Lost and Found

I had been bobbing up and down on the surface of rough ocean for many years. Sometimes I found my way to shore, sometimes I pushed the boat back into the ocean unconsciously. This process is exhausting though I am very clear that nothing can deter a wanting will, except the will itself. These few days I have been pondering a lot about past, present and future, and where exactly all the decisions I have made so far are leading me when they are summed up together collectively. All the bad habits I have adopted, all the good things I have learned... in fact, every single second life passes through my life, all bring effects, long-lasting ones, to my life.

After so much time taken to ponder, one thing I am very clear -- in the midst of uncertainty and error-making, I need some sort of certainty. I am who God created me to be and I cannot be who others want me to be. Even when the voice of the world is far louder than the tiny little voice of God residing in me, I have firmly believe what I cannot see, for what I cannot see yet is much more precious than what lies in front of me.

I thank God I am given an opportunity to return to the research and academic field which I desired so much and gave up due to multiple reasons. Due to this God-given opportunity, no matter how tiring it is and will be, I want to at least try more and complain less. All these choices I made, even the wrong ones, led me to a right place. Even though I still am in a tiny little bobbing boat in the midst of a deep and rough ocean, I know the waves on the sea and the wind that blows will lead me to the place I will eventually call home for good. And till this day time, time is precious for I desire to be the me whom God has called me to be. If I am called as an academician, I want to give my 100% to Him by being a just and skillful academician. If I am called as a wife or mother one day, I want to give my 100% to Him by being a responsible and loving mother. Now, I am called to be a student, so my only duty is solely to fulfill His will in my life.

Yes, I found that living in the present is ignoring the voices and complaints that everyone has about everything around me, and continue being me even when others hate me or my guts. And to live life to the fullest.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me,

I was lost, but now I am found,

was blind but now I see.

- John Newton, 1779 -

First Day in KL

I'm in KL again, planning to visit my dad in Melaka by tonight. Now blogging using my bro's PC while he's gaming with his housemates somewhere in his house. As for me... I have good news but the news is not yet good enough to be announced. It's concerning my career pathway. Still in the process of negotiation. All I can say is God is my ultimate Provider and He will provide all I know... Listening to the song "To You" by Hillsong and also "Reaching for You"... I'm truly humbled by His grace in my life and how great His love for me that Jesus died for my sins.

It may sound a bit fanatic to some of you, but I saw Jesus speaking through one of my students when we discussed the meaning of being a Christian. The boy's name is David Tang, and when he spoke of the gist of being a Christian besides knowing the Word and the knowledge that Christ died for our sins... His face shone with peace... The gist is the experience of Jesus' love through the Holy Spirit, and how we have to seek forgiveness from Jesus always, pray always despite circumstances, because of His love. It is one moment that I never expect a Form 2 boy to be able to utter such wisdom in his words. And I truly cherish what he said, as though Jesus was telling me that this is exactly the experience that makes me able to acknowledge I'm a Christ-ian. Then as the days went by, I spoke to another student and he told me how he felt lost and away from God because of circumstances... Many-a-times, even young adults like me have the same problem to deal with... The moments of loss and confusion feeling as though the world is ending, and that's when I started doubting the love of God and His works in my life.

So I now choose to stand here and be amazed at His glory, looking at how the power of heaven reveals His purpose in lives, especially my own life, as I continue seeking His face in daily life. Love You so much, dear Lord!

The Power of Love

Happy and blessed Easter to all of you!!! Today's topic is the Power of Love. What kind of love will I be discussing? What did the Archbishop say during his homily on Easter Vigil? Well, the love I'll be discussing is the scandalous love of Jesus for mankind. The kind of love that brought Him death, and death is not enough, but death on the cross. That's the most shameful way to die during the Roman empire.

Look at this image I found via Google search. The caption is "If you get wet, you'll get sick." I guess the Lord knows this much better than any of us, especially the getting wet, getting sick part. He chose to come down and live as man on earth. He knew of His mission of being on earth, living and preaching and dying. He knows He will suffer this death in order to grant us mercy. Knowing He'll go through all these, He still came. Knowing He'll be executed by dying on the cross, He still stayed at where He was, asking God to take the chalice away from Him. When God did not answer Him, Jesus stayed to face the death. How courageous is our Lord!!!

By His death, we receive life. By His grace, we receive love. Bishop, in his homily, started with a question: "What is the core value of our faith? What do we believe in?" Simple words, we believe in the power of love, and that's what the whole Triduum we had celebrated last week is all about -- Jesus' love that conquers sin and death.

In life, we often stop and ponder the same question: What's my eyes searching for? Where will my journey lead me to? What am I doing on earth? And Bishop's explanation is that people (everybody, including those we read in New Testament) is constantly searching for something. The Samaritan woman? The lame man at the pool? They are looking for something, but nothing can fill up that thirst they have, because that thirst is the thirst for the love of God. In the first reading last night from Genesis, man was created in the image of God, thus man will always thirst for God's love. Nothing can satisfy that thirst until we come to search for God. A quote from St. Augustine speaks of this: "Our hearts are made for you, O God, and they shall never rest until they rest in You." Bishop said that although we're constantly seeking for God, God is also searching for us in order to give us His love. He is also making that journey to seek us to offer us the love. The act of Jesus dying on the cross for mankind shows that God goes all out to give us the love.

One thing that made me pondered after mass was about our baptism. I wasn't baptised on Easter Vigil that time, but when Bishop directed the points specially for those who will be baptised, I felt touched by the hands of God. He mentioned that when we're baptised, the transformation occurs so that we can be changed and be the children of God. He specifically mentioned about the reading from the gospel of St. Mark about the resurrection of Christ. When the women went to the tomb, they did not find Jesus. Instead, they found a young man dressed in white robe sitting on the stone. He told the women to pass the message to the disciples so that they will go to Galilee, where Jesus will be there to wait for them. This event happened on the first day of the week, and Jesus has resurrected on that day. Thus, in our modernised concept, what I would summarise of Bishop's statement is that the beginning of new life for those who believe in Christ is the day after baptism where we're raised from the death with Jesus.

The second point of the Gospel passage was about the young man in white robe. Remember a young man who was following Jesus after He was arrested by the guards? The man who ran away naked when the guards seized him? This was the same young man dressed in white robe at the entrance of the tomb. This young man came back. So, the question is this: WHO IS HE? Bishop's explanation is that this young man is the newly baptised Christians. Before baptised, we run away from Jesus (just like how the young man ran away from Jesus) but now he's back and he believes in Christ. He has a message for all his disciples to meet Jesus in Galillee. The Lord had ever said that He will gather His disciples in Galillee and the mission to spread the good news started there. And so, us, as baptised Christians, we have already encountered Jesus and be transformed. And if we have been transformed, then we must begin to preach and bring this message to others.

We will have the faith if we have experience the love of God. How do we express our faith to God? My first thought when Bishop asked was "trust in God". But when he gave the answer, I begin to realize that I do experience what he said. Bishop said "GRATITUDE" has to be experienced if we want to know if we have that faith. All the love of God, after we experience it, will generate a feeling of thankfulness. And if we, at that point of time, have yet to feel thankful, we must then pray for transformation to change our heart of stone into heart of flesh. He cited the example of St. Paul (Saul of Tarsus) and how he had written about his gratitude to God when he felt like giving up. God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weaknesses..." (2 Corinthians 12:9) Indeed, it was because of that grace of God towards Paul that we have so many wise epistles and letters written by the intelligent apostle St. Paul.

Am I still making sense after such a long post, my dears? Last point of reflection whenever we renew our baptismal vows as a renewal of our faith is this: Are we at the tomb dressed in white robe? Are we thankful to God or not?

I am glad, I am thankful. Though I'm not perfect and never will be, I'm thankful He is with me.

Happy Easter once again. God bless.

It's a girl thing, really!

To all the girls, have you ever had a day whereby you have the urge to just shop till you drop dead? If you do, continue reading...

To all the guys, have you ever wondered why girls need so many pairs of shoes, not that they would wear them all the time? If you do, continue reading too...

To all the girls, have you ever wondered what's the beauty in heels or shoes that causes you to be thinking that splurging is a must like how eating is to all mankind? If you do, continue reading...

To all the guys, have you ever wondered why all girls love heels that made their toes so miserably painful that they whined but they will never let go of the pair that burns your pocket? If you do, continue reading please...

Well, the story is this... Shoes are simply irresistible for girls!!! It is like how a guy must wear necktie to work. We have different names for the pair of "things" that cover the feet... To name a few... We have sandals, heels, pumps, flats, wedges, platforms... Blah blah blah... I used to wonder the same things... Why do girls need so many pairs of shoes??? It is just SHOES... But NOW, it is NOT just shoes... They are simply irresistible.

I think I started purchasing heels and wearing them when I started working as a marketeer... It made a difference on my feet... I'm not short, but wearing them, I feel more confident. They made me even taller, obviously, but I think I look nice when I wear heels and skirt and put on makeup. Haha! All girls look lovelier with all these elements!! LOL! So guys, we girls don't mind you check us out when we're wearing a pair of decent heels, because it is a lovely creation.

What else I want to say about it? I notice that wedges are more comfortable than stiletto heels, though stiletto heels make the legs sexier than usual. In fact, I love both, and especially those with ankle straps!!! There's something about the straps that kept me mesmerized always! However, this time I bought myself a pair of open toe pumps and a pair of wedges from Rachael G, a Singapore-based company, in 1Borneo, KK.

Here are some photos of the two pairs...

I love the design of the box, the colour and the material~

This is the first pair which I was attracted to... I love the design, simple and comfy... This is the nearest I can get to close toe pumps... I like the fact that it comes in three different colour... White, "camel" and black. The white one was gorgeous, camel was normal, black is serious. I love the white one, but I just got myself a pair of white wedges right before CNY, so I've decided to be "serious" this time... LOL! I can wear it with jeans or with office wear. It was a 70% discount deal. Worth the money~ Less than MYR40!

This is another gorgeous pair which I bought... I love the fact that this is my first pair of open toe black 3-inch wedges. In fact, it was the design of the "wedge" itself that caused me to purchase it. And also the tiny golden prints on black. It made the whole pair of heels more adorable... But the heels can't match anything that I have so far...

Here's the 3-inch-high heels of the wedges... The design is a mixture of gold, brown, blue tones. It's lovely to be worn with dresses and also jeans I think. I might try with skirts but I think dresses will look better. Especially simple black dresses~ Hehehe! This pair is also a bargain... 70% discount!!!

So when did I start to become a fashion chic? No idea... It's probably in the nature of all females to love fashion... I'm just excited over the heels I bought, so I'd like to share their beauty with you all! Well, after burning my own pocket, time to save!!! Thank God for the food from CNY lunch in school so I no need to worry about breakfast and lunch these two days I think. Oh!! There's still papaya left in the fridge, and pineapple! I want to cook pineapple chicken tomorrow~ Anybody interested to be my guinea pig? Hehe!

Till then... God bless!

His Grace is Sufficient for Me

This post is in fact a follow-up of my previous entry... I'd say God works in miraculous ways and never ever say never to anything because we'll never know how things will turn out in the end. God is greater than just this, thus it is hard to fathom His steps and plans. Yet, His plans are always to bless us, to give us joy, to love us. Even at times when He performs disciplinary actions on our wild and erratic behaviours. That's our God.

Today is the Feast of the Baptism of Jesus, and I had been looking forward that our first Life Mass of the year would be celebrated by Archbishop John Lee since like Thursday... Thank God for answering my needs and desires! He was the one... Hehe! I was more than happy not to serve in worship but to sit quietly in the VIP seat of frontest pew. If we refer to Joanne's entry, the title for Archbishop is His Lordship... One point of his homily truly affirmed me of my fear and my uncertainty about the path I should take as I continue serving my students in the form of teaching them Religious Knowledge... He mentioned that our mission is to go out and tell the whole world that Jesus is the Son of God.

"Seek the Lord while he may be found, call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake their way, and the unrighteous their thoughts; let them return to the Lord, that he may have mercy on them, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon."
~ Isaiah 55: 6-7 ~

His Lordship also gave an explanation on these two verses which struck me in the form of affirmation that He is with me in this situation I'm facing in school now... He mentioned that many have gone far away from God and thus we should "seek the Lord while He may be found" because there will come a time when He'll not be found. Also, regarding "let the wicked man abandon his way" is a call for us to conversion and new direction in our lives. We have to know our mission to live in this world... It seemed that as I continue seeking the Lord as this is my season to seek God first above all things, I too have to seek a new direction in the things I'm assigned at this moment. I see it as a sign of affirmation that changes should be seen to with regards to the RK teaching for MN students.

The second affirmation came from Derek when we met him after mass for breakfast... I was listening to his conversation with Joannes about knowing our calling from God... He mentioned about writing down things that give us joy in our lives daily and what areas that cause our anger... The joy in our lives is what God is calling us to, and also God will always call us in a way that will prosper us and not harm us. It affirms me of my calling, which I seemed to just know as a teenager years back. As about faith formation for youth, he mentioned about connecting with them, building relationship with them as the first importance. Syllabus and reference are also important, but we also need to understand that all that we do must eventually lead this group of youth closer to God. We ourselves also need to reflect in our lives the presence of God, our relationship with God.

The third affirmation came when Mirina, Von Koh, Jocey and myself went shopping in Karamunsing. God is so amazing and He made me speechless and filled with joy in Salvation Bookstore. It was direct answer to the dilemma I had on my mind since my first clashing with the "Baby Boomer Generation" of RK teachers. It was a book entitled: "Be the Change: Your Guide to Freeing Slaves and Changing the World". Not that I've never experienced God's direct answers, but I still am filled with awe and amazement of how He affirms us, His beloved children.

After three affirmations on the same day, I'm happy and joyful to know where I am led to by the Spirit of God with regards to this "worry". Thus, His grace is indeed sufficient for me...

"Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." So I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."
~ 2 Corinthians 12: 8-9