The Time of the Year Again...

A day to the last day of July, and my heart is crushed to ashes. Will it ever be healed? Will I ever have the courage to be close to people again? I tried to trust, and I trusted fully. Yet, the friendship was heading to doom right from the start. I thought maybe if we give it a try by compromising and tolerating each other, perhaps this friendship can be saved. After all, we had nothing to lose by trying.

To YOU: 

After countless visits, two musicals, two oversea trips with friends, a movie, endless chats, I still have to prepare my heart to let you go, because I have defined you as my close friend and now you want to walk away because you don't want to be fit into my definition of close friends. I read it as "if I am me, then I am not good enough to be close to you". Yet I know, this will take me a long time, because our memories aren't written in carbon, so I can't just erase it. Nor were they saved in some *.docx files, which I can press "delete" and they will be gone forever. Everyone else was worried that I'll burn myself, but I trusted you that you wouldn't be like every other friend I had who would leave me because I am me.

From ME.

Right now, I'm indeed in the darkest time of my life. A person whom I thought know me well enough told me that he'd walk away from me just because of my definition of close friend and he doesn't want to be defined as my close friend. A bleak future because I have no job opportunity anywhere and scholarship for Ph.D. in Cambridge doesn't seem to have any news. My masters is completed, and I have another two weeks before I have to evacuate from this room, with no plans ahead. My mother had been asking me for the past two years if I have a boyfriend, and NO, I don't have and nobody is pursuing me, so going home will be a pain. Everyone else is married and attached and seems to know what they want in life, while I am just lagging behind, knowing I want to get another degree because I have no commitment, no one who is looking forward to have me closer, no one wants to be with me.

Perhaps, it is time for me to admit... Yes, I am single, and perhaps, desperate. I just want someone who would care if I had eaten, or where I have been, or what do I want to do, or how do I feel this morning, or just any little detail which doesn't seem to matter to anybody really. Someone who would care to listen when I'm being defiant and destructive like Stitch. Someone who would hold on to me when I can't hold myself together because I am sucked into the whirl of depression or confusion. Someone who would appreciate me for being me, and would do anything he could to stop me from evolving into someone I'm not just to please others or himself. Someone who would tell me it's okay to be sad because we have to be apart from each other and would comfort me even from afar. Someone who allows me to share my deepest desires and darkest thoughts, and lets me talk about God and spiritual stuffs without telling me it is too deep for him to handle. Someone who would compliment me even when I am at my worst self, and complement me by being the sunshine and rainbow when I'm not. I promise I will try to be the same for this someone too.

I bawled my heart out to God just now because of the text message which crushed me. If not because of Jesus, I guess I'd have died a thousand times. I know eventually I will be alright, even though I can't see how I can carry on living right now. No plans, no future, nothing. Even if I made mistakes, I know God doesn't. There is a reason for every season.

I guess many people pretend they are okay when they are not. The society forms the pressure of needing to be at our best and people are only accepted when they are "normal" according to the world. I am not okay, so it's best for me to get away from the world and into my own tiny comfort zone. Can I just run away to a place where I can be me? I ran away thousands of miles from home so that I can find me. I found me, but I am still rejected for being me. Is being me such a horrible crime?

Some Pensive Reflections About Myself...

As the night ages on, the emotions tend to be stronger. That's why, when it comes to sharing inner thoughts, heart talks, feelings, night time is the best. At least it is for me. I'm a WOMAN, so I CAN sit and talk all day. This has a lot to do with my major love language, which is SPENDING TIME..

(Source: http://1catholicsalmon.com/2012/03/02/sharing/)

I've followed Pray More Novenas for exactly a year now. I started with the novena to St. Anne, who is known to intercede for those who are looking for spouse. Norah, my friend's mother, introduced this website to a few of us who used to hang out at her place in Cordoba, Spain. The annual cycle has completed and this is the second round of novena to St. Anne for me. Many times, I wonder if the Mr. Right would ever appear, but I know that giving up is a cowardly act too. Even if he doesn't come, I'm fine being single. Yes, perhaps more often than not, having meals alone can be daunting, especially when I feel like having dinner at some posh-looking restaurants. I do have tendency to buy takeaways rather than having meals outside because it is odd to go alone. On the other hand, I do enjoy dining alone in the restaurants once in a while. It's something I picked up over the years, to be less self-conscious of some nosy waiters and staring eyes of fellow diners. It's not a crime to have meals alone.

These days, as I continue discovering myself, I do find that I am a picky girl indeed. Besides nobody took the challenge in approaching me, I did some selections subconsciously too. Haha. Which girl doesn't, right? This is a personal reflection which I wrote on my private blog: I am fully aware that the man God has for me would not need me to prove my worth. He would find me as I am, and he will know I'm the princess of God whom He has prepared for him and I, too, would find him adequately matching me in all things. This may sound like fairy tale to all who hear, but to me, it matters most. A God-centered relationship is a relationship which will last a lifetime. I trust that God will prepare him well, and myself too, to complement each other in all things.

A Tale as Old as Time, featuring Penelope Cruz

(Source: http://www.marieclaire.co.uk)

This will be the first time that I'm revealing the list of criteria which I had prayed before some years back. Nobody will fit 100%, but God knows who will have the capacity to achieve them...

I wouldn't mind if he's not a Catholic, but I do hope he can accept me being a Catholic whose spirituality is more towards charismatics. Physiques is a plus, but I'm not anywhere close to slim or hot. Furthermore, external looks do fade away as time passes by. And oh... I'm trying to live by the teachings of the Church, which means no pre-marital sex, no abortion, no divorce, etc. So, if it is you God is calling to take the challenge to complement me in life, take note of this, whoever you may be. Besides that, there's this issue which requires some physical and mental strength...

(Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-A-Wall-Around-My-Heart/1228180)

Well, yeah. This is me. The hopelessly romantic me who tends to write emo-stuffs at night :)

Nutella Brownies

It's one of the hidden secret of mine. Yes, despite being geeky and enjoying a great deal my love for technology gadgets, my research and my travels, I discover I do have a flare in cooking and baking and being house-wife-ish. I found this recipe on Facebook some time ago, and had been thinking of materialising it, and see if it really works. My ex-student told me she did it before and it worked fine. And so, I gave it a try.. I can't say if it's gonna be awesome, still cooling down but the smell and look seems alright. Perhaps a touch of fresh cream would add to the flavour? This is the third day after I've submitted my dissertation. I shall get started with the preparation of my presentation. Not exactly a viva voce but it is a conclusion of my 6-month research.

Just an update: Finally it has cooled down quite a bit, and I checked if it's cooked. Yeah, it is, but it's definitely un-fluffy. Perhaps next time I should use self-raising flour instead? That'll be ages to come. I gotta finish the bag of flour I have here before I move out mid of next month. I adorned my Nutella brownies with some fresh cream on the side. It's not very sweet, so it's alright to eat with the cream.

The Eve of Submission

Hahaha...

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel right now. I'm sure some of you would have been my tear and sweat-bearers, comforting me, supporting me when I went all crazy and stressed out with my writing up, which is, by the way, not done yet. I have around 12 hours to getting ready to meet my supervisor to go through it before I get it printed. My bad, I should have been more focused. Like what I shared with someone, I was disillusioned. Everything became blurry and I didn't know what I was doing. I'm glad to have encountered this person, and eventually, by the grace of God, found my way back. Though I spent many days in confusion, heart palpitation and disillusion (I know it doesn't make sense, but they rhymed, ok!), I think the ever-thriving-in-stressful-situations me is officially back for the next 12 to 15 hours.

Two years of moving around Europe for my Erasmus Mundus Masters Course, and it's all coming to an end when I click "Upload" and "Submit" tomorrow. What have I been doing?? At the back of my mind, one word popped up: TRAVELLING.

I shall leave the tale open-ended for another day.

Back to my Blood.Sweat.Tears and... (NOT) Coffee.

Ancient Pillow

I guess at one point of our lives, especially when we were young, there would be an existence of a pillow. The special one which no one can touch. The one you sniffed. Haha. I've not outgrown that though my mom threw the original one away while I was at school. I eventually adopted another, and another. This one is the one which accompanied me all through my adulthood so far. Sadly, its stomach burst open a week ago. Being allegedly busy with my dissertation, I slept every night with the knowledge that I might wake up covered with ancient cotton though I do have the pillow cover as protection. I just can't take it anymore I guess. Waking up at 4 plus and getting ready by 5 plus, all freshed and breakfasted, I wanted to set to work on dissertation. I saw my poor poor ancient one with its guts half-spilled in the pillow cover. I just had to fix it, despite my "nightmare before Christmas" sewing skills. At least its guts are back into the body and I have a peace of mind about sleeping with the pillow. I wouldn't want to have an ancient fur ball in my nose or mouth cavity!

However,  I'd have to tell my future partner this:
Dear whoever you may be,

Please dont expect me to be a traditional woman my mom (and your mom) is. I'd send all your torn-at-the-wrong-place shirts to the dustbin, your torn pants and shirts to the tailor or use a sewing machine. I can sew back a button & do cross stitch for fun, but not using my Form 3 Home Economics sewing skills to embarrass you (and me) in front of your colleagues and friends. I can cook you meals, if you wash the dishes and throw away the garbage. But don't expect restaurant-style, chef-level menu. That's probably what you might expect from a forensic geneticist cum future biological anthropologist can do for you. I might improve. We'll never know. And oh... I'd need a washing machine too.

Oh well... another 45mins the library would be opened. Today isn't a day to work at home. Ha ha ha!

Life is... Love is.... Wonders of My Mind.

The titles were the three old blogspot blogs which I've closed down. I'm supposed to either sleep or write my dissertation, I know, but I'm doing neither right now. Back to the blogs.. I sort of read through what I wrote, especially about the past pseudo relationship I had with this one guy some years ago back in 2005/06. I thank God that we didn't work out though I was very hurt back then. What I wrote was absolutely idiotic! What in the world was I thinking????!!! Thank God nothing really happened between us. I guess everyone went through the period when we go gaga over some unworthy individuals who treated us like thrash. Ok, maybe not everyone. Some end up marrying them and be unhappy spouse. Some chose to divorce them. Some stayed because they have no where to go. As for me, I thank God I'm where I am right now. It'd have been crazy if God didn't intervene. I met Jesus right before I told myself I had enough and slowly though painfully, we drifted away from each other. I'll wait for the him to appear. By then, probably I'll know and I guess he'll know too if we are meant to build a life together. For now, my own journey continues. Yeah, live the life of a dreamy wanderer, running after the God who aligns my desires to His mission for me :)

My Idea of Romantic

This post is inspired by someone whom I chatted with this morning... I have no idea how the issue of being a romantic came into our conversation. But, here's what I have to say...

My idea of what romantic is all about... Being mooneyed for someone not based on their looks but based on who they truly are. These days, many of my friends are getting hitched and starting new relationships. Being the one single lady wandering around searching for what God has in mind for her ain't that special anymore. Friends are highly compassionate, always telling me that the one would eventually appear. Being here in European grounds, they are encouraging me to find an "ang moh" instead, then I can have cute babies. However, despite what they said in effort to comfort me, I do think that unless this someone could appreciate me despite my "beast" appearance and still love me, there's no way one would draw near. Sometimes I wonder, do I have what it takes to build a relationship? Of course, when I wonder out loud, my friends will answer YES. Such kind friends I have!!

If you are one of my compassionate friends, then pray for me that the one God has in mind for me, He'll prepare him well to be a man after His own heart. A man who loves God will love who God places in his life. This is what I believe in. And pray for myself too, that I can be a woman after His own heart, and be trained to be the helper to the man in all areas of his life, while being who I am called to be.

Three Weddings

This is the wedding post!! I've done a couple of wedding posts previously, about a friend's wedding, marriage proposal, wedding bouquets, and wedding montage! And some other related wedding posts which don't seem relevant here. Oh well, I don't even know whose wedding montage it was. Should be something I grabbed from Youtube because my friend shared it with us back then when she was prepping her wedding.

Let's see, I've been asked on when I would be back since early this year because this year seems to be a season to be married or to start a new relationship!! Haha. Minus me of course. Let's see, I missed at least three weddings, or maybe four (or five?) since September 2012 when I flew off to UK. I got three unofficial wedding invitations right now waiting for me to decide if I can make it... I have Amy's wedding on 31 Aug in KL, Sharon's wedding reception on 21 Sep in Singapore and Jess/Ray's wedding on 28 Sep in KK. At least I have successfully attended ONE wedding - Gosia/Tomek's wedding in Tarnow, Poland (Photo below).

Ohhh... I'm so excited for all of you!!! I wish I could be nearer to share the fun of prepping, and help to de-stress the bride-to-be. But God is in control of my life, and yours. So, chillax when you get cranky with all these details you have to face.

There might be fear, worries of tomorrow, and family pressure. Just be YOU, dears. You gonna do alright. What matters most is the moment when you walk down the aisle and knowing you're going to marry the right man. Whatever else, dump it aside. So, the best thing to do is to spend tonnes of time with the utimate GUY up there. God will open doors He has planned for you, and He will close those which are not good. So, since God has opened the door for both you and your him, He will make sure you walk down the aisle, dazzling with joy.

One thing which many brides overlooked is caring for your skin prior to your weddings. You may be on diet, working out, learning up your first dance, choosing the right music for wedding reception and mass, dress-fitting, guest list and table arrangement, flowers, manicure, pre-wedding photo shooting, wedding gifts, house decoration, renovation of your parents' houses, beddings, honeymoons, shoes, etc. You name it, and it is there! But one biggie you might miss out is REST. Yes, a pretty bride is a bride whose complexion is good, so that the makeup (which will be thicker) will be one with your face, and not like a "V for Vendetta" mask. So, get lots of sleep and beauty treatment. Over-caring for skin may not be a good thing, so DON'T sleep with your hydration mask on. If you do have some extra cash, go to a beautician, get advice and do monthly treatment. There are still around two months for you to get all that done. And oh... Bring the groom-to-be for skin treatment too. They are as stressed out as you are. So a proper massage or a facial won't kill their masculinity!

Remember, you DO have a maid of honor, and your family to fall back to. So don't be shy to get them to help you with things. I know we, girls, want this special (extra special) day to be extremely perfect. My married friends would say, no matter how you tried, it'll never  be perfect. And they would laugh at all the hiccups during the wedding. But just be sure you don't get Patrick Demsey-ish version of MoH or you might end up a runaway bride.

I've Come So Far...

And giving up is no longer an option.

The moment I said yes to the Erasmus Mundus scholarship offer, it is already the plan that I'd complete my studies end of this month. Here it is, the final few days of tension and that's the end of it. Perhaps deep down inside me, I didn't want it to end, that's why I didn't want to complete the dissertation. No will, no way. That's why there's a saying, "Where there's a will, there's a way".

Maybe, I fear the unknown, uncharted future lying ahead of me. I thought I was going to Cambridge for my Ph.D, all seemed so planned - the timing at least, when the scholarship which I applied to informed that the results would only be out in September. But... But... The offer for Ph.D. would start on 1st October. Ermm... If they only inform me in mid-September that they are willing to sponsor me, would I have time to apply for a student visa within two weeks? And to find accommodation?! The only option is to defer to the next term (January 2014), and be fattened up for three months in Malaysia (like I'm not fat enough now). Ok, that's not the point... The point is... uncharted waters means there would be possible sharks in it, possible dolphins too. Oh yeah, I like dolphins. Again, I'm missing the points. I'm just... scared.

According to what I know, there are at least 365 phrases of "Be Not Afraid" in the Bible, one for each day. I just need to trust. Yeah, just trust that if God brings me to this, He'd open the doors hindering it. Nothing to lose to go home. Who knows, something interesting is there. And yeah, singing with the English Choir for Christmas once again would be awesome. Thank God I left my files and all with my friend in Kota Kinabalu. That's something to look forward.

Ok, I missed the whole point of my title for this entry. I should try to finish up my dissertation because I CHOSE TO DO THIS MASTERS! End of discussion. LOL!

I Knew You Were Trouble

As I sink deeper into my dissertation stress, I needed some distractions, and my close friend, Josephine, really welcomes me to talk to her and be amazed at what God revealed to me as I spoke. I, for one, need to spend time with the people who matter to me. Rare love language, and tough challenge for me. But thank God, Jo speaks my language as well. That's why she's one of my inner circle of friends whom I share my "adventures" with.

We discussed about something which eventually turned out to be something I refused to admit but because of the discussion, it was revealed. EEEKKKS! Yeah, I know that would be trouble (in good sense) eventually. Haha. I hated her for a second just because she spelled it out loud and clear for me to hear, but because I love her even more, so that one second became a laughing point. She said right now I couldn't see it, but years from now, I'd be thankful. Well, we shall see...

We were laughing over the Taylor Swift's I Knew You Were Trouble song (the chorus part), and it was crazy for me. Oh well, girls' talk is always fun when I'm so stressed out with my dissertation. I know I'm rambling here and probably nobody would understand why all these were amusing. Obviously because I didn't share the gist of it. Not in this blog post for me. Maybe... in future. If the trouble becomes a blessing instead.

Success is NOT Everything

'Twas back in 2005 that I learned that success IS NOT everything in life. For years and years I lived (or tried to live) up to my parents' expectations, always with a need to be successful in everything I did. I became very critical with myself, in fact, even up to now I have the tendency to be critical. My mother expected me to perform well in school, always with indication that my schoolmates were better than I was in studies. It was like a rat race, student version, in an all girls' school which was already the top three schools in my hometown many years ago (and still is the top three now!). THAT, of course, occurred because I didn't want to be in some other class besides the one I was already allocated on the first day of my secondary school based on entrance exam. Yeah, even though we were accepted to the school, we had entrance exam for class streaming. So, I was placed with a bunch of super girls, excellent in all areas. We had quite a few all rounders all gathered in the same class from different primary schools. Imagine that. And yeah, the constant worry of our average exam scores and positions in class. Even a 0.5% would cause us to have a shift of positions. Bleeekkkkk... I wonder how I got by THAT. Ugh.

Life in university was generally awesome. I met some nice people. There were heartbreaks, backstabs, whatever. But I lived through it too. And oh... someone asked me that very question which caused me to think... "If the whole achievement in your studies so far were to be taken away from you, what would you be left with?" I was speechless.

I guess that's when God started working with me more. Like how aurora borealis in Iceland would tend to have increased activities during certain seasons, certain years, the same with me. And indeed, I learned, if all were to be taken away from me, I am still left with God.

Now in the last few days of submitting my dissertation, and I'm nowhere near the end, I had a good sleep from 5 am to 10 am, yet I woke up still feeling dizzy and stressed, despite the extension given to me. I'd have to work through it somehow. Instead of keeping the stress... I took an hour plus to just read daily Scriptures, wash my face and DO a clay mask to chill and clean my face, blog a little. And yes, time to get back to work.

All will be well, this I believe. I just need to try my best, and God will do the rest.

Married Couples Should Grow Old Together

I'm ever so touched by UP!! Someone shared this video on Facebook, and I think it is good that this can go onto my blog too...


This is the kind of married life one would desire to have, or at least, for me - the one where both grow old together, hang onto each other even in the darkest times, form dreams together, yet achieve personal growth in his and her own spaces, support each other no matter what, being each other's best friend. Till death do us part.

Yeah, I want someone whom I can grow old with, not some random Mr. A, B or C who would come, break my heart, and leave. Haha. My dream is to marry someone who can be my best friend... Haha!

Frozen in Time

Currently, I should be writing my dissertation, not blogging. Yet, I felt the need to share something which is close to me heart right now, this time, in a open space, rather than my usual fix of private blog. In fact, these are areas which I greatly need any form of prayers...

Soon, this will be what's happening. My tenancy ends on 14th August, so I will be leaving Lincoln into the unknown. This has been bugging me for a while, but only today I've decided to seek for some advice from a friend. I was touched that Nelda would love to help me but they are currently refurbishing their home so there would not be storage space to help me. Their previous acts of kindness towards me and their thoughts of helping me are enough to assure me that I am loved by them. I wish I could return their kindness one day for all the love shared by both Nelda and her husband Mike. I truly appreciate their friendship, not just because of their acts of love to me, but because they are both very inspiring people, motivating me to one day open my house to friends who need a temporary shelter. When I have a home and a willing partner who shares the same direction with me of course. Nelda told me I could find storage space in Cambridge while waiting for the outcome of my scholarship application and see if it would work out.

Then comes the next big thing in my life which is currently unknown (and I trust this part is safe in God's hand). I have indeed nothing to lose, since I had nothing to begin with. Nothing much to lose out if I don't get it, and everything which comes will be a blessing from God in my life. I'm planning to further my Ph.D. education in University of Cambridge, if it is according to God's plan for me in my life. I have officially accepted the offer to continue my education there, but I have yet received any scholarship which would fund my education for the next three years, and I won't be able to pay for it myself. It would sum up to around £100K for the three years there. Yes, prestigious university with a high price to pay - both physical money, and the mental challenge - to get a "P"ermanent "h"ead "D"amage. This is my passion, locked within my heart ever since the moment I stepped into University Malaysia Sabah for the first time to get my very first tertiary education degree - BSc. (Honours) in Biotechnology.

Only God knows how shattering it was for me when I had to discontinue my attempt for MSc. back then, and how I was humbled by that traumatic experience. Yet, I know that my relationship with Jesus started off because I had nothing else to lose back then when I went to Bundu Tuhan to experience Him with the rest of the Lifeline College Students and Young Adults Ministry of Sacred Heart Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. It was a turning point in my life, when all things changed and Jesus truly came into the picture. The guy whom I was interested and seemed interested in me quickly sensed His presence in my life and how it frustrated the relationship back then. He eventually married someone else. Right now, looking back, even my heart was absolutely broken, I thank God that He took away all that weren't in His plan for me. I could have been married and unhappy, than now, single and seeking the path which is aligning my desires with God's plan for me.

Right now, I'm training the dragon of my dissertation. No more trying to slay the dragon. Finally, after writing this out, I'm gaining momentum of the writing. I know I'm way too far behind if I were to compare with my fellow coursemates who are awesome scientists already when I first met them, be it now we're on talking terms or not. I'm always trailing behind them, wishing I could have the motivation and the energy they portrayed. In fact, I learned a lot for each and every of them, and since we're completing our masters officially in few weeks' time, I sincerely wish them all the best in their future undertakings and thanks for being there when I was difficult. It is my pleasure to have met all of you! Till our paths cross again, I shall miss you all, especially the ones currently based in Spain and Portugal.

Erasmus Mundus Masters in Forensic Science Cohort No.1, 2011-2013.

Front: Georsophila lolipogaster aka George aka Jorge

2nd row: Victor the Great aka Cachi, Haider mi abuelito, Isaac mi mejor amigo

3rd row: Smart and laidback Sammy, la presidente Lia Vania Dewi aka Audrey, Dorothy, Juvi, Dewy, the pretty and sophisticated and smart clinical pharmacist Mia, my ex-roomie cum awesome biologist Suzana aka Sue, smartie Umair who would never cease arguing with Sammy all the time, seriously calming CSI Jonathan, my first ever EM friend who is serious yet fun to be with, Eliza aka the vice president, and me

Last row: the very tall and gentle Jamal who introduced the "chop my money" dance

Okay, it's time for me to get back to the one real thing in my life. The answer to my prayers indeed (minus the backbreaking writing up marathon these coming few days)... I shall hold on to God for now, I have nothing else to lose anyway...

Zombied Dragon Slayer? Maybe Trainer.

I thought I am this...

Maybe I am this...

But actually I am this...

My brains stopped functioning at 3pm, and now it is 4am. I thought I had three days. Now I have two full days. I'm definitely crazy. For once, I think I took stupid risk. It's dissertation submission deadline I'm talking about. I'm going to try sleeping. May the zombied me be sober in the morning. 

Walking the Talk

These days I've been reading an interesting blog while dealing with the mounting dissertation stress which freezes me completely. It's an interesting read as I find him a mirror image of me. This is for the first time in my life that I'm acknowledging that there's a person out there who's the male version of Cindy. I feel it when I read the criteria of his future spouse. I have my own version which is so similar to his that I felt spooky reading it, unable to believe that this could be true. So I'm not crazy setting such criteria for my future spouse :) That's a comfort definitely.

I posted a comment to him that a heart that seeks God is never a lonely heart... and I'd rather be a fool for God than to end up with broken marriage or a wrong guy beside me by praying for my him. Indeed, these few days I've started my prayers for a godly husband once again after a few years of abandoning the hope of ever getting one, despite my doubt if I would ever find my him. In the depths of doubts, I choose to hold on to Him even when I can't feel him.

I'd need to walk the talk of godliness. For every criterion I have for my future spouse, I too should be able to fulfill the criterion myself. My first criterion is a man after God's own heart. So, the first thing to do on my part is to seek God once again. This morning, I hope I could appreciate Jesus the way Kari Jobe sang "What Love is This" and my relationship with Jesus can once again flourish. Indeed, of all the things in the world, I'd rather be a fool for Christ for it brings joy to my life.

Jeremiah 29:11

Two years and two months ago, upon discernment and rather careful planning, plus a "YES" to God to venture into uncharted waters, I resigned from a rather stable 5-day job and bade goodbye to teaching career upon completion of the 3-month notice. It was a strange day where nobody seemed to care. Yet, I knew I was doing exactly what I was called to do, and going to exactly where I was called to go.

It was a miracle when a month after the scholarship results was out and I was on reserved list (which literally means, "with sincere apologies we would like to inform you that you are not selected to be in our scholarship program) that I was offered that very scholarship again. I could only attribute this miracle to God and His plans for me. I was on a roller coaster when I said the second yes.

The first yes was to attend World Youth Day in Madrid, Spain, when I didn't even have financial means to pay for my flights nor registration fees. The second yes was to accept the scholarship and stayed back in Spain rather than to fly back. It would be a brand new chapter in my life. Two sides of the same coin - adventurous and scary at the same time.

I'm a planner by nature, so I've decided that I should travel a bit before the studies commenced. To end the chapter of a working young adult and jump into the chapter of a mature student. By April 2011, I had almost everything worked out - where I would go after WYD, where to leave my 25 kg luggage (all that I could bring for my two-year or more stay in Europe), transportation and accommodations during the Eurotrip, etc. I got really good bargain for my Rome accommodation, and managed to visit a fellow Couchsurfer in his family home in Crailsheim, Germany, and my two South Korean friends in Freiburg. So my journey started on 9th August 2011 when I left Malaysia (with the rest of the WYD team) until further notice.

Upon arrival to Madrid, I took the train down to Cordoba and met with the flatmate of the CSer who housed my luggage for a whole month while I traveled with my Deuter 45L backpack. From Cordoba, I took a bus to La Linea and met up with the group and walked over to Gibraltar where we spent almost a week there for the pre-WYD event. It was spiritually awakening indeed. From Gibraltar, we all took a bus back to super hot Madrid for WYD and yeah, I met Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI in Madrid during the weekend. After WYD ended, I bade goodbye to my church friends and started the solo travel to Barcelona on overnight bus. I arrived very early in the morning, took a train to Manresa and walked to the monastery where I stayed for three nights. I was blessed with the presence of an American Vietnamese priest, Fr. Tri Dinh, who guided me on personal retreat for a day. I never knew that the La Cueva was where St. Ignatius of Loyola stayed and wrote the Spiritual Exercises until I arrived and was given basic information of the monastery. So, for three nights I spent in silence getting enough rest, and be amazed by the love of God. After recharging myself, I met up my old classmate and her friend in Barcelona for two days to catch up and walked around the city of Gaudi. From Barcelona, I flew to Rome and spent four amazing days there. From Rome, I flew to Basel and took a train to Germany. Finally, I returned to Basel after about 5 days in Germany to fly to Spain again - to start my studies.

I'm on Erasmus Mundus Masters Course (EMMC) Scholarship, so every semester I moved to another country where my host university is. September 2011 we started in Madrid, by February 2012 we moved to Lisbon. I went back to Malaysia for the summer, spending about 3 weeks in West Malaysia and the other three in East Malaysia, and attended a close friend's wedding in Kota Kinabalu before I flew back to our 3rd country - the UK - in September 2012. I'm blessed with the opportunity to work on a project here in the UK so I'm here for the whole academic year. By November 2012, I started making enquiries about PhD vacancies. I know I have to get a PhD anywhere before I return to my homeland to start contributing again to the society, or anywhere God leads me to. Out of all the applications and enquiries, only Cambridge is all the way with positive answers...

Currently, I am shy of the financial assistance. I'm almost there, just the money which is stopping me from telling everyone that I'm going to Cambridge for PhD in October. It all got very exciting when Fitzwilliam College added me to the FB graduate group and started knowing who are the ones who would be in the same college as I do, and reading about the traditions of Cambridge. Yet, I'm right now in the 2nd phase of consideration for a scholarship which may fund my 3-year studies. I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm scared. I'm just being human. Yet I know, I have done all I could. I had completed the documentation they needed, and emailed them right before I started writing this entry. Now, only God is left. If it is His will that I will receive some Cambridge education, there I will be, just on time, not a day early, not a day late.

As much as me being a stubborn mule, this time, may God's will be done in my life. For I know that His plans are greater than mine, more intricate and better than what I have in mind. And all His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me (c.f. Jer 29:11).

Selfies with my Lappy and Mobile

Photo from my Samsung Galaxy S3 front camera

Photo from my Samsung Series 3 NP370R5E

Obviously the phone camera's quality is better than the lappy's. But yeah, good enough for Skype I guess :) So far we've skyped without problem.

I gotta go home. I was just informed by the lab manager that they will be shutting down the power supply at 6pm to fix the power supply problem. But right before I go... I was told that I should keep a copy of my Chronicles and probably published it one day as a book. I never thought of that. Those chronicles which I wrote as Facebook statuses. Haha. We'll see.

Time to go home, get some good dinner and set to work on my dissertation again.

Wedding in Poland

It was an honour indeed that my Polish friend, Gosia, invited me to her wedding last weekend. In fact, the moment of knowing her in Igreja Corpo Santo, Lisbon, right after her engagement was a gift from God.

This trip brought out two extremes of emotions - the somber mood in Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp and the joyful experience of Polish wedding celebration.

Friday, 28th June 2013
I was with two Couchsurfers, Magda from Poland and Adam from Australia, on this visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camps. It was a very somber trip, with the drizzle adding to the ambiance. What hit me most is how human beings could be so cruel towards another race, just because they were taught of the superiority of their own race. Basic morality was nullified in the concentration camps. Indeed, where was the love? I was completely in awe when I passed by the starvation cell where St. Maximillian Kolbe was kept for two weeks without water and food, yet remained alive and then killed by lethal injection. Never had I thought I'd be visiting the place where a martyr of the Church was murdered. His life story was one of the few autobiographies of the saints of the Church which I read, without knowing that one day I'd stand outside the cell where he once lived and died. The tour brought us not only to Auschwitz but also to Birkenau, where there were remnants of larger and more "sophisticated" gas chambers as well as the camp itself. Some parts were destroyed, some remained standing as a history lesson to all who know about the Holocaust during World War II against the Jews. My heart breaks for all the souls who were lost in this period of time, and their surviving family members.

This was placed at the entrance of the gas chamber in Auschwitz concentration camp.

The road in Birkenau camp.

Saturday, 29th June 2013
On the other hand, my main objective of visiting Poland for the second time was to attend the wedding of Gosia and Tomek in Tarnow. I met up with her friends (after falling at the pavement and scrapped my knees) and went to Tarnow on 29th June to attend their wedding mass in church at 2 pm. After the wedding, we were all gathered in Hotel Marion for the traditional Polish wedding reception. I was seated with her hometown friends, Ulka and gang. The truth is I was actually in pain almost the whole time due to the scrapped knees and slightly twisted ankle. Yet, I thoroughly enjoyed the 12-hour celebration (4 pm to 4 am) which consisted of eating, drinking and dancing. I had the opportunity to practically try all the traditional Polish cuisines for wedding, drank few shots of vodka and danced a lot with everybody. These three things were beyond the boundaries of language. By the time I got home with Ulka and rested, it was 5.30 am. The birds were chirping and the sun was up.

Gosia and Tomek in the church walking down the aisle as husband and wife.

Gosia looking at Tomek cleaning the broken glass. One of the traditions in Polish wedding is the wedded couple would drink champagne from glasses tied together with a ribbon and then throw the glasses behind them. I'm not sure if the "cleaning up" part is part of it. But it was really adorable.

Gosia and Tomek picked me up from Ulka's place after midday on Sunday and I spent the afternoon in Gosia's family home, attended Sunday mass with them and Gosia's bro-in-law, and had supper of zurek (traditional Polish soup) with bread, and finally they sent me to Krakow on their way back to Katowice. I was honoured to be a part of their lives and be invited to witness this sacred moment of their lives.

May God be their Guide in their lives as married couple from now until the end. Amen!