Cakes

For a while now I'm struggling because of the multiple issues which occurred at the same time. Thank God for a very supportive group of friends, I'm pretty much supported. Plus additional help from the college and the counselling services, I guess I'm hanging in alright. Not great or the best, but I'm having the right support to get me through this.

I baked a bit these days, thinking it'd be great to share with my friends. I know not everyone will like my cakes but so far nobody complained that my cakes tasted horrible. Nobody but one. As much as I know what he said isn't the truth about me, I still felt horrible and disgusted to hear that this individual (who had caused me a lot of distress and troubles these days) had once said it openly to someone that my cakes tasted horrible and he wished that a previous PhD student was still around because she baked great cakes. This very same individual actually told me he enjoyed my cake when I offered him. Now that I finally know what he had been saying behind my back to others, without checking whether the person he backstabbed me to is my friend or my foe, he's officially banned from all the cakes and food I make in future. Unfortunately, he actually commented on my cake to the one who started dating me and thought my cakes are great.

God knows all that are kept in the dark and He will reveal it in due course. I believe He has my back. This issue is not my battle alone. I've God on my side all the days of my life. My God will deliver His people and save me from injustices. This, I believe.

Forgotten

I've been struggling so much for the past two years. The health suffered a great deal. Now I am trying to fight off injustices which fell upon me for the past two months and it made no sense anymore. I no longer know what I like. I forgot the things I used to like and activities I enjoyed. Everything doesn't make much sense to me. All I want to do is to sleep and never remember anything. The boyfriend has been encouraging me whole morning through emails to come out of my cocoon but I just couldn't. Today is exceptionally difficult. I'm awake since forever but I can't seem to drag myself off the bed. Yesterday I've been so angry I was constantly thinking of methods of hurting those who hurt me. I've been so upset for so long that I forgot how to be happy for longer than 24 hours. I'm happier whenever I'm with S but the hurt is there and I feel so helpless. I know it is difficult for S to see me in despair too. But I can't do anything to stop all these right now..

Everyone thought my life is a bed of roses. Scholarship for a European masters. Traveled around different countries. Scholarship for a PhD. Not just anywhere but one of the top three giants in the world. Dating an awesome guy in many sense. What else am I dissatisfied about?

Nobody knows what lies underneath this title. Chucked aside because I am ill, don't listen to evil postdoc's micromanagement and produced results which weren't according to his "expected results". Accused of things I didn't do wrong. Tracked daily like a criminal on probation. My lab book was flipped through to find evidence of how bad a researcher I was. I was not a bad researcher at all. Distrustful glances thrown at me all the time. Chased after to explain the protocols again and again... Now I'm being kept waiting in a limbo forever. Great life indeed huh.. Thyroid hormones are finally stabilised after 16 weeks of adjusting levothyroxine level.

Now I'm battling with so much anger and sadness because of the men who caused injustice and unfair judgment upon me. And nobody seems to hear me. Hello! I'm here. I exist. Do I? Don't tell me to chill out when you don't know what hell I am going through now.

So when I travel and post photos of my happy times, perhaps it's just that tiny fraction of my happier times which I'm struggling to grasp before it vaporises again. Don't be envious and think that I'm an Asian living the dreams of many others. I am just a struggling me. That's all.

Irony of Life: Family?

One interesting statement: Family is supposed to be the closest to oneself even when one feels like stabbing them all the time.

It is supposed to. But is this statement valid for everyone? Maybe. Maybe not.

An early birthday gift is the knowledge that no one in my so-called family bothers to keep contact with me to the extent that they don't even have my contact number here in the UK because my only brother reformatted his mobile phone. Good for him.

Should I bother to give them my number again? I wanted to know if I mean anything to them, so I stopped calling home since end of July. Guess what? After three months, they are finally trying to find out what the heck is my mobile number. Apparently, I exist perhaps only once in a blue moon. No wonder from the age of 23, I was told crudely that they assumed I got married in a faraway land just because I chose to stay in a place I was most comfortable and loved. No wonder I was described as a stranger whom my mother no longer knows as daughter. I can give my mobile number a thousand times, but if I am the only one trying to work things out, there's no point. Does anybody even care I am alive or dead?

I am dealing with many things at the moment. Unnecessary accusation that I abandon the family, etc. just because I didn't call home is going to bring me down to the pit.

You can choose to judge me as an ungrateful brat. Honestly, I am too exhausted to want to talk about it anymore. God knows my heart best.

Life as a Struggling PhD Student

My home workstation today, for the first time after nine months of struggles

Being at Cambridge is definitely a blessing in disguise for I know anywhere else, I would probably be asked to push through a subject which I couldn't grasp after the long nine months of struggle. Today is the mark of the start of my 10th month here. An embarrassment that half the time I was too depressed to work on anything, a quarter of the time I spent worrying how to cope with the strangely foreign subject of human evolutionary genetics. I thought I love genetics enough to do anything, even if it means working on bioinformatics of a highly foreign subject of evolution. It was humbling to know that I had overestimated my ability to cope with research interest which is not of mine.

I spent a month struggling to make sense if I should just give up on doing a PhD. At the moment, I don't even know if I could make a swap despite being assured by my supervisor and college graduate tutors that it is totally understandable if I really couldn't cope. If I am accepted by Cambridge, it means I do have the qualifications, so I am not stupid. Indeed, I am sick of feeling stupid all the time.

For the past one week, since a proper chat with a new friend about his research group and what they are doing, I became more hopeful that maybe I am not so stupid after all, and that I do possess something which makes me someone worthy of Cambridge education. It is a second chance to research on something which was so close to my heart since university days. After a week of thinking through and reading up, it is time to wet my feet and start swimming.

I learned something about myself today when it comes to research. If I am bad at it, I can eventually be good enough, but I will not excel in it. If I fell in love with it because I have come to know it and am good at it, then there is a possibility to excel in it. Good enough is not enough. I may not be the creme of the top, but I don't want to be the bottom of the food chain forever. PhD research is a marathon, and the journey is long and winding, yet limited by time. If I do something which doesn't make my heart stirs right from the start, I will just probably be so-so (bottom of the food chain) and eventually drop it after a while. If it were to be the delight of my heart, no matter how hard life gets, the love will keep me going.

Source: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=1414

I guess it is similar to marriage and relationship. I may not have experience enough to describe how it is like, but it's probably like a PhD.

After 24 Hours of Darkness, I'm Out of It!

After a day dwelling in negative side of things, I've decided to walk out of darkness by embracing the uncharted future with slightly more courage than yesterday. Ain't easy, the negativity still looms around like shadow (which won't go away because shadows and sunlight do go hand in hand with each other). Two sides of the same coin, in fact, my miseries and how the Lord can work in me. I was walking towards darkness last night. The Lord saw me, and my guardian angel probably stood by my side keeping me from being sucked into total darkness. I'm thankful it was the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola on 31st July and I made it a point to attend mass on feast days of my patron saints.

Yesterday, I dwelt on how a person would choose to walk away eventually from me just because I am me, and how I define close friend. After much thoughts, reflections and considerations, perhaps it was just a mechanism that shows how fearful we both are when it comes to taking a step forward to be closer friends. Fear sometimes can cause us to freeze at where we are, because we don't know how to handle it. I froze to my seat in fear upon returning from Poland and broke down because I didn't know how I could handle my unwritten dissertation. Thank God for those who were patient with me during the difficult period of time.

Back to the story of my patron saints... The one whose name I bear is St. Therese of Lisieux. My baptismal name is Cindy Theresa (Theresa is a variant of Therese). Her feast day is 1 October. With her I made the journey to learn how to love once again. Then, there's St. Jude Thaddeus, whose feast day is on 28 October. He's the one I seek for intercessions all the time for impossible cases and prayers had been answered through his intercessions indeed. I've come to appreciate the Ignatian spirituality founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. By pure coincidence (though I believe that nothing is truly a coincidence to God), I stumbled into the monastery, La Cova de Manresa, Barcelona, where St. Ignatius of Loyola spent eleven months to write the book of the Spiritual Exercises. Honestly, I've not experienced the full Spiritual Exercises before as I'm unsure if I could handle it by myself. The Lord blessed me with the presence of Fr. Tri Dinh while I was on a supposed personal retreat in the Cave when I was told there won't be any English-speaking priest available to guide me. That was two years ago. Yet, it is fresh in my memory the strange peace which overcame me when I was in the tiny little cave while Fr. Tri Dinh told me that St. Ignatius was there some 500 years ago. I realise that subconsciously I become more aware of myself as I reflect deeper of my being. That's why St. Ignatius is also my patron saint.

A verse from Ezekiel which comforted me some years back on my decisions then jumped back at me last night, reminding me where I am is where I should be, and what I should be seeking too. So I'm jumping at these coming months of homeless wanderings and uncharted waters with a new-found courage, to find the new heart and new spirit which God promises me.

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

(Ezekiel 36:26, NRSV)

My heart has been calling me to visit Republic of Ireland for a while now. I'm still unsure what it is all about, but I'm very certain and at peace with the idea of a two-week journey to Ireland. I took some time off from things, and focused on laying out a plan. The one-way flight from Manchester to Dublin was booked, and the hostel stays were reserved in several locations. The planner me wanted to be sure I have a roof over my head wherever I go, so I got the hostels planned first. The transportation and other details I will work out later on. So far, my heart is thrilled about going into the mountains of Connemara of west Ireland. I wish I could stay longer, but the accommodation was unavailable. Solely the two nights there, so I shall make the best out of what I have. Honestly, I'm actually spending more time in the wild wild west of Ireland rather than the east. This is a journey I have chosen to go. Let's see what God has in mind for me as I walk with Him through this.

After 24 hours of dark night of my soul, the usual me is back. More courage, not my own, but the Lord's. All glory and thanks be to my God!

The Time of the Year Again...

A day to the last day of July, and my heart is crushed to ashes. Will it ever be healed? Will I ever have the courage to be close to people again? I tried to trust, and I trusted fully. Yet, the friendship was heading to doom right from the start. I thought maybe if we give it a try by compromising and tolerating each other, perhaps this friendship can be saved. After all, we had nothing to lose by trying.

To YOU: 

After countless visits, two musicals, two oversea trips with friends, a movie, endless chats, I still have to prepare my heart to let you go, because I have defined you as my close friend and now you want to walk away because you don't want to be fit into my definition of close friends. I read it as "if I am me, then I am not good enough to be close to you". Yet I know, this will take me a long time, because our memories aren't written in carbon, so I can't just erase it. Nor were they saved in some *.docx files, which I can press "delete" and they will be gone forever. Everyone else was worried that I'll burn myself, but I trusted you that you wouldn't be like every other friend I had who would leave me because I am me.

From ME.

Right now, I'm indeed in the darkest time of my life. A person whom I thought know me well enough told me that he'd walk away from me just because of my definition of close friend and he doesn't want to be defined as my close friend. A bleak future because I have no job opportunity anywhere and scholarship for Ph.D. in Cambridge doesn't seem to have any news. My masters is completed, and I have another two weeks before I have to evacuate from this room, with no plans ahead. My mother had been asking me for the past two years if I have a boyfriend, and NO, I don't have and nobody is pursuing me, so going home will be a pain. Everyone else is married and attached and seems to know what they want in life, while I am just lagging behind, knowing I want to get another degree because I have no commitment, no one who is looking forward to have me closer, no one wants to be with me.

Perhaps, it is time for me to admit... Yes, I am single, and perhaps, desperate. I just want someone who would care if I had eaten, or where I have been, or what do I want to do, or how do I feel this morning, or just any little detail which doesn't seem to matter to anybody really. Someone who would care to listen when I'm being defiant and destructive like Stitch. Someone who would hold on to me when I can't hold myself together because I am sucked into the whirl of depression or confusion. Someone who would appreciate me for being me, and would do anything he could to stop me from evolving into someone I'm not just to please others or himself. Someone who would tell me it's okay to be sad because we have to be apart from each other and would comfort me even from afar. Someone who allows me to share my deepest desires and darkest thoughts, and lets me talk about God and spiritual stuffs without telling me it is too deep for him to handle. Someone who would compliment me even when I am at my worst self, and complement me by being the sunshine and rainbow when I'm not. I promise I will try to be the same for this someone too.

I bawled my heart out to God just now because of the text message which crushed me. If not because of Jesus, I guess I'd have died a thousand times. I know eventually I will be alright, even though I can't see how I can carry on living right now. No plans, no future, nothing. Even if I made mistakes, I know God doesn't. There is a reason for every season.

I guess many people pretend they are okay when they are not. The society forms the pressure of needing to be at our best and people are only accepted when they are "normal" according to the world. I am not okay, so it's best for me to get away from the world and into my own tiny comfort zone. Can I just run away to a place where I can be me? I ran away thousands of miles from home so that I can find me. I found me, but I am still rejected for being me. Is being me such a horrible crime?

Messed Up and Confused?

I have to admit that I am rather messed up these few days. Badly lacking of rest for my brain, I started having difficulty to sleep when it is time to sleep and difficulty to wake up when it is time to wake up.

And my emotions... Haha! Erupted like a volcano - wrong time, wrong venue, wrong person. And then, I had to remember the teaching on meekness of Jesus and apologised to the person, though it was only half my fault that emotions eruption occurred. Well, who wouldn't, if being shouted like a child being scolded by an abusive father in a working environment? Talking about professionalism. Maybe I should post an entry on professionalism soon!!

I was so tired mentally that my emotional health, spiritual health and physical health seemed to be giving way. Almost paid deposit for a property which could be troublesome to solve the legal issue. Then suddenly, a voice reminded me what my coach told me before - "Never make any decision when you're down." This is so true, and thank God for the reminder. And always consult God on any decision, big and small ones. He will lead us to the right people, right situation, right time. I finally am appreciating the amount of professional friends I have around me, with a sound mind, wise judgement. Definitely better than my "dumb bimbo" mind on certain areas. Thank and praise God for the gift of friendship!

I guess everybody has a "dumb bimbo" area and it is ALRIGHT to be. Well, that's how and why we need different people in our lives. Like how the Body of Christ consists of different members with different giftings.

"Now you are the body of Christ, and each of you is a part of it."

~ 1 Corinthians 12:27 ~

Time to go home. It is almost 5pm. It was a long day outside of the comfort of airconded environment. Phew! Hope the puppies will cheer me up more.

Good or Bad Traditions?

It was an not-too-ok-but-managed-to-survive sort of day for me... Again, an episode of waking up just in time, missing the first part of morning reflection at school. It had been like that since last week, seemed to worsen by end of the week with the outbreak of not-so-joyous news from home, until now. I even made harsh remarks to a certain friend of mine after daily mass. Now, that's pretty bad. I'm just down-spirited for the time being. Dang!

Today, when I read the Word of God for the first time, it was a total haze to my mind - like as though all that was said didn't make sense. Then finally after several times, the Gospel reading finally made its sense... Thank God for His grace. I've nothing much to write recently, as though my mind is dry, my heart is in the desert zone. I badly need to be watered by God, so I guess keeping quiet becomes an art for me to learn now. I'll try to update blog, but apologies for nonsensical entries k. May things be normalised again soon~~~

Here's the reflection I got from OBOB for today's readings...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009, St. Scholastica

Genesis 1:20—2:4, Psalm 8, Mark 7:1-13
Link to Readings --> http://www.usccb.org/nab/021009.shtml

GOOD OR BAD TRADITIONS?

"That is the way you nullify God's word in favor of the traditions you have handed on." —Mark 7:13

The people of Jesus' time used mere human traditions to nullify God's word. We do the same today. For example, God's word calls us all to be one as Jesus and the Father are One (Jn 17:21). Yet we've remained divided in our denominations for hundreds of years. It's our tradition.

In the Bible, the Lord commands us: "Your thoughts should be wholly directed to all that is true, all that deserves respect, all that is honest, pure, admirable, decent, virtuous, or worthy of praise" (Phil 4:8). Yet we have a tradition of watching TV, which directs our thoughts to evil, lust, greed, violence, and selfishness. Jesus strongly forbids the slightest expression of impurity.

If we fall into the temptation to look lustfully at another, Jesus proposes that we gouge out our eyes (Mt 5:28-29). Yet we have a tradition of dressing suggestively and joking about sexual matters (see Eph 5:3-4).

In the Bible, the Lord repeatedly commands us to be "sober and watchful" (1 Pt 5:8; 1 Thes 5:6). However, we have a tradition of drinking alcohol. Some churches even have the tradition of selling alcohol, even when they are almost certain of furthering someone's alcoholism.

We must repent of nullifying God's word by observing our traditions, and we must obey the traditions which the Holy Spirit has given us (see 2 Thes 2:15).


Prayer: Father, bring down the strongholds of the evil one (2 Cor 10:4).

Promise: "God looked at everything He had made, and He found it very good." —Gn 1:31

Praise: St. Scholastica worked for God's kingdom from within the walls of her convent.

Notice for Readers

Hi people... Sorry for not updating my blog much these days... FYI, I might not be posting so many entries in the days to come. Many things are happening in my life, especially my family, so in the times of uncertainty, my emotions become hazzled, and I think certain thoughts of mine are unsuitable for public view. I'll try to update as often as I can though... We see how God leads me to share...

Hmm... Something struck me as I checked on my Friendster... I had stopped FaceBook already... I probably will be able to declare that I'm "clear" from FaceBook after this 19 February 2009 (90 days clearance). Currently I'm still quite active in Friendster, and a private group that I'm in. I used to be the founder but due to certain unforseen circumstance, I had to give it up to another until further notice. I notice some recent "disturbances" that will eventually cause me to stop checking FS group.

"I just want peace, leave me and my comfort zone alone, intruder! You have your zone already, so please leave me and my zone alone, I beg you!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Please pray for me. That intruder's shadow is getting on my already-weakened nerves! :( To avoid it I stopped FB completely, now have to consider stopping FS because of the same cause. Dang!

I'm like a withered sunflower these few days. I pray God will save me fast before I sink into the sea of emotions... God help me!!!!!!

When is the Right Time?

Like how my nights are turning out to be after three days into work in school again... I first posted a few entries to my Bio Blog, then checked my official email, next thinking of what to write on this blog. After stopping the frequent visits to Facebook, I noticed I have more time at hand to focus on many areas in my life, including prayer time, study time (actually is lesson-preparing time), and rest time... With additional time, I checked out my friends' blogs, and noticed one particular entry in one particular friend's blog which acted like a short circuit to my heart... Let's not focus on what she had blogged about... Focus more on what's wrong with me, being all so emo and all... LOL! Narcissistic quality of mine now!

Ever since letting go of leadership, more than once I'm feeling left out by the group whom I used to hang out with. Ever since letting go of leadership... It was as though I'm no longer really a part of anything that happened in their lives anymore. This is the time when all their birthdays whom I used to celebrate for, I'm deprived of even knowing that a birthday celebration took place, unless I go and stalk blogs or stalking in FB (of which I currently don't do). This is also the time when retreat or meetings for leaders are no longer my concern or in my schedule anymore. There was a time when I actually had tears flowing down when I thought of all that. Pretty depressing, isn't it? Okay, I'm not asking that you, my readers, symphatize with my conditions. I'm just expressing how I really am doing right now, as a normal human who let go of practically everything at the moment because I need to focus of seeking God's love. Only now I realize, sometimes leaders are so busy that we forgot to remember about all others things, except for meetings and retreats and birthday celebrations and sharings and hanging outs with other leaders.

I know God is calling me for something even deeper than just this skin-deep depression and murmur on my deprivation of leadership and "keistimewaan" of leaders. I know His plans are just too perfect for my imperfect eyes to see. I know that there are still sunshines and rainbows beyond the grey clouds looming around me (fyi, it's also drizzling now). I'm reminded again and again about His promises, only I have to be patient...

When is the right time that God will bring me back there again? Patience... Patience... Patience...

"Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him; do not fret over those who prosper in their way, over those who carry out evil devices. Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath. Do not fret - it leads only to evil. For the wicked shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land."
~ Psalm 37: 7-9 ~

And as I continued searching on Google for all verses on patience, here's one that struck me:

"When God made a promise to Abraham, because he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, "I will surely bless you and multiply you." And thus Abraham, having patiently endured, obtained the promise."
~ Hebrew 6: 13-15 ~

Now I feel so much better, being assured by God's Word that He's going to do what He has promised to do. And all I can do is to be patient... For His right time is never my right time. His time is better than mine. I know He's watering the seeds He has planted in me these days. Even for a normal plant to start growing, it takes patience, sunshine, water and soil, in waiting for the shoot to sprout from the seed.

Thank You, Lord, for the grace and mercy to all Your children, including a tiny me here. Amen!

10 Nov 2008 20:03 KFC Opposite Cathay Cinema

Almost 24 hours after knowing the truth that had been bothering me for the past three months, I'm in a total solitude with the Lord. What has lost will never come back to me, at least not for now. How long the suffering had been when I didn't know the truth! Though it still stabbed my heart and practically numbed my nervous system, I found back that part of me which went missing three months ago. For once again, I'm in awe of God's grace upon me. Once again, I see God's hands cupping my face, touching me who longed for that physical touch, breathing so near to me, telling me... "You are healed. Now go in peace." Though I still feel that immense loss, my First Love, my Ardent Lover, embraces me tightly, wanting to tell me how much He loves me. I know this suffering will join with His suffering, and at the break of dawn, hope will resurface. And I will be whole again.

I know this inability to sleep in the middle of the night for the past two nights is just short-term effect. I experienced that earlier when I was very sick with flu, cough, fever. Even with two types of medication which caused drowsiness, I would be wide awake in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out trying to breathe and cry and cough at the same time. This time, no cough, no flu, no fever. I just can't sleep. Perhaps I'm too scared to sleep, knowing that there will be a chance I might forget the surge of God's love flooding my empty heart. I don't want to forget, but every morning I woke up with such a void in it. Or maybe, my brain is figuring out how can I stand up again after this betrayal, this strange lie people told right into my face. Christ did, so I have to, even I'm so weak. Christ forgave Judas... Every day ever since July 2008, this strength to carry on is not mine, but His. If it were to be mine, I would have long gone down to hell. Thank God for Christ the strength and refuge for my soul.

I had manicure done in preparation for Lidz's wedding tomorrow... I kinda like the design... And I purchased a dress which I looked good in (finally!) in 1Borneo last night... It was a spur out of the moment kind of splurging on myself...

In fact, I'm missing someone who was so dearly to me that my heart is at the point of breaking again... Because of a person, everything changed. Now, nothing else for me in his life. How I wish things would be better. My heart is crying... I am crying.

Where is the love of God that we used to share? Where is the care and concern we used to share? Where is the vision we shared? Where are you now?

All seems to have gone beyond hopes, nothing else seems to left, just because of that person. I've tried to be nice to that person, but eventually I lost all I cherish to her. Such a joke in my life.

No, I can't take it, I seriously can't. Why in the world she must come into our lives and wrecked mine into pieces? WHY?

I'm losing hope... Even some high authority in a certain group attacks me because of what I posted on FB. I don't even know it was a crime to thank a person whom I cherish and also a person who cared for me a lot in the past. Now, I'm like a boat without a sail, bobbing up and down in the middle of the wide ocean, fears surrounding in the darkness. Once an event was a joy which I cherished, now becomes a nightmare which I'd rather forget.

So the person has light to guide the person whom I cherish to shore. So the person whom I cherish followed her and left me here.

My God will bring me back, I know I'm not alone. Oh mankind! How blind are you to His hand! How unworthy I am to deserve His love for me!

If Only I could, I would

If only I could, I would move mountains and seas to stop something from degrading.

If only I could, I would do whatever I can to wash away all the hurts we all face.

If only I could, I would delete all those humans that caused all these to happen to us.

If only I could, I would erase all the memories that made us cry.

If only I could, I would...

But I couldn't, so I wouldn't be able to...

Thus I can only feel thousands of knives stabbing at the same wound again and again...

Just like a striking force to my heart, strong and hard.

I, finally, got it... In return to what I did to you.

Sometimes I can't breathe...

Sometimes I can't hope...

Sometimes I think God is so far away and hiding His face from me.

When only will He show Himself again?

When only all these will end???