHC...

By default, my factory system enabled my mind to work subconsciously that there is a nice, serene beach that I can go, only about 5-7 minutes drive from where I stay. I remember visiting the beach in 2007 before I decided to discontinue my MSc. attempt and start working. It was a place where I could think...

I parked my car at the jetty area and walked about 500 m to the beach. As I walked on the gravel road down the beach, I saw the blue sky and the bluer sea... I was so amazed with God of the universe, my Father God. How wonderful it is to be a part of His creations, and how great He is, to paint this world with so many colours... Different shades of blue in the sky and on the sea; different shades of green on the leaves; different colours of the seashells... I was awestruck, and amazed at God's creation. It is indeed a walk to remember...

A walk where I had time to sort out my mind with God, a walk where I spent time with God. What amazed me was, I didn't have the time to think about those mind-bogging stuffs. Instead, I recognised the tiny me as a speck of sand in the vast ocean. And yet, God still recognises my everything!

When I checked out the seashells and started collecting them, all I knew was His greatness can overpower and has overcome all mind-bogging stuffs! He's just so wonderful! And how blessed I am to know this God who loves me to the very end!

Hope and Purpose, in God alone

"We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose."
~ Romans 8:28 ~

As I read in Romans Chapter 8... I find this particular verse struck me. Sometimes I don't understand things that are happening to me these days, but I certainly know that all things that happened, no matter good or bad, are under God's control. All I need to do is to love Him and be loved by Him. That's all. And St. Paul in his letter to the Romans put it very clearly that those who love God and who are called according to His purpose, somehow things that happen to them will patch up like a jigsaw puzzle which eventually turn out to be good. That is my understanding of the verse as I prayed on...

It is never easy to focus on Jesus when we're in darkness, but that is when He is nearest to us. That is when he is carrying us on His back (as per the Footprints story by an unknown author). In my darkest hours, He was there, quietly being by my side. Nobody is perfect, neither am I. I'm experiencing so much of "down the 'emo' lane" these few days, and I know all the tears I shed, He cups them with His palm. In these darkest times, the path in front of us may seem dim and unclear, or sometimes, even remain unseen to us... I read in Romans again that "in hope we were saved". It takes up a lot of patience for sure, but this hope in God brings new life. I shall continue trusting the God who saves me all the time, for I know all things work together for good for those who love God...

"For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
~ Romans 8:24-25 ~

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Yeah, I know, I should be burying my head continuously inside the deep pile of exam papers instead of being here. Yet, I am here to celebrate the achievement so far - I'm done with the fifth formers' papers... Now left with the non-SPM class...

Freedom in Boundaries

On this day of your life, Cindy, we believe God wants you to know ... that you are only as free as you imagine yourself to be.
	There is nothing ''out there'' that's holding you down, - you are limiting yourself only with your own imagination. And your greatest limits are not even the ''cannot'' and the ''should not'', but the places where your imagination hasn't yet gone at all. There has never been a better time for you to open your eyes, let the imagination soar and see what more is possible.

Recently I'm attracted to this application on Facebook that generates message everyday supposedly what God wants people to know... I do pray that the people behind this application are praying very hard to discern the messages "God wants us to know" and not fall into the trap of the evil one.

Oh well... It seems that whatever written for today is applicable to my life... (It is beginning to have a lookalike thing - similar to horoscope reading!) It is pretty nice, but in the Scriptures we're reminded to be careful of false prophets too. So, people, sometimes, people who are nice all the time may not be too nice after all. Hmm...

Alright, getting back to my topic of the day... Freedom in Boundaries. What is freedom? What are boundaries? I'm beginning to see myself as a boundaryless person running around all my life and that isn't too nice to be revealed. But this truth is helping me to solve bits and pieces of the "mysteries" enshrouding my whole life. It may be amusing to some of you, but have you ever wondered why is everyone living in boxes that you can see but cannot open? If you do, perhaps you're like me somehow. I'm not trying to scare you here, but do give it a serious thought. Maybe you may see more light out of it.

Two years ago, the theme of Lifeline's Freedom Camp was "Beyond the Lies" and the verse behind this was John 8:32. I never really fully understood the deep meaning beneath this verse until recently. Let's take a look at the verse (taken from Good News Bible):

"You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
~ John 8:32 ~

How true that is! I finally found the many truths withheld from me in my "multiple sclerosis" which has deteriorated to a stage where I began to realize there are so much pain in my body that it is not functioning normally. Hence, the search of truth begins...

By reading the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, I start to realize the "boundaryless" attitude in my life of 27 years and how it had crippled me in the sense of responsibilities and commitments. I'm still in the process of seeking truths and lies about my life... So there will be more to come about this. But one this is for sure, that boundaries will bring freedom.

I would like to take this opportunity to first give a big hug to thank a friend who triggered me to seek my boundaries after our boundaries conversation last Monday. (You know who you are if you read this entry, so I need not mention your name. I know you enjoy high level of privacy and mysteries!) Besides that, I also want to thank Melissa Nicholas, Melissa Audrey and Josephine Hiu for our journey in our on-going Retreat with St. Therese. Also to Derek Chong, SHC Youth Worker, who is currently my life coach. And lastly, to thank the God who loves me to eternity.

God bless & Pax et Bonum.

P/S: I'm trying to get my own copy of the book "Boundaries". So if anyone sees it in the bookstore, please call me immediately. So far I've checked in Salvation Bookstore in KK, Capstone Bookstore in Iramanis, but no avail. Thanks!

Ephesians 5:19

The readings for today are taken from Proverbs 9:1-6; Psalm 34; Ephesians 5:15-20 and John 6:51-58.

What struck me most this weekend is from the second reading, Ephesians 5:19-20...

"As you sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, singing and making melody to the Lord in your hearts, giving thanks to God the Father at all times and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." (New Revised Standard Version)

"Sing psalms and hymns and inspired songs among yourselves, singing and chanting to the Lord in your hearts, always and everywhere giving thanks to God who is our Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." (New Jerusalem Bible)

These two versions are similar, yet to me, a bit different... From what I understand of verse 19, there are two roles we have to play when it comes to worship... First one, in community, we have to always remember to sing songs inspired by God (spiritual songs) and hymns and psalms, a.k.a. Praise & Worship session... Second part, when we're alone, when we're not with our community, we still have to remember to sing to our Lord in our hearts... This act of worship doesn't stop when we leave our community gatherings. Instead, this act of worship goes on and on until we meet again during the next gathering...

Most churches, including our Catholic church, have prayer meetings, community gatherings, Life Nites (specially for Lifeline and Lifeteen)... Once a week. So what do we do from the P&W session of that week until the next week?

Yes, we worship the Lord with songs and melody in our hearts... But how? Make it a point to at least do one of the things listed here, or more: Listening to scripture-based, or God-inspired worship/praise songs more than listening to worldly music, pray daily, do daily readings (Catholic church we have a set of daily readings, other denominations may follow some other weekly devotions), attending daily masses, praying the rosary... and so many other ways where we can worship God in our daily lives.

As for me, I set aside 30 minutes a day to attend daily mass, as my daily walk with Christ. Through the Eucharis, I have received numerous healings and forgiveness. And I know the Real Presence of Jesus is in the Eucharist... It is not merely symbolic, but He is indeed truly present in the Eucharist. And as you progress with your walk with Jesus, you'll realise how insatiable He is.

Like what Mary said in Luke 1:46-48,
"My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour; because he has looked upon the humiliation of his servant..."

Indeed, God is worth all our proclaimation of His goodness and especially, His Salvation, because He came down and saved us all even when we're sinners. He loves us all so much that He who has no sins died for our sins.

I thank God for everything, and in everything, I would like to encourage you all to make worship a lifestyle.

Have a great week ahead. God bless!

Perhentian Rendezvous

I'm back on my blog, I hope. With so much to do after two weeks of vacation, I'll try to blog as often as I can, if my brain is working well enough. Hehe! I'm still missing my short getaway in Perhentian. Arghh~~~ Maybe I'm addicted to the compressed air??? LOL! Anyway, photos speak louder than words on blog yeah?

My Perhentian Rendezvous wouldn't have happened if not because these two lovely friends of mine decided to tie the knot in the middle of school holidays... Hence my visit to Kota Bahru, Kelantan & Jerteh, Terengganu. On the way to the husband's house, I noticed a road sign written "Jeti ke Pulau Perhentian 10 km" and realized I was just a footstep away from one of the loveliest dive spots in Malaysia!!! So when "situation" occured and I didn't have a ticket to go back to Kluang, Johor... My mind spinned the idea of hiding there for a night to reflect upon life and all... And where should I go next?

The jetty in Kuala Besut, Terengganu, the "door" for my exit from mainland to island getaway! My adventure indeed!

There comes the boat! I was sooo worried it would be a tiny speed boat. Thank God it is a tuna! Nope, not a fish... Just TUNA Express!

Excited until cannot see my eyes! Haha! I felt a strong emotion as I looked at the deep blue sea... My passion in life. Oh my~~~

The Sweden siblings I met prior to the ride... The girl's name is Geraldine. Lovely gal, isn't she? I forgot the brother's name, I think he's Damien or Danion or Daniel. He has beautiful greyish eyes... *smiles* Shall email her tonight I guess...

Abang polis marin checking on us to ensure the boat only had 10 passengers. Strict rules apparently. My guess is to prevent IIs (Illegal Immigrants).

Geraldine has this cute hippo. Maybe I should get a hawksbill turtle doll and bring it around the next time I go travelling...

Lovely weather in Perhentian... I'm always on HIGH mode when I see the ocean... especially the DEEP BLUE one with the light blue clear sky...

That's where I stayed~~~ The room upstairs...

Nice eh?

Lovely sea...

The trail I found...

is the trail I followed...

Made me want to sing... "I'm so amazed by You, Lord!!!"

Getting nervous for refresher SCUBA. Totally OUT of knowledge when it comes to that... Hehe!

Nice! Outside Panorama Cafe~

Long Beach and its umbrellas....

Fizzy and I... Somehow the chord strikes at the right position when we first met... We sort of have similar thinkings somehow~

Strange fruits on the tree above where we sat!

The Divers at Turtle Bay

Sophia and me... Lovely gal~

Beach ppl, sea lover!

Me n me n me alone~

My dimpled-cheek instructor of the day - Jono.

I wonder what were those guys doing??? -_- Never mind, I'll sit and wait...

Nice sky eh...

My escorts.

Imagine I actually tracked the hill? (Only the shadowy part, mind you...)

From that part with some buildings...

Time of reflection after the sun sets in Perhentian... With fruits and 100 plus. Realize life is not just about one thing. It is about living it to the fullest possibilities. And thank You Lord for all.

Contented look after seeing Tripod, the three-legged turtle when diving at the Pinnacle (Tokong Laut) in the morning... And lots of fishes... but definitely the turtle made me day brighter~~

Ahh... My dive buddy that morning - David.

Divemaster cum darlie toothpaste upcoming model - Yaakub!

Ok, I'm impressed.

Sophia again... Lovely gal~

Hmm... I wished I actually got to know him... But yeah, anybody help me to identify his name pls?!

There are sharks, beware! I saw one in the Pinnacle too! *winks*

Another shot with Yaakub before I left...

Me after Tom Yam soup and rice. Recharged.

Lord God, thank You so much for such a wonderful trip to Perhentian Island, and the diving and the underwater world and the people I met there. Many are becoming friends. People who love the sea can't be bad people. I pray You'll continue guiding me to discover deeper Your calling for me and to bring more joy to the people around me. Lord God, You know I have my imperfections and weaknesses, may these be used to magnify more of You and less of me. I finally know that my anchor of happiness is You. No matter how much fears I have in me, You can dispel all. No matter how much loneliness I feel at times, the knowledge that You love me is enough to keep me through. Boredom can set it easily, but I know You are never boring. Thank You for showering me with friends when I traveled alone. All the way from the jetty to the island to the dive centre back to the chalet and to Kuala Besut when I missed my last bus. Thank You for giving me good people who cared genuinely and sincerely without ulterior motives. Lord Jesus, please bless the lives of those who have touched my life in Your loving and gentle ways. And may they come to know You again one day and their lives be filled with genuine happiness. Thank You for the safe journey, especially the part when I was in the middle of a secondary jungle getting lost... and all that happened because everything happens for a reason and I thank You for making things possible for me. And all these I pray through Jesus who loves us more than anything. Amen!!!

P/S: Sorry, Joanne, lambat upload... met with Justine, another friend I met in Perhentian, and ended up chatting for a while.