Cakes

For a while now I'm struggling because of the multiple issues which occurred at the same time. Thank God for a very supportive group of friends, I'm pretty much supported. Plus additional help from the college and the counselling services, I guess I'm hanging in alright. Not great or the best, but I'm having the right support to get me through this.

I baked a bit these days, thinking it'd be great to share with my friends. I know not everyone will like my cakes but so far nobody complained that my cakes tasted horrible. Nobody but one. As much as I know what he said isn't the truth about me, I still felt horrible and disgusted to hear that this individual (who had caused me a lot of distress and troubles these days) had once said it openly to someone that my cakes tasted horrible and he wished that a previous PhD student was still around because she baked great cakes. This very same individual actually told me he enjoyed my cake when I offered him. Now that I finally know what he had been saying behind my back to others, without checking whether the person he backstabbed me to is my friend or my foe, he's officially banned from all the cakes and food I make in future. Unfortunately, he actually commented on my cake to the one who started dating me and thought my cakes are great.

God knows all that are kept in the dark and He will reveal it in due course. I believe He has my back. This issue is not my battle alone. I've God on my side all the days of my life. My God will deliver His people and save me from injustices. This, I believe.

Forgotten

I've been struggling so much for the past two years. The health suffered a great deal. Now I am trying to fight off injustices which fell upon me for the past two months and it made no sense anymore. I no longer know what I like. I forgot the things I used to like and activities I enjoyed. Everything doesn't make much sense to me. All I want to do is to sleep and never remember anything. The boyfriend has been encouraging me whole morning through emails to come out of my cocoon but I just couldn't. Today is exceptionally difficult. I'm awake since forever but I can't seem to drag myself off the bed. Yesterday I've been so angry I was constantly thinking of methods of hurting those who hurt me. I've been so upset for so long that I forgot how to be happy for longer than 24 hours. I'm happier whenever I'm with S but the hurt is there and I feel so helpless. I know it is difficult for S to see me in despair too. But I can't do anything to stop all these right now..

Everyone thought my life is a bed of roses. Scholarship for a European masters. Traveled around different countries. Scholarship for a PhD. Not just anywhere but one of the top three giants in the world. Dating an awesome guy in many sense. What else am I dissatisfied about?

Nobody knows what lies underneath this title. Chucked aside because I am ill, don't listen to evil postdoc's micromanagement and produced results which weren't according to his "expected results". Accused of things I didn't do wrong. Tracked daily like a criminal on probation. My lab book was flipped through to find evidence of how bad a researcher I was. I was not a bad researcher at all. Distrustful glances thrown at me all the time. Chased after to explain the protocols again and again... Now I'm being kept waiting in a limbo forever. Great life indeed huh.. Thyroid hormones are finally stabilised after 16 weeks of adjusting levothyroxine level.

Now I'm battling with so much anger and sadness because of the men who caused injustice and unfair judgment upon me. And nobody seems to hear me. Hello! I'm here. I exist. Do I? Don't tell me to chill out when you don't know what hell I am going through now.

So when I travel and post photos of my happy times, perhaps it's just that tiny fraction of my happier times which I'm struggling to grasp before it vaporises again. Don't be envious and think that I'm an Asian living the dreams of many others. I am just a struggling me. That's all.