Europe Countdown: Day 55

Another day has passed. I am in KL now. There shouldn't be jet lag traveling from East Malaysia to West Malaysia. I should sleep soon, so that I can wake up early later. Well, the plan is this: I am going to Putrajaya using public transport, and there are two places for me to cover in order to settle the three things I'm supposed to do in KL.

As I looked back into the past weeks, I noticed I've been living like a nomad. Why so? Ever since I moved out from the house which I had stayed for 6 years since university days, I had been staying in various places - first I stayed 2 weeks in Irene's house, then three days in the room in Kingfisher, next was 9 days in Kuching at my friend, Vicky's house. Back to the room in KF for 4 days, and here I am in KL for 5 days. I hope I can stay in KK and rest my body a bit. I feel exhausted with all these mental and physical changes all the time. Yet I know, this is unavoidable if I want to get things done.

But God also sent His chosen people into the desert for 40 years before they entered into the Promised Land. Well, come to think of it... It's not that bad to be nomadic. At least I have warm water shower every day since I moved back to KF, even while I'm traveling. Thank and praise God.

There must be a plan... And I believe the plan God has in mind for me is the best.

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"You are well aware of the generosity which our Lord Jesus Christ had, that, although he was rich, he became poor for your sake, so that you should become rich through his poverty." (2 Cor 8:9)

What's The Secret to Happiness?

I got this from a friend via SMS long time ago...

I found the answer in my house.
The wall says be strong,
the ceiling says aim high,
the door says be open,
the window says learn to give and take,
the clock says time is gold,
the calendar says love everyday as if it were last,
the cabinet says keep in order,
the bed says take time to relax,
the lamp says be the light,
and GOD, who is found everywhere in my house says,
"KEEP THE FAITH BECAUSE I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS!"

November 18, 2008 4:13PM

I'm leaving FB for the time being.

It's sad, it's disturbing. But for real.

I'm cutting strings. I'm trying not to cry.

I have to. No other choice.

For the sake of a bigger picture.

A jigsaw that I'm called to solve.

A life which I'm called to.

To learn to love.

To learn to hope.

To learn to lean.

Not on myself.

Not on others.

But on the big big God.

He's big enough to carry me through this.

I know He is.

Thank God for Mel for saying OK to journey with me.

Thank God for all the things that happened.

Thank God for all the things that are being revealed.

I might not know what will happen tomorrow,

but I know who holds my hand.

Thank You, God.

10 Nov 2008 20:03 KFC Opposite Cathay Cinema

Almost 24 hours after knowing the truth that had been bothering me for the past three months, I'm in a total solitude with the Lord. What has lost will never come back to me, at least not for now. How long the suffering had been when I didn't know the truth! Though it still stabbed my heart and practically numbed my nervous system, I found back that part of me which went missing three months ago. For once again, I'm in awe of God's grace upon me. Once again, I see God's hands cupping my face, touching me who longed for that physical touch, breathing so near to me, telling me... "You are healed. Now go in peace." Though I still feel that immense loss, my First Love, my Ardent Lover, embraces me tightly, wanting to tell me how much He loves me. I know this suffering will join with His suffering, and at the break of dawn, hope will resurface. And I will be whole again.

I know this inability to sleep in the middle of the night for the past two nights is just short-term effect. I experienced that earlier when I was very sick with flu, cough, fever. Even with two types of medication which caused drowsiness, I would be wide awake in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out trying to breathe and cry and cough at the same time. This time, no cough, no flu, no fever. I just can't sleep. Perhaps I'm too scared to sleep, knowing that there will be a chance I might forget the surge of God's love flooding my empty heart. I don't want to forget, but every morning I woke up with such a void in it. Or maybe, my brain is figuring out how can I stand up again after this betrayal, this strange lie people told right into my face. Christ did, so I have to, even I'm so weak. Christ forgave Judas... Every day ever since July 2008, this strength to carry on is not mine, but His. If it were to be mine, I would have long gone down to hell. Thank God for Christ the strength and refuge for my soul.

2 Chronicles 15:15

"And all Judah rejoiced at the oath: for they had sworn with all their heart, and sought him with their whole desire; and he was found of them: and the LORD gave them rest round about."

When I am weak, He is strong and He is the only One whom I can hold on and lean on to. Never had I been so lost before, yet He is still there. And the Lord promised to all who answer Him that if we are willing to seek Him with our whole desire, we will find Him waiting for us and He will give us rest. That's the rest that I'm seeking, that's the rest which I desire most. Nobody can hold me closer than He does, and nobody is able to sustain the secrets that I have, except Him alone. And to this God I pledged my life on the day of my Confirmation, and to this God shall I be bound forever. It's tough to remember His love at times, but He waits ever so patiently for me to return to Him. And that's what made my relationship with Him so different, so wonderful.

Yet, I sometimes falter. Sometimes, emotions of the world overwhelms my tiny space in the heart and I lost focus of Him. Like Peter, I sink when I get distracted by my surroundings. Like Peter, I forget to fix my eyes on Jesus. Like Peter, I want to cry out loud, "Lord Jesus, save me!" and I know He will save me because His unending and unfailing love for me. I hurt Him endless times, yet He still saves. He's the only Hope and Light of the world whom I can trust to do wonders in this wretched life of mine. From a pile of dust, He mold me into who I am today. When I become unappreciative and worship some other non-gods, He waits patiently for me to return, calling me in ways that no other human would ever do. He nudges me gently and patiently. And through His Word, I see His promise of eternal salvation, His promise of eternal rest, His promise of never-ending love. And through His Word, He tells me gently that He's still there no matter what occurs in life. Through the storms, He is there. Through the flood, He's still there. He is the Alpha and the Omega... The Beginning and the End... He, is the Lord, my God, my Saviour.

Human relationships may fail, human relationships may end, but His relationship with us will never fade. Trust in the Lord, your God, for He alone is the sovereign Lord.

O Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner! Amen!

:)