R.I.P. My Beloved Dad

This is an overdue entry... I should have written this long ago, but I never really talked myself into really writing it. Anyway, to start with it, I think my mom is going to kill me if she ever finds out that I took photos in funeral parlour. Finally I feel at peace of writing it, because his death is a symbol of eternal life with Christ, and with this, we should rejoice and cast out the fear of death. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not grieving or I'm alright and able to move on from the loss of my beloved dad. I know where he is right now is definitely better than what he had been through for the past 6 months battling with advanced gastric cancer.

My dad was rested in a pure white coffin, and everything was just so pristine.

His sufferings were joined with Christ's. I liked the arrangement where the Cross was in front before my dad's coffin. It is like my dad laying down to rest at the feet of Jesus.

Though it seemed bare, but my dad had lived a dignified life for sure.

His favourite flowers were orchids, so I got Aunty Kat to put orchids for his basket of flowers and around his photos.

Now it's story time... My dad's name is Augustine Chan, and he was born on 12 November 1947 and died on 26 August 2009 at the age of 62. A teacher by profession since the age of 19, he had many students as a government school teacher would have. Besides teaching, he also did counselling and discipline, and had been a full-time counsellor before for about 4 years in government school.

Here's a snippet of what I had written during on of those mornings of 17 August 2009 (about 10 days before his departure). I did not do a eulogy for my dad during his funeral mass, and I felt I owed him this...

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All girls' first love is their fathers! And how my dad is will always be a guideline of how I should choose my future husband.

My dad is not a perfect man, but he's a man worth my utter respect and love. All these years, both my parents persevered to keep the family together. There were endless arguments, but never physical fights, only hurling of words (not-so-nice ones). There were frustrations, but there were also many happy moments. I remember the fishing trips to the rivers, the trips to Tioman Island where my dad would catch us tiny crabs and put them in glass bottles, the fireflies he would catch for me and kept in cassette boxes, the visits to his school libraries to borrow a stream of Enid Blyton's books. Not only that, the visit to Sabah in 2004 was pure fun though there were "situations" (the Kancil I rented broke down half way to Pekan Nabalu and had to ask for help from a lorry to tow it to the workshop in Kundasang).

My dad never failed to amaze me with his talents -- he could dance, probably sway and jazz and cha-cha and quick steps and samba, he could play music - organ, guitar, harmonica, probably drums and tambourines too. He could write lovely essays as an English teacher, he draws water colour drawings without the need to use a pencil to sketch. He too has green fingers, where all plants come alive with his touch. He's an athlete - swimming, chess player... My dad has a heart of gold, will never leave a person who needs help behind.

All these are basics for me to look at a future husband material. Besides that, that man would have to love his parents and family too. Where do I find such a man? Only God can give me such a gift. No one else but Him alone.
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Yeah, my dad was a talented man, jack of all trades for sure. He knew a lot and many friends of mine who had the encounter talking to my dad would say that he's a wise man with a lot to share. Of course, my relationship with my dad sometimes could be more sour than sweet... We're so alike, and shared the same stubbornness that will make a mule faint. LOL! Well, despite the clashes, he's still my loving ol' man. It was painful for me to let him go, especially after the Inner Healing & Transformation Seminar, I was ready to set into the "building & renewing my relationship with my dad" mode, only to find him diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer (stage 4) confirmed on 3 March 2009 via intraoperative method. But I knew that the Lord has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me (cf. Jeremiah 29:11)... And definitely for all others too, including my dad.

Oh yeah... To my friends who are concerned about me being single and all who happened to be reading this... Yes, I AM searching for a life partner, but until this moment nobody actually comes up to me and tells me, "Know what, Cindy, I like you and would like to enter into a courtship for marriage with you for who you are." I would love to have this kind of marriage proposal, but God decides, God leads the right man into my life lahh! Hence, stop being curious about me. Ahakz! I will trust in the Lord my God continuously, who brings me through it when He brought me to it. Whatever circumstance it may be, because He had proved Himself a Loving Father, a faithful God.

If a person asks, "How are you?" or "How have you been?", there is always an answer of "I'm ok" or "I'm not ok". Don't be cheated by my composed outlook at many times, somewhere deep inside me, I'm as human as you are. (In case you think I'm an alien in disguise. LOL!)

Save the Last Dance (2001)

As I've posted earlier on, I found my old stack of burned CDs somewhere in a paper bag covered with dust. How glad I am to have found that precious collection of movies of mine! I love watching movies, and there are some which will forever stay as my constant favourites. Well, one of them is "Save the Last Dance" starred by Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas. What I really like about this movie? Like what the movie tag I saw on the image: "The Only Person You Need to be is Yourself."

Many-a-times, we tend to be "plastic people" even in our own home and ministry. Last night as I shared with a sister after LifeNite, it was like a sudden realization how "plastic" we can become as we mature into adulthood. And without a channel to let out all these plasticity in life, we will eventually become human wax. Why so? When the sun comes out and shines upon us, our personality melts, like how wax melts under intense heat about the melting temperature of the wax. What is left is a puddle of formless wax dried up when the sun goes down in the midst of nowhere. And there goes our life!!!?! No way I'd be the human wax!!! I made a decision to choose a different path (like how Robert Frost described his life journey in "A Road Not Taken"). I chose to remain real even when it means people think of me otherwise.

Perhaps many will say I'm just a fool, but I'd rather be a fool for God than to be a plastic people. I may be misunderstood often, but I know my life will never be faked, even when people accuse me of being temperamental and strange. I know I am me, and I'm known to my Father in Heaven as who I'm called to be. Though life can be a struggle, but it is beautiful to struggle for a reason as big as meeting God at the end of the journey in life. And I want to be prepared for such a meeting with Him when it is my time to meet God.

So, dear friends, be who you are, because that's all you need to be. As what Jesus said immediately to His apostles when they were terrified seeing him walking across the lake one night, "Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid." (cf. Matthew 14:27), we should not be afraid to be ourselves. It will not be easy, but all things are possible with God (cf. Matthew 19:26).

Till then... God bless!

The Power of Love

Happy and blessed Easter to all of you!!! Today's topic is the Power of Love. What kind of love will I be discussing? What did the Archbishop say during his homily on Easter Vigil? Well, the love I'll be discussing is the scandalous love of Jesus for mankind. The kind of love that brought Him death, and death is not enough, but death on the cross. That's the most shameful way to die during the Roman empire.

Look at this image I found via Google search. The caption is "If you get wet, you'll get sick." I guess the Lord knows this much better than any of us, especially the getting wet, getting sick part. He chose to come down and live as man on earth. He knew of His mission of being on earth, living and preaching and dying. He knows He will suffer this death in order to grant us mercy. Knowing He'll go through all these, He still came. Knowing He'll be executed by dying on the cross, He still stayed at where He was, asking God to take the chalice away from Him. When God did not answer Him, Jesus stayed to face the death. How courageous is our Lord!!!

By His death, we receive life. By His grace, we receive love. Bishop, in his homily, started with a question: "What is the core value of our faith? What do we believe in?" Simple words, we believe in the power of love, and that's what the whole Triduum we had celebrated last week is all about -- Jesus' love that conquers sin and death.

In life, we often stop and ponder the same question: What's my eyes searching for? Where will my journey lead me to? What am I doing on earth? And Bishop's explanation is that people (everybody, including those we read in New Testament) is constantly searching for something. The Samaritan woman? The lame man at the pool? They are looking for something, but nothing can fill up that thirst they have, because that thirst is the thirst for the love of God. In the first reading last night from Genesis, man was created in the image of God, thus man will always thirst for God's love. Nothing can satisfy that thirst until we come to search for God. A quote from St. Augustine speaks of this: "Our hearts are made for you, O God, and they shall never rest until they rest in You." Bishop said that although we're constantly seeking for God, God is also searching for us in order to give us His love. He is also making that journey to seek us to offer us the love. The act of Jesus dying on the cross for mankind shows that God goes all out to give us the love.

One thing that made me pondered after mass was about our baptism. I wasn't baptised on Easter Vigil that time, but when Bishop directed the points specially for those who will be baptised, I felt touched by the hands of God. He mentioned that when we're baptised, the transformation occurs so that we can be changed and be the children of God. He specifically mentioned about the reading from the gospel of St. Mark about the resurrection of Christ. When the women went to the tomb, they did not find Jesus. Instead, they found a young man dressed in white robe sitting on the stone. He told the women to pass the message to the disciples so that they will go to Galilee, where Jesus will be there to wait for them. This event happened on the first day of the week, and Jesus has resurrected on that day. Thus, in our modernised concept, what I would summarise of Bishop's statement is that the beginning of new life for those who believe in Christ is the day after baptism where we're raised from the death with Jesus.

The second point of the Gospel passage was about the young man in white robe. Remember a young man who was following Jesus after He was arrested by the guards? The man who ran away naked when the guards seized him? This was the same young man dressed in white robe at the entrance of the tomb. This young man came back. So, the question is this: WHO IS HE? Bishop's explanation is that this young man is the newly baptised Christians. Before baptised, we run away from Jesus (just like how the young man ran away from Jesus) but now he's back and he believes in Christ. He has a message for all his disciples to meet Jesus in Galillee. The Lord had ever said that He will gather His disciples in Galillee and the mission to spread the good news started there. And so, us, as baptised Christians, we have already encountered Jesus and be transformed. And if we have been transformed, then we must begin to preach and bring this message to others.

We will have the faith if we have experience the love of God. How do we express our faith to God? My first thought when Bishop asked was "trust in God". But when he gave the answer, I begin to realize that I do experience what he said. Bishop said "GRATITUDE" has to be experienced if we want to know if we have that faith. All the love of God, after we experience it, will generate a feeling of thankfulness. And if we, at that point of time, have yet to feel thankful, we must then pray for transformation to change our heart of stone into heart of flesh. He cited the example of St. Paul (Saul of Tarsus) and how he had written about his gratitude to God when he felt like giving up. God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weaknesses..." (2 Corinthians 12:9) Indeed, it was because of that grace of God towards Paul that we have so many wise epistles and letters written by the intelligent apostle St. Paul.

Am I still making sense after such a long post, my dears? Last point of reflection whenever we renew our baptismal vows as a renewal of our faith is this: Are we at the tomb dressed in white robe? Are we thankful to God or not?

I am glad, I am thankful. Though I'm not perfect and never will be, I'm thankful He is with me.

Happy Easter once again. God bless.

Thy Will Be Done

How many-a-times we prayed "Thy will be done" and then fret over a matter that we've been praying? Me... Countless times!! How many times we complain how we're suffering? Many of us have at least one account to tell about how life made him/her suffer, but have we ever looked into the suffering of Christ before telling our sufferings? I've done many of the above mentioned, except looking deeply into the sufferings He bore for me.

During the Good Friday's homily, Archbishop John Lee was our celebrant and he shared deeply about Christ's suffering for us. All the three readings for Good Friday (Isaiah 52:13 - 53:12; Hebrews 4:14-16, 5:7-9; John 18:1 - 19:42) spoke about how Jesus suffered for our sins. A question Bishop posted to us was this: Have you ever look at the face of Jesus? What kind of face that Jesus has in your life?

He mentioned that this face of Jesus during Good Friday is a face full of spittle, full of wounds, full of blood, crowned with thorns. He suffered so much because of our sins. Are we touched by Jesus for the sorrows of our sins? Lenten season is a season of conversion... "Have I come back? Am I touched? Are we opened for conversion? Are we coming back?" This is the day for us all to experience the saving power of God and we have to respond to the grace so that our sins will be wiped away. During veneration of the cross, we have to remember the sinful person we are and that's the cross Jesus bore for us. So if we embrace the cross, we'll be saved.

The highlight for me came at the point where Bishop touched on the issue of suffering and our attitude towards suffering. We should look at the faith that Jesus has during suffering. He did not give up even when He did not receive the answer from God when He cried out to God in the garden of Gethsamane, on the cross. He still responded with "Thy will be done", which is a total submission into the hands of His Father. All of us have sufferings even when we don't want it. We have pain, sicknesses, problems in family, etc. Many of the sufferings come from sins, but some are just there. Even when there's no answer from God, we have to look at what did Jesus do at the garden of Gethsamane and at the cross. If Jesus had waited for an answer from God and did not submit, there wouldn't be salvation in the history. Sometimes, we do whatever we can, but in the end, we have to say "Thy will be done" and that's when salvation comes. Truly, Bishop answered my question about how we should face sufferings in life...

Besides that, we must die because as stated in the bible, "Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." (John 12:24). It reminds me of somebody who ever told me about the parable of "The Seed". However, in this context, what I can understand is that the price of transformation is a total giving up of self to God and then only salvation comes and sweeps us off our feet.

Another part of Bishop's homily which made me pondered at that moment was when he mentioned about St. John's narration of the Passion in the Gospel of John. The phrase used by Bishop that really made me interested to continue listening was, "In St. John's gospel, by that passion of Jesus, He has the whole control over the whole economy of salvation and He showed His Majesty." (or something like that...) The economy of salvation... I hope I didn't get it wrongly, so people, if you were in SHC listening to Bishop's homily, correct me if it's wrong. He mentioned that St. John never narrated anything to see that Jesus isn't under control. St. John never mentioned about Jesus keeping silence, or supportive women... etc. But he mentioned about what Pilate written of Jesus' charge - "JESUS, THE NAZARENE, KING OF THE JEWS". It also showed the control of Jesus over the situation by stating that when Jesus has seen that all is done according the the scriptures, He said to the Father, "Into Your hands I comment my spirit. It is accomplished." Because all is done, thus the salvation through Jesus is completed. Jesus also gave Mary to John as his mother, and John to Mary as her son. It is, in fact, the first sign of community.

So, us, created in the image of God, should look at Jesus and ask Him to show His face to us. Besides that, we have to be grateful to the Lord and ask to be transformed to the way of God through the cross...

This is not all of what Bishop had mentioned during his homily, just bits and parcel of it. Especially parts that struck me hard. As I walked to the cross during veneration, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of man is this who had the strength to carry all the sins of the world. Imagine myself committing a sin, I'd have felt that tonnes of burdens on my shoulder already. How could this man carry the sins of the whole world, my sins in my entire life? But because Jesus is man and God, and His willingness to carry them for us all, He did it. And salvation was completed. The prophecy of old is fulfilled. Amen to the scandalous love of Christ! Amen to the salvation of mankind! Amen to our Lord who submitted and called out "Thy will be done!"