Europe Countdown: Day 39

I wrote this on 30th June 2011 morning....

Oops.. I missed out DAY 40. It was yesterday. Okay, now the official announcement which was meant for yesterday....

I RECEIVED OFFER TO STUDY ERASMUS MUNDUS MASTERS IN FORENSIC SCIENCE, SO I AM LEAVING MALAYSIA TO EUROPE OFFICIALLY ON 8TH AUGUST 2011.

This is a JOYFUL news for me, as I have always been good with my research skills and would love to return to research... For five years I have contemplated about leaving the country due to the many excuses I gave myself. Yet, beyond all the excuses I have made, I knew that deep down, God's plan is greater than what I can see. So, this time round, I found myself without any excuse to say NO to Him again. Instead, I give myself the chance to trust in God's plan in my life.

Last year September, I had a long chat with Felix and Yvonne, two great friends who have been there for me since 2006 when I first joined Lifeline Ministry. It has been a long and wonderful journey with them both. The chat with me caused me to think further and deeper in my future. My question then was "Am I doing what I am called to do?" and also "Have I been using my talents which God has given to me?" Sadly speaking, I did not. I started making steps towards living my life to the fullest, which  means I have to live and use the God-given talents I have to let His light shine through me. I know I am capable to get my further degrees done if I want to. And yes, I have been passionate about my research projects etc, so I know eventually, I will be happier if I follow the passion I have...

There's this story about the Baby Camel and the Mama Camel which I heard from Derek Chong, our church youth coordinator cum my life coach during Jumpstart seminar.... It's applicable to all wild animals kept in zoo. We, the human beings, want to keep them safe and provide chances for our future generations to see these endangered species. Yet, we forgot that God creates each animal to be special and specific to their living environment. When we are put in a place where our specific talents are used, we thrive despite difficulties, and we will be happy. When we are not, then the opposite occurs. It is not that I am not happy being a private secondary school teacher, but I know there is more than just this in me. So, I need to start exploring them once again.

I applied to both Gwangju Institute of Science and Technology in South Korea and also Erasmus Mundus programs (in fact I applied for three Erasmus programs). I was pretty sure I will be going to Korea as I was in the reserved list for EM Masters in Forensic Science when the results was out in April. Yet, the Lord has His plan for me. In mid May, I received an email from the program coordinator asking if I am still interested to take up the grant offer. I took the chance since I did not hear anything from GIST yet. Only by end of May they informed me that the position is mine and all I need to do was to proceed with visa application. For the information My naive mind thought that going overseas was as easy as ABC, and I was very wrong as there are many bureaucratic steps to be taken and trips to KL had to be planned and executed.

Now, I am in the process of getting my Certificate of Good Conduct from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and the Non-Objection Certificate from Ministry of Higher Education so that I can proceed with the visa application with the Embassy of Spain. Fingers crossed that I will be able to get the certs when I go to KL in mid-July. Though worried, I know now I have to rely on God for His divine intervention. With God, all things are possible.

Another problem arising which I hope I can somewhat solve prior to my flight to Madrid will be the location of my extra luggages. I hope I can place my luggage in Cordoba (where I shall be for the first 6 months of my studies), but keeping them in Madrid will be equally sufficient. In fact, I'm on the "as long as there is a safe place to keep my luggage for 1 month" mode... Another challenge will be to get everything settled prior to my last departure from KK on 6th August morning - the car, the boxes of stuffs, extra clothes to give away, things to send back to Johor, bills and letters from insurance companies, mobile service providers, Streamyx... A LONG list of things to do in fact. Is there anyone who can assist me please???

So now, in the midst of all these I still have work to do. And now, to break the news to the students so that they will not be too surprised of my depart. Oh well, knowing them, they wouldn't care. But I still have the responsibility to inform them. So, nope, I am not abandoning them. It's just that I have something which my priority in life right now. And I want to know what God has in His plan for me.

Europe Countdown: Day 41

One day 24 hours. It is considered half a day is gone when 13 hours had passed. I didn't blog last night because I was at my friend's grandpa's funeral wake. My condolence to the Shim family for the loss of their grandpa. I met grandpa Shim once last year when I visited their family house in Kudat. He was a very nice, chirpy old man, who cared for his grandchildren a lot - especially when it comes to their marriage. Haha. I remember that night he nagged about his eldest grandson to his grand daughter, my friend. I'm sure grandpa Shim knew and was assured about the girl the grandson has chosen to be his future wife.

I went out with some Couchsurfing friends, Tom from UK and Elena from KK last Sunday. After Sunday mass, I brought Tom for some local Indian food in Sri Latha, then met up with Elena to tag along to Kadazan wedding reception. Tom had never been to a local wedding, hence the visit. It was fun. After that, we went to 1Borneo for a short walk, and then to UMS jetty and ODEC beach to await the sunset. It was awesome day out, concluded after dinner in Emperor's Delight. Yummy dumpling, and hand-made noodles.

Yesterday was a normal day. Started drowsily as how every working day is, after dragging myself to my feet, washed up and started work... In the evening I went over to UMS to pick up a verification letter, and yummy food for "lunner" (lunch+dinner). I was drowsy again by the time it was 6pm, so I just laid on the bed while waiting for time to go for prayers for the repose of the soul of grandpa Shim.

When I was at the funeral reciting the prayers, I was reminded of my dad's funeral wake. Pretty emotional for me at that moment, but I managed to swallow everything inside then. I didn't cry much when my dad passed away. It was not because I wasn't sad losing my dad, but more like I couldn't feel much then. I was in a shock, I guess. How would I know that my school holidays which was meant to be spent with my family, turned out to be a funeral? Though terminal stage of cancer is equivalent to death itself, but my last visit home in July 2009, my dad seemed strong... So yeah... I lost the one and only extinct species of dad. And the loss is there, always. Nobody at home seemed to understand the difficulty I felt about going home. Nobody around me either. Pointing fingers became the norm of any society. Well, I can't stop people from wagging their tongues.

Two years later... Here I am, blogging about it, wondering if I am running away from my true self, and escaping from reality of life. Perhaps it's just my hormone speaking now.....

I shall continue day 41 by going to a 30-min chat with my life coach friend, then a good sleep and prayers in Fook Luk Siew for the repose of the soul of grandpa Shim.

P/S: It's DAY 40 tomorrow. Time to let the cat out of the bag!

Europe Countdown: Day 43

I actually missed out about 4 days of counting down to my Europe journey... Let's recount what happened over the long, missing days... First was the vocal training by Mrs. Simon Chan from Singapore. It was a really good experience to be taught how to sing properly. As much as I didn't agree on certain issues which she raised up about choirs in Catholic Church, but I'm totally grateful to her willingness to teach a bunch of choir members who do not know how to read notes and the difference between crescendo and crochet. I know we must have frustrated her a lot - the high notes which we did not hit, the inability to get what she was trying to say, etc. Two nights of vocal training, and finally my throat gave up on me and started acting up - the sorethroat and cough became apparent, partly thanks to the crazy weather in KK.

Yesterday was more of a day of resting and then in the evening was Mass and choir performance. In the morning there was report card day in school. I've expected more parents to turn up, but I'm rather disappointed with the outcome. Only half the parents turned up... The performance went without a glitch...

*yawn* I'm just too sleepy to continue... I shall blog about the real Day 43 tomorrow then.

Good night! God bless you always...

Europe Countdown: Day 47

Another day has passed without a trace. As time draws near, every single day becomes precious. I'm still feeling a bit way too exhausted since my KL trip. I know the next trip is coming up very soon and I would have to replenish my energy prior to my trip. Gosh... I wish and I pray that my cert of good conduct will be issued soon. Then at least I can proceed with the visa application and be more restful at night. I've been worrying way too much. When will the date of completion be? I hope it's exactly by the time I fly to KL next month...

I'm so getting sick with the heat and all. I can't really concentrate at work and tend to miss out details which are important. This is so unfair for the people whom I'm reaching out to....

I was supposed to watch X-Men this afternoon to unwind, but I ended up watching a real cool sci-fi movie - Green Lantern - because I made a mistake on the time of the show. Well, knowing nothing about the movie, it was unexpectedly good. In fact, it reminds me of Inception and Avatar. Yeah, I believe it'd be more awesome if it's in 3D format, but I didn't want to spend extra monies on 3D. I bought a nice bag which I will use for traveling, and some cheap cotton socks. It was RM13 for 3 pairs of cotton socks in F.O.S. with 20% discount. So I bought like 6 pairs of the same kind... It shall last me for two years (fingers crossed). I'd need woolen socks if it gets too cold for sure, but that I will get it later on.

Time to rest. Tomorrow onwards I shall try my best to attend daily masses. It becomes so easy to skip mass after a period of time of absence from daily mass.... I am spiritual, charismatic, and yes, religious because I go to church and I believe the teachings of the Church are in accordance to Jesus' teachings, but our eyes are always filled with logs but we could see the tiny speck of dust of another.

God bless all!

Europe Countdown: Day 48

Tick tock! Tick tock! Time is drawing nearer each day.

There are another 47 days before I fly to Europe. Let's recount my day 48 in Malaysia. I went out for an hour to pick up Mel and then headed down to ATI for Erasmus Mundus Association networking meeting. However, we were disappointed because the college staffs informed us that they never even heard of this program, let alone the networking and promotional meeting. Of course, Mel and I had a good catching-up session for about 15 minutes before I drove back to school for my lesson and work. We had part II of the catching up after work though. I am hearing a lot about the negative side of being a Catholic in Europe, a region once sent missionaries to our country and spread this religion of love to our people. Why is the scandals of the church becoming the reason people no longer believe in religion? If religion is used to control the minds of the people, then Jesus must had been the most successful mind controller. Yet, He has always been giving us freewill, to believe or not to believe. He still loves us all the same... How can we be spiritual and not religious? And why these two entities are separated? Penny for my thoughts....

I'm currently having a dull headache. I guess it's the heat in KK. I'm going to miss the humidity and weather for sure. Well, enjoying every single moment of it now, since it won't be long before 48 becomes 8. Yes, I am both excited and worried if I can get all things done, while working at the same time. Of course, I need every single cent of my last two months of salary. My July salary is already being deducted due to my visits to KL. It shall be deducted again middle of July. It's probably one of the worst news, but I know God will still provide somehow. I still have my PAMA foundation (papa-mama foundation that is).

Some of my current students sort of know that I am leaving for studies soon. It's always hard to say goodbyes, but I know it won't be as tough as it would have been if I left two years earlier though. I like the 2009 batch most, perhaps it's due to the fact that they were my first batch of students, and we went through a lot together. The one and only form 5 Compassion class was memorable to me. Not only they remembered me during Teachers' Day and surprised me with the 2-kg-yummy-looking yam cake, but also their golden hearts. I'm glad to see them all (batch 2009) doing well in whatever they are doing. Ah-hah, and the self-proclaimed favorite student of mine. I stayed back until they graduated. And now they had graduated, time for me to spread my wings and fly~

So I shall continue sleeping. Perhaps taking a dose of panadol will help with my headache. I shall let the cat out of the bag soon. When day 40 comes.

God bless all!

Europe Countdown: Day 49

Another 7 weeks to my Europe trip. Frankly speaking, I am lacking of confidence that I would get everything settled on time. Another 6 weeks in school. I am trying so hard now to forgive those who had intentionally informed everyone in the school, including the students that I am going away. In fact, I don't need such promotions. All I want is some serenity to get things done instead of delaying things because of unwanted questions from everyone. I am just tired of explaining myself all the time.

I left KL with a rather heavy heart. I have friends who are battling with something tough and stressful right now. I could do nothing for them, except prayers to be offered for them daily now. Yeah, I wasn't really a good friend, like what she said, when I told her I felt awkward with the silence. I've never really been good with silence, due to my boundaries issues. I really hope that after a while, things will be alright for her and her family.

Yeah, speaking about boundaries issues, now I know I'm at the peak of it. Or am I in the valley? Either one, it means I am struggling with boundaries. One end of it, I want to just be on my own and I can do my stuffs according to the timing I want. On the other end, I hope I can experience kinder and more considerate people. Perhaps I just want some concern from somewhere that is. I am contradicting myself at the moment.

Today's bible verse for reflection:
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Europe Countdown: Day 50 (Part 1)

WOW. Another 50 days to go. Will my visa be done on time? I just received another "assignment" from the Spanish coordinator in Cordoba - to get my documents legalized.

It's definitely good to eat my mom's rice dumpling. But of course, parents will always be parents... Can't help but to micro-manage me, as usual.

I have a confession to make: I didn't get to attend mass this Sunday :( Got voted out by my mom and brother last night. This is so disappointing....

I'm in Senai Airport now... waiting for my flight, and apparently it's calling for boarding, so I shall write my next part of my Day 50 in KK.

Europe Countdown: Day 51

I hope I didn't miscalculate the days today. Blogging from my phone while attending a wedding reception in Kepong, Selangor. I'm surprised that the dishes only start coming out after 830pm. Now this is brand new for me.

I just found out that it was teachers' day in school yesterday. I wonder how it went.. Well, time to eat again! ^^

Europe Countdown: Day 52 (Part 02)

Just now I attended daily mass in St. Francis Xavier church in PJ. The priest preached with fervor and charisma, I'd say. He said that it's only in moments of weakness that we would come to recognize that God is in control. In fact, God is always in control. So, we need to have a new way of seeing things, and to recognize that we truly need God in moments of weakness, because God is essential to our lives.

Yeah, I have to admit I need Jesus so much right now. Like I said, it's also very hard for me to walk the talk of being Christ-like. My family relationship isn't so great after all. The patience wears thinner than with new people or at work place. It's harder to love when rejections are norm; judgmental and critical statements are usual. It's even more painful to accept that my family members were the only one who don't congratulate me or even know what I will be doing within these coming six months when I have obtained something which will cause a person to "Wow! It's so good to know that. Congratulations!!" Yet, Jesus said, love one another as I have loved you. And forgive, and you shall be forgiven. Only Him can help me now. Indeed, I am in such a need for Him to help me now!

One of my favorite verses was in the gospel reading for today... What is the treasure which you keep inside your heart? What is the direction which you refer to when you make important decisions in life?

Today's bible verse for reflection:
"For wherever your treasure is, there will your heart be too." (Matthew 6:21)

Europe Countdown: Day 52 (Part 01)

I'm home alone in my friend's place now. I've decided against going to PTPTN today because I am not ready and my documents are left in KK. It'd be better if I get things done the next time I return to KL, which probably be a few weeks from now. I can only hope and pray that the flights wouldn't be exorbitant price like this trip.

Today is Friday after Pentecost. Five days after the Church celebrated Pentecost, are we still filled with the Holy Spirit? Personally, I know I have not been courageous in walking the talk about being the follower of Christ. I will try harder from today onward, I pray. And I hope that you guys too will be courageous in proclaiming the Good News of Jesus Christ.

I'll be going out with Kiwi and friends later to snap pictures. Haha. I am using a dummy compact camera while they will be out with gadgets. Oh well, when I have money I shall invest on a DSLR myself. Sigh! Kiwi said his friends are late too, so I'm unsure what time I'll be going out. What a day. I'm sleepy again. I better go grab a nap.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"And he said to them, ' Go into all the world and preach the gospel to the whole creation." (Mark 16:15)

Europe Countdown: Day 53

Wow. Another day had passed. I started the day by eating two delicious-looking half-boiled eggs with toasted wholemeal bread, and cocoa drink. The eggs were prepared by Jennifer (thanks, Jen!). After breakfast, she sent me to Kelana Jaya LRT station, and from there I took LRT to Ampang Point. It was rather amusing that I finally know that my GPS in the phone actually works perfectly when I used it when I came out from Ampang Point LRT station. I walked for about 5 minutes to reach the Embassy of Spain. Rather interesting because this is the 2nd time I went to an embassy (my first time was the Embassy of Malaysia in Seoul). It took me about 15-20 minutes in the embassy to fill in some forms, and I was so relieved (thank God!!!) when Mr. Julian said that it takes about two weeks to get the visa. However, my cert of good conduct and also cert of good health are pending. And also the cert by Ministry of Higher Education too.

After that, my friend, Kiwi picked me up from Kelana Jaya LRT station and went for lunch in this Indian restaurant. Haha. I had a plate of Briyani Bukhara Mutton! Yummy, yummy!!! The best Indian food still has to be sought in West Malaysia... I'm still missing ABC on my list. Had a good laugh in the afternoon when Kiwi brought me along to meet his workmate-friends for a drink. The thought of Bollywood-style pre-wedding videography caused me to erupt into a bout of unstoppable laughs. And it's kinda weird to know that my friend of 8,9 years never heard me laugh out loud like this when we spent time together back then when I used to travel to KL and "passed by their house for a visit". I guess we must have forgotten much of our past, or I change quite a bit within our seven years of not keeping frequent contact.

Oh yeah, I had dinner with my senior Rose and her friend in the Gardens, and I bought a nice 15 European languages phrase book. Essential ones, of course, published by LonelyPlanet. I also purchased Periplus Spanish phrase book. Really felt blessed by so many people these few days. Thank you, dear Lord Jesus!!

I'm pretty tired now. Time to sleep.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"In your prayers do not babble as the gentiles do, for they think that by using many words they will make themselves heard. Do not be like them; your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6:7-8)

Europe Countdown: Day 54

Finally, Putrajaya part was completed just now. Everywhere seemed so far away in Putrajaya. Thank God for friendly taxi driver who waited for me while I got my things done in the various locations. I'll describe more soon!

It's always so comforting to meet long-time friends. Apart from staying with Jennifer Lau whom I had not seen for two years, I met up with Kiwi for a long long chat. For the past 7 years, we did not really meet or talk to each other. After so long, he's still such a comfortable person to pour my heart to. A friend in need is a friend indeed! Shared a lot on our pasts, presents and future plans. More to chat about... I haven't really spent time to chat with Jenn though...

I'm so sleepy now, but really thank and praise God that He becomes the reason of my direction. No longer I'm so lost whenever unhappy and depressing things happen in my life.

Bible verse of the day:

"When you pray, go to your private room, shut yourself in, and so pray to your Father who is in that secret place, and your Father who sees all that is done in secret will reward you." (Mark 6:6)

Europe Countdown: Day 55

Another day has passed. I am in KL now. There shouldn't be jet lag traveling from East Malaysia to West Malaysia. I should sleep soon, so that I can wake up early later. Well, the plan is this: I am going to Putrajaya using public transport, and there are two places for me to cover in order to settle the three things I'm supposed to do in KL.

As I looked back into the past weeks, I noticed I've been living like a nomad. Why so? Ever since I moved out from the house which I had stayed for 6 years since university days, I had been staying in various places - first I stayed 2 weeks in Irene's house, then three days in the room in Kingfisher, next was 9 days in Kuching at my friend, Vicky's house. Back to the room in KF for 4 days, and here I am in KL for 5 days. I hope I can stay in KK and rest my body a bit. I feel exhausted with all these mental and physical changes all the time. Yet I know, this is unavoidable if I want to get things done.

But God also sent His chosen people into the desert for 40 years before they entered into the Promised Land. Well, come to think of it... It's not that bad to be nomadic. At least I have warm water shower every day since I moved back to KF, even while I'm traveling. Thank and praise God.

There must be a plan... And I believe the plan God has in mind for me is the best.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"You are well aware of the generosity which our Lord Jesus Christ had, that, although he was rich, he became poor for your sake, so that you should become rich through his poverty." (2 Cor 8:9)

Europe Countdown: Day 56

It's actually 46 minutes passed the intended day. A fine but packed day today. I really appreciated the efficiency shown by UMS staff, Greg, in assisting me with my transcripts and verification letter. It was all done within a day.

After that, I had a long chat with an inspiring lecturer of mine, Dr. Zaleha Abdul Aziz. She really knows her students, and cares so much for us that it sometimes brings her heartaches. She's like this typical motherly lecturer who is both strict and loving. Love you lots, Dr. Z!!!

Then there was choir practice for the choir performance next Saturday. I really would miss the Sacred Heart English Choir when I'm not around... Gosh... Maybe I should join them for Christmas choir? Haha. But Fred, our choir master, suggested that I should spend Christmas in Europe, listening to their wonderful church choirs during Christmases. Yeah, sounds like a wonderful idea too...

I shall be flying to KL tomorrow after work for some emergency matters. It's pretty hard to explain here without inviting speculations. Sometimes, I ought to be cautious of what I publish for public reading, oughtn't I? Hopefully I get to write my countdown encounters while I travel. Many complicated matters which arise that require me to be there in person to settle. I pray God will be with me throughout this journey...

I can't write much now. I'm super sleepy.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"... in pain yet always full of joy; poor and yet making many people rich; having nothing, and yet owning everything." (2 Cor 6:10)

Europe Countdown: Day 57

I am leaving on 8th August 2011. Today is 12th June 2011. There are 57 days left, including today. I shall try to blog as much as I could, counting down the everyday I have in Malaysia. I never thought I'd leave my homeland, but I have always yearned to know how it is like to live in another foreign country.

Indeed, God is good and He answers to our prayers. It is a prayer answered, though I have no inkling of what challenges are waiting for me after 8th August 2011. In fact, I don't have an idea what lies beyond today, or beyond this very minute. It sounds a bit depressing, but I know beneath the depression I'm experiencing right now, there is bubbling excitement. I am spending a lot of time alone this year, the loneliness is beyond comprehension at times. But it is also a time for me to wonder the reason of me being placed in such a condition. Did I choose to be alone and isolated? Or my mind has chosen to reduce the pain of leaving this place?

Gosh. Nine years ain't a short time. My youth I spent wandering in the desert of hope and love. Yet, I know I have been strengthened, even when I thought I did not change a single bit. Last night I met up with some friends whom I did not see for years. We moved on in our arena of lives, and we seem to live well without one another. Then, we were all linked together in a vicious cycle for three years or more, by one single person who wanted to conquer the best of both worlds. Yet, this person collapsed in the end and lives now in an automated world of making money as the sole purpose of life while being married to a lady who loves him like maniac. The other one is in his own imaginary world in a foreign land, while the two of us found Jesus respectively as we journey along the path of healing. We changed, for better or for worse. Definitely we no longer belong to the same vicious cycle. Thank God for the catching up, knowing that this friendship remains, but lives go on.

In less than 24 hours, school reopens and I have to ask for 3 days off from work because of my future plans. I can't really tell out loud, because it is not yet the time. Yet, those whom I am close to in real life I hope I have informed properly of the good news which also brings heartaches. Both side of the same coin, I kept reminding myself...

Happy Pentecost!

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Pentecost: The Outpouring of the Holy Spirit

Today is the eve of Pentecost, and this evening we'll be serving mass in Sacred Heart Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. In fact, this is the last Pentecost weekend I will serve in KK. After this, in 8 weeks time, I will have to start a new journey to a new place, with everything so foreign, so alien for me. The Spirit moves in my life in a very strange, yet loving way. I could not comprehend how all these can be, but I look forward for more of the Spirit who is the God of love.

For months I have been hiding in a nutshell, because I don't want others to speculate everything which I do. I, too, am hiding behind my masks. Beneath the masks, I am just another fragile, broken and fearful girl. Sometimes, I wish I could show more of who I am to everyone without needing to fear that my vulnerability becomes a tool for others to hurt me. So I hide under the masks of unbeatable strength, confidence, and perhaps, solitary life is what I do best. But, I am as human as everyone is, so I also would love companions who would not think of me as weird or fearsome...

Last night, I experienced disappointment because my request was rejected by a friend whom I really trust to lean on when I am helpless. Indeed, human beings are born to be selfish. Who would use the excuse that they need to pick up their husbands who would be at work at 4pm when ask to send their friend to the airport? So I know that I can not trust the possibility of asking for help from this cherished friend anymore. No point hanging out or chilling at her place when I feel lonely anymore, for she probably never treats me as her friend, but a burden, really.

Six years ago, I declined the offer to further my studies in Korea, and chose to stay behind in KK to continue my Masters degree. Yet, a year later, I chose to discontinue the research because of the problems that came with it. Money is the root cause to it, or maybe, my lack of confidence to go through it. My parents, especially my mother, harped on the issues of returning PTPTN loan, living allowance, monetary problems at home every time she called me. I am the eldest in the family, the feeling of inability to provide less problems to the family seeped into my mind and I felt inadequate as a child. There was no research fund for the project I was doing, and the main supervisor refused to let me do another project because she needed my results. All these overburdened my shoulders and the only way to stop all these from haunting me was to walk away from biotech research and get a job with stable monthly income.

Hence, I started working. Yeah, stable, monthly income for a 5-day job with a horrible unmarried female manager. Not only she was a micro-manager who could not bear anyone else with a qualification higher than hers (she had only SPM at the time of me working there), she googled my I/C no and full name, then forwarded links to my colleagues, using me as a joke of the day. Any person with a healthy mental status wouldn't sign him/herself as "Inspector xxxx" using company internal email with the header of "Sia jadi CIA" (translates to "I become CIA"). Not only that, she too, accused me of trying to open the door of my company of an off day by asking the locksmith in the same building, and also trying to hook up with my client (who happened to my friend's colleague and I was just trying to assist a friend - oh yeah, whom she tried so hard to buy him a mango cheesecake but was rejected). When I found out about the email, I decided to resign. And in February 2008, I left the company (thank God!!).

God provided a new job with new challenges. A LOT. It was then when I realize I want to continue my studies. Yet, again and again, I did not make the move to find out more and see what lies ahead of me. Yeah, the fears gripped me tight - of money, and constant harping from my family about loans etc. As much as I know my talents are being wasted, I stayed behind. I know my mission was not completed. There was an evil head who did many bad things to me, trying so hard to get rid of me all the time. Nobody was looking at the spiritual growth of the people under our care. The organization was breaking apart, drift caused by the head himself. I was broken, from inside out. But the Lord was with me, and He is still with me. And I thank God that He stays with me always, to let me survived the reign of the evil head.

I attended seminars, pumped myself with religious books, talked to numerous people. And the conclusion is "it is time to move on and use my talents as how God has given me". Now, I am in the cycle where all the harpings and problems arise. I can barely breathe, I can barely survive. But I can only continue trusting in God, who promise me that I am His child and He will always be with me.

Today is Pentecost, may the Holy Spirit shows Himself to all people of God. Amen.