Irony of Life: Family?

One interesting statement: Family is supposed to be the closest to oneself even when one feels like stabbing them all the time.

It is supposed to. But is this statement valid for everyone? Maybe. Maybe not.

An early birthday gift is the knowledge that no one in my so-called family bothers to keep contact with me to the extent that they don't even have my contact number here in the UK because my only brother reformatted his mobile phone. Good for him.

Should I bother to give them my number again? I wanted to know if I mean anything to them, so I stopped calling home since end of July. Guess what? After three months, they are finally trying to find out what the heck is my mobile number. Apparently, I exist perhaps only once in a blue moon. No wonder from the age of 23, I was told crudely that they assumed I got married in a faraway land just because I chose to stay in a place I was most comfortable and loved. No wonder I was described as a stranger whom my mother no longer knows as daughter. I can give my mobile number a thousand times, but if I am the only one trying to work things out, there's no point. Does anybody even care I am alive or dead?

I am dealing with many things at the moment. Unnecessary accusation that I abandon the family, etc. just because I didn't call home is going to bring me down to the pit.

You can choose to judge me as an ungrateful brat. Honestly, I am too exhausted to want to talk about it anymore. God knows my heart best.

Happy 5th Anniversary in Heaven, Dad!

Source: http://a1.s6img.com/cdn/box_005/post_15/626250_5475478_lz.jpg

This was the psalm I read to my dad 5 years ago when we know it could be his last night on earth. This was the only bible passage one could find hanging in my family home. Yet, it is the same psalm being one of the bible passages which keeps me going after 5 years. The knowledge of his cancer diagnosis shattered me from within, accompanied by some weird allergy rashes daily for that 6 months of his battle with cancer. At that time, I could only let him go if it was his time, as much as I didn't want to. I know he would be in a better place. Nevertheless, grief and sorrow persisted within. Who would guess a person with such strong forefront like me would be heartbroken and in pain? Not even family members who hurled vulgar words at me would understand me I guess. With the strength from God, and the support from some very close friends of mine, I carried on with life.

My dad left us at 7 am, 26th August 2009. Life without him is never the same. He was that silent pillar of mine, shielding me and protecting me from many things which were only uncovered after he was gone. There are many things which I couldn't share publicly. But yeah.. I did love my dad, despite the heated arguments we used to have back home. I still do love him.

He was a multi-talented man: not just an English teacher, but also a swimming instructor, an artist, a chess master, a carpenter, a linguist, a counselor, a breadwinner. From him I received my gift of faith in Christ through his conversion to Catholicism when I was 6. I was baptised together with everyone else in my immediate family. He was a good man with an awfully soft and kind heart. He was my dad and I would always be his baby girl I guess.

A gift I appreciate from my dad was his selfless act of finally letting me go and accompanying it with his blessings when I asked if he'd allow me to go and further my studies when he was sick. It was just another random what-if chat I had with him. I used to have a long-time standing offer to do my MSc. whenever I wanted to from a research institute in Korea. He said he gave me his blessings even if I wanted to go. Of course, I didn't go immediately. I was teaching back then anyway. Though the decision I took to continue working in KK did cause me to know who were my real friends, and who were just thrash whom I discarded. It was a few months later that I lost him to stomach cancer.

Maybe everyone in my family would think I'm pompous and selfish to think this way... Yet, I am very certain my dad would be thrilled if he knew I got the scholarship to further my studies in Europe from Sept 2011 to Sept 2013, and now another funded opportunity to do my PhD here at Cambridge. I could imagine how excited he would be for my achievements. I could imagine how he would want to pick up Skype, email, Facebook, Whatsapp, etc., so that he could communicate with me even if I'm so far away, unlike my current situation now. My dad would be annoyingly persistent about visiting me in Europe for sure. This is only what I could imagine, and I have limited imaginations.

I know he's with Daddy God, praying for me. This brings comfort to me, knowing my dad is with God.

One of the last few photos I took with my dad, back in November 2007. It was nearing his birthday (might be on his birthday), so I bought him a very tiny cake. We already had a birthday dinner some days ago.
Photo courtesy of Victoria Ang, a great friend of mine since forever.

 So yeah...

Happy 5th Anniversary in heaven, late Mr. Augustine Chan Kiew Chai, my beloved dad! Till we meet in heaven, pray for us here on earth.

Europe Countdown: Day 02 - The EVE

I bade farewell to Kota Kinabalu yesterday morning. I felt so strange saying goodbye to the land which I called home for the past nine years. It had been a wonderful 9 years there in KK. My church friends are more like family than friends, and I met so many wonderful women of faith in church. These ladies had made a difference in my life, and I'm sure they too will make a difference in all other people whom they will encounter. My choir master and wife, Fred and Gloria, both of them are my friends whom I saw through the times they care for each other enough to start dating, then engaged, next married and now, starting a young family. Throughout these important periods of their lives, I somewhat was there and am there. The Christmas and Easter Choir practices were always my priority and I truly enjoyed the moments spent with them... Then there are Felix and Yvonne, who had been there since I first joined Lifeline Ministry until this moment. Their kindness reflects the love of Christ to the people around them, and I have been honoured to have met them both. Indeed, God is good to all! There are so many people who have touched my life in KK that if I start to recount, it shall go on and on and on.....

Here in KL, I have a wonderful friend who had put me up everytime I visited. She's Jennifer Lau from Lifeline Ministry SFX. Now I'm blogging from her house while checking if my DVD burner and HDD are working before taking off from Malaysia tomorrow. Seems like I haven't found the right program to play DVD on my Windows 7 basic. Besides Jenn, I have Kiwi, who has never failed to meet me up every time I come to KL. He's like one of the nicest guys I've ever met - the way he pampers me and all.. High chance is he doesn't know it, and I doubt he ever reads my blog. Once in a while I still wonder how come he's so nice to me and yet we never thought of wanting a relationship with each other. Yet I know, God has a plan for me which I need to explore His goodness in my life.

It's getting late. Though there are so much which I'd like to share here, but I guess tonight I'd have to rest a bit. There's the morning taxi to catch later, then check-in at KLIA, and finally the flight to Doha. Bidding goodbyes isn't easy.. Just now I said goodbye to Kiwi on the phone and I felt very sad when I think of leaving behind things and people that I'm familiar with... Yet I know His plan is greater than just this...

Please pray for all World Youth Day Pilgrims who will be going to Spain for this event!

Two Weeks of Holidays..

It's the first Tuesday of the mid term + Raya break, and it feels like I've been having holiday forever. I'm currently blogging from my bro's old Dopod 818 Pro which I brought back with me to KK. A totally fabulous hand-me-down item I'd say, something comparative to a mini netbook, minus the keypad. It comes with wifi, and bluetooth, and infra red devices. Definitely something rare back in the year this phone was produced. Without a simcard, i can still access to internet on the newly installed opera mini. Kinda like it, but there are some errors in this system which requires some aid. High chance the phone has to undergo major brain surgery to get its Windows Mobile reformatted. Now that's tricky..

I'm supposed to be volunteering for the Archdiocesan Youth Festival (PBK) but I realize that things aren't right in my own life. I'm not going to bore you with details of what has gone wrong though. Let's see put it in simple format: God, work, relationships with others. The only thing that's alright and stable is family. Just got back from a weekend in Kluang for my dad's 1st death anniversary (25-29 August), things are ok at home, mom has the company of my relatives, especially my aunty, whose late husband was my mom's brother. So she's doing alright there. My bro's alright too, has a daytime job and some side business in collecting collector's shirts...
So what's with my relationship with God? I need Him more these days, but I sorta become mute after a meetup with a dear friend on National Day. I am put to test when he said I don't know what is real Christianity, and the truth of Salvation. So now I'm on the quest of truth and love as per Jesus' teachings. The 'self' is weak, often tempting me to care for 'self' instead of others. But my deliberate isolation from the previous group of people I used to hang out with is for the sake that I may see clearer of things in life without being judgemental and overly harsh on myself. My previous group of friends are certified good people, but I was crushed by their opinionated suggestions on how I should lead my life and what decisions I should make. So I take leave of the circle but still loving them all the same.
In this new phase of work, I've been tested all the time! From a simple complaint of a teenager leading to the mom's wrath upon me and the head of the school doing nothing but allowing his own staff be humiliated in front of him, to the shock of finding out how much certain individuals are trying to make me leave my workplace. It's no longer a place of joy. Yet ministering to the teens is such joy! Complicated and mixed I have here about my job, really. I do wonder why adults are so complicated! If only we all have the simple faith of a child of 3 years old, completely trusting our Father for protection. Instead, we tend to rely on our ownselves (self-reliance) and enjoy gossiping away our days. Backstabbing too. We do all these out of fear of losing our earthly treasures - position, money, etc. But what do we gain? A sure place of condemnation in hell if we don't repent.
God is love and all about placing us in His plan of salvation. Yet that doesn't mean He will not punish us for our wrongdoings. He sent Jesus to die for our sins, and by His resurrection we are saved. Yet again, our sins committed daily drag us away from Him who saves the world! So daily repentance is required. Our hearts are hardened by sins so sometimes it's hard for us to comprehend His love and the need for repentance plus discipline from God as we are His children. It's all for love...

So this is where I am at.

Pax vobiscum.

P/S: JOANNE, I miss your presence here. I'm glad you update your blog always. Have a great time in Melaka. God bless!

R.I.P. My Beloved Dad

This is an overdue entry... I should have written this long ago, but I never really talked myself into really writing it. Anyway, to start with it, I think my mom is going to kill me if she ever finds out that I took photos in funeral parlour. Finally I feel at peace of writing it, because his death is a symbol of eternal life with Christ, and with this, we should rejoice and cast out the fear of death. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not grieving or I'm alright and able to move on from the loss of my beloved dad. I know where he is right now is definitely better than what he had been through for the past 6 months battling with advanced gastric cancer.

My dad was rested in a pure white coffin, and everything was just so pristine.

His sufferings were joined with Christ's. I liked the arrangement where the Cross was in front before my dad's coffin. It is like my dad laying down to rest at the feet of Jesus.

Though it seemed bare, but my dad had lived a dignified life for sure.

His favourite flowers were orchids, so I got Aunty Kat to put orchids for his basket of flowers and around his photos.

Now it's story time... My dad's name is Augustine Chan, and he was born on 12 November 1947 and died on 26 August 2009 at the age of 62. A teacher by profession since the age of 19, he had many students as a government school teacher would have. Besides teaching, he also did counselling and discipline, and had been a full-time counsellor before for about 4 years in government school.

Here's a snippet of what I had written during on of those mornings of 17 August 2009 (about 10 days before his departure). I did not do a eulogy for my dad during his funeral mass, and I felt I owed him this...

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All girls' first love is their fathers! And how my dad is will always be a guideline of how I should choose my future husband.

My dad is not a perfect man, but he's a man worth my utter respect and love. All these years, both my parents persevered to keep the family together. There were endless arguments, but never physical fights, only hurling of words (not-so-nice ones). There were frustrations, but there were also many happy moments. I remember the fishing trips to the rivers, the trips to Tioman Island where my dad would catch us tiny crabs and put them in glass bottles, the fireflies he would catch for me and kept in cassette boxes, the visits to his school libraries to borrow a stream of Enid Blyton's books. Not only that, the visit to Sabah in 2004 was pure fun though there were "situations" (the Kancil I rented broke down half way to Pekan Nabalu and had to ask for help from a lorry to tow it to the workshop in Kundasang).

My dad never failed to amaze me with his talents -- he could dance, probably sway and jazz and cha-cha and quick steps and samba, he could play music - organ, guitar, harmonica, probably drums and tambourines too. He could write lovely essays as an English teacher, he draws water colour drawings without the need to use a pencil to sketch. He too has green fingers, where all plants come alive with his touch. He's an athlete - swimming, chess player... My dad has a heart of gold, will never leave a person who needs help behind.

All these are basics for me to look at a future husband material. Besides that, that man would have to love his parents and family too. Where do I find such a man? Only God can give me such a gift. No one else but Him alone.
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Yeah, my dad was a talented man, jack of all trades for sure. He knew a lot and many friends of mine who had the encounter talking to my dad would say that he's a wise man with a lot to share. Of course, my relationship with my dad sometimes could be more sour than sweet... We're so alike, and shared the same stubbornness that will make a mule faint. LOL! Well, despite the clashes, he's still my loving ol' man. It was painful for me to let him go, especially after the Inner Healing & Transformation Seminar, I was ready to set into the "building & renewing my relationship with my dad" mode, only to find him diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer (stage 4) confirmed on 3 March 2009 via intraoperative method. But I knew that the Lord has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me (cf. Jeremiah 29:11)... And definitely for all others too, including my dad.

Oh yeah... To my friends who are concerned about me being single and all who happened to be reading this... Yes, I AM searching for a life partner, but until this moment nobody actually comes up to me and tells me, "Know what, Cindy, I like you and would like to enter into a courtship for marriage with you for who you are." I would love to have this kind of marriage proposal, but God decides, God leads the right man into my life lahh! Hence, stop being curious about me. Ahakz! I will trust in the Lord my God continuously, who brings me through it when He brought me to it. Whatever circumstance it may be, because He had proved Himself a Loving Father, a faithful God.

If a person asks, "How are you?" or "How have you been?", there is always an answer of "I'm ok" or "I'm not ok". Don't be cheated by my composed outlook at many times, somewhere deep inside me, I'm as human as you are. (In case you think I'm an alien in disguise. LOL!)

Stomach Adenocarcinoma with Peritoneal Seedlings

Look at this picture:

What do you think it is???

Is this one clearer to you what it is?

Well, adenocarcinoma is a type of cancer which involves glandular cells. Stomach is where gastric juice is released for food digestion. Why do I talk about all these? Just to clear the fog or mist for individuals who might have been curious where the heck I was during the one-month long sabbatical break from blog, from work, from everywhere else... My dad was diagnosed with stomach adenocarcinoma on 11 Feb 2009. He was scheduled for a total gastrectomy on 3 Mar 2009 in JB HSA, and I flew back home on 24 Feb 2009 to be with my family. Sadly to say, the operation was abandoned when the surgeon found peritoneal seedlings. Layman's term: The operating doctor opened my dad up and closed him back when they noted that my dad's cancer had spreaded.

Then come the agony and pain for my dad. Though in 1st Class Ward (he was a retired government teacher, thus the benefit), he was depressed. The operating surgeon abandoned him and psychologically, my dad felt abandoned by the doctors who gave him high hopes of healing and survival prior to the operation until the extend that my dad refused 2nd opinion in other places. He trusted the surgeons so much that us as his family members had no choice but to comply to his belief that the doctors are good enough for him already.

During his stay in HSA, the surgeon only came to visit him once. Every other day she sent her medical officers who couldn't tell us anything. No further explanation was given, except the oncologist appointment on 23 Mar 2009. It was a stretch on unknown for 20 days? Yes, it was how "efficient" it was in JB. It was due to the fact that there is only ONE oncologist in the whole JB. My dad was discharged on 8 Mar 2009. His vomiting started on the same day as well, not forgetting the super-bad-temper-scolding-people-without-reason kind of attitude once arrived home. I know he was feeling damned awful about everything. In the hospital, he questioned me, "Why am I suffering?" and "Why so many groups had been praying for me yet I am not healed?" but I could not answer what he wants to know. Listening to him saying he wants to sleep forever, I became scared and at loss.

I was back at home two days earlier and I had been thinking long on his survival rate if ever the tumour blocks his stomach passage. I never thought it could really happen if it were not to be the 2nd opinion with surgeon in UMMC on 11 Mar 2009. She confirmed my question on this theory of mine that my dad would starve to death instead of dying from cancer if we didn't do anything to unblock his stomach passage. Thus the second admission for my dad to hospital on 12 Mar 2009 after his gastroscopy, whereby the gastroenterologist used some sort of balloon technique to enlarge the lumen and laser to remove some of the obstructing tumour so that my dad could continue feeding.

A new batch of struggles came into place for my family, because there were three separate suggestions proposed by the surgeon in order to prolong and improve my dad's quality of life. One, to continue doing the technique mentioned above every 3 weeks as the cancer will eventually block his stomach passage again until his stomach hardened or burst during the scope. Two, to agree to be operated again as the surgeon saw a stretch of oesophagus still clear from cancer cells from inside but can only be done if the outer layer of the location is also clear. Three, chemotherapy to shrink the tumour. My family, without the knowledge of my dad yet, decided that operation is the best option, but after breaking the news to him, he refused to be operated on the basis it is painful and he doesn't want to go through the pain again. At first I was completely stunned by his choice, but after praying about it, I've decided to submit to him, who is the daddy my Daddy God gave me. Looking at the Giver, the best thing to do is to submit to my dad, the gift.

My dad was in the hospital for a week due to the pain he felt after laser. And he was also on morphine syrup as pain control. How painful we felt when we see him frowning and jerking to wake during his sleep as the morphine's effect subsided! Then came the possibility that he could be clinically depressed because he refused to talk and think. All he wanted was to sleep and when he was awake, he complained of pain and that he's dying. I know he's down the road of negativity. Nothing seemed to revive him. Not even us being there anymore. He agreed on meeting and talking with psychiatrist, thus we got the surgeon to arrange him to talk to one. But after his meetup with the psychiatrist, he told us that the doctor was just telling him how to prepare to die. He refused follow up with the doctor.

Prior to his 2nd opinion in UMMC, we brought him to TCM centre of Putra Hospital, Melaka to see a doctor who specialises in chinese medicine. Paid the money for treatment and medications for a month. I managed to arrange for my dad to stay in St. Peter's Church, Melaka, which is directly opposite Putra Hospital. Thank God for the grace and His kindness. My dad is currently in Melaka with my mom for daily acupuncture. He has appointments with the UMMC surgeon, thus will have to travel to and fro KL every now and then. Ever since he was discharged from UMMC, he refused to talk or think, even drinking or eating becomes a topic of refusal with the reason he feels painful when he eats/drinks. We all know he's depressed, disappointed and everything, but nobody could help him if he chooses not to help himself. It hurts everytime when I called and he said he doesn't want to talk and he feels like he's dying. It was already like that even before I had decided to fly back to continue working. There's nothing we can do besides praying for him to come out of darkness at this point...

As for financial status of my family... My dad, as a non-graduate retired teacher, he is drawing a pension, which is currently used by my brother as his living allowances in KL while studying in a private college there. My mom has resigned from all her jobs, thus left me with a monthly income. Our first thought when we know my dad's cancer spread was that I leave everything here in KK and go back to take care of my dad while my mom continues working. But things changed when my dad requires daily acupuncture in Melaka that would need my mom to stop working completely to be with my dad. After discussing with my mom, we've decided that I will come back to KK to work and give her monthly allowance until further notice, since I could go back quite often due to school holidays.

Nevertheless, there are many people telling me what I should do and what I should have done. Some told me directly, which I truly appreciate it, but some decided reaching out to me or changing my mind is an impossible task, thus chatting about it on MSN became their comfort. I know they meant well, and I know they had been curious why I am back in KK to work when my dad is verified to be dying. I also know that they care, that's why they are curious and discussed about it. But I am also curious why they need to discuss about it when they could have directly asked me. I was given explanation that I would give them 101 reasons of why I'm staying back in KK without acknowledging there is something deeper which needs to be solved. Whether or not that is really the reason they talked about it or being slightly-off-the-warmth because the fact I'm here instead of being at the side of my dying father, I'm letting it go now. Is the problem only me alone and my prodigal attitude? Or is the problem two-way and a form refusal to communicate and trust? I don't have enough strength to be upset about what they think of me for too long. A night, a morning and an afternoon are more than enough.

Just to let you who had been chatting about it on MSN/Facebook/YM, I'm forgiving you for discussing about it without coming to me to ask me what the heck my tiny pea brain is thinking. And do forgive me that I'm not able to comply to what you think that I should do and should have done and I'm insensitive to realise you don't agree with my decision thus the coolness between us arise. I'm sorry for creating waves of discomfort here.

I think I shared enough to let you who read my blog know me and my current condition and also my dad who is very chronically ill. I'm currently back in KK to work until my next trip back on 30 Apr to 4 May 2009. Till then, I'll continue updating the blog with my bits and pieces from the tiny pea brain. Any changes will be shared if I find it necessary. Thanks for reading such a long entry. It's been a while, thus the practice required.

God Bless and thanks for all your prayers!

Notice for Readers

Hi people... Sorry for not updating my blog much these days... FYI, I might not be posting so many entries in the days to come. Many things are happening in my life, especially my family, so in the times of uncertainty, my emotions become hazzled, and I think certain thoughts of mine are unsuitable for public view. I'll try to update as often as I can though... We see how God leads me to share...

Hmm... Something struck me as I checked on my Friendster... I had stopped FaceBook already... I probably will be able to declare that I'm "clear" from FaceBook after this 19 February 2009 (90 days clearance). Currently I'm still quite active in Friendster, and a private group that I'm in. I used to be the founder but due to certain unforseen circumstance, I had to give it up to another until further notice. I notice some recent "disturbances" that will eventually cause me to stop checking FS group.

"I just want peace, leave me and my comfort zone alone, intruder! You have your zone already, so please leave me and my zone alone, I beg you!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Please pray for me. That intruder's shadow is getting on my already-weakened nerves! :( To avoid it I stopped FB completely, now have to consider stopping FS because of the same cause. Dang!

I'm like a withered sunflower these few days. I pray God will save me fast before I sink into the sea of emotions... God help me!!!!!!

Kiki, The Chipin

KIKI the Chipin

I just found out that high chances the cutie at home in Johor is a Chipin (chihuahua/miniature pinscher hybrid). Apparently this hybrid is a type of recognized mutt and rather popular, but many things remain unknown, until I find more info online...

This is Kiki and myself on 13 Dec before I left for Senai Airport. One of his "still" moments, since he was sleepy already when I played with him...

Kiki is one of the most adorable creature I've ever met... He's 3-month old, born somewhere in September 2008 and brought back to my house on my birthday... My parents told me he was the size of a palm when he first arrived. Now, he's about 30 cm long, with a cute waggy tail. Being so small, he has pride the size of an elephant (in his "territory"). But out of his territory, he shivers and trembles so much that he's like a massager on my hand. He knows where to pee and poo most of the time, but when he's too excited, he has problem controlling his bladder. He loves drinking water from the tub in the toilet, and apparently my dad had the belief that Kiki doesn't drink water, until the day I arrived and found that Kiki has this thing for the water from the tub. Toilet water drinker. LOL!

My lovely mom and Kiki... Now they are best friends~~

Kiki loves to cuddle and nibble our fingers... And knows when my mom is back. If he happens to be outside of his "box" or "basket" he would be waiting at the staircase from the living room to the kitchen. My mom who wasn't a dog lover herself is now mesmerized by Kiki. He loves climbing onto my lap if I sit on the floor. However, I'm suspecting he has "attention deficit disorder" because he would never be able to be still and until now he could not learn to "sit", "stay", "roll", etc... I guess it takes time~~~ Well, I've tried taking him out for a walk, but he trembled so much that he wouldn't move when I put him on the floor. All he did was to stay there with legs apart and shivered like crazy. I wonder where was his elephant-size pride at that moment.

Kiki and his chewing bone at dad's rocking chair on his favourite spot of the green floor mat...

O ya, not forgetting, he will hide under my dad's rocking chair (Kiki's refuge) whenever my mom slaps him with a rolled one-piece-of-newspaper. Besides that, anything to play or to eat, he has this thing to carry it under the chair, or minimum to the green carpet at the rocking chair. Haha! Indeed, that is Kiki's refuge!!

I've uploaded a video of Kiki drinking from the bath with my dad. LOL! He's so small and my dad seemed so huge with him. I wonder what is there with the water that Kiki loves it so much... Hehe! I've also uploaded a video on Youtube.

I shall upload more about Kiki when I'm free... Still have so much to talk about... I wonder how big Kiki will grow?? I guess only time will tell... They said Chipin can live about 12-15 years~ Wow!

Till then... God bless!