Lost and Found

I had been bobbing up and down on the surface of rough ocean for many years. Sometimes I found my way to shore, sometimes I pushed the boat back into the ocean unconsciously. This process is exhausting though I am very clear that nothing can deter a wanting will, except the will itself. These few days I have been pondering a lot about past, present and future, and where exactly all the decisions I have made so far are leading me when they are summed up together collectively. All the bad habits I have adopted, all the good things I have learned... in fact, every single second life passes through my life, all bring effects, long-lasting ones, to my life.

After so much time taken to ponder, one thing I am very clear -- in the midst of uncertainty and error-making, I need some sort of certainty. I am who God created me to be and I cannot be who others want me to be. Even when the voice of the world is far louder than the tiny little voice of God residing in me, I have firmly believe what I cannot see, for what I cannot see yet is much more precious than what lies in front of me.

I thank God I am given an opportunity to return to the research and academic field which I desired so much and gave up due to multiple reasons. Due to this God-given opportunity, no matter how tiring it is and will be, I want to at least try more and complain less. All these choices I made, even the wrong ones, led me to a right place. Even though I still am in a tiny little bobbing boat in the midst of a deep and rough ocean, I know the waves on the sea and the wind that blows will lead me to the place I will eventually call home for good. And till this day time, time is precious for I desire to be the me whom God has called me to be. If I am called as an academician, I want to give my 100% to Him by being a just and skillful academician. If I am called as a wife or mother one day, I want to give my 100% to Him by being a responsible and loving mother. Now, I am called to be a student, so my only duty is solely to fulfill His will in my life.

Yes, I found that living in the present is ignoring the voices and complaints that everyone has about everything around me, and continue being me even when others hate me or my guts. And to live life to the fullest.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me,

I was lost, but now I am found,

was blind but now I see.

- John Newton, 1779 -