Life as a Struggling PhD Student

My home workstation today, for the first time after nine months of struggles

Being at Cambridge is definitely a blessing in disguise for I know anywhere else, I would probably be asked to push through a subject which I couldn't grasp after the long nine months of struggle. Today is the mark of the start of my 10th month here. An embarrassment that half the time I was too depressed to work on anything, a quarter of the time I spent worrying how to cope with the strangely foreign subject of human evolutionary genetics. I thought I love genetics enough to do anything, even if it means working on bioinformatics of a highly foreign subject of evolution. It was humbling to know that I had overestimated my ability to cope with research interest which is not of mine.

I spent a month struggling to make sense if I should just give up on doing a PhD. At the moment, I don't even know if I could make a swap despite being assured by my supervisor and college graduate tutors that it is totally understandable if I really couldn't cope. If I am accepted by Cambridge, it means I do have the qualifications, so I am not stupid. Indeed, I am sick of feeling stupid all the time.

For the past one week, since a proper chat with a new friend about his research group and what they are doing, I became more hopeful that maybe I am not so stupid after all, and that I do possess something which makes me someone worthy of Cambridge education. It is a second chance to research on something which was so close to my heart since university days. After a week of thinking through and reading up, it is time to wet my feet and start swimming.

I learned something about myself today when it comes to research. If I am bad at it, I can eventually be good enough, but I will not excel in it. If I fell in love with it because I have come to know it and am good at it, then there is a possibility to excel in it. Good enough is not enough. I may not be the creme of the top, but I don't want to be the bottom of the food chain forever. PhD research is a marathon, and the journey is long and winding, yet limited by time. If I do something which doesn't make my heart stirs right from the start, I will just probably be so-so (bottom of the food chain) and eventually drop it after a while. If it were to be the delight of my heart, no matter how hard life gets, the love will keep me going.

Source: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=1414

I guess it is similar to marriage and relationship. I may not have experience enough to describe how it is like, but it's probably like a PhD.

2010 FIFA World Cup Finals

This is the first time I'm blogging using Opera Mini browser on my E71. Seems pretty interesting. For once in history, I'm actually interested in watching the FIFA finals, but many of my friends are opting out because it's a school/work day and yes, their teams had lost earlier on. Haha. As for me, I started off late... Took me the match between Germany and Argentina to finally find meaning of '22 men running around the field chasing a tiny ball of black and white'. It was worthwhile to understand the whole emotion-filled situations one sees during the whole 90 odd minutes of one's time.

Hopefully a friend of mine will join me in watching the match in McD later. It kinda scares me to go there alone. Haha. I probably will pretend I'm buying late night supper if there are a large crowd later..

I gotta sleep now.. I hope you also will enjoy the finals of 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa! It's definitely a once in a lifetime experience!

Finally, END of the 5-day Break

The whole of Sabah is celebrating Kaamatan Festival (Harvest Festival) on 30th and 31st May annually. This year Wesak Day fell on a Friday, while Kaamatan started on a Sunday, hence an additional day on Tuesday. It's a super long break - all the way from Friday to Tuesday. I never really planned what to do, hence the BOREDOM set in by Sunday. This is indeed the worst break I've ever had since I started working so far. Like I said, I should have planned ahead of time. But I can't cry over spilled milk, can I?

Phew. Finally my friends are here. I've been anticipating the meet up with them since like forever!!~~~ Haha. We're in Upper Star Lintas, the latest hang out place for lovely food here.

House Season 4

I haven't written much these days. I didn't think that it matters really to write up things which any other person can write, or things that people don't read. People may not read and comment to me that it's boring, but most people read, and probably gossip and think behind me. It wasn't that much of good experience about people anyway.

I'm pretty much sensitive at the moment due to the Who Am I? Seminar I'm sitting in this weekend. Another electrical jolt on "Who am I?" really. Another arena to explore and inviting God to heal. But this is not what I want to write about.

I just finished watching House M.D. season 4. It is the shortest season, only 16 episodes, but one of the most touching finale. I didn't get to watch the 3rd season's finale so I didn't know how emotionally triggering it was after Foreman left, Cameron resigned and Chase was fired by House. In season four's finale, Amber (Wilson's on-screen girlfriend) died of bus crash because she went out to fetch drunken House home. And House went way out to save Amber's life, went into a seizure after discovering that certain flu meds which Amber took right before the crash caused her definite death as her kidneys were destroyed at the accident. Her body was unable to naturally filter out the chemical in the flu meds.

What really touches me is how frail life is, and what we would do in order to preserve it when we suddenly find ourselves in the position where life is slipping away fast. We're no longer in control of our lives, that's when we would badly want to be in control of any other thing which we could. Young people nowadays, you and I, like routine so much because we are afraid of losing control of the few things which we think we have full knowledge of. Some people would avoid at all cost of not knowing certain facts, certain directions, even God's invitations to know ourselves deeper, just because we're afraid of going through the pain of knowing and losing control of the "wonderful life" we thought we have.

If we really think God is great, and why do we think we are not great? The formula given is "if God is great, then a great God can only create great beings. If we're created by God, and we acknowledge that God is great, then we must be great too." So if anyone who says we're not great, we're not good, then he must be telling us lies. The Scriptures taught us that the devil is the father of lies, so this must be the work the devil that we think we're not as great, or we're just some plain, boring beings.

Young people these days have this issue of not being great, and just being ok is enough, because it is safe. Great things are for others and not for ourselves. Time for us to move toward reclaiming the very fact that we can be great because the God who created us is great, and we are created to be His mirror image.

That's it. House M.D. is just a messed up imaginary images of everybody who is afraid of acknowledging and befriending themselves. That's why everybody likes House M.D. and this medical drama is one of the highest rating series in the States.

I'm Using Google Chrome

This is interesting. I downloaded Google Chrome version 4.1.249, another alternative internet browser, and like what Google UK website said about this browser: "Google Chrome runs websites and applications with lightning speed".

The three "FASTs" they used to promote the browser are: Fast START-UP, Fast LOADING, and Fast SEARCH. Well, I tested the theory with my laptop of 8 years: 256 MB of RAM, running on Intel Pentium IV mobile processor with 16MB of graphic card... And I'm happy with the start-up and search. As for loading, there is always another limiting factor, the speed of my internet and also the amount of other applications I'm running.

They also mentioned on Google UK that "it's free and is installed in seconds". Umm... I agree on the "it's free" part, but with my computer, it took MINUTES instead. I know, the age of my laptop is another limiting factor.

Yet, there is a downside which I have yet to find the solution... When I add a photo to my blog, I could not adjust the size like how I can using Mozilla or IE. This is something which I don't really like, as I do blog quite often, when I find I have things to share about.

However, all other things compensate this tiny flaw, which I hope will improve as time goes by. Maybe they have improved it, but I just don't know it yet.

You can read more about Google Chrome on Wikipedia here.

Returning to Our Origin

As every other teacher is busy with the upcoming mid-year examination, I am occupied with coordinating the upcoming Holy Spirit Weekend for both the upper and lower forms, and the CF Camp, and the St. Simon's Day Mass Celebration, and everything else under the sun.

It is fun to be working as both an administrator at some level, and also a teacher. I probably am the worst teacher on earth, as proven by the "no-incentive-for-me-because-my-students-said-i-am-not-a-good-teacher" condition on my evaluation, but I just don't care anymore. I detest office politics, and I know that this doesn't help the non-profitable organization which I am currently working in. I enjoy liaising with people, and am happy when I see people receiving one thing or another.

It's a constant struggle for me at the moment, as I'm not perfect when everybody expects me to know what they want. And it is worse when people do not cooperate but complaining constantly about stuffs. For the past few weeks, my weekends are all taken away. How "wonderful" that is!!! And of course, this becomes extremely lonely, as I go against the flow of the world. I finally understand how tough it is for the salmons to swim against the current from the ocean back to where they were born just to lay eggs and die. I think it must have taken them so much energy and effort to just continue swimming to the origin. Us, as human, are we doing the same thing? Returning to where we really belong to? Or do we continue swimming in the vast ocean, hoping our original home will come to us like a droplet of raindrop?

As we live our lives, have we ever thought that there are more than just this? If you do, I'd like to invite you to ponder further. Is there more life than this? Are you willing to swim against the current to where your origin is?

Kuching Alpha Conference 2010

I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to meet Nicky Gumbel, Pippa, his wife, Tim Hughes, Al Gordon and Jamie Haith from Holy Trinity Brompton Church. It was really a great experience to hear from the pioneer of Alpha course, Rev. Nicky Gumbel, and also his team members. The above photo was taken with Nicky Gumbel and Pippa. Nicky is a very good and funny speaker, and his wife is a very gentle and demure lady. It was really a blessing to have the chance to know them. Besides them, we were also blessed to have Tim Hughes as our worship director during the two-day conference. Jamie and Al also gave good sessions.

Not only I got the opportunity to see these people who work full time to spread the Good News through Alpha, I also found joy in meeting new people, and a priest, Fr. Simon Poh from St. Joseph's Cathedral. I met him years ago when I went to Kuching for YCS Encounter 3 in Dec 1998. That was almost 12 years ago! All the photos were uploaded to my Facebook. I will try to upload them here. Currently the internet is crawling slowly at its own pace. Argh!

The whole conference really opens a new arena for me to consider - the evangelizing part of our faith as Christians. Alpha is a non-threatening evangelistic tool, and indeed, we are witnessing the conversion in so many individuals around us. It was a blessing from God, truly, for me to attend this conference, and my eyes are opened to the possibility of spiritual renewal through Alpha. Do I want to serve in this area? I would love to speak to youth (be it teens or young adults), but am I called? I may be called. But... Am I invited?

I'm going through a desert phase in my spiritual life right now. But I know that Jesus, the Living Water is building clouds over my desert, so that He can rain down His Spirit unto me after this phase. I'm not ashamed that I am going through phases like such, because I'm made of flesh and I do have struggles. Many times I see people pretending they are alright when they are not. They seem spiritually high, but they are not even managing their lives properly.

I may be deafened by the noises around me for a moment, but I believe that I will eventually walk towards the voice of Jesus, like how Paul, whose eyes were blinded, was healed and converted.

Like what I shared with a student yesterday, it's all about the willingness to receive from Jesus. If there's nobody who was willing to offer his five loaves and two fishes to Jesus, would there be a great miracle to feed 5000 men? I am willing to allow Him to work through me. So I pray that He will use me the way He finds me deem fit. He knows what I can do best, though sometimes we think we know ourselves better.

And you out there, do you want to offer yourselves willingly to Jesus so that He can do His wonders in you and through you?

Walk Like You Have Somewhere to Go by Lucille O'Neal

This is THE life story of Lucille O'Neal, a mother of four, grandmother of 14, of her life from the day she was born into the O'Neal family to this point of being the mother of NBA Star. Not only that, this book tells of her struggles in life, being a wife to a husband who barely communicated with her inner needs and desires, being a mother at the age of 17, being a woman who was grounded in faith and yet committed a sin with a heavy outcome. Looking at these situations, she could have just given up hope and stopped struggling to survive, rather than what Lucille chose to do - to keep on living, even when she was against all odds.

One thing which struck me was what Lucille remembered of her pastor, Rev. Hartsfield. "Lucille, walk like you have somewhere to go." This is something which we can learn from. I'm also born with the tall genes which cause me to be taller than many of my peers, here in Asia. It's no fun being a tall lady, where generally, men are shorter in this region. I had my share of inability to accept and love who I am, though not to the extend of Lucille, still, I could imagine how it felt to be "out of place" during our teenage years. I'm very much encouraged by her light-hearted way of sharing her life to all, with the hope of encouraging others. I also noticed that Lucille took note of the social ills occurring in the States especially, and how she is hoping for a change in the culture of young adults and younger parents, and their attitude towards their children.

I may not have experienced, and probably will not experience half the things Lucille had gone through in her 56 years on earth at the moment, but I'm truly inspired by her will of never giving up, and being a good mother to her children, silently enduring the non-communicative lifestyle as a wife to a military husband. As much as I'm inspired by her life and her want of being free again, I still have the firm stand that once married, should try to work out the marriage. Perhaps 10 years ago, it may not be so possible. Now, with the increasing awareness of the high divorce rate around the world, there is also an increase of marriage counselor, both in church and outside church, to assist married couple with domestic issues which may lead to divorce.

The 40 bible verses in the epilogue of the book are a plus point to this book. They serve as comforter, for the Word is always our Comforter. I'd definitely recommend this book to all women, and men too!

Disclaimer: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed as my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsement and Testimonials in Advertising."

The Vertical Self by Mark Sayers

Am I a person who cares of the horizontal self or the vertical self? This question got stuck with me as I read The Vertical Self by Mark Sayers. This is a book which explains in a light 'n' easy tone on the identities given by the world to the individuals living in it, and how all these are linked together causing one to lose oneself even more because of the horizontal self image. Aside to that, Mark Sayers also carefully orchestrated the three types of social self in the life of young people especially. However, this is not meant to be dwelt upon forever, as he also proposed a future self to these people who had been living the identity of horizontal self - yes, the vertical self. Looking into how God wants a relationship with us, and how personal holiness is possible in our modern life.

Personally, I like the way Mark Sayers written the book - it connects to our daily life as a young person. As a young working adult living in an Asian country, I saw that the Western culture is seeping into the lives of young people in Asia, and issues described in the book somewhat is already in Asia. So it helps me, when he recommended in the book to share this vertical self concept to others. However, as a Catholic, I would suggest that he requires more in depth research on the lives of the saints. Like what the book says, holiness is for everyone living on earth. Yet, I find that the book did not really point out directly on how Christianity and personal holiness can aid a person whose identity had been based on horizontal self.

I will still recommend my friends reading this book, and yeah, I do have people asking me to borrow them the book already.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

My Story @ Starbucks

Recently I attended this My Story - Tales of Local Talent event in Starbucks, 1 Borneo. It was a night of fun and laugh and definitely good music from local talents. This round we had Meteor Crates, JADE Sisters, Atama and Moses De Silva featuring Alvin MY. It was a blast for the crowd. And the atmosphere and temperature in the 2nd floor of Starbucks that night, just one word - HOT!!!

A talented writer, Joanna Funk, has done a writeup on this event on Bandwidth Street Press, and the funny part is I never thought some of the photos I took using my Casio Exilim 1.2 mp could be used as a part of her writeup. Smiles...

Here's the link to her article ("My Story #5" at Starbucks in 1Borneo is a massive HIT (also in Bandwidth Street Press online edition, March 2010)
Note: Pictures #3 and #5

Do check it out. Have fun!!

I Fell, What About You?

Many people said "I failed" and never succeed in climbing out of the failure. How many of us will say "I fell" and stand up again?

Since the Fall of Adam and Eve, men have been conquered by sins. Well, perhaps, "conquer" isn't the exact word to be used, as we know, shortly after that (we have to look into the eternity in God's time), God sent His Son, Jesus, to redeem us from sins and to break the Fall. He (Jesus) is the new Adam. Agree?

So, why then, do we still fall? Simple explanation is devil is still lurking around, grappling at any opportunity he gets to make us stumble and fall. Worse still, we are giving him chances by not giving up all to Him who comes to save us, and died for us when we're still sinners.

I have to admit that I fall, all the times, and I feel bad about it. Confession in Sacred Heart Cathedral, KK is in this week. Time to prepare myself to face the music, and receive His abundant mercy and grace.

Like what Archbishop John Lee said, prayer, fasting and penance are important as preparation for Holy Week. I'm lacking, I finally realize it, and I have to work on it. How about you?

You can fall a million times, but if you're willing to stand up and return to God, all in heavens rejoice for your homecoming.

God bless!

Inspiration Zero

These days I'm suffering from a weird disease of "inspiration zero", hence the inability to pen down anything which makes sense.

Gotta recharge myself this holiday season and will come back strong.

HUGS!

Messed Up and Confused?

I have to admit that I am rather messed up these few days. Badly lacking of rest for my brain, I started having difficulty to sleep when it is time to sleep and difficulty to wake up when it is time to wake up.

And my emotions... Haha! Erupted like a volcano - wrong time, wrong venue, wrong person. And then, I had to remember the teaching on meekness of Jesus and apologised to the person, though it was only half my fault that emotions eruption occurred. Well, who wouldn't, if being shouted like a child being scolded by an abusive father in a working environment? Talking about professionalism. Maybe I should post an entry on professionalism soon!!

I was so tired mentally that my emotional health, spiritual health and physical health seemed to be giving way. Almost paid deposit for a property which could be troublesome to solve the legal issue. Then suddenly, a voice reminded me what my coach told me before - "Never make any decision when you're down." This is so true, and thank God for the reminder. And always consult God on any decision, big and small ones. He will lead us to the right people, right situation, right time. I finally am appreciating the amount of professional friends I have around me, with a sound mind, wise judgement. Definitely better than my "dumb bimbo" mind on certain areas. Thank and praise God for the gift of friendship!

I guess everybody has a "dumb bimbo" area and it is ALRIGHT to be. Well, that's how and why we need different people in our lives. Like how the Body of Christ consists of different members with different giftings.

"Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a part of it."

~ 1 Corinthians 12:27 ~

Time to go home. It is almost 5pm. It was a long day outside of the comfort of airconded environment. Phew! Hope the puppies will cheer me up more.

Guard Your Hearts

There is a light shining through in my terms with darkness, and these two verses reflects exactly why the light shines through:

"Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
~ Philippians 4: 6-7 ~

There is this man whom I was attracted to for the past few months, whom I was waiting for to return, and there are these friends who advised me to let him know that I was waiting for a certain period of time. I wasn't sure of this urging from them, but after praying and asked for His guidance, I decided to let him know I'm indeed waiting for him because of how I've been attracted to him. It wouldn't hurt to take that risk, because either way, I would lose him, since I had made it clear to myself I would stop waiting if he doesn't come back on the particular date I have set for myself. I'd rather be in knowing position than not knowing.

And in his responsible, clear and honouring manner, he responded to my "information" via our only channel of communication. In a very respectful manner, I was told the feelings are not mutual. For once, I'm not embarrassed nor ashamed to share with you who read my blog about this, because this is a part of me whom you have to know. I am saddened by this loss of hope in forming a lasting relationship with him, but my heart is guarded and there was no anger nor disappointment against this brother in Christ. He, too, has guarded my heart in our friendship with each other.

What more, I have to thank God for allowing me this opportunity to experience such a friendship with a man who respects me as an individual, honours me as a lady and loves me as a sister. I can be certain and assured of this. And it is very responsible for him to let me know and stated very clearly his decision without leaving any empty space in between.

How many men would leave some empty spaces so that if any other relationship they have with other women doesn't work out, they would still have a "spare tyre" who may be waiting for them? Definitely more than this rare case of godly man.

Though I'm sad because I've been rejected, but I feel thankful that I finally met a responsible man who rejects my feelings of admiration for him in a way which honours and respects me. And our friendship still stands valid. God is our Witness in Heaven for sure. I trust that God knows what I need best and not what I desire most. If my desires match His designated plan for me, they will be granted. If it is not good for me, I know He will protect me from all harms and dangers. That is my God. By His grace, I will be healed. I shall take my time to mourn over my loss. It is important that I do, because this knowledge is also a liberation for me. Thank You, Lord God.

When Things Are Difficult...

What do you do when things become difficult?

I'm no saint, it is obvious. And I'm human, even more obvious. Definitely I'm not a bot which operates the laptop and starts writing long entry for blogs. Hence, I have emotions and sometimes, uncontrollable, because of the events occurring in my life. So what can I do about it?

I have choices. I can choose to sweep it under carpet (which many people do) and pretend I'm alright all the time. Or I can choose to display it and scare people off. Or I can keep to myself and simmer it like a pot of stew. I can also choose to get away from situations and keep to myself and safe people around me. Or I can choose to tell it out to safe friend and get healed with their support.

Some people choose to pretend they are alright when they are not. This is the way of the world, telling others they are alright when things are messed up in their own lives. By living a life of plasticity, maybe others will think they are fine and well off in whatever they are doing. However, when deep inside is badly messed up, one is not whole, nor complete.

Will you fast according to the Law or will you do what is according to God? Will you choose the way of God instead of the way of the world? Again and again, books and articles often quote Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of yours minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God -- what is good and acceptable and perfect." This is a reminder from Apostle Paul about the difference between God's way and the way of the world. Which one will eventually be our choice? God gave us freewill to choose. Are we going to choose wisely?

Today's reading from Isaiah struck me at these verses:

"Is not this the sort of fast that pleases me: to break unjust fetters, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break all yokes? Is it not sharing your food with the hungry, and sheltering the homeless poor; if you see someone lacking clothes, to clothe him, and not turn away from your own kin? Then your light will blaze out like the dawn and your wound be quickly healed over."
~ Isaiah 58:6-8 ~

I have to admit, I'm no saint. Last night I had a terrible time on the phone with my mom. Not verbally, but inside my heart, I died of multiple hurts and abandonment. There was anger, and I never wanted to talk about it. This reading struck me like lightning rod. I called her back today. Told a white lie, but she feels good. I died, but He will raise me up. What I'm left is the hope I place in Him, because He knows best all that I'm going through. Yes, I'm no saint. But I know God calls me to be holy as how He is holy (cf. 1 Peter 1:16).

So whoever you are, judge not and you will not be judged.

Boyfriends on Sales in Shopping Mall

In conjunction with the recent Valentine's Day and my conversation with a friend on FB, hence the post.

Many people may think that I'm attached to some guy out there, and even if I tried to explain in lengthy details that I am NOT attached but AM very single, nobody ever really believed me. Perhaps that explains why no man ever approaches me romantically for fear for hearing, "Sorry, I'm not interested." or "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." from me. This is funny, but it is true that males do have issues with the word "NO" most of the times. However, I also have to admit that females also have the similar issue with the word "NO".

Back to my topic of the day. My friend was telling me to go and find a boyfriend, which leads me to think and review my life as a single, working young adult. Throughout my teenage years and these few years working, of course I have met some interesting male characters who stayed in my life for a while as a faithful male companion, and I did take interest in them at that time. However, somehow, it didn't work out. The recent male companion decided to go abroad rather suddenly, and now I'm in the mode of waiting until the end of March.

Many people think it is important to have a relationship and then move on to marriage, etc. Well, I think so, too, no matter how strong from outside I look like. However, another thing which I love and find it important at this moment, is to be really single and embrace singlehood properly before being in a relationship. This is probably my weakest link at the moment, but I am learning to embrace singlehood and enjoying every moment of being single.

As for being available for relationship, I have to admit sincerely that I would like to be truly available, but I'm not exactly there yet. But if the right man comes and approaches me, I trust that the Holy Spirit will stir me from within and a sense of peace and security will come unto us to trust each other and to want to know each other deeper and better.

As for now, I truly believe that I have to be complete in Christ Jesus. I desire to be complete in Him and I pray my future spouse will also be a man after God's own heart who is also complete in Christ. When there is a secure relationship independently with God, two persons will be drawn nearer to each other. That's the concept. And I believe that the "he" who really is interested in me will approach me when it is the right time.

As for the boyfriends on sale in shopping mall theory, I guess I don't quite get it. I trust that boyfriend/spouse is a gift from God and I have to know the Giver properly and completely before I can enjoy the gift without turning my back against the Giver. Like what struck me in today's first reading:

"But if your heart turns away, if you refuse to listen, if you let yourself be drawn into worshiping other gods and serving them, I tell you today, you will most certainly perish; you will not live for long in the country which you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess."
~ Deuteronomy 30:17-18 ~

It is important that we know our God and set our hearts on this God who loves us so much that He sent His only Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, to save us by death on the cross. If we are not cautious about this and we don't take heed from the Word of God, we will end up worshiping the very gifts that God gives to us in order to fulfill His plan in our lives. Then the good plan will take a longer time to be fulfilled and our lives may probably have more disastrous issues than we want. So we must always remember God in all that we do, and put Him first in our hearts. One of my favourite verses is:

"Take delight in the Lord alone, and He will give the desires of your heart."
~ Psalm 37:4 ~

Yet, we must also remember that God, in His mercy and by His grace, knows what we need most and will give us what we desire and is good for us, but not what we desire which is bad for us. He definitely will be in terror if we ask for a person whom He knows will be abusive to us in future. Or we ask for a car which He knows will eventually cause a terrible accident and maim us for life. No father on earth would do that, so our Father in heaven will even more not do that. Therefore, we must first learn to find delight in Him first and allow Him to take His time to give us what's the "bestest" for us!

So, come what may!

Model Christian

Any idea what a model Christian is like? Recently a concerned individual reminded me that the eyes of all my colleagues are on me because I've been appointed as the Religious Knowledge Coordinator of my school, hence I'm expected to be a "model Christian teacher".

Who am I to have such an honour that all my colleagues must have their eyes on the way I behave myself in front of these people? And all these whiles, I thought that everybody who is a Christian (doesn't matter Catholics, Orthodox, Evangelical Protestants, Adventists, etc.) has the same role to play -- to be a role model to the world base on the Christian values which we are supposed to live out. So what exactly was the intention of this concerned individual to remind me of these eyes who have been staring at me since the first day I received my new job description?

Today is Ash Wednesday, the start of Lenten season. The first day of the 46 days before Easter. A day of fasting and abstinence from meat. The gospel reading today (Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18) in fact answers my question of the "model Christian" issue which had been bothering me for a few days. St. Matthew in his gospel spoke about how we should behave when we give alms, pray and fast. And all was summarized here:

"Be careful not to parade your uprightness in public to attract attention; otherwise you will lose all reward from your Father in heaven."
~ Matthew 6:1 ~

It is a call to learn meekness and humility from Jesus through His life on earth. It is a call to spend time with God. And God sees all our actions and thoughts, whether we like it or not. Yet, with His love, all our flaws are forgiven. In fact, He sometimes uses our flaws as His tool to shine His light to the people around us. Let God use us to the fullest in this season of Lent.

As for me, yes, I will work on being a model Christian, and live my life for Christ's sake, but I'd also invite everyone else who profess he/she is a Christian to do the same, instead of criticising how another Christian should live his/her life. Like what Jesus said, "Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." (cf. John 8:7)

Perseverance Unlimited

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. What is YOUR plan for tomorrow?

What I know it is a day of fasting and abstinence from meat. A day of obligation. The start of Lenten season. Some people do 40-day fast in this season of preparation for Easter. What about YOU?

As for ME, I do plan to only have one full meal a day. Will it be heavy lunch but no dinner? Or should it be heavy breakfast, no lunch and moderate/light dinner? Perhaps the latter. I still have a day to consider my fasting/abstinence plan. Maybe I should follow my puppies' diet of rice and fish only. They seem happy eating that day-in day-out. I know that the road to happiness is to be contented with what we have. Enough is good and sufficient is grace from God.

Planning is great, as always. But will I be persevering in this 40-day plan of fasting/abstinence? How many times we plan great things, with full of desire and passion, but end up limping because of lack of perseverance? Today when I opened my copy of The Light (daily readings), it struck me that the Church is preparing God's people for the season of Lent which will start tomorrow.

"Blessed is anyone who perseveres when trials come. Such a person is of proven worth and will win the prize of life, the crown that the Lord has promised to those who love him."
~ James 1:12 ~

Indeed, it is also written some down the chapter that,

"Everyone is put to the test by being attracted and seduced by that person's own wrong desire."
~ James 1:14 ~

During Lenten season, we're still living our normal lives. The difference is this season is with the knowledge that we must remember the road that Jesus took in order to redeem us from our sins; in order to save us, He died the scandalous death. Are we going to just sit here and do nothing about it? Or instead, are we going to wait for His resurrection at Easter by dying daily to our sins and carry our daily crosses, yet remain joyful with trials and cling onto the Rock when tempted to go astray? We can be easily tempted because of our own desire. Sometimes, passion and desire can blind us.

James wrote that "by His own choice He gave birth to us by the message of truth so that we should be a sort of first-fruits of all His creations" (James 1:18) as the end of today's reading. God has given us, by His choice, His message of truth. As we are all children of the Father of all light, we receive His truth and hence should be the salt of the earth, light of the world (cf. Matthew 5:13, 14).

You can decide how you want to lead your life. Pray more? Pray less? Your decision.

May the grace and love of God be with you all on the 3rd day of CNY. May perseverance in prayers be your strength when in darkness and may the light of Jesus be the direction of your lives.

God bless!

Jason Mraz - Lucky

I like the tune...


"Lucky" Official Video With Colbie Caillat

Jason Mraz | MySpace Music Videos

Sorry

According to The Free Dictionary, the word "sorry" has THREE meanings:

1. Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: I'm sorry I'm late.

2. Worthless or inferior; paltry: a sorry excuse.

3. Causing sorrow, grief, or misfortune; grievous: a sorry development.

But in Malaysia, you probably will find the FOURTH meaning.

Now let me tell you an encounter I had this evening which describes this particular definition of the word "sorry".

Location: W Store in 1Borneo, Workers A & B of W store and me.
Me: Excuse me, do you have any more stock of this (referring to Colgate toothpaste which has special discount, buy 2 twin packs for RM16, and there is only one twin pack left on the display shelf)?
Worker A: Umm... It's out of stock (after worker B checked out the store).
Me: It's alright then.

Disappointed, I decided to pick up my usual Fresh 'n' White toothpaste which can last me long enough until I go to Servay to pick up my twin packs (I'm an economist when it comes to buying toiletries).

While waiting to pay at the counter, Worker D decided to pay for her purchase (the exact same twin pack which I was looking for). Very loudly, here's what I could hear while standing behind her.
Worker D: Sorry ler, sorry ler. Apa boleh buat? Lambat. (Translate to: What to do? Late.)
Worker A: Dia tedi sedang cari tu (refering to the twin packs that Worker D was paying for // Translate to: She was looking for it just now).
Worker D: Sorry ler, sorry ler...
(In order to avoid direct unpleasant circumstance with that loud Worker D, I walked off to the other paying counter of Worker C).

Me: Umm... Lain kali minta pekerja kamurang jangan cakap macam itu, very impolite. (Translate to: Next time please ask your workers not to talk like that.)
Worker C: Ya... Ok...
Me: Seriously, it will ruin the image of W store. It is actually really very rude.
(I walked off from W store with my paid item after thanking Worker C feeling ridiculous at the ill-behaviour Malaysian workers are displaying to their paying customers. I know it is unfair that Worker C had to listen to my complaint about this, but I hope she will help to "correct" this kind of behaviour in her workplace)

That's how the word "sorry" is used in Malaysia by some of those individuals who felt smug by outwitting others in purchasing discounted products. It is definitely a victorious moment to be the last to get the special discounts, but it is bad for company's image if you happen to be wearing company's uniform and act like a smug in your own workplace in front of a customer, chiding the customer.

I am really disappointed with the ill-behaviours of Malaysian employees in many service outlets. FYI, I've decided to "assist" in the improvement of the W store by filing a proper complaint via their webpage.

I'm not angry, just felt ridiculous how people can use the word "sorry" to act like some ridiculous, uncivilized people from the jungle, just because of two twin packs of toothpaste with the cost of RM16. I pray that the company will do something to train their staffs to be more aware of their behaviours which may improve or deteriorate the business of the company which pays their bills at home (indirectly).