Today is the eve of Pentecost, and this evening we'll be serving mass in Sacred Heart Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. In fact, this is the last Pentecost weekend I will serve in KK. After this, in 8 weeks time, I will have to start a new journey to a new place, with everything so foreign, so alien for me. The Spirit moves in my life in a very strange, yet loving way. I could not comprehend how all these can be, but I look forward for more of the Spirit who is the God of love.
For months I have been hiding in a nutshell, because I don't want others to speculate everything which I do. I, too, am hiding behind my masks. Beneath the masks, I am just another fragile, broken and fearful girl. Sometimes, I wish I could show more of who I am to everyone without needing to fear that my vulnerability becomes a tool for others to hurt me. So I hide under the masks of unbeatable strength, confidence, and perhaps, solitary life is what I do best. But, I am as human as everyone is, so I also would love companions who would not think of me as weird or fearsome...
Last night, I experienced disappointment because my request was rejected by a friend whom I really trust to lean on when I am helpless. Indeed, human beings are born to be selfish. Who would use the excuse that they need to pick up their husbands who would be at work at 4pm when ask to send their friend to the airport? So I know that I can not trust the possibility of asking for help from this cherished friend anymore. No point hanging out or chilling at her place when I feel lonely anymore, for she probably never treats me as her friend, but a burden, really.
Six years ago, I declined the offer to further my studies in Korea, and chose to stay behind in KK to continue my Masters degree. Yet, a year later, I chose to discontinue the research because of the problems that came with it. Money is the root cause to it, or maybe, my lack of confidence to go through it. My parents, especially my mother, harped on the issues of returning PTPTN loan, living allowance, monetary problems at home every time she called me. I am the eldest in the family, the feeling of inability to provide less problems to the family seeped into my mind and I felt inadequate as a child. There was no research fund for the project I was doing, and the main supervisor refused to let me do another project because she needed my results. All these overburdened my shoulders and the only way to stop all these from haunting me was to walk away from biotech research and get a job with stable monthly income.
Hence, I started working. Yeah, stable, monthly income for a 5-day job with a horrible unmarried female manager. Not only she was a micro-manager who could not bear anyone else with a qualification higher than hers (she had only SPM at the time of me working there), she googled my I/C no and full name, then forwarded links to my colleagues, using me as a joke of the day. Any person with a healthy mental status wouldn't sign him/herself as "Inspector xxxx" using company internal email with the header of "Sia jadi CIA" (translates to "I become CIA"). Not only that, she too, accused me of trying to open the door of my company of an off day by asking the locksmith in the same building, and also trying to hook up with my client (who happened to my friend's colleague and I was just trying to assist a friend - oh yeah, whom she tried so hard to buy him a mango cheesecake but was rejected). When I found out about the email, I decided to resign. And in February 2008, I left the company (thank God!!).
God provided a new job with new challenges. A LOT. It was then when I realize I want to continue my studies. Yet, again and again, I did not make the move to find out more and see what lies ahead of me. Yeah, the fears gripped me tight - of money, and constant harping from my family about loans etc. As much as I know my talents are being wasted, I stayed behind. I know my mission was not completed. There was an evil head who did many bad things to me, trying so hard to get rid of me all the time. Nobody was looking at the spiritual growth of the people under our care. The organization was breaking apart, drift caused by the head himself. I was broken, from inside out. But the Lord was with me, and He is still with me. And I thank God that He stays with me always, to let me survived the reign of the evil head.
I attended seminars, pumped myself with religious books, talked to numerous people. And the conclusion is "it is time to move on and use my talents as how God has given me". Now, I am in the cycle where all the harpings and problems arise. I can barely breathe, I can barely survive. But I can only continue trusting in God, who promise me that I am His child and He will always be with me.
Today is Pentecost, may the Holy Spirit shows Himself to all people of God. Amen.
