Forgotten

I've been struggling so much for the past two years. The health suffered a great deal. Now I am trying to fight off injustices which fell upon me for the past two months and it made no sense anymore. I no longer know what I like. I forgot the things I used to like and activities I enjoyed. Everything doesn't make much sense to me. All I want to do is to sleep and never remember anything. The boyfriend has been encouraging me whole morning through emails to come out of my cocoon but I just couldn't. Today is exceptionally difficult. I'm awake since forever but I can't seem to drag myself off the bed. Yesterday I've been so angry I was constantly thinking of methods of hurting those who hurt me. I've been so upset for so long that I forgot how to be happy for longer than 24 hours. I'm happier whenever I'm with S but the hurt is there and I feel so helpless. I know it is difficult for S to see me in despair too. But I can't do anything to stop all these right now..

Everyone thought my life is a bed of roses. Scholarship for a European masters. Traveled around different countries. Scholarship for a PhD. Not just anywhere but one of the top three giants in the world. Dating an awesome guy in many sense. What else am I dissatisfied about?

Nobody knows what lies underneath this title. Chucked aside because I am ill, don't listen to evil postdoc's micromanagement and produced results which weren't according to his "expected results". Accused of things I didn't do wrong. Tracked daily like a criminal on probation. My lab book was flipped through to find evidence of how bad a researcher I was. I was not a bad researcher at all. Distrustful glances thrown at me all the time. Chased after to explain the protocols again and again... Now I'm being kept waiting in a limbo forever. Great life indeed huh.. Thyroid hormones are finally stabilised after 16 weeks of adjusting levothyroxine level.

Now I'm battling with so much anger and sadness because of the men who caused injustice and unfair judgment upon me. And nobody seems to hear me. Hello! I'm here. I exist. Do I? Don't tell me to chill out when you don't know what hell I am going through now.

So when I travel and post photos of my happy times, perhaps it's just that tiny fraction of my happier times which I'm struggling to grasp before it vaporises again. Don't be envious and think that I'm an Asian living the dreams of many others. I am just a struggling me. That's all.

Some Recent Updates...

Such a wonderful gift given to me on the most solemn day of all - Good Friday. I had a dream last night, that the results for Erasmus Mundus scholarship is out, and when I checked my mail.. Ta-da! The results IS out. It's just that I didn't get into the main list...

Ok, the story is this: I applied for Erasmus Mundus scholarship end of last year, and today the results is finally out. Although I'm not in the main list for category A scholarship (9 are awarded for this category this round), I'm quite happy to know I'm ranked third in the reserved list. I can't help feeling disappointed that this door to studying in Europe is not opened, but I know God has a better plan for me. Whatever that may be, I shall await with hope. If the door will be opened, someone will reject and I will be asked to fill in the position, right?

Blessed Good FRIDAY!

ROOT CAUSE

I wrote this story for a beloved friend of mine, a friend who has walked with me at the point of my dad's death a year ago. He has proved that a friend in need is a friend indeed. I hope he is well there, whatever that keeps him busy at the moment...

ROOT CAUSE

One day, as Snail crawled along the trail he takes daily to the Old Tree, he saw a tiny worm by the side, resting. Wormie, the tiny worm, looked exhausted, so Snail asked: "What have you been up to all night that you look as though you had worked so hard in the mine?"

Wormie smiled quietly and answered, "Oh, nothing special, just doing what I can do best."

Snail continued his journey towards the Old Tree, where his friends and him gather daily. When he arrived his destination, he saw his friend, Torita, the tortoise, weeping woefully. Not knowing what to do, Snail sat next to Torita until she stopped weeping. In between the sobs, Snail gathered that something seems to be wrong with Old Tree, and nothing could be done. Snail was perplexed but there was nothing he could do at that moment, but to wait.

Robbie the rabbit came hopping, and in tears, exclaimed, "OH NO! OLD TREE IS DYING!! WHAT SHALL WE DO?? OH NO!"

Now, Snail finally got the whole picture. Their beloved Old Tree, the gentle giant in their community, is dying. He is the stronghold of this whole community of animals. Snail was worried about his friends, but he had to get to the Old Tree as soon as he could. Many others were weeping together to mourn for the still-standing-tall Old Tree, and nobody was doing anything. Snail was in a confusion, but he went away to the side, and remained silent, occupied with his thoughts.

"Old Tree looks fine to me. There is no browning of leaves, no branches falling off. How could he be dying? What is happening?"

Snail went to the back of Old Tree where it was quieter to listen. In quietness, he heard a gentle shh... shh... shh... sound. He searched for the sound but he could not find the source. Torita and Robbie joined Snail, and when they started talking, the shh-shh sound disappeared. So Snail brushed it off his mind, as he thought he was thinking too much.

"So what shall we do now?" asked the still-sobbing Torita.

"We need to find a new place for our daily gathering. Old Tree would have to be abandoned," Robbie said decisively. But Snail would not agree to the idea of abandoning their Old Tree.

Morning came. Evening came. Time to return home to rest. All the animals dispersed and went back to their respective homes. Snail was the last one to leave. Taking one last look at Old Tree, he muttered quietly, "Tell me what happened, my friend."

Wormie was crawling towards Old Tree when Snail left. Although Snail was curious, but he was too tired to ask.

The next morning, Snail found Wormie sleeping under the rose tree by the side of the trail. As exhausted as the previous day. Snail couldn't help but to ask, "Wormie, what have you been up to the whole night?"

Wormie, with a gentle smile on his tired, said, "Nothing much. Just doing what I can do best, as usual."

Snail continued his journey to Old Tree, where lesser animals gathered. Some had left for the expedition to find another place of gathering led by Robbie. Torita was serving coffee to those who gathered around when Snail arrived. As what he usually did, he went to the back where he heard the sound yesterday. Sitting quietly, he heard the sound again, somewhere under his feeler. And he could feel vibration. Calling out to Torita, he asked, "Who told you that Old Tree is dying?"

Torita answered, "Wormie."

Rushing towards Wormie, Snail asked in urgency, "How did you know Old Tree is dying?"

"There is a group of nasty termites refusing to leave his roots for they need food for the Queen. I tried to persuade them by bringing them food every night, but they feast and make merry with the food I brought. Still they refuse to leave every morning. Oh... I don't know what else I can do! I am so exhausted!"

Wormie burst into tears after telling Snail.

"Wormie, you have to tell others about this, maybe somebody will have a way to chase them away!" exclaimed Snail.

"But... I'm afraid they will not believe in me," answered Wormie.

"Don't worry, I am with you. Trust me." Snail comforted Wormie.

Together, they crawled back to the Old Tree, and spoke to the animals who were gathered there about the root cause of Old Tree's foretold death. Polly, the Porcupine has a distant cousin, a giant pangolin, Giga, who worked as a bug controller. Polly went off immediately to invite her cousin over to assist them.

After a series of negotiations, the termites still insisted that Old Tree belonged to them. So Giga had no choice but to exterminate them with his special tool.

All the animals cheered and celebrated when Old Tree was fully restored to health, and thanked Giga for his kind assistance.



Sometimes, our lives are like Old Tree, we fall sick, get hurt, and unable to function as who we are called to be. God gave us people around us, to minister to our hurts. God wants to heal us so He sent us His Spirit as our Guide. And as we find the root cause of our pain, we will be healed if we allow God to go deep enough to touch the part which hurts us the most. It is painful, but in His time, our mourning will turn into dancing, our sorrow into joy.

Many times, we keep silent, thinking that we will be able to solve the problem eventually, just that it will take us a longer time (Wormie). Sometimes, we wail and cry and hope that something will happen (Torita). Sometimes we run away, moving forward from one place to another, thinking time will help us to heal (Robbie). Yet, as we move forward, or so we think we are moving forward, we are taking three more steps backward. Into our comfortable nutshell of darkness. Healing comes when we sit quietly, and we bring the hidden part of our hurting self to God, reach out to the people around us for help (Snail).

Nobody is perfect, and though we're called to be perfect for God is perfect, our perfection comes when we finally see God face to face. Being a child of God, totally loved and cherished by Him, to the point He willingly sacrificed His Son for us, we have to look beyond and celebrate the hurts we go through. For in all these, He will be made known, He will be glorified. Yes, we are afraid, we are weak, but Jesus promised that He will be with us until the end of time. He promised that His grace is sufficient for us. So, be not afraid.

All glory and honour and praise be to Christ, our Lord and Saviour. Amen.

Will You Marry Me?

Haha! I wanted to post a blog entry on Proposals (and my dream proposal) but eventually Joanne talked me out of it as the outcome of our conversation pointed out that the man would have to figure out on the proposal part. Hehe!

Recently I have a couple of friends who had just gone to Bandung for a vacation. The outcome of the vacation: They are getting engaged!!!! Yes, the man knelt down and popped THE question of "Will you marry me?" and the lady beamed and answered "YES!" Hence the "craze" of proposals popped into my pea-sized brain. *chucklez*

Well, I was googling proposal stories, but I have to admit the uniqueness of the stories may not be exactly my cup of tea. But this story which I copied from About.com: Weddings is kinda sweet surprise sort of story. I believe the man in the story really has a creative brain, or should I say, used the creative side of his brain to think for the whole proposal event. Here's the story!

Dan and I had met several times before. We always had interesting, in-depth conversations about our favorite football teams (Packers for me, Bears for him), growing up in our respective cities and whatever else was on our mind. Dan was like that with everyone. However, on New Year’s I noticed something different in Dan. Maybe it was because we ran into each other more this night than any other, or because he spent more time talking to me than his friends. Whatever the reason, I’m thankful for it.

For the next three months Dan chased me. He called, emailed and asked my girlfriends about me. Because I lived in Milwaukee and he lived in Chicago we had to take baby steps. Our distance forced us to establish a strong friendship first- another blessing in disguise. For three and a half years we drove back and forth between Chicago and Milwaukee every other weekend. Neither of us took life too seriously then. We were both young and eager to experience as much as possible in life. After a while, the traveling and the scene we were in grew tiresome. We desperately needed a change, not necessarily in our relationship but in our lives. We wanted to get out of the Midwest and start over on a bigger experience.

He was given a coaching opportunity in Arizona and decided he was going with or without me. About a month later I still hadn’t given up on moving out of Milwaukee, or on my relationship. Dan hadn’t given up on us either, so I moved to Arizona. For the first time, we lived in the same state. Going from a long distance relationship to a day-to-day one was an adjustment. We had to start over and discover one another’s daily habits, routines, and quirks.

A year later we took two more leaps of faith and bought a house, and then a puppy. Everything was heading in the right direction, however, I handled our financing so I knew a ring and wedding was going to stay on my wishlist for a while.

A few weeks ago, a girlfriend insisted that I take Friday off to go out on the lake with her. Her company was shooting a commercial and needed extra people. I asked Dan to come, but he had made plans to go on a bike ride with friends.

Friday comes, and Dan leaves early in the morning. I take my suit and towel to work and a few hours later get paged to the front office. I was shocked to see my girlfriend with a HUGE smile on her face, telling me there had been a change in plans. I needed to go home, pack a bag and get to the airport.

Everything was happening so fast and to make things more confusing my friend had been instructed by Dan not to answer any questions. Once at home I find a note and a ticket in my suitcase. The ticket is to Chicago and the note has suggestions of what type of clothing to bring for our weekend and a phone number to call once I get to Chicago. He signed it, ‘see you later, love me.’

My stomach starting flipping and tears pooled in my eyes. How he had pulled something like this off – whatever this was – left me flabbergasted. To make matters more gut wrenching, I arrive at the airport to see my flight has been delayed an hour!

When I finally arrive in Chicago I call the number as instructed and minutes later am picked up by a limo. The driver was just as helpful as my girlfriend. He too had been instructed not to answer any questions. Without any guidance to this wild goose chase, I imagined a number of scenarios, none of which could have topped what was about to happen next.

The limo stops downtown Chicago. The driver pulls out my bags and points me to Buckingham Fountain. He tells me, ‘you’ll know what to do next.’ I haul my luggage around the famous Chicago landmark to find Dan looking extremely sexy. He kisses me and tells me that he couldn’t do this anywhere else but in the city we met.

He drops to one knee and asks me to marry him. After all our years together and the number of ways I imagined him proposing to me I was so nervous I could barely get out ‘of course I’ll marry you.’

He says we have to hurry because we’re already late for our dinner reservation. We rush to a hotel, change as fast as we can and walk in to find my entire family and closest friends waiting to congratulate us. I completely fell apart and couldn’t have been happier. Dan pulled off the biggest surprise of my life and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Hope you guys enjoyed the story! God bless and have a nice day!