After 24 Hours of Darkness, I'm Out of It!

After a day dwelling in negative side of things, I've decided to walk out of darkness by embracing the uncharted future with slightly more courage than yesterday. Ain't easy, the negativity still looms around like shadow (which won't go away because shadows and sunlight do go hand in hand with each other). Two sides of the same coin, in fact, my miseries and how the Lord can work in me. I was walking towards darkness last night. The Lord saw me, and my guardian angel probably stood by my side keeping me from being sucked into total darkness. I'm thankful it was the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola on 31st July and I made it a point to attend mass on feast days of my patron saints.

Yesterday, I dwelt on how a person would choose to walk away eventually from me just because I am me, and how I define close friend. After much thoughts, reflections and considerations, perhaps it was just a mechanism that shows how fearful we both are when it comes to taking a step forward to be closer friends. Fear sometimes can cause us to freeze at where we are, because we don't know how to handle it. I froze to my seat in fear upon returning from Poland and broke down because I didn't know how I could handle my unwritten dissertation. Thank God for those who were patient with me during the difficult period of time.

Back to the story of my patron saints... The one whose name I bear is St. Therese of Lisieux. My baptismal name is Cindy Theresa (Theresa is a variant of Therese). Her feast day is 1 October. With her I made the journey to learn how to love once again. Then, there's St. Jude Thaddeus, whose feast day is on 28 October. He's the one I seek for intercessions all the time for impossible cases and prayers had been answered through his intercessions indeed. I've come to appreciate the Ignatian spirituality founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. By pure coincidence (though I believe that nothing is truly a coincidence to God), I stumbled into the monastery, La Cova de Manresa, Barcelona, where St. Ignatius of Loyola spent eleven months to write the book of the Spiritual Exercises. Honestly, I've not experienced the full Spiritual Exercises before as I'm unsure if I could handle it by myself. The Lord blessed me with the presence of Fr. Tri Dinh while I was on a supposed personal retreat in the Cave when I was told there won't be any English-speaking priest available to guide me. That was two years ago. Yet, it is fresh in my memory the strange peace which overcame me when I was in the tiny little cave while Fr. Tri Dinh told me that St. Ignatius was there some 500 years ago. I realise that subconsciously I become more aware of myself as I reflect deeper of my being. That's why St. Ignatius is also my patron saint.

A verse from Ezekiel which comforted me some years back on my decisions then jumped back at me last night, reminding me where I am is where I should be, and what I should be seeking too. So I'm jumping at these coming months of homeless wanderings and uncharted waters with a new-found courage, to find the new heart and new spirit which God promises me.

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

(Ezekiel 36:26, NRSV)

My heart has been calling me to visit Republic of Ireland for a while now. I'm still unsure what it is all about, but I'm very certain and at peace with the idea of a two-week journey to Ireland. I took some time off from things, and focused on laying out a plan. The one-way flight from Manchester to Dublin was booked, and the hostel stays were reserved in several locations. The planner me wanted to be sure I have a roof over my head wherever I go, so I got the hostels planned first. The transportation and other details I will work out later on. So far, my heart is thrilled about going into the mountains of Connemara of west Ireland. I wish I could stay longer, but the accommodation was unavailable. Solely the two nights there, so I shall make the best out of what I have. Honestly, I'm actually spending more time in the wild wild west of Ireland rather than the east. This is a journey I have chosen to go. Let's see what God has in mind for me as I walk with Him through this.

After 24 hours of dark night of my soul, the usual me is back. More courage, not my own, but the Lord's. All glory and thanks be to my God!

Jeremiah 29:11

Two years and two months ago, upon discernment and rather careful planning, plus a "YES" to God to venture into uncharted waters, I resigned from a rather stable 5-day job and bade goodbye to teaching career upon completion of the 3-month notice. It was a strange day where nobody seemed to care. Yet, I knew I was doing exactly what I was called to do, and going to exactly where I was called to go.

It was a miracle when a month after the scholarship results was out and I was on reserved list (which literally means, "with sincere apologies we would like to inform you that you are not selected to be in our scholarship program) that I was offered that very scholarship again. I could only attribute this miracle to God and His plans for me. I was on a roller coaster when I said the second yes.

The first yes was to attend World Youth Day in Madrid, Spain, when I didn't even have financial means to pay for my flights nor registration fees. The second yes was to accept the scholarship and stayed back in Spain rather than to fly back. It would be a brand new chapter in my life. Two sides of the same coin - adventurous and scary at the same time.

I'm a planner by nature, so I've decided that I should travel a bit before the studies commenced. To end the chapter of a working young adult and jump into the chapter of a mature student. By April 2011, I had almost everything worked out - where I would go after WYD, where to leave my 25 kg luggage (all that I could bring for my two-year or more stay in Europe), transportation and accommodations during the Eurotrip, etc. I got really good bargain for my Rome accommodation, and managed to visit a fellow Couchsurfer in his family home in Crailsheim, Germany, and my two South Korean friends in Freiburg. So my journey started on 9th August 2011 when I left Malaysia (with the rest of the WYD team) until further notice.

Upon arrival to Madrid, I took the train down to Cordoba and met with the flatmate of the CSer who housed my luggage for a whole month while I traveled with my Deuter 45L backpack. From Cordoba, I took a bus to La Linea and met up with the group and walked over to Gibraltar where we spent almost a week there for the pre-WYD event. It was spiritually awakening indeed. From Gibraltar, we all took a bus back to super hot Madrid for WYD and yeah, I met Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI in Madrid during the weekend. After WYD ended, I bade goodbye to my church friends and started the solo travel to Barcelona on overnight bus. I arrived very early in the morning, took a train to Manresa and walked to the monastery where I stayed for three nights. I was blessed with the presence of an American Vietnamese priest, Fr. Tri Dinh, who guided me on personal retreat for a day. I never knew that the La Cueva was where St. Ignatius of Loyola stayed and wrote the Spiritual Exercises until I arrived and was given basic information of the monastery. So, for three nights I spent in silence getting enough rest, and be amazed by the love of God. After recharging myself, I met up my old classmate and her friend in Barcelona for two days to catch up and walked around the city of Gaudi. From Barcelona, I flew to Rome and spent four amazing days there. From Rome, I flew to Basel and took a train to Germany. Finally, I returned to Basel after about 5 days in Germany to fly to Spain again - to start my studies.

I'm on Erasmus Mundus Masters Course (EMMC) Scholarship, so every semester I moved to another country where my host university is. September 2011 we started in Madrid, by February 2012 we moved to Lisbon. I went back to Malaysia for the summer, spending about 3 weeks in West Malaysia and the other three in East Malaysia, and attended a close friend's wedding in Kota Kinabalu before I flew back to our 3rd country - the UK - in September 2012. I'm blessed with the opportunity to work on a project here in the UK so I'm here for the whole academic year. By November 2012, I started making enquiries about PhD vacancies. I know I have to get a PhD anywhere before I return to my homeland to start contributing again to the society, or anywhere God leads me to. Out of all the applications and enquiries, only Cambridge is all the way with positive answers...

Currently, I am shy of the financial assistance. I'm almost there, just the money which is stopping me from telling everyone that I'm going to Cambridge for PhD in October. It all got very exciting when Fitzwilliam College added me to the FB graduate group and started knowing who are the ones who would be in the same college as I do, and reading about the traditions of Cambridge. Yet, I'm right now in the 2nd phase of consideration for a scholarship which may fund my 3-year studies. I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm scared. I'm just being human. Yet I know, I have done all I could. I had completed the documentation they needed, and emailed them right before I started writing this entry. Now, only God is left. If it is His will that I will receive some Cambridge education, there I will be, just on time, not a day early, not a day late.

As much as me being a stubborn mule, this time, may God's will be done in my life. For I know that His plans are greater than mine, more intricate and better than what I have in mind. And all His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me (c.f. Jer 29:11).

Lenten Reflection: 28th February 2013, Thursday

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord." (Jeremiah 17:7)

Today the word for me is "trust". Many a times, I failed to trust the Lord 100%. Though I may have prayed for divine providence, I may have failed by doubting if the prayers will be granted according to my plan, my time, my way, my will. In fact, we like to have it our way all the things in life. God's ways are different from mortal ways. Our thoughts and intelligence and understanding are limited, but God is infinite. It seems easy enough to say "I will trust in the Lord", but it is an easier said than done matter. Sometimes when we pray, His answer is a big N-O when we expect it to be a Y-E-S. It can be disappointing to not have it our way. Yet, I learned that His NO in all the wrong things which I had asked through prayers was indeed the utmost blessing in my life. I wouldn't be where I am if God had granted all those bad things I had asked.

Trust in Lord is a blessing, for He alone brings true hope in life.

Even if right now it seems so hard to fully trust God, take it slow - one step at a time. Eventually, we'll get to the 100% trust in Him. If King David, who was acknowledged by God as a man after His own heart, could trust God in times of turbulence and perils, in times of dangers and sorrows, why can't most of us who are basically living in comfortable conditions trust in Him?

Feast of Christ the King

Today marks the final Sunday before Advent, which means in less 40 days we'll be celebrating the coming of this King who came down to earth to gather all His sheep in the form of a little Babe. Am I prepared? Are YOU prepared? Personally, I have to admit that I am not prepared to receive Him for my stable is empty and dirty. What about yours? 

Spring cleaning ought to have started when I started with my new chapter of life. But I procrastinated as always. Though I said I started a new chapter in life, but I brought along with me a heavy baggage - emotional baggage - which I should have worked out before I left Malaysia. For the past three months in Europe, I struggled with 101 things, the first of all struggles is being Christian. Many-a-times I was and am tempted to not go for mass for the fear of being teased as religious. People questioned me, "Why are you so conscious about what others think about you?" and I'm dumbfounded. I do care and and I wish I care not of what others think.

Many had expressed that I am weird, strange, awkward etc. All these brought hurt to my inner child, who wants justice to be done and impartiality in the world. The yearnings I have for an impartial and just world sometimes hurt me. Oh, I am being too ideal! That makes me weird. Being overly friendly makes others uncomfortable being around me. Respecting people with knowledge and enjoying my time spent with them causing me to be labeled as strange. What is the best option for me then?

Today, the feast of the King, my Savior Jesus, and I still commit a sin against the temple of the Holy Spirit, in my thoughts, in my mind, in what I've done, in what I've failed to do... And how is it that I should await joyously for the coming of my King? Yet, I know that every single thing I do, every single mistake I've done, God knows and all I need to do is to repent and return to His embrace. And He will embrace me tightly, telling me I'm loved no matter how much I have grieved Him.

This year is the first year after my renewal in 2006 that I am not taking part in serving the mass nor caroling. The separation I felt from my community drives me to tears so often as Christmas draws nearer. I know this is not from God that I should feel this intense loneliness, and it is self-seeking that I should feel this way. This year's theme is The Light of the World, and knowing that His Word is a light unto my path, I shall walk with certainty in this bleak world. One day, I will know the reason beyond this separation, and rejoice that I have pulled through this dark time.

Till then, I will have to hold on to the hope that He is my Shepherd and there is nothing I shall want (c.f. Psalm 23:1).

Prayer Walk with Jesus

This is the building where I have my classes...

Today I woke up a minute before the alarm clock rang. It amazed me more than anything to be able to be awakened before the alarm clock. So I got ready, even had breakfast of salami with cheese spread sandwich and a cup of milk before leaving the house. Slowly I waited for the bus and then arrived the campus half an hour before class starts. I slept late last night, so I walked to the library to get a cuppa coffee from the coffee vending machine. Yummy coffee from the machine more than the freshly-brewed coffee. Haha!

As I walked back to the class, I had a chat with Jesus. It has been a long while since I walked and talked to the Lord as my Friend, my Companion. The steady and faithful companion, I'd say. It was beautiful, to see the birds in the air, awakened by the daylight and started their daily lives of finding food and flying freely in the air. Today's readings are about the theme "Be not afraid". Apparently there are 365 verses of "be not afraid" in different versions in the bible. Each day, God is comforting us to not be afraid but be strengthened.

Today's Gospel is taken from Luke 12:1-7, but what really struck me is verse 12, "But even the hairs of your head are all counted. Do not be afraid; you are more value than many sparrows". This is how much we mean to God. I am encouraged by this verse to persevere when things get tough here in Cordoba, especially when it comes to not knowing Spanish and have to attend masses in this language. It sometimes drives me nuts.

The lecturer is here. Time to start working smart :)

May God bless the world and that they will know who Jesus is!

Europe Countdown: Day 49

Another 7 weeks to my Europe trip. Frankly speaking, I am lacking of confidence that I would get everything settled on time. Another 6 weeks in school. I am trying so hard now to forgive those who had intentionally informed everyone in the school, including the students that I am going away. In fact, I don't need such promotions. All I want is some serenity to get things done instead of delaying things because of unwanted questions from everyone. I am just tired of explaining myself all the time.

I left KL with a rather heavy heart. I have friends who are battling with something tough and stressful right now. I could do nothing for them, except prayers to be offered for them daily now. Yeah, I wasn't really a good friend, like what she said, when I told her I felt awkward with the silence. I've never really been good with silence, due to my boundaries issues. I really hope that after a while, things will be alright for her and her family.

Yeah, speaking about boundaries issues, now I know I'm at the peak of it. Or am I in the valley? Either one, it means I am struggling with boundaries. One end of it, I want to just be on my own and I can do my stuffs according to the timing I want. On the other end, I hope I can experience kinder and more considerate people. Perhaps I just want some concern from somewhere that is. I am contradicting myself at the moment.

Today's bible verse for reflection:
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Europe Countdown: Day 52 (Part 02)

Just now I attended daily mass in St. Francis Xavier church in PJ. The priest preached with fervor and charisma, I'd say. He said that it's only in moments of weakness that we would come to recognize that God is in control. In fact, God is always in control. So, we need to have a new way of seeing things, and to recognize that we truly need God in moments of weakness, because God is essential to our lives.

Yeah, I have to admit I need Jesus so much right now. Like I said, it's also very hard for me to walk the talk of being Christ-like. My family relationship isn't so great after all. The patience wears thinner than with new people or at work place. It's harder to love when rejections are norm; judgmental and critical statements are usual. It's even more painful to accept that my family members were the only one who don't congratulate me or even know what I will be doing within these coming six months when I have obtained something which will cause a person to "Wow! It's so good to know that. Congratulations!!" Yet, Jesus said, love one another as I have loved you. And forgive, and you shall be forgiven. Only Him can help me now. Indeed, I am in such a need for Him to help me now!

One of my favorite verses was in the gospel reading for today... What is the treasure which you keep inside your heart? What is the direction which you refer to when you make important decisions in life?

Today's bible verse for reflection:
"For wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be too." (Matthew 6:21)

Europe Countdown: Day 52 (Part 01)

I'm home alone in my friend's place now. I've decided against going to PTPTN today because I am not ready and my documents are left in KK. It'd be better if I get things done the next time I return to KL, which probably be a few weeks from now. I can only hope and pray that the flights wouldn't be exorbitant price like this trip.

Today is Friday after Pentecost. Five days after the Church celebrated Pentecost, are we still filled with the Holy Spirit? Personally, I know I have not been courageous in walking the talk about being the follower of Christ. I will try harder from today onward, I pray. And I hope that you guys too will be courageous in proclaiming the Good News of Jesus Christ.

I'll be going out with Kiwi and friends later to snap pictures. Haha. I am using a dummy compact camera while they will be out with gadgets. Oh well, when I have money I shall invest on a DSLR myself. Sigh! Kiwi said his friends are late too, so I'm unsure what time I'll be going out. What a day. I'm sleepy again. I better go grab a nap.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"And he said to them, ' Go into all the world and preach the gospel to the whole creation." (Mark 16:15)

Europe Countdown: Day 53

Wow. Another day had passed. I started the day by eating two delicious-looking half-boiled eggs with toasted wholemeal bread, and cocoa drink. The eggs were prepared by Jennifer (thanks, Jen!). After breakfast, she sent me to Kelana Jaya LRT station, and from there I took LRT to Ampang Point. It was rather amusing that I finally know that my GPS in the phone actually works perfectly when I used it when I came out from Ampang Point LRT station. I walked for about 5 minutes to reach the Embassy of Spain. Rather interesting because this is the 2nd time I went to an embassy (my first time was the Embassy of Malaysia in Seoul). It took me about 15-20 minutes in the embassy to fill in some forms, and I was so relieved (thank God!!!) when Mr. Julian said that it takes about two weeks to get the visa. However, my cert of good conduct and also cert of good health are pending. And also the cert by Ministry of Higher Education too.

After that, my friend, Kiwi picked me up from Kelana Jaya LRT station and went for lunch in this Indian restaurant. Haha. I had a plate of Briyani Bukhara Mutton! Yummy, yummy!!! The best Indian food still has to be sought in West Malaysia... I'm still missing ABC on my list. Had a good laugh in the afternoon when Kiwi brought me along to meet his workmate-friends for a drink. The thought of Bollywood-style pre-wedding videography caused me to erupt into a bout of unstoppable laughs. And it's kinda weird to know that my friend of 8,9 years never heard me laugh out loud like this when we spent time together back then when I used to travel to KL and "passed by their house for a visit". I guess we must have forgotten much of our past, or I change quite a bit within our seven years of not keeping frequent contact.

Oh yeah, I had dinner with my senior Rose and her friend in the Gardens, and I bought a nice 15 European languages phrase book. Essential ones, of course, published by LonelyPlanet. I also purchased Periplus Spanish phrase book. Really felt blessed by so many people these few days. Thank you, dear Lord Jesus!!

I'm pretty tired now. Time to sleep.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"In your prayers do not babble as the gentiles do, for they think that by using many words they will make themselves heard. Do not be like them; your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6:7-8)

Europe Countdown: Day 55

Another day has passed. I am in KL now. There shouldn't be jet lag traveling from East Malaysia to West Malaysia. I should sleep soon, so that I can wake up early later. Well, the plan is this: I am going to Putrajaya using public transport, and there are two places for me to cover in order to settle the three things I'm supposed to do in KL.

As I looked back into the past weeks, I noticed I've been living like a nomad. Why so? Ever since I moved out from the house which I had stayed for 6 years since university days, I had been staying in various places - first I stayed 2 weeks in Irene's house, then three days in the room in Kingfisher, next was 9 days in Kuching at my friend, Vicky's house. Back to the room in KF for 4 days, and here I am in KL for 5 days. I hope I can stay in KK and rest my body a bit. I feel exhausted with all these mental and physical changes all the time. Yet I know, this is unavoidable if I want to get things done.

But God also sent His chosen people into the desert for 40 years before they entered into the Promised Land. Well, come to think of it... It's not that bad to be nomadic. At least I have warm water shower every day since I moved back to KF, even while I'm traveling. Thank and praise God.

There must be a plan... And I believe the plan God has in mind for me is the best.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"You are well aware of the generosity which our Lord Jesus Christ had, that, although he was rich, he became poor for your sake, so that you should become rich through his poverty." (2 Cor 8:9)

Lenten Reflection: Wrestling with God

Currently I'm at Beringgis Resort's main lobby after morning walk at the beach... And I read out loud the readings by the seaside. What a calm, cool and clear morning, listening to peaceful whispers of the ocean!

Here's the reflection I have done of today's 1st reading taken from the book of Jonah, chapter 3, verses 1 to 10....

Everyone has a time when they wrestle with the Lord so that they can do what they think is the best for them. The thing is God doesn't need to wrestle with us, but He will allow us to do what we like, because of the free will He gave us. Yet, there will always be a time when we will realize that what we have chosen is the path we desire. This is not necessarily a path that leads to a full and complete life. And, second chance is always given to us free by God. Again, it's up to whether we want to be obedient this time or still remain stubborn and self-sufficient.

I had my time wrestling with God when it comes to my future planning. I wanted so badly to stay where I am now that I gave up the offer that GIST's professor presented to me in the middle of my internship. If I had taken the route, I'd have gotten my Ph.D by now. Yet, the Lord is once again presenting me with this chance of furthering my studies. Like Jonah who was obedient to the Lord (c.f. Jon 3:2-3), this time I am certain I must go - be it GIST or other places. Not only that I have to give up all that I think I possess here for now, like the king who took off his robe, put on sackcloth and sat down in ashes (c.f. Jon 3:6).

How I wish there is an easy way out of this! How I wish I can retain all these! Yet, I know things will change. The only thing that remains constant is change.

At the same time, I'm wrestling with God about a person... This person knows God too, and me, he knows well. And he refuses to see me, to keep in touch for whatever reason. And when he's like that, I know there is no possibility to see him, except by divine intervention. Yet, I badly want to follow God's timing... When it's time according to His watch, I'm certain God will let us see each other again...

Are You Suffering Too?

Here's what Prophet Jeremiah said in the book of Jeremiah (Jer 30:1-2, 12-15, 18-22) about suffering and God's response...

The word was addressed to Jeremiah by the Lord: The Lord, the God of Israel says this: Write all the words I have spoken to you in a book.

Yes, the Lord says this:

Your wound is incurable,

your injury past healing.

There is no one to care for your sore,

no medicine to make you well again.

All your lovers have forgotten you,

they look for you no more.

Yes, I have struck you as an enemy strikes,

with harsh punishment

(so great is your guilt, so many your sins).

Why bother to complain about your wound?

Your pain is incurable.

So great is your guilt, so many your sins,

that I have done all this to you.

The Lord says this:

Now I will restore the tents of Jacob,

and take pity on his dwellings:

the city shall be rebuilt on its ruins,

the citadel restored on its site.

From them will come thanksgiving

and shouts of joy.

I will make them increase and not diminish them,

make them honoured, and not disdained.

Their sons shall be as once they were,

their community fixed firm in my presence,

and I will punish all their oppressors.

Their prince will be one of their own,

their ruler come from their own people.

I will let him come freely into my presence and he can come close to me;

who else, indeed, would risk his life

by coming close to me? - it is the Lord who speaks.

And you shall be my people and I will be your God.

House Season 4

I haven't written much these days. I didn't think that it matters really to write up things which any other person can write, or things that people don't read. People may not read and comment to me that it's boring, but most people read, and probably gossip and think behind me. It wasn't that much of good experience about people anyway.

I'm pretty much sensitive at the moment due to the Who Am I? Seminar I'm sitting in this weekend. Another electrical jolt on "Who am I?" really. Another arena to explore and inviting God to heal. But this is not what I want to write about.

I just finished watching House M.D. season 4. It is the shortest season, only 16 episodes, but one of the most touching finale. I didn't get to watch the 3rd season's finale so I didn't know how emotionally triggering it was after Foreman left, Cameron resigned and Chase was fired by House. In season four's finale, Amber (Wilson's on-screen girlfriend) died of bus crash because she went out to fetch drunken House home. And House went way out to save Amber's life, went into a seizure after discovering that certain flu meds which Amber took right before the crash caused her definite death as her kidneys were destroyed at the accident. Her body was unable to naturally filter out the chemical in the flu meds.

What really touches me is how frail life is, and what we would do in order to preserve it when we suddenly find ourselves in the position where life is slipping away fast. We're no longer in control of our lives, that's when we would badly want to be in control of any other thing which we could. Young people nowadays, you and I, like routine so much because we are afraid of losing control of the few things which we think we have full knowledge of. Some people would avoid at all cost of not knowing certain facts, certain directions, even God's invitations to know ourselves deeper, just because we're afraid of going through the pain of knowing and losing control of the "wonderful life" we thought we have.

If we really think God is great, and why do we think we are not great? The formula given is "if God is great, then a great God can only create great beings. If we're created by God, and we acknowledge that God is great, then we must be great too." So if anyone who says we're not great, we're not good, then he must be telling us lies. The Scriptures taught us that the devil is the father of lies, so this must be the work the devil that we think we're not as great, or we're just some plain, boring beings.

Young people these days have this issue of not being great, and just being ok is enough, because it is safe. Great things are for others and not for ourselves. Time for us to move toward reclaiming the very fact that we can be great because the God who created us is great, and we are created to be His mirror image.

That's it. House M.D. is just a messed up imaginary images of everybody who is afraid of acknowledging and befriending themselves. That's why everybody likes House M.D. and this medical drama is one of the highest rating series in the States.

Reflection for Blessed Good Friday

Lent Day 38: The Book of James

God says, by faith you are already saved from an eternity without Me. You are justified before Me by faith in My Son, not by living well.

As My child, you will inherit a place in the kingdom, a seat at My table, a dance card for the party. That's My gift to you. It's guaranteed.

When you were justified before Me by faith and guaranteed heaven as My gift, My Spirit made you alive to Me with the life of My Son. He regenerated you. He gave you a new heart, a new and potentially consuming desire to love Me and others at any cost to yourself.

Justification makes you My child.

Regeneration provides the power to live like My child.

And because justification is always accompanied by regeneration, every justified person's way of relating will evidence the presence of divine life though that evidence may be visible only to Me.

When your faith leads to a consuming desire to love Me and others at any cost, when your faith is accompanied by a consistent pattern of good works, your life in this world will not be wasted, and your life in the next world will be uniquely blessed.


(from 66 Love Letters: A Conversation with God that Invites You into His Story by Dr. Larry Crabb, ©2009.)

Last Full Day of Lent 2010

Wednesday, March 31, 2010, Holy Week

Isaiah 50:4-9, Psalm 69:8-10, 21-22, 31, 33-34, Matthew 26:14-25
Link to Readings --> http://www.usccb.org/nab/033110.shtml

THE CELEBRATION

"I am to celebrate the Passover with My disciples in your house." —Matthew 26:18

Jesus states His intention to celebrate the Passover and the whole Paschal mystery in our houses, families, communities, and lives. We must prepare for the celebration of Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil, and the fifty-day Easter season. We prepare by:
* doing what Jesus orders (Mt 26:19),
* letting Jesus open our ears morning after morning (Is 50:4),
* not rebelling against the Lord (Is 50:5),
* suffering for love of Him (see Is 50:6),
* letting zeal for God's house consume us (Ps 69:10),
* praising "the name of God in song" (Ps 69:31).

Today is the last full day of Lent. We pray that our almsgiving, prayer, and fasting have prepared us for the Triduum and the Easter season. Let's bring Lent to a close by repenting of all sins, forgiving all who have hurt us, and giving our lives totally to the Lord. "Let us celebrate the
feast not with the old yeast, that of corruption and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth" (1 Cor 5:8).

Prayer: Father, may my observance of Lent 2010 be what the Holy Spirit wants in these crucial times.

Promise: "See, you lowly ones, and be glad; you who seek God, may your hearts be merry! For the Lord hears the poor, and His own who are in bonds He spurns not." —Ps 69:33-34

Praise: Praise Jesus, Rock of our salvation. "To Him be glory forever" (Rm 11:36).

Lenten Reflection

I had been engaging this particular Lenten Reflection from 66 Love Letters by Dr. Larry Crabb and I find it is an exceptionally good one today.

Lent Day 25: The Book of John

God says, in the world you now inhabit, communion with Me is not defined by an experience of Me. Nor does it depend on blessings from Me.

To really live is to release My Son's life through yours, in any circumstance, no matter what you feel; to relate as He related, giving when no one gives back, loving when no one returns love, forgiving when no one deserves forgiveness, suffering in the place of those who should suffer.

Understand this: to commune with Me in this life is to live like My Son with His life alive in you.

Believe this: communion with Me leads to an eternal experience of Me and unimaginable blessings from Me. You will get a taste of them now—as My Spirit chooses—and you will enjoy the banquet later when you see My Son.

Know this: heaven's reality has invaded yours. Prepare to live a new way.

Real life, the surprising route to joy, is within reach.

(from 66 Love Letters: A Conversation with God that Invites You into His Story by Dr. Larry Crabb, ©2009.)

Messed Up and Confused?

I have to admit that I am rather messed up these few days. Badly lacking of rest for my brain, I started having difficulty to sleep when it is time to sleep and difficulty to wake up when it is time to wake up.

And my emotions... Haha! Erupted like a volcano - wrong time, wrong venue, wrong person. And then, I had to remember the teaching on meekness of Jesus and apologised to the person, though it was only half my fault that emotions eruption occurred. Well, who wouldn't, if being shouted like a child being scolded by an abusive father in a working environment? Talking about professionalism. Maybe I should post an entry on professionalism soon!!

I was so tired mentally that my emotional health, spiritual health and physical health seemed to be giving way. Almost paid deposit for a property which could be troublesome to solve the legal issue. Then suddenly, a voice reminded me what my coach told me before - "Never make any decision when you're down." This is so true, and thank God for the reminder. And always consult God on any decision, big and small ones. He will lead us to the right people, right situation, right time. I finally am appreciating the amount of professional friends I have around me, with a sound mind, wise judgement. Definitely better than my "dumb bimbo" mind on certain areas. Thank and praise God for the gift of friendship!

I guess everybody has a "dumb bimbo" area and it is ALRIGHT to be. Well, that's how and why we need different people in our lives. Like how the Body of Christ consists of different members with different giftings.

"Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a part of it."

~ 1 Corinthians 12:27 ~

Time to go home. It is almost 5pm. It was a long day outside of the comfort of airconded environment. Phew! Hope the puppies will cheer me up more.

Guard Your Hearts

There is a light shining through in my terms with darkness, and these two verses reflects exactly why the light shines through:

"Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
~ Philippians 4: 6-7 ~

There is this man whom I was attracted to for the past few months, whom I was waiting for to return, and there are these friends who advised me to let him know that I was waiting for a certain period of time. I wasn't sure of this urging from them, but after praying and asked for His guidance, I decided to let him know I'm indeed waiting for him because of how I've been attracted to him. It wouldn't hurt to take that risk, because either way, I would lose him, since I had made it clear to myself I would stop waiting if he doesn't come back on the particular date I have set for myself. I'd rather be in knowing position than not knowing.

And in his responsible, clear and honouring manner, he responded to my "information" via our only channel of communication. In a very respectful manner, I was told the feelings are not mutual. For once, I'm not embarrassed nor ashamed to share with you who read my blog about this, because this is a part of me whom you have to know. I am saddened by this loss of hope in forming a lasting relationship with him, but my heart is guarded and there was no anger nor disappointment against this brother in Christ. He, too, has guarded my heart in our friendship with each other.

What more, I have to thank God for allowing me this opportunity to experience such a friendship with a man who respects me as an individual, honours me as a lady and loves me as a sister. I can be certain and assured of this. And it is very responsible for him to let me know and stated very clearly his decision without leaving any empty space in between.

How many men would leave some empty spaces so that if any other relationship they have with other women doesn't work out, they would still have a "spare tyre" who may be waiting for them? Definitely more than this rare case of godly man.

Though I'm sad because I've been rejected, but I feel thankful that I finally met a responsible man who rejects my feelings of admiration for him in a way which honours and respects me. And our friendship still stands valid. God is our Witness in Heaven for sure. I trust that God knows what I need best and not what I desire most. If my desires match His designated plan for me, they will be granted. If it is not good for me, I know He will protect me from all harms and dangers. That is my God. By His grace, I will be healed. I shall take my time to mourn over my loss. It is important that I do, because this knowledge is also a liberation for me. Thank You, Lord God.

When Things Are Difficult...

What do you do when things become difficult?

I'm no saint, it is obvious. And I'm human, even more obvious. Definitely I'm not a bot which operates the laptop and starts writing long entry for blogs. Hence, I have emotions and sometimes, uncontrollable, because of the events occurring in my life. So what can I do about it?

I have choices. I can choose to sweep it under carpet (which many people do) and pretend I'm alright all the time. Or I can choose to display it and scare people off. Or I can keep to myself and simmer it like a pot of stew. I can also choose to get away from situations and keep to myself and safe people around me. Or I can choose to tell it out to safe friend and get healed with their support.

Some people choose to pretend they are alright when they are not. This is the way of the world, telling others they are alright when things are messed up in their own lives. By living a life of plasticity, maybe others will think they are fine and well off in whatever they are doing. However, when deep inside is badly messed up, one is not whole, nor complete.

Will you fast according to the Law or will you do what is according to God? Will you choose the way of God instead of the way of the world? Again and again, books and articles often quote Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of yours minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God -- what is good and acceptable and perfect." This is a reminder from Apostle Paul about the difference between God's way and the way of the world. Which one will eventually be our choice? God gave us freewill to choose. Are we going to choose wisely?

Today's reading from Isaiah struck me at these verses:

"Is not this the sort of fast that pleases me: to break unjust fetters, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break all yokes? Is it not sharing your food with the hungry, and sheltering the homeless poor; if you see someone lacking clothes, to clothe him, and not turn away from your own kin? Then your light will blaze out like the dawn and your wound be quickly healed over."
~ Isaiah 58:6-8 ~

I have to admit, I'm no saint. Last night I had a terrible time on the phone with my mom. Not verbally, but inside my heart, I died of multiple hurts and abandonment. There was anger, and I never wanted to talk about it. This reading struck me like lightning rod. I called her back today. Told a white lie, but she feels good. I died, but He will raise me up. What I'm left is the hope I place in Him, because He knows best all that I'm going through. Yes, I'm no saint. But I know God calls me to be holy as how He is holy (cf. 1 Peter 1:16).

So whoever you are, judge not and you will not be judged.

Boyfriends on Sales in Shopping Mall

In conjunction with the recent Valentine's Day and my conversation with a friend on FB, hence the post.

Many people may think that I'm attached to some guy out there, and even if I tried to explain in lengthy details that I am NOT attached but AM very single, nobody ever really believed me. Perhaps that explains why no man ever approaches me romantically for fear for hearing, "Sorry, I'm not interested." or "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." from me. This is funny, but it is true that males do have issues with the word "NO" most of the times. However, I also have to admit that females also have the similar issue with the word "NO".

Back to my topic of the day. My friend was telling me to go and find a boyfriend, which leads me to think and review my life as a single, working young adult. Throughout my teenage years and these few years working, of course I have met some interesting male characters who stayed in my life for a while as a faithful male companion, and I did take interest in them at that time. However, somehow, it didn't work out. The recent male companion decided to go abroad rather suddenly, and now I'm in the mode of waiting until the end of March.

Many people think it is important to have a relationship and then move on to marriage, etc. Well, I think so, too, no matter how strong from outside I look like. However, another thing which I love and find it important at this moment, is to be really single and embrace singlehood properly before being in a relationship. This is probably my weakest link at the moment, but I am learning to embrace singlehood and enjoying every moment of being single.

As for being available for relationship, I have to admit sincerely that I would like to be truly available, but I'm not exactly there yet. But if the right man comes and approaches me, I trust that the Holy Spirit will stir me from within and a sense of peace and security will come unto us to trust each other and to want to know each other deeper and better.

As for now, I truly believe that I have to be complete in Christ Jesus. I desire to be complete in Him and I pray my future spouse will also be a man after God's own heart who is also complete in Christ. When there is a secure relationship independently with God, two persons will be drawn nearer to each other. That's the concept. And I believe that the "he" who really is interested in me will approach me when it is the right time.

As for the boyfriends on sale in shopping mall theory, I guess I don't quite get it. I trust that boyfriend/spouse is a gift from God and I have to know the Giver properly and completely before I can enjoy the gift without turning my back against the Giver. Like what struck me in today's first reading:

"But if your heart turns away, if you refuse to listen, if you let yourself be drawn into worshiping other gods and serving them, I tell you today, you will most certainly perish; you will not live for long in the country which you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess."
~ Deuteronomy 30:17-18 ~

It is important that we know our God and set our hearts on this God who loves us so much that He sent His only Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, to save us by death on the cross. If we are not cautious about this and we don't take heed from the Word of God, we will end up worshiping the very gifts that God gives to us in order to fulfill His plan in our lives. Then the good plan will take a longer time to be fulfilled and our lives may probably have more disastrous issues than we want. So we must always remember God in all that we do, and put Him first in our hearts. One of my favourite verses is:

"Take delight in the Lord alone, and He will give the desires of your heart."
~ Psalm 37:4 ~

Yet, we must also remember that God, in His mercy and by His grace, knows what we need most and will give us what we desire and is good for us, but not what we desire which is bad for us. He definitely will be in terror if we ask for a person whom He knows will be abusive to us in future. Or we ask for a car which He knows will eventually cause a terrible accident and maim us for life. No father on earth would do that, so our Father in heaven will even more not do that. Therefore, we must first learn to find delight in Him first and allow Him to take His time to give us what's the "bestest" for us!

So, come what may!