Happy 5th Anniversary in Heaven, Dad!

Source: http://a1.s6img.com/cdn/box_005/post_15/626250_5475478_lz.jpg

This was the psalm I read to my dad 5 years ago when we know it could be his last night on earth. This was the only bible passage one could find hanging in my family home. Yet, it is the same psalm being one of the bible passages which keeps me going after 5 years. The knowledge of his cancer diagnosis shattered me from within, accompanied by some weird allergy rashes daily for that 6 months of his battle with cancer. At that time, I could only let him go if it was his time, as much as I didn't want to. I know he would be in a better place. Nevertheless, grief and sorrow persisted within. Who would guess a person with such strong forefront like me would be heartbroken and in pain? Not even family members who hurled vulgar words at me would understand me I guess. With the strength from God, and the support from some very close friends of mine, I carried on with life.

My dad left us at 7 am, 26th August 2009. Life without him is never the same. He was that silent pillar of mine, shielding me and protecting me from many things which were only uncovered after he was gone. There are many things which I couldn't share publicly. But yeah.. I did love my dad, despite the heated arguments we used to have back home. I still do love him.

He was a multi-talented man: not just an English teacher, but also a swimming instructor, an artist, a chess master, a carpenter, a linguist, a counselor, a breadwinner. From him I received my gift of faith in Christ through his conversion to Catholicism when I was 6. I was baptised together with everyone else in my immediate family. He was a good man with an awfully soft and kind heart. He was my dad and I would always be his baby girl I guess.

A gift I appreciate from my dad was his selfless act of finally letting me go and accompanying it with his blessings when I asked if he'd allow me to go and further my studies when he was sick. It was just another random what-if chat I had with him. I used to have a long-time standing offer to do my MSc. whenever I wanted to from a research institute in Korea. He said he gave me his blessings even if I wanted to go. Of course, I didn't go immediately. I was teaching back then anyway. Though the decision I took to continue working in KK did cause me to know who were my real friends, and who were just thrash whom I discarded. It was a few months later that I lost him to stomach cancer.

Maybe everyone in my family would think I'm pompous and selfish to think this way... Yet, I am very certain my dad would be thrilled if he knew I got the scholarship to further my studies in Europe from Sept 2011 to Sept 2013, and now another funded opportunity to do my PhD here at Cambridge. I could imagine how excited he would be for my achievements. I could imagine how he would want to pick up Skype, email, Facebook, Whatsapp, etc., so that he could communicate with me even if I'm so far away, unlike my current situation now. My dad would be annoyingly persistent about visiting me in Europe for sure. This is only what I could imagine, and I have limited imaginations.

I know he's with Daddy God, praying for me. This brings comfort to me, knowing my dad is with God.

One of the last few photos I took with my dad, back in November 2007. It was nearing his birthday (might be on his birthday), so I bought him a very tiny cake. We already had a birthday dinner some days ago.
Photo courtesy of Victoria Ang, a great friend of mine since forever.

 So yeah...

Happy 5th Anniversary in heaven, late Mr. Augustine Chan Kiew Chai, my beloved dad! Till we meet in heaven, pray for us here on earth.

After 24 Hours of Darkness, I'm Out of It!

After a day dwelling in negative side of things, I've decided to walk out of darkness by embracing the uncharted future with slightly more courage than yesterday. Ain't easy, the negativity still looms around like shadow (which won't go away because shadows and sunlight do go hand in hand with each other). Two sides of the same coin, in fact, my miseries and how the Lord can work in me. I was walking towards darkness last night. The Lord saw me, and my guardian angel probably stood by my side keeping me from being sucked into total darkness. I'm thankful it was the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola on 31st July and I made it a point to attend mass on feast days of my patron saints.

Yesterday, I dwelt on how a person would choose to walk away eventually from me just because I am me, and how I define close friend. After much thoughts, reflections and considerations, perhaps it was just a mechanism that shows how fearful we both are when it comes to taking a step forward to be closer friends. Fear sometimes can cause us to freeze at where we are, because we don't know how to handle it. I froze to my seat in fear upon returning from Poland and broke down because I didn't know how I could handle my unwritten dissertation. Thank God for those who were patient with me during the difficult period of time.

Back to the story of my patron saints... The one whose name I bear is St. Therese of Lisieux. My baptismal name is Cindy Theresa (Theresa is a variant of Therese). Her feast day is 1 October. With her I made the journey to learn how to love once again. Then, there's St. Jude Thaddeus, whose feast day is on 28 October. He's the one I seek for intercessions all the time for impossible cases and prayers had been answered through his intercessions indeed. I've come to appreciate the Ignatian spirituality founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. By pure coincidence (though I believe that nothing is truly a coincidence to God), I stumbled into the monastery, La Cova de Manresa, Barcelona, where St. Ignatius of Loyola spent eleven months to write the book of the Spiritual Exercises. Honestly, I've not experienced the full Spiritual Exercises before as I'm unsure if I could handle it by myself. The Lord blessed me with the presence of Fr. Tri Dinh while I was on a supposed personal retreat in the Cave when I was told there won't be any English-speaking priest available to guide me. That was two years ago. Yet, it is fresh in my memory the strange peace which overcame me when I was in the tiny little cave while Fr. Tri Dinh told me that St. Ignatius was there some 500 years ago. I realise that subconsciously I become more aware of myself as I reflect deeper of my being. That's why St. Ignatius is also my patron saint.

A verse from Ezekiel which comforted me some years back on my decisions then jumped back at me last night, reminding me where I am is where I should be, and what I should be seeking too. So I'm jumping at these coming months of homeless wanderings and uncharted waters with a new-found courage, to find the new heart and new spirit which God promises me.

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

(Ezekiel 36:26, NRSV)

My heart has been calling me to visit Republic of Ireland for a while now. I'm still unsure what it is all about, but I'm very certain and at peace with the idea of a two-week journey to Ireland. I took some time off from things, and focused on laying out a plan. The one-way flight from Manchester to Dublin was booked, and the hostel stays were reserved in several locations. The planner me wanted to be sure I have a roof over my head wherever I go, so I got the hostels planned first. The transportation and other details I will work out later on. So far, my heart is thrilled about going into the mountains of Connemara of west Ireland. I wish I could stay longer, but the accommodation was unavailable. Solely the two nights there, so I shall make the best out of what I have. Honestly, I'm actually spending more time in the wild wild west of Ireland rather than the east. This is a journey I have chosen to go. Let's see what God has in mind for me as I walk with Him through this.

After 24 hours of dark night of my soul, the usual me is back. More courage, not my own, but the Lord's. All glory and thanks be to my God!

The Time of the Year Again...

A day to the last day of July, and my heart is crushed to ashes. Will it ever be healed? Will I ever have the courage to be close to people again? I tried to trust, and I trusted fully. Yet, the friendship was heading to doom right from the start. I thought maybe if we give it a try by compromising and tolerating each other, perhaps this friendship can be saved. After all, we had nothing to lose by trying.

To YOU: 

After countless visits, two musicals, two oversea trips with friends, a movie, endless chats, I still have to prepare my heart to let you go, because I have defined you as my close friend and now you want to walk away because you don't want to be fit into my definition of close friends. I read it as "if I am me, then I am not good enough to be close to you". Yet I know, this will take me a long time, because our memories aren't written in carbon, so I can't just erase it. Nor were they saved in some *.docx files, which I can press "delete" and they will be gone forever. Everyone else was worried that I'll burn myself, but I trusted you that you wouldn't be like every other friend I had who would leave me because I am me.

From ME.

Right now, I'm indeed in the darkest time of my life. A person whom I thought know me well enough told me that he'd walk away from me just because of my definition of close friend and he doesn't want to be defined as my close friend. A bleak future because I have no job opportunity anywhere and scholarship for Ph.D. in Cambridge doesn't seem to have any news. My masters is completed, and I have another two weeks before I have to evacuate from this room, with no plans ahead. My mother had been asking me for the past two years if I have a boyfriend, and NO, I don't have and nobody is pursuing me, so going home will be a pain. Everyone else is married and attached and seems to know what they want in life, while I am just lagging behind, knowing I want to get another degree because I have no commitment, no one who is looking forward to have me closer, no one wants to be with me.

Perhaps, it is time for me to admit... Yes, I am single, and perhaps, desperate. I just want someone who would care if I had eaten, or where I have been, or what do I want to do, or how do I feel this morning, or just any little detail which doesn't seem to matter to anybody really. Someone who would care to listen when I'm being defiant and destructive like Stitch. Someone who would hold on to me when I can't hold myself together because I am sucked into the whirl of depression or confusion. Someone who would appreciate me for being me, and would do anything he could to stop me from evolving into someone I'm not just to please others or himself. Someone who would tell me it's okay to be sad because we have to be apart from each other and would comfort me even from afar. Someone who allows me to share my deepest desires and darkest thoughts, and lets me talk about God and spiritual stuffs without telling me it is too deep for him to handle. Someone who would compliment me even when I am at my worst self, and complement me by being the sunshine and rainbow when I'm not. I promise I will try to be the same for this someone too.

I bawled my heart out to God just now because of the text message which crushed me. If not because of Jesus, I guess I'd have died a thousand times. I know eventually I will be alright, even though I can't see how I can carry on living right now. No plans, no future, nothing. Even if I made mistakes, I know God doesn't. There is a reason for every season.

I guess many people pretend they are okay when they are not. The society forms the pressure of needing to be at our best and people are only accepted when they are "normal" according to the world. I am not okay, so it's best for me to get away from the world and into my own tiny comfort zone. Can I just run away to a place where I can be me? I ran away thousands of miles from home so that I can find me. I found me, but I am still rejected for being me. Is being me such a horrible crime?

Some Pensive Reflections About Myself...

As the night ages on, the emotions tend to be stronger. That's why, when it comes to sharing inner thoughts, heart talks, feelings, night time is the best. At least it is for me. I'm a WOMAN, so I CAN sit and talk all day. This has a lot to do with my major love language, which is SPENDING TIME..

(Source: http://1catholicsalmon.com/2012/03/02/sharing/)

I've followed Pray More Novenas for exactly a year now. I started with the novena to St. Anne, who is known to intercede for those who are looking for spouse. Norah, my friend's mother, introduced this website to a few of us who used to hang out at her place in Cordoba, Spain. The annual cycle has completed and this is the second round of novena to St. Anne for me. Many times, I wonder if the Mr. Right would ever appear, but I know that giving up is a cowardly act too. Even if he doesn't come, I'm fine being single. Yes, perhaps more often than not, having meals alone can be daunting, especially when I feel like having dinner at some posh-looking restaurants. I do have tendency to buy takeaways rather than having meals outside because it is odd to go alone. On the other hand, I do enjoy dining alone in the restaurants once in a while. It's something I picked up over the years, to be less self-conscious of some nosy waiters and staring eyes of fellow diners. It's not a crime to have meals alone.

These days, as I continue discovering myself, I do find that I am a picky girl indeed. Besides nobody took the challenge in approaching me, I did some selections subconsciously too. Haha. Which girl doesn't, right? This is a personal reflection which I wrote on my private blog: I am fully aware that the man God has for me would not need me to prove my worth. He would find me as I am, and he will know I'm the princess of God whom He has prepared for him and I, too, would find him adequately matching me in all things. This may sound like fairy tale to all who hear, but to me, it matters most. A God-centered relationship is a relationship which will last a lifetime. I trust that God will prepare him well, and myself too, to complement each other in all things.

A Tale as Old as Time, featuring Penelope Cruz

(Source: http://www.marieclaire.co.uk)

This will be the first time that I'm revealing the list of criteria which I had prayed before some years back. Nobody will fit 100%, but God knows who will have the capacity to achieve them...

I wouldn't mind if he's not a Catholic, but I do hope he can accept me being a Catholic whose spirituality is more towards charismatics. Physiques is a plus, but I'm not anywhere close to slim or hot. Furthermore, external looks do fade away as time passes by. And oh... I'm trying to live by the teachings of the Church, which means no pre-marital sex, no abortion, no divorce, etc. So, if it is you God is calling to take the challenge to complement me in life, take note of this, whoever you may be. Besides that, there's this issue which requires some physical and mental strength...

(Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-A-Wall-Around-My-Heart/1228180)

Well, yeah. This is me. The hopelessly romantic me who tends to write emo-stuffs at night :)

Life is... Love is.... Wonders of My Mind.

The titles were the three old blogspot blogs which I've closed down. I'm supposed to either sleep or write my dissertation, I know, but I'm doing neither right now. Back to the blogs.. I sort of read through what I wrote, especially about the past pseudo relationship I had with this one guy some years ago back in 2005/06. I thank God that we didn't work out though I was very hurt back then. What I wrote was absolutely idiotic! What in the world was I thinking????!!! Thank God nothing really happened between us. I guess everyone went through the period when we go gaga over some unworthy individuals who treated us like thrash. Ok, maybe not everyone. Some end up marrying them and be unhappy spouse. Some chose to divorce them. Some stayed because they have no where to go. As for me, I thank God I'm where I am right now. It'd have been crazy if God didn't intervene. I met Jesus right before I told myself I had enough and slowly though painfully, we drifted away from each other. I'll wait for the him to appear. By then, probably I'll know and I guess he'll know too if we are meant to build a life together. For now, my own journey continues. Yeah, live the life of a dreamy wanderer, running after the God who aligns my desires to His mission for me :)

I've Come So Far...

And giving up is no longer an option.

The moment I said yes to the Erasmus Mundus scholarship offer, it is already the plan that I'd complete my studies end of this month. Here it is, the final few days of tension and that's the end of it. Perhaps deep down inside me, I didn't want it to end, that's why I didn't want to complete the dissertation. No will, no way. That's why there's a saying, "Where there's a will, there's a way".

Maybe, I fear the unknown, uncharted future lying ahead of me. I thought I was going to Cambridge for my Ph.D, all seemed so planned - the timing at least, when the scholarship which I applied to informed that the results would only be out in September. But... But... The offer for Ph.D. would start on 1st October. Ermm... If they only inform me in mid-September that they are willing to sponsor me, would I have time to apply for a student visa within two weeks? And to find accommodation?! The only option is to defer to the next term (January 2014), and be fattened up for three months in Malaysia (like I'm not fat enough now). Ok, that's not the point... The point is... uncharted waters means there would be possible sharks in it, possible dolphins too. Oh yeah, I like dolphins. Again, I'm missing the points. I'm just... scared.

According to what I know, there are at least 365 phrases of "Be Not Afraid" in the Bible, one for each day. I just need to trust. Yeah, just trust that if God brings me to this, He'd open the doors hindering it. Nothing to lose to go home. Who knows, something interesting is there. And yeah, singing with the English Choir for Christmas once again would be awesome. Thank God I left my files and all with my friend in Kota Kinabalu. That's something to look forward.

Ok, I missed the whole point of my title for this entry. I should try to finish up my dissertation because I CHOSE TO DO THIS MASTERS! End of discussion. LOL!

Success is NOT Everything

'Twas back in 2005 that I learned that success IS NOT everything in life. For years and years I lived (or tried to live) up to my parents' expectations, always with a need to be successful in everything I did. I became very critical with myself, in fact, even up to now I have the tendency to be critical. My mother expected me to perform well in school, always with indication that my schoolmates were better than I was in studies. It was like a rat race, student version, in an all girls' school which was already the top three schools in my hometown many years ago (and still is the top three now!). THAT, of course, occurred because I didn't want to be in some other class besides the one I was already allocated on the first day of my secondary school based on entrance exam. Yeah, even though we were accepted to the school, we had entrance exam for class streaming. So, I was placed with a bunch of super girls, excellent in all areas. We had quite a few all rounders all gathered in the same class from different primary schools. Imagine that. And yeah, the constant worry of our average exam scores and positions in class. Even a 0.5% would cause us to have a shift of positions. Bleeekkkkk... I wonder how I got by THAT. Ugh.

Life in university was generally awesome. I met some nice people. There were heartbreaks, backstabs, whatever. But I lived through it too. And oh... someone asked me that very question which caused me to think... "If the whole achievement in your studies so far were to be taken away from you, what would you be left with?" I was speechless.

I guess that's when God started working with me more. Like how aurora borealis in Iceland would tend to have increased activities during certain seasons, certain years, the same with me. And indeed, I learned, if all were to be taken away from me, I am still left with God.

Now in the last few days of submitting my dissertation, and I'm nowhere near the end, I had a good sleep from 5 am to 10 am, yet I woke up still feeling dizzy and stressed, despite the extension given to me. I'd have to work through it somehow. Instead of keeping the stress... I took an hour plus to just read daily Scriptures, wash my face and DO a clay mask to chill and clean my face, blog a little. And yes, time to get back to work.

All will be well, this I believe. I just need to try my best, and God will do the rest.

Frozen in Time

Currently, I should be writing my dissertation, not blogging. Yet, I felt the need to share something which is close to me heart right now, this time, in a open space, rather than my usual fix of private blog. In fact, these are areas which I greatly need any form of prayers...

Soon, this will be what's happening. My tenancy ends on 14th August, so I will be leaving Lincoln into the unknown. This has been bugging me for a while, but only today I've decided to seek for some advice from a friend. I was touched that Nelda would love to help me but they are currently refurbishing their home so there would not be storage space to help me. Their previous acts of kindness towards me and their thoughts of helping me are enough to assure me that I am loved by them. I wish I could return their kindness one day for all the love shared by both Nelda and her husband Mike. I truly appreciate their friendship, not just because of their acts of love to me, but because they are both very inspiring people, motivating me to one day open my house to friends who need a temporary shelter. When I have a home and a willing partner who shares the same direction with me of course. Nelda told me I could find storage space in Cambridge while waiting for the outcome of my scholarship application and see if it would work out.

Then comes the next big thing in my life which is currently unknown (and I trust this part is safe in God's hand). I have indeed nothing to lose, since I had nothing to begin with. Nothing much to lose out if I don't get it, and everything which comes will be a blessing from God in my life. I'm planning to further my Ph.D. education in University of Cambridge, if it is according to God's plan for me in my life. I have officially accepted the offer to continue my education there, but I have yet received any scholarship which would fund my education for the next three years, and I won't be able to pay for it myself. It would sum up to around £100K for the three years there. Yes, prestigious university with a high price to pay - both physical money, and the mental challenge - to get a "P"ermanent "h"ead "D"amage. This is my passion, locked within my heart ever since the moment I stepped into University Malaysia Sabah for the first time to get my very first tertiary education degree - BSc. (Honours) in Biotechnology.

Only God knows how shattering it was for me when I had to discontinue my attempt for MSc. back then, and how I was humbled by that traumatic experience. Yet, I know that my relationship with Jesus started off because I had nothing else to lose back then when I went to Bundu Tuhan to experience Him with the rest of the Lifeline College Students and Young Adults Ministry of Sacred Heart Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. It was a turning point in my life, when all things changed and Jesus truly came into the picture. The guy whom I was interested and seemed interested in me quickly sensed His presence in my life and how it frustrated the relationship back then. He eventually married someone else. Right now, looking back, even my heart was absolutely broken, I thank God that He took away all that weren't in His plan for me. I could have been married and unhappy, than now, single and seeking the path which is aligning my desires with God's plan for me.

Right now, I'm training the dragon of my dissertation. No more trying to slay the dragon. Finally, after writing this out, I'm gaining momentum of the writing. I know I'm way too far behind if I were to compare with my fellow coursemates who are awesome scientists already when I first met them, be it now we're on talking terms or not. I'm always trailing behind them, wishing I could have the motivation and the energy they portrayed. In fact, I learned a lot for each and every of them, and since we're completing our masters officially in few weeks' time, I sincerely wish them all the best in their future undertakings and thanks for being there when I was difficult. It is my pleasure to have met all of you! Till our paths cross again, I shall miss you all, especially the ones currently based in Spain and Portugal.

Erasmus Mundus Masters in Forensic Science Cohort No.1, 2011-2013.

Front: Georsophila lolipogaster aka George aka Jorge

2nd row: Victor the Great aka Cachi, Haider mi abuelito, Isaac mi mejor amigo

3rd row: Smart and laidback Sammy, la presidente Lia Vania Dewi aka Audrey, Dorothy, Juvi, Dewy, the pretty and sophisticated and smart clinical pharmacist Mia, my ex-roomie cum awesome biologist Suzana aka Sue, smartie Umair who would never cease arguing with Sammy all the time, seriously calming CSI Jonathan, my first ever EM friend who is serious yet fun to be with, Eliza aka the vice president, and me

Last row: the very tall and gentle Jamal who introduced the "chop my money" dance

Okay, it's time for me to get back to the one real thing in my life. The answer to my prayers indeed (minus the backbreaking writing up marathon these coming few days)... I shall hold on to God for now, I have nothing else to lose anyway...

Lenten Reflection: 6th March 2013, Wednesday

Only take heed, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life; make them known to your children and your children's children.

(Deuteronomy 4:9)

This is a trying time for all Malaysians, especially those currently residing in Sabah, be it the locals or those from West Malaysia. Since my previous post on the issue of intrusion in Sabah by the sultan (whose identity is questionable) of a long-gone sultanate of Sulu, and how bloodshed had occurred, I hadn't posted a reflection of the daily readings. I have to admit and confess that I was angry with my fellow countrymen who posted troll pictures and/or politically-inclined statements on Facebook without taking responsibilities of the consequences which might happen due to their irresponsible statements. I was deeply disturbed by the current conditions which are considered one of the biggest security crises Malaysia had ever experienced ever since the days of communists attack right after independence.

Today's first reading deeply touched my heart, reminding me that the peace and unity of multiracial Malaysia aren't to be taken for granted. For about 50 years we took for granted the peace in the country while our neighbouring countries were in chaos. Right now, we finally are in the same shoes as our neighbours who struggled so much to bring peace in their nations. Indeed, as what was advised in the book of Deuteronomy - to never forget things which we are experiencing right now. We must always bear in mind and in hearts how we regain our independence and peace within the country. We must appreciate the martyrs' blood that was shed to protect our nation during this invasion of 2013. It is crucial that this should be included as part of our modern history to remind our future generation the hardship which we go through, be it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, when our security forces battled with the barbaric terrorists. It also reminds me to never take for granted my homeland. No matter how far I am right now, Malaysia will always be home, and a nation which I am proud to be born as her people.

As individuals, we don't seem to be able to do anything. But as a nation, we could do something besides voicing out our opinions about the situation, that is to PRAY FOR PEACE AND SAFETY IN SABAH. Right now, we're entering the 3rd day of Divine Mercy Novena for this special intention (GMT time), while in Malaysia, it is already the 3rd day of the novena. I, personally, am very encouraged to see everybody, doesn't matter what race or nationality, is united in prayers according to their own religious beliefs. This is one of those challenging times in our nation which ignites a very strong sense of patriotism regardless of age, ethnicity or religious beliefs. May God hear our prayers and all things will be renewed in the whole Malaysia due to this event! Amen!

Please join us to pray for Sabah by joining the FB event which is created. We have been praying the Divine Mercy Novena since 5th March until 13th March. (click here to join the event)

Lenten Reflection: 28th February 2013, Thursday

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord." (Jeremiah 17:7)

Today the word for me is "trust". Many a times, I failed to trust the Lord 100%. Though I may have prayed for divine providence, I may have failed by doubting if the prayers will be granted according to my plan, my time, my way, my will. In fact, we like to have it our way all the things in life. God's ways are different from mortal ways. Our thoughts and intelligence and understanding are limited, but God is infinite. It seems easy enough to say "I will trust in the Lord", but it is an easier said than done matter. Sometimes when we pray, His answer is a big N-O when we expect it to be a Y-E-S. It can be disappointing to not have it our way. Yet, I learned that His NO in all the wrong things which I had asked through prayers was indeed the utmost blessing in my life. I wouldn't be where I am if God had granted all those bad things I had asked.

Trust in Lord is a blessing, for He alone brings true hope in life.

Even if right now it seems so hard to fully trust God, take it slow - one step at a time. Eventually, we'll get to the 100% trust in Him. If King David, who was acknowledged by God as a man after His own heart, could trust God in times of turbulence and perils, in times of dangers and sorrows, why can't most of us who are basically living in comfortable conditions trust in Him?

Guarding Your Heart... From What?

Today's first reading was taken from Hosea chapter 2. I saw this article on my Google Drive but the link was dead. I managed to find back the article from someone's blog, and find that it is a good reminder to myself, and perhaps to you who are reading too. Being afraid to get my heart broken, being afraid of all the commitments and responsibilities, being afraid that nobody can handle my idiosyncrasies, probably I have closed my heart to the possibility of deepening relationships with people around me. To enter into deeper relationships means taking risk of having my heart broken, taking risk of commitments and responsibilities, taking risk of having a person who may actually handle my idiosyncrasies with smile and amusement to his own. I'm not a risk-taker at this point. I guess, at this point, I need to let God lead me instead of me telling God what kind of person I desire to be with. My needs may not be met by a person with traits I desire anyway.

And so, here's the article. Enjoy!


Guarding Your Heart … From What?
by Lindy Keffer 
Some of us become so intent on "guarding our hearts," that we may be missing out on some things that God has to teach us. Lindy discusses the idea that protecting ourselves from possible hurt may not be the best way to go about our relationships.


What was God Thinking?Apparently, God didn't read Finding the Love of Your Life1  before commanding His prophet Hosea to marry Gomer the adulteress. If He had, He would have known that a propensity for prostitution is not something a man of God should look for in a wife.


Is it just me, or does anyone else's sense of moral outrage flare up over Hosea's story? I mean, come on. This doesn't sound like Passion and Purity.2  Not much I Kissed Dating Goodbye3  going on here. Not only did Hosea fail to guard his heart, he ran headlong into a relationship full of pain. And he did it at God's command.


When I first heard Hosea's story, I had a difficult time swallowing it for a couple of reasons. Obviously, it's heart-breaking to watch the prophet give himself to a woman who repeatedly betrays him in the beds of other men. But as hard as that is to stomach, it turns out to be a beautiful metaphor for God's insatiable love for His unfaithful people. The bigger wrestling match in my mind was over what this story has to say about human love. Sure, I know that the book of Hosea isn't intended as a marriage manual. But I also know that God never commands His servants to do something that falls outside His plan, and that includes His plan for marriage.


So how do we reconcile the fact that, while God's command to Hosea can't possibly go against His design for marriage, it sure seems to fly in the face of the advice given in Christian relationship books?


I Don't Hate I Kissed Dating Goodbye
First, let me say that I wholeheartedly agree with Christian authors who counsel believers to stay pure, honor marriage and make wise decisions in choosing a spouse. Likewise, I detest the worldly idea that we should use one another to gratify our own lustful desires without a thought of lifelong commitment (or even a second date). For the most part, I think Christian relationship books were written to encourage us to live toward and within marriage in a way that honors God's design for it.


But, I also think that Christian culture has turned relationships into a formula — do it this way and you will arrive at the altar with the ideal spouse and without emotional scars. We talk about "guarding our hearts" and avoiding "emotional prostitution." We set conservative physical boundaries — sometimes deciding to go no further than hand-holding and hugging before marriage. But do these things really get at the point of Christian courtship? I say no, and here's why…


On Guard
When we talk about guarding our hearts, we usually mean being super careful about how much personal stuff we disclose to someone in whom we're romantically interested. We think of it as a way to save our emotional intimacy for our future spouses. There's only one problem with this idea. It's not actually biblical. The phrase "guard your heart" comes from Proverbs 4:23. Read in context, it's clearly talking about guarding our hearts against sin, not people.4 


As usual, the Bible calls us to a standard higher than the ones we construct for ourselves. Guarding our hearts against sin includes much of the wisdom that's already built into the Christian dating culture: It causes us to choose our company carefully, steer clear of physical activity that arouses our sexual passions, and factor the lifelong nature of the marriage commitment into our interaction with potential spouses. It also asks us to dig deeper — to go beyond the neat boundaries outlined in books and lectures and wrestle with God regarding our own sin.


So, rather than deciding that purity means not kissing before engagement, we have to ask, "When is physical affection selfish rather than self-giving?" or "At what point am I giving in to temptation and violating my own conscience?" And we must be willing to forsake anything that doesn't measure up to these standards, even if, at times, it's something as seemingly innocent as hugging.5 


For those of us who once felt safe and justified living within the Christian dating box, the demands of righteousness can come as a shock. Suddenly, it's not about checking all the boxes on the list, but about being intimately attuned to the Holy Spirit, even as we are growing closer to another person. Sometimes we are surprised at the unexpected places where sin lurks in our hearts. And that's not the only tough thing we encounter when we stop guarding ourselves against people and start guarding against sin.


Take a Risk, Take a Chance, Make a Change
As hard as it is to fully expose my heart to God, I find one thing more difficult: exposing my heart to other humans. That's probably because I have known God for as long as I can remember and have found Him completely trustworthy. Humans — not so much. I think this is the hardest part about dating and marriage. In order to get to the point of making a lifelong commitment to love someone, we must open ourselves up to (at least one) sinful person who will hurt us. Somehow, I think we've taken the Christian relationship books to mean that if we follow all the steps, we can avoid the hurt, but it just isn't so.


I don't number myself among those who believe that God takes a risk in loving us. But because we lack His sovereignty and omniscience, I think we necessarily take risks when we imitate His sacrificial love. Or, as C.S. Lewis puts it in The Four Loves, "There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken ... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."6 


Conventional church wisdom sometimes tells us otherwise: Do not invest yourself too deeply in anyone until you know that person is "The One." I know, I know. To anyone who hasn't dated within Christian culture, it sounds absurd, but many Christian singles have bought this line. They're the ones who say, "I only want to date the person I marry." They live in fear of accidentally giving an irretrievable piece of their heart away to someone they might not wed.
Certainly, marriage is undermined when we have given our hearts and bodies away haphazardly to those we didn't end up marrying. But at the other end of the spectrum, the desire to "save everything for my future spouse" can translate into practical paralysis — we are simply unable to move forward in a relationship where the end is not known.


Who's Guarding Your Heart?The problem with this approach is that it demands that God give us a guarantee of "happily ever after" before we ever become vulnerable with someone we care about. But because marriage is always between two sinful people, it will always be a leap of faith. And for two God-followers considering the possibility of marriage, there will often be fears, misgivings and hurts as we grasp what it means to be an imperfect person who deeply loves an imperfect person. And this, I think, is the core of the heart-guarding issue. We may say we're guarding our hearts to honor God, but if we're really honest, we're trying to keep ourselves from getting hurt.


Instead, we ought to see dating and courtship as a time of trusting uncertainty. We find someone who could potentially be a godly spouse. Sparks fly — hopefully for both people — and somehow or another (depending on which books we've read), we become intentional about getting to know each other.


If we guard our hearts against sin, we save ourselves loads of pain and regret should the relationship end. But at some point, the road to marriage requires making ourselves vulnerable to someone we have not yet committed to marry. That's a scary thing, but at that point we have a choice — guard our own hearts, and, in our self-protection, lose our ability to really love. Or, let God guard our hearts, trusting that even if we are abandoned by humans, He will hide us under His wings and make us whole again.


Pain is Productive
The Christian dating culture seems to rebel against the idea that God might lead us down the relationship road far enough to get hurt, but not so far as marriage. We will go to great lengths to avoid this excruciating state of limbo. But what if this pain is fully within God's plan for us?


It's like the blind man in John 9. He didn't suffer because he sinned. He suffered so that Jesus would have an opportunity to glorify the Father through his healing. So, if you wind up investing in a relationship that doesn't lead to marriage, don't see it as a moral failure (unless you have actually failed morally). Don't see it as the thwarting of God's plan for your life. It could be that God is refining you with His fire, painfully burning away your impurities — bringing healing to you and glory to Himself as He does so.


I'm sure Hosea wondered many times why God would ask him to go through the pain he suffered in his marriage. But he honored the marriage covenant, made himself open to his wife and trusted God with his heart. Because of his obedience, we have some of the Bible's most tender words from Christ, the bridegroom, to us, His bride:


I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness ... (Hosea 2:19-20, NIV).


What better safety could our hearts find?

Prayer Walk with Jesus

This is the building where I have my classes...

Today I woke up a minute before the alarm clock rang. It amazed me more than anything to be able to be awakened before the alarm clock. So I got ready, even had breakfast of salami with cheese spread sandwich and a cup of milk before leaving the house. Slowly I waited for the bus and then arrived the campus half an hour before class starts. I slept late last night, so I walked to the library to get a cuppa coffee from the coffee vending machine. Yummy coffee from the machine more than the freshly-brewed coffee. Haha!

As I walked back to the class, I had a chat with Jesus. It has been a long while since I walked and talked to the Lord as my Friend, my Companion. The steady and faithful companion, I'd say. It was beautiful, to see the birds in the air, awakened by the daylight and started their daily lives of finding food and flying freely in the air. Today's readings are about the theme "Be not afraid". Apparently there are 365 verses of "be not afraid" in different versions in the bible. Each day, God is comforting us to not be afraid but be strengthened.

Today's Gospel is taken from Luke 12:1-7, but what really struck me is verse 12, "But even the hairs of your head are all counted. Do not be afraid; you are more value than many sparrows". This is how much we mean to God. I am encouraged by this verse to persevere when things get tough here in Cordoba, especially when it comes to not knowing Spanish and have to attend masses in this language. It sometimes drives me nuts.

The lecturer is here. Time to start working smart :)

May God bless the world and that they will know who Jesus is!

The Fourth Weekend in Cordoba

A month in Cordoba, and the furthest I've been is the Puerte del Romano at the historical side of the city, near where I stay. I have completed one month of not traveling. So once there's money from the scholarship, it's time for me to travel a bit...

Today I want to share a story of wolves in sheepskin. Too often, come to think of that, we see wolves in sheepskin. And we sometimes too become wolves in sheepskin. All these "efforts" are fueled by the need to profit something out of people. The something could be anything: money, relationships, attention, power, etc. The list goes on forever. Sometimes, we don't realize we're being eaten by the wolf until it is too late. Sometimes, when we realize it, we are at the point of death. Yet, when our alarm rings within us and we found ourselves in the mouth of the wolf, the question would be: do we want to fight back and maybe win the battle, or just let the wolf consume our flesh?

I've been in the condition where the wolf consumed me without me knowing. By the time I realized I was already dying. And indeed, it ate the whole me up, killing me softly. Recently, I got to know a wolf in the sheepskin again. I though this she-wolf is a lamb in the first place, all so innocent and seemingly kind. But when I sense kiasu-ness and pretense seeping in, it was rather odd. My continuous observations made me see selfishness and the smartness beneath all the fabricated innocence. It made me nauseous to be in the same space as the she-wolf. Perhaps all the past experiences with another wolf made me more alert about how this species of wolf preyed for it's food, that's why I am highly alert now.

I have always been a loner by nature, given to the family background I have... With only a younger brother, and both parents working, I have learned independence in doing things on my own, play on my own.. That doesn't mean I don't want to depend on others. It's just that I've always been seen as a strong and independent person. When I cried out loud the first time I was eaten by the wolf, everyone left me on my own to lick my wound, not knowing that I died. This time, I know I will not die. I will survive and outlive the she-wolf. It's time for me to refocus and follow the plans God has for me. Sometimes, people's advices are I shouldn't be so strong so that I won't intimidate the men who might want to pursue me. Yet, I believe a strong man who is after God's own heart like David, if God's willing, to pursue me will not want the pretentious me. I am strong not because of myself, but because I am weak and MY GOD IS STRONG.

So, she-wolf, it's payback time.

Europe Countdown: Day 02 - The EVE

I bade farewell to Kota Kinabalu yesterday morning. I felt so strange saying goodbye to the land which I called home for the past nine years. It had been a wonderful 9 years there in KK. My church friends are more like family than friends, and I met so many wonderful women of faith in church. These ladies had made a difference in my life, and I'm sure they too will make a difference in all other people whom they will encounter. My choir master and wife, Fred and Gloria, both of them are my friends whom I saw through the times they care for each other enough to start dating, then engaged, next married and now, starting a young family. Throughout these important periods of their lives, I somewhat was there and am there. The Christmas and Easter Choir practices were always my priority and I truly enjoyed the moments spent with them... Then there are Felix and Yvonne, who had been there since I first joined Lifeline Ministry until this moment. Their kindness reflects the love of Christ to the people around them, and I have been honoured to have met them both. Indeed, God is good to all! There are so many people who have touched my life in KK that if I start to recount, it shall go on and on and on.....

Here in KL, I have a wonderful friend who had put me up everytime I visited. She's Jennifer Lau from Lifeline Ministry SFX. Now I'm blogging from her house while checking if my DVD burner and HDD are working before taking off from Malaysia tomorrow. Seems like I haven't found the right program to play DVD on my Windows 7 basic. Besides Jenn, I have Kiwi, who has never failed to meet me up every time I come to KL. He's like one of the nicest guys I've ever met - the way he pampers me and all.. High chance is he doesn't know it, and I doubt he ever reads my blog. Once in a while I still wonder how come he's so nice to me and yet we never thought of wanting a relationship with each other. Yet I know, God has a plan for me which I need to explore His goodness in my life.

It's getting late. Though there are so much which I'd like to share here, but I guess tonight I'd have to rest a bit. There's the morning taxi to catch later, then check-in at KLIA, and finally the flight to Doha. Bidding goodbyes isn't easy.. Just now I said goodbye to Kiwi on the phone and I felt very sad when I think of leaving behind things and people that I'm familiar with... Yet I know His plan is greater than just this...

Please pray for all World Youth Day Pilgrims who will be going to Spain for this event!

Europe Countdown: Day 05

My last entry was on Day 14. It's after midnight, and my day 05 is history. An amazing day, I'd say, though my back is sore and I have 60% of stuffs to pack... Let's recount and see what I had done the whole day in the grace of God.

I woke up with a jolt, remembering today was D-day for packing. I never like packing and have always procrastinated as long as I could to pack. I had no choice but to start today because I am flying to KL on Saturday morning and my car has to be sent to the warehouse tomorrow noon. So in the midst of packing, my wonderful insurance agent came by to save my backbone by giving me a massage. It hurt like crazy but I know it's really good for the back. After lunch, I was so sleepy that I could not focus, so I drove out to pick up some stuffs from everywhere, including paying for my contact lens in 1Borneo. After few hours, returned home and started packing while waiting for nightfall.

I finally met Caveman after 7 months. The last time I met him, I just had my hair curled. Now my hair is curled again. I hope it won't take another perming session to meet him. Oh well, it can't be helped if it is so. I'm thankful that he drove all the way from Taman Khidmat to fetch me and then dinner at Sailors' in Grand Millennium. For me, the best part was I genuinely and sincerely felt so loved by God as I shared my journey with him. Half the time I was uneasy and uncertain what would be the right thing for me to say or do. It's kinda weird, really, to actually schedule this appointment about a month prior to this date. He seems fine, more relaxed. I felt judged at one point, but I'm trying my best to brush the feelings aside, recognizing it's not from God. My friendship with him is like a gift from God, and I thank God for everything which came together with this friendship. Haha. Including the anger I felt about certain issue. At least, I've been praying for the past 1 year and 5 months for him about the issue. And I shall pray until things change. I'm sure if things are changing, I will get the wind of it.

After the relaxed-not-so-relaxing dinner, I'm back to the room in Kingfisher and it's time to pack. Yeah, I'm assured in the Lord despite the worries I'm experiencing at the moment, and I'm secured having Him as the Faithful One. Amen to this God of mine.

I pray my last four days in Malaysia will be calm and smooth. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Europe Countdown: Day 17

Suddenly, it is less than 3 weeks before I leave. I have another 5 working days and then it is the end of my working life for the time being. Being a student is always both a challenge and leisure. I do hope being far away from my homeland will make me a stronger person. I know I shall enjoy the moments of learning and absorbing knowledge, and also the exploration of Europe herself.

As I move towards the end of July, I find myself with so many unsettled things - transfer of billing and mailing address, unpaid bills, phone package transfer, things to buy and pack, things to bring home and give away... the list goes on and on, and most of them require a sufficient amount of money (which I don't have right now). The smart organization which I am working now decided to pay my salary only on the last day of this month (my original pay date is 22nd of the month). This leaves me broke and stuck without the ability to do anything else this weekend. I guess at the moment, I can only pack my stuffs which are all over the room, and see how it goes.

I know that this challenge I will be able to pass, and God is with me. I can't describe what it means to me at the moment, with so many voices telling me that things are failing and I sometimes am disappointed with things at work etc... but I am certain that my God is a faithful God, even when I am faithless.

So, here I am, done with day 17. With 16 days at hand, many things have to be done. May I be strengthened as I journey through the final two weeks in Malaysia...

Europe Countdown: Day 39

I wrote this on 30th June 2011 morning....

Oops.. I missed out DAY 40. It was yesterday. Okay, now the official announcement which was meant for yesterday....

I RECEIVED OFFER TO STUDY ERASMUS MUNDUS MASTERS IN FORENSIC SCIENCE, SO I AM LEAVING MALAYSIA TO EUROPE OFFICIALLY ON 8TH AUGUST 2011.

This is a JOYFUL news for me, as I have always been good with my research skills and would love to return to research... For five years I have contemplated about leaving the country due to the many excuses I gave myself. Yet, beyond all the excuses I have made, I knew that deep down, God's plan is greater than what I can see. So, this time round, I found myself without any excuse to say NO to Him again. Instead, I give myself the chance to trust in God's plan in my life.

Last year September, I had a long chat with Felix and Yvonne, two great friends who have been there for me since 2006 when I first joined Lifeline Ministry. It has been a long and wonderful journey with them both. The chat with me caused me to think further and deeper in my future. My question then was "Am I doing what I am called to do?" and also "Have I been using my talents which God has given to me?" Sadly speaking, I did not. I started making steps towards living my life to the fullest, which  means I have to live and use the God-given talents I have to let His light shine through me. I know I am capable to get my further degrees done if I want to. And yes, I have been passionate about my research projects etc, so I know eventually, I will be happier if I follow the passion I have...

There's this story about the Baby Camel and the Mama Camel which I heard from Derek Chong, our church youth coordinator cum my life coach during Jumpstart seminar.... It's applicable to all wild animals kept in zoo. We, the human beings, want to keep them safe and provide chances for our future generations to see these endangered species. Yet, we forgot that God creates each animal to be special and specific to their living environment. When we are put in a place where our specific talents are used, we thrive despite difficulties, and we will be happy. When we are not, then the opposite occurs. It is not that I am not happy being a private secondary school teacher, but I know there is more than just this in me. So, I need to start exploring them once again.

I applied to both Gwangju Institute of Science and Technology in South Korea and also Erasmus Mundus programs (in fact I applied for three Erasmus programs). I was pretty sure I will be going to Korea as I was in the reserved list for EM Masters in Forensic Science when the results was out in April. Yet, the Lord has His plan for me. In mid May, I received an email from the program coordinator asking if I am still interested to take up the grant offer. I took the chance since I did not hear anything from GIST yet. Only by end of May they informed me that the position is mine and all I need to do was to proceed with visa application. For the information My naive mind thought that going overseas was as easy as ABC, and I was very wrong as there are many bureaucratic steps to be taken and trips to KL had to be planned and executed.

Now, I am in the process of getting my Certificate of Good Conduct from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and the Non-Objection Certificate from Ministry of Higher Education so that I can proceed with the visa application with the Embassy of Spain. Fingers crossed that I will be able to get the certs when I go to KL in mid-July. Though worried, I know now I have to rely on God for His divine intervention. With God, all things are possible.

Another problem arising which I hope I can somewhat solve prior to my flight to Madrid will be the location of my extra luggages. I hope I can place my luggage in Cordoba (where I shall be for the first 6 months of my studies), but keeping them in Madrid will be equally sufficient. In fact, I'm on the "as long as there is a safe place to keep my luggage for 1 month" mode... Another challenge will be to get everything settled prior to my last departure from KK on 6th August morning - the car, the boxes of stuffs, extra clothes to give away, things to send back to Johor, bills and letters from insurance companies, mobile service providers, Streamyx... A LONG list of things to do in fact. Is there anyone who can assist me please???

So now, in the midst of all these I still have work to do. And now, to break the news to the students so that they will not be too surprised of my depart. Oh well, knowing them, they wouldn't care. But I still have the responsibility to inform them. So, nope, I am not abandoning them. It's just that I have something which my priority in life right now. And I want to know what God has in His plan for me.

Europe Countdown: Day 55

Another day has passed. I am in KL now. There shouldn't be jet lag traveling from East Malaysia to West Malaysia. I should sleep soon, so that I can wake up early later. Well, the plan is this: I am going to Putrajaya using public transport, and there are two places for me to cover in order to settle the three things I'm supposed to do in KL.

As I looked back into the past weeks, I noticed I've been living like a nomad. Why so? Ever since I moved out from the house which I had stayed for 6 years since university days, I had been staying in various places - first I stayed 2 weeks in Irene's house, then three days in the room in Kingfisher, next was 9 days in Kuching at my friend, Vicky's house. Back to the room in KF for 4 days, and here I am in KL for 5 days. I hope I can stay in KK and rest my body a bit. I feel exhausted with all these mental and physical changes all the time. Yet I know, this is unavoidable if I want to get things done.

But God also sent His chosen people into the desert for 40 years before they entered into the Promised Land. Well, come to think of it... It's not that bad to be nomadic. At least I have warm water shower every day since I moved back to KF, even while I'm traveling. Thank and praise God.

There must be a plan... And I believe the plan God has in mind for me is the best.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"You are well aware of the generosity which our Lord Jesus Christ had, that, although he was rich, he became poor for your sake, so that you should become rich through his poverty." (2 Cor 8:9)

Pentecost: The Outpouring of the Holy Spirit

Today is the eve of Pentecost, and this evening we'll be serving mass in Sacred Heart Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. In fact, this is the last Pentecost weekend I will serve in KK. After this, in 8 weeks time, I will have to start a new journey to a new place, with everything so foreign, so alien for me. The Spirit moves in my life in a very strange, yet loving way. I could not comprehend how all these can be, but I look forward for more of the Spirit who is the God of love.

For months I have been hiding in a nutshell, because I don't want others to speculate everything which I do. I, too, am hiding behind my masks. Beneath the masks, I am just another fragile, broken and fearful girl. Sometimes, I wish I could show more of who I am to everyone without needing to fear that my vulnerability becomes a tool for others to hurt me. So I hide under the masks of unbeatable strength, confidence, and perhaps, solitary life is what I do best. But, I am as human as everyone is, so I also would love companions who would not think of me as weird or fearsome...

Last night, I experienced disappointment because my request was rejected by a friend whom I really trust to lean on when I am helpless. Indeed, human beings are born to be selfish. Who would use the excuse that they need to pick up their husbands who would be at work at 4pm when ask to send their friend to the airport? So I know that I can not trust the possibility of asking for help from this cherished friend anymore. No point hanging out or chilling at her place when I feel lonely anymore, for she probably never treats me as her friend, but a burden, really.

Six years ago, I declined the offer to further my studies in Korea, and chose to stay behind in KK to continue my Masters degree. Yet, a year later, I chose to discontinue the research because of the problems that came with it. Money is the root cause to it, or maybe, my lack of confidence to go through it. My parents, especially my mother, harped on the issues of returning PTPTN loan, living allowance, monetary problems at home every time she called me. I am the eldest in the family, the feeling of inability to provide less problems to the family seeped into my mind and I felt inadequate as a child. There was no research fund for the project I was doing, and the main supervisor refused to let me do another project because she needed my results. All these overburdened my shoulders and the only way to stop all these from haunting me was to walk away from biotech research and get a job with stable monthly income.

Hence, I started working. Yeah, stable, monthly income for a 5-day job with a horrible unmarried female manager. Not only she was a micro-manager who could not bear anyone else with a qualification higher than hers (she had only SPM at the time of me working there), she googled my I/C no and full name, then forwarded links to my colleagues, using me as a joke of the day. Any person with a healthy mental status wouldn't sign him/herself as "Inspector xxxx" using company internal email with the header of "Sia jadi CIA" (translates to "I become CIA"). Not only that, she too, accused me of trying to open the door of my company of an off day by asking the locksmith in the same building, and also trying to hook up with my client (who happened to my friend's colleague and I was just trying to assist a friend - oh yeah, whom she tried so hard to buy him a mango cheesecake but was rejected). When I found out about the email, I decided to resign. And in February 2008, I left the company (thank God!!).

God provided a new job with new challenges. A LOT. It was then when I realize I want to continue my studies. Yet, again and again, I did not make the move to find out more and see what lies ahead of me. Yeah, the fears gripped me tight - of money, and constant harping from my family about loans etc. As much as I know my talents are being wasted, I stayed behind. I know my mission was not completed. There was an evil head who did many bad things to me, trying so hard to get rid of me all the time. Nobody was looking at the spiritual growth of the people under our care. The organization was breaking apart, drift caused by the head himself. I was broken, from inside out. But the Lord was with me, and He is still with me. And I thank God that He stays with me always, to let me survived the reign of the evil head.

I attended seminars, pumped myself with religious books, talked to numerous people. And the conclusion is "it is time to move on and use my talents as how God has given me". Now, I am in the cycle where all the harpings and problems arise. I can barely breathe, I can barely survive. But I can only continue trusting in God, who promise me that I am His child and He will always be with me.

Today is Pentecost, may the Holy Spirit shows Himself to all people of God. Amen.