Finally, The End

The whole year in UK has been great. I've made some good friends, both here in Lincoln and everywhere else. Every step I took, be it a positive or a negative one, I'm glad there are few individuals, whose names I shall retain from public eyes, who walked with me and still are walking with me. Travels were more interesting with your presence, food tasted better with you by my side, soap opera tales from dramatic me became some comedies with your laughters at my expenses, breakfasts after Sunday masses were fun time of catching up with you, the adventure of getting lost in some foreign city when it was dark, cold and raining was bearable and memorable. It took me a while to sort out my thoughts and right now, besides trying to pack up for the major move to my temporary abode out of kindness and hospitality of fellow Malaysians, I'm trying to sort of my heart and mind.

My Ethiopian coursemate, Sammy, and I had a short sharing over Thai lunch before he left. We both spoke about a real break after the two years of hardwork completing this Masters program. Indeed, sweat and tears, adding blood to the equation for the severity of it. He wishes for at least 4 months of real break, away from anything and everything. Me, the travel bunny (as per the youngling of cohort 2 today), had been sneaking off to various countries in these two years whenever money and desires crossed path. A 16-day journey to Ireland is my latest plan. Yeah, I could have done a 16-day eastern Europe trip, if the flights were cheaper. But I did feel called to go there for mini retreats and spend some time seeking God the Artist of Life through nature.

I'm in my final three nights in this lovely studio flat of mine beside returning the keys and bid goodbye to a warm, cosy dog nest of mine. During cold winter nights, my room was fuming hot. My fear of cold house subsided and conquered because of the never ending warmth. I know it'll be hard to say goodbye, just like how it was when I bade goodbye to the house I stayed for six years in Kota Kinabalu. Everything is everywhere right now. Procrastinating packing is the phrase. I don't want to leave!!!! T.T

Tidying up my project already, tying some loose ends. Meeting the junior from Cohort 2 was a realisation that I've completed the degree. Thank God for His wondrous and amazing love and blessings. Without Him, I wouldn't have made it this far.

Praise Him! ALLELUIA!

After 24 Hours of Darkness, I'm Out of It!

After a day dwelling in negative side of things, I've decided to walk out of darkness by embracing the uncharted future with slightly more courage than yesterday. Ain't easy, the negativity still looms around like shadow (which won't go away because shadows and sunlight do go hand in hand with each other). Two sides of the same coin, in fact, my miseries and how the Lord can work in me. I was walking towards darkness last night. The Lord saw me, and my guardian angel probably stood by my side keeping me from being sucked into total darkness. I'm thankful it was the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola on 31st July and I made it a point to attend mass on feast days of my patron saints.

Yesterday, I dwelt on how a person would choose to walk away eventually from me just because I am me, and how I define close friend. After much thoughts, reflections and considerations, perhaps it was just a mechanism that shows how fearful we both are when it comes to taking a step forward to be closer friends. Fear sometimes can cause us to freeze at where we are, because we don't know how to handle it. I froze to my seat in fear upon returning from Poland and broke down because I didn't know how I could handle my unwritten dissertation. Thank God for those who were patient with me during the difficult period of time.

Back to the story of my patron saints... The one whose name I bear is St. Therese of Lisieux. My baptismal name is Cindy Theresa (Theresa is a variant of Therese). Her feast day is 1 October. With her I made the journey to learn how to love once again. Then, there's St. Jude Thaddeus, whose feast day is on 28 October. He's the one I seek for intercessions all the time for impossible cases and prayers had been answered through his intercessions indeed. I've come to appreciate the Ignatian spirituality founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. By pure coincidence (though I believe that nothing is truly a coincidence to God), I stumbled into the monastery, La Cova de Manresa, Barcelona, where St. Ignatius of Loyola spent eleven months to write the book of the Spiritual Exercises. Honestly, I've not experienced the full Spiritual Exercises before as I'm unsure if I could handle it by myself. The Lord blessed me with the presence of Fr. Tri Dinh while I was on a supposed personal retreat in the Cave when I was told there won't be any English-speaking priest available to guide me. That was two years ago. Yet, it is fresh in my memory the strange peace which overcame me when I was in the tiny little cave while Fr. Tri Dinh told me that St. Ignatius was there some 500 years ago. I realise that subconsciously I become more aware of myself as I reflect deeper of my being. That's why St. Ignatius is also my patron saint.

A verse from Ezekiel which comforted me some years back on my decisions then jumped back at me last night, reminding me where I am is where I should be, and what I should be seeking too. So I'm jumping at these coming months of homeless wanderings and uncharted waters with a new-found courage, to find the new heart and new spirit which God promises me.

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

(Ezekiel 36:26, NRSV)

My heart has been calling me to visit Republic of Ireland for a while now. I'm still unsure what it is all about, but I'm very certain and at peace with the idea of a two-week journey to Ireland. I took some time off from things, and focused on laying out a plan. The one-way flight from Manchester to Dublin was booked, and the hostel stays were reserved in several locations. The planner me wanted to be sure I have a roof over my head wherever I go, so I got the hostels planned first. The transportation and other details I will work out later on. So far, my heart is thrilled about going into the mountains of Connemara of west Ireland. I wish I could stay longer, but the accommodation was unavailable. Solely the two nights there, so I shall make the best out of what I have. Honestly, I'm actually spending more time in the wild wild west of Ireland rather than the east. This is a journey I have chosen to go. Let's see what God has in mind for me as I walk with Him through this.

After 24 hours of dark night of my soul, the usual me is back. More courage, not my own, but the Lord's. All glory and thanks be to my God!