Life is... Love is.... Wonders of My Mind.

The titles were the three old blogspot blogs which I've closed down. I'm supposed to either sleep or write my dissertation, I know, but I'm doing neither right now. Back to the blogs.. I sort of read through what I wrote, especially about the past pseudo relationship I had with this one guy some years ago back in 2005/06. I thank God that we didn't work out though I was very hurt back then. What I wrote was absolutely idiotic! What in the world was I thinking????!!! Thank God nothing really happened between us. I guess everyone went through the period when we go gaga over some unworthy individuals who treated us like thrash. Ok, maybe not everyone. Some end up marrying them and be unhappy spouse. Some chose to divorce them. Some stayed because they have no where to go. As for me, I thank God I'm where I am right now. It'd have been crazy if God didn't intervene. I met Jesus right before I told myself I had enough and slowly though painfully, we drifted away from each other. I'll wait for the him to appear. By then, probably I'll know and I guess he'll know too if we are meant to build a life together. For now, my own journey continues. Yeah, live the life of a dreamy wanderer, running after the God who aligns my desires to His mission for me :)

BONES

Have any of you ever seen "Bones" on TV? Sadly speaking, I've only watched the first season of Bones and I loved it so much that I'm re-watching it for the second time. Yeah, that's me, watching the dramas, animes, movies that I like for more than one time. One thing that struck me as I watched the episode was this thing called "social awkwardness" that this fictional Dr. Temperance Brennan has...

Then I stumbled upon a blog as I keyed in the phrase "social+awkwardness+define" in Google, and I find myself in awe of how many people in the world face this problem of social awkwardness. I have to admit that I am at many times "socially unacceptable" and face the problem of "social awkwardness" although I seem to be friendly, easy-going, all smiling and nice. Being socially awkward at times, I tend to react abnormally, comparing to other normal human beings. In fact, there's a word used to describe nerd... Geek. I probably am a geek at a level of humanity. LOL!

Today, I faced a situation which I became socially awkward and probably made a few new enemies. I was totally imprudent and rude and impolite and socially unacceptable. When I realized what I did was totally unacceptable to the norm of the society, it was way too late to salvage the situation, except a deepest regret and sincere apology. I was known to be a "faked person", a "hypocrite" to some people, no matter how true I was at that moment to the other person. So many times in life, I have a few friends, who care enough and remain patient despite abnormal outbursts of emotions. Thank God for that! Having said so, it didn't change the one fact - that I am still loved by God who created me to be me. Some of us might think I'm just deluding myself into believing that in a tiny part of the world, somebody still want to befriend me, but I truly believe and feel that God loves me enough to see pass this imprudent me and see the tiny little hope that I'm worth of His love for me.

I don't know what's going to happen to my life after this incident with my colleagues, but I know that God knows and He's my Comforter in the midst of loss and darkness. After all, the bible says that Jesus came not for the righteous but for the sinners (refer Matthew 8:13). This verse allows me this assurance that God still loves me though I've done such a thing so unacceptable socially.

Suddenly I thought of people who are socially unacceptable, who are shunned by many, sometimes including me, because what the person says or does cause people to feel annoyed, irritated and becomes irrational with thinking. I am one of them, but why am I doing things that people do unto me? It reminds me of Felix who serves with his wife in the young adults ministry I'm in... His humility is at this level that he receives and welcomes everybody in the ministry, even the "marginalized" because of their social awkwardness. Because of both him and his wife, I felt comforted when I was placed in a situation where I could no longer hang out or talk properly with the group of people I used to be with. Thanks a lot! Will I be able to emulate this humility which is being passed down to Christ? Will you?

"Can any of you by worrying add a single house to your span of life?"
~ Matthew 6:27 ~

10 Nov 2008 20:03 KFC Opposite Cathay Cinema

Almost 24 hours after knowing the truth that had been bothering me for the past three months, I'm in a total solitude with the Lord. What has lost will never come back to me, at least not for now. How long the suffering had been when I didn't know the truth! Though it still stabbed my heart and practically numbed my nervous system, I found back that part of me which went missing three months ago. For once again, I'm in awe of God's grace upon me. Once again, I see God's hands cupping my face, touching me who longed for that physical touch, breathing so near to me, telling me... "You are healed. Now go in peace." Though I still feel that immense loss, my First Love, my Ardent Lover, embraces me tightly, wanting to tell me how much He loves me. I know this suffering will join with His suffering, and at the break of dawn, hope will resurface. And I will be whole again.

I know this inability to sleep in the middle of the night for the past two nights is just short-term effect. I experienced that earlier when I was very sick with flu, cough, fever. Even with two types of medication which caused drowsiness, I would be wide awake in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out trying to breathe and cry and cough at the same time. This time, no cough, no flu, no fever. I just can't sleep. Perhaps I'm too scared to sleep, knowing that there will be a chance I might forget the surge of God's love flooding my empty heart. I don't want to forget, but every morning I woke up with such a void in it. Or maybe, my brain is figuring out how can I stand up again after this betrayal, this strange lie people told right into my face. Christ did, so I have to, even I'm so weak. Christ forgave Judas... Every day ever since July 2008, this strength to carry on is not mine, but His. If it were to be mine, I would have long gone down to hell. Thank God for Christ the strength and refuge for my soul.

I had manicure done in preparation for Lidz's wedding tomorrow... I kinda like the design... And I purchased a dress which I looked good in (finally!) in 1Borneo last night... It was a spur out of the moment kind of splurging on myself...

In fact, I'm missing someone who was so dearly to me that my heart is at the point of breaking again... Because of a person, everything changed. Now, nothing else for me in his life. How I wish things would be better. My heart is crying... I am crying.

Where is the love of God that we used to share? Where is the care and concern we used to share? Where is the vision we shared? Where are you now?

All seems to have gone beyond hopes, nothing else seems to left, just because of that person. I've tried to be nice to that person, but eventually I lost all I cherish to her. Such a joke in my life.

No, I can't take it, I seriously can't. Why in the world she must come into our lives and wrecked mine into pieces? WHY?

I'm losing hope... Even some high authority in a certain group attacks me because of what I posted on FB. I don't even know it was a crime to thank a person whom I cherish and also a person who cared for me a lot in the past. Now, I'm like a boat without a sail, bobbing up and down in the middle of the wide ocean, fears surrounding in the darkness. Once an event was a joy which I cherished, now becomes a nightmare which I'd rather forget.

So the person has light to guide the person whom I cherish to shore. So the person whom I cherish followed her and left me here.

My God will bring me back, I know I'm not alone. Oh mankind! How blind are you to His hand! How unworthy I am to deserve His love for me!

If Only I could, I would

If only I could, I would move mountains and seas to stop something from degrading.

If only I could, I would do whatever I can to wash away all the hurts we all face.

If only I could, I would delete all those humans that caused all these to happen to us.

If only I could, I would erase all the memories that made us cry.

If only I could, I would...

But I couldn't, so I wouldn't be able to...

Thus I can only feel thousands of knives stabbing at the same wound again and again...

Just like a striking force to my heart, strong and hard.

I, finally, got it... In return to what I did to you.

Sometimes I can't breathe...

Sometimes I can't hope...

Sometimes I think God is so far away and hiding His face from me.

When only will He show Himself again?

When only all these will end???

When Love Runs Out

When love runs out, where do we go?

Finding another jetty to anchor ourselves?

Or seeking God for another bowl of love?

When patience runs out for a person, where do we go?

Looking for another individual who is more pleasant to be with?

Or seeking God for grace to continue loving the person?

When strength to love the person runs out, where do we go?

Hiding behind a portrait of irritation and anguish for the person?

Or asking God for the strength to truly forgive and love the person again?

When the heart is weary, do we anchor ourselves on yet another quiet cheery individual?

Or do you choose to leave everything and take up the cross of weariness?

Why choose to hurt when we can love?

Why choose to be hurtful when we can be loving?

Why choose to end when all can be started afresh?

Why choose to anchor ourselves on yet another human's affection instead of God Himself?

I'm learning to anchor on God, how about you?

Are we still anchoring on the hope that the human's affection and in quietness will bring you to another season of hopes and dreams coming true?

Are we being foolish to think that if we desire it, God will grant it, as long as we think it is righteous?

Why do we hurt ourselves with all these endless hopes?

Why do we hurt others because of our own anguish and hurts?

Why do we change our hearts when we feel threatened?

Why do we need such a God if we want to control our own lives and live it the way we want it?

I'm learning to let Him govern my life, how about you?

Are you still struggling to find and maintain hope and affection in yet another individual?

Are you still struggling with your pride that you will never fail anybody?

Are you still struggling with your human nature?

I'm struggling too, but I know by the faith, hope and love of God, I want and desire to turn my eyes to God once again.

When God's love runs out from my own heart, I choose to let you be taken care by God.

Because I know, it is by His love that I come to know you as a companion.

And it is by His grace we had wonderful memories in the past.

And it will be by His love our hearts will be mended and healed.

And it is definitely by His strength and His inspiration I'm writing all these.

God is greater than any living creature, and I'm just another living creature.

He knows you and loves you much more than I do.

I am assured He will bring you back.

I am assured He is in this with us.

Don't falter, don't waver, don't give in to temptations.

Don't sigh, don't stress, don't be anguished with things that are happening.

God is love when our human love runs out.

And I know, we are all seekers of this love.

And I pray you are well taken care by God via His angels.

When love runs out, I will be your love -- this is His promise to us.

And us, we are just mere human beings, you and I, we can only count on God when we find ourselves seemingly busy seeking for love at all the wrong places.

And us, we being just mere humans, we can only believe and walk in faith in the misty path.

For God is with us.

And God is love.

Somewhere over the rainbow, there is hope, because there is God.

Sacred Space

God calls us to various place. Today, I'd like to share this webpage known as Sacred Space with you who read what I posted. It is a daily prayer online and the reflection is superb.

I'm going through very tough times these days and I request you who read my entries to pray with me that I will be strengthened by God who lives and reigns in my life no matter under what circumstances. I know all is worth the sorrow and pain I'm going through because He is made visible in this part of my life. The loss I'm encountering is just for this moment. I still hope this loss is just a part of a bigger joy in future. And I pray God will grant my desire in His time.

To learn to love Him is like a baby learning to crawl, walk and talk. To learn to be loved by Him is even tougher. I'd say it is like a mother deciding to carry the baby in her womb to term.