I'm Back! =)

After two weeks of break from everything in KK, I'm back once again on 13th evening via Airasia. Surprisingly the flight was ok, nothing special except the announcement by the pilot somewhere an hour prior to landing woke me up from my neck-aching sleep! The outcome: Inability to sleep early after a huge supper at my favourite "mee bab*" shop in Lintas with Felix, Von Teo and Ah Boon. Smooth landing, I'd say - Thumbs up for the Captain!

So what have I been doing since 1 Dec 2008?

01/12/08

• Checked all my mails, clearing everything and packing in the morning.
• Had dinner with Mel in airport (thanks for the treat, gal!^__^)
  
• In the air for 2.25 hours and touched down safely around 11.30pm, went for supper with parents.

02/12/08

• Arrived home at 2 something in the morning. Introduction to Kiki and played with him for a moment. Realized he's not-so-chihuahua. (Update: I just checked online and 80% confirmed that he's a min pin/chi mix (miniature pinscher + chihuahua mix).
• Slept late and woke up to the sound of my aunty from Kuantan with her grandchildren (age 8, 10 and 14).

03/12/08

• Visited Batu Pahat (Including the Pantai Minyak Beku and Perigi Batu Pahat).
• Petted humongous "dragon fish" in some temple in BP.

04/12/08

• Visited organic farm (near entrance only) nearby my hometown.
• Went to Pontian to visit my uncle then headed to Kukup for a wonderful seafood meal after strolling on the tiny "roads" in between houses on water. Saw magrove swamp... and wonder why people just don't like to take good care of the ocean environment~

05/12/08

• Met up with my ex-classmate (form 1-6) who was to be married on 07/12/08 to get my invitation card. Had a chat with her and visited our ex-classmate's parents to enquire something. I was rather freaked out by the time we wanted to leave... but thank God everything was alright.
• Stayed at home at night... Just lazing around... and lots of GOOD FOOD!

06/12/08

• Met up with some form 6 ex-classmates at Heidi's to crap a while... Then left for Kluang Parade to lepak for about 45 minutes before sending everybody home and attended mass in St. Louis.
• Was rather panic when found out it was a BM Mass... Kinda weird because I rarely attend BM mass and it was once of those times when I didn't have my daily readings (The Light) with me... When I realized I do know some of the mass parts sung I was really happy... Thanks for my KBHK friends... :P
• Right after mass I went over to Bee Yean's house for a night of crapping and catching up with ex-classmates. One of them I didn't meet since 1999 after SPM (that was like 9 years ago)
• Arrived home with "white-attire" crisis because Byean wanted us to wear white attire in the morning of her wedding... Managed to solve the crisis, thanks for Mommy dear! :D
  

07/12/08

• Woke up about 6.30am... Practically dragged myself off the comfy tilam because I was totally exhausted the night before...
• Was ready and arrived at Byean's house about 7.30am. Had breakfast with bride and others...
• The groom and his team of "brothers" arrived at 9.50am (approx.), 20 mins later than the agreed time of 9.30am...
• We, the "sisters", had some fun before allowing the groom to enter the house, including the request of shouting "I love you" to Byean (she was at 1st floor), pole dancing, singing the 1st song he sang to her and some "tips" for us.
• Then we went over to groom's house, continued feasting and crapping. LOL!
• Evening came and we went for dinner reception... The food was great... Catching up was fun. I met one of my ex-classmate who shifted away after form 2. Wow! My age is catching up I guess!

08/12/08

• My aunty and her family left for Seremban after lunch. So left us at home with Kiki... Kinda bored but was acclimatizing fast with Kiki running everywhere at home. He's just too adorable!

08-11/12/08

• Life is good - just at home, waking up late, eating, watching tv, playing with puppy. I even bathed Kiki (without prior knowledge of bathing a puppy)!
• We even brought Kiki for a walk (I was holding him like a baby though) around my neighbourhood. Duhz! He trembles whenever he leaves his "comfort zone" lah!

12/12/08

• Finally decided to get out of my nutshell and meet up with Byean and Tyan Huey for a drink. I had so many types of food in a day... including super spicy thai tom yam, takoyaki, pau, fried kueh tiau, etc... Not forgetting the ice-cream in the morning!
• Tyan Huey brought her adorable baby daughter out with her when she met us up. She's so beautiful... just slightly loud... as babies are always! LOL! :D
• Arrived home in time to watch "The Little Nyonya" on Channel 8 (Mediacorp, SG) then continued on and on... LOL.
• Slept late again...

13/12/08

• Woke up late, still managed to give Kiki a bath before I bathed.
• Dickson came over at 3pm and off we went to airport. Arrived there about 4plus, had a drink and entered departure hall at 5.20pm.
• Everything went smoothly and touched down at 11plus.

14/12/08

• Woke up 10plus, washed bed sheets and blankets. Was informed by dance classmate of additional dance practice so decided to attend it, after informing my dance partner (thank God he said yes!).
• Had my most "challenging" two hours in dance school because of my poor memory on the steps (thank you, Samantha and Phoebe for revising with me and being so patient with me...)
  
• Went back for a shower and headed for mass in St. Simon, then to SHC for choir practice... Oh gosh! Christmas is coming... How would my Christmas be this year? Last year I spent it with a much-cherished companion and some other friends... I think we went to Bishop's Open House after Christmas morning mass. After that I forgot what we did, maybe just crapping at home... I pondered about that on my way back from SHC... I wonder why. Oh well, reconciliation will not come that easily because of the deep hurts we've inflicted on each other. At least for me at this moment, whatever said and done hurt me and I'm still recuperating from it. To him everything might come easily, cheerful and happy-go-lucky now... Haha! Good for him sincerely! Hope he still remembers our happy times instead of condemning me in his own ways because of ............................ Even if he doesn't, I can only wait for God's timing for His will to unfold. I just know His way is the best way... No explanation required on this statement. Just believe He'll make it right. Haha! I'm learning not to doubt... Seriously. I got serious warning during my quiet time on the mountain...
  
• Painted my nails with Elianto's Party Nail Color (Champagne Gold) after removing the "shimmering purple". For the first time in history I'm keeping long nails, painting them and having fun trying to type with long nails (got stuck in between keys a few times and kept having the accident of pressing caps lock when i pressed shift).
  

15/12/08

• Updating blog...
• Schedule including meeting up my principal in school, Dot Leong in her office for lunch, Von Teo at her house for afternoon exercise. LOL! I gotta spend time with the Lord before anything! :D

I'll upload pics later on la... My schedule is packed with activities and pre-school reopening work to do and I've to find time to compress them...

Till then... Pax et Bonum.

Parts and Parcels of November 19, 2008

Morning
I was in Tshung Tsin to invigilate LCCI exam. Met Miker, one of my dance class classmates. Haha! I never knew he is studying there until today. LOL! Then after the exam, I met another friend of mine... Annie Voo, a teacher in Tshung Tsin now... OMG! I actually got to know her three years ago in St. Simon's Church just because she was sitting next to me and that particular Sunday the commentator actually made us say "Hi" and introduced ourselves to the person sitting next to us. So that's how we met... And now, she's married with a son who is already 7 months old.

Afternoon
Had lunch in one of my favourite shop with Simon and also my colleague Wilson. We went for ngiu chap in Damai, sadly... We didn't get to eat it. I guess we would have to go there early morning or with the right individual to get that very-the-sedap ngiu chap which I've been missing since July -_- But the asam laksa and the ever-so-sedap Teh-C special with cincau (recommended by some1 over two years ago) made me contented. Period. The conversation was great... It was about Simon's experience as a guest DJ in VFM. Haha! I'm thinking of trying that out... *Crossing my fingers here for the right timing...*

After lunch I was suddenly inspired to pay UMS a visit. A sudden i'm-missing-my-life-long-ago wisp. So I called a friend of mine and told her I was coming over. Dropped by at BRI and said Hi to vidarita (gosh, I never realize how much I was missing everyone!!!) and then down to Biotech Research Lab to say Hi to some seniors and junior. Then I drove all the way to Pasca office to have a chat with my beloved Dr. Zaleha, ever so bubbly and cute. Gosh! She's just so nice and wise to be my beloved lecturer. How I'm missing Ms. Teoh here also... T.T Currently Ms. Teoh is in UK for her PhD studies... What Dr. Zaleha really inspired me this afternoon as I shared with her my thought of furthering studies in future was this: "Think of what you really want before you make any decision." There is a hole which requires soil to fill in, and I know that soil is God's love. Then only I can think about furthering studies or anything else...

Evening
Went to evening mass in St. Simon's. It is one of my favourite time of the day now. Somehow, it becomes a highlight of my day... How it ends would be the mass itself. Maybe some might say I'm a fib, faking it out, what-so-ever... This is how I feel tonight... And I just want to write out loud. The more I know about the mass celebration, the more significant I feel everytime I receive the Eucharist... The communion with Christ. That feeling of sealing an agreement. That feeling of leaning on Him when all things fail. His death of the cross just because of me, a sinner?! Some people might think "ppoohhh! you think you are worth that much for the Saviour to die for you meh? dun be so stupid la... you are the worst person i've ever seen!" At this moment, yeah, I do believe Christ died for me out of love and I believe if I want (and yes, I am wanting this moment with Him), I will be healed when I call out loud for Him to save me. Well, Jesus saved Peter when he got distracted by the wind as he walked on water towards Jesus, didn't He? Though He scolded Peter as "man of little faith", He didn't leave him to sink and be consumed by the water and who-knows-what-kind of fish in it. I had a vision after communion just now... Sorry but I can't share with you all now... Later on la...

Rewind a bit... Noves parked her car by my side, but I didn't see her, so as I turned to unlock my car door, I saw a figure standing next to me and I was like "whoah~ who's that?!" look (I hope not). We went for mass and subsequently a dinner (thanks Noves, I always like to have companions for dinner) before returning to church for readers/commentators formation by Fr. Cosmas.

Night
And of course... I was late by few minutes (the most, I hope), because the food was late. LOL! Ok, fine, an excuse. A truthful one though. The whole session was great... God speaks, we respond by saying Yes, God speaks, we say Hi to Him as Jesus speaks, then we respond again by saying the Nicene Creed. Interesting. Then sealing our agreement by the Eucharist. Then as children of God, we ask via Prayer of the Faithful and then get His blessing through the priest and go forth to spread His love. Ok, please add for me, you readers who attended to session, if I miss out anything.

One thing that really amused me was how the Word can be "slaughtered" during mass. Yeah, no kidding... As we mumble our way without knowing the context of it nor understanding of the Word nor living it out ourselves... We "murdered" the Word. When we read with charism, we can move the world to Christianity perhaps... (My interpretation without any notes...) Please take note my audio skill is so bad that I normally have a hard time trying to recall what the discussion was about.

Near Midnight
Here I am blogging about my eventful day. So filled with emotions. So thankful that God allows me the chance to see so much more than I see. I even get to catch up with my coursemate, whom I'll intimately refer her as Lai. Gosh... Only God knows how long connection was being cut off... Only the Lord knows what we had been going through then and now. May God be in the midst of our lives and friendship ^_________^

Now I've something to tell someone... Kinda emo, and perhaps causing certain scrutiny of skeptical people of who I'm refering to. I plead to you all, readers, please don't speculate. Just continue praying that I can solve my jigsaw puzzle in life now. Let God be my judge, let God be our Formator. He knows what's my heart's desires best. God still knows me best...

To whom it may concerned (name withheld to preserve anonymosity):

I'm sorry if me being oblivious to your presence in front of me hurts you.

It hurts me as much as it does to anybody else for me to ignore you completely.

To pretend I don't see you when I feel your presence there without even looking at your face.

I'm not angry with you.

I don't hate you for saying all that you said to me though it hurt me much.

I hope you don't hate me too.

God knows how much I cried after hearing what you said, after reading what you said.

I just need to remain focused on what I should focus on now.

We both need this time of silence and solitude with the Lord alone.

When time comes, I still hope and believe we'll be more understanding and patient towards each other.

When time comes, God's glory will be restored and we'll reconcile.

I believe in God's plan for us.

I still believe in God who believes in us so much that God gave His only begotten Son to die for us.

The Mystery. His Love.

Good night everybody. Time to rest.

God bless!

P/S: My verse today is Revelation 4:11 "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honour and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created."

P.P/S: I'll share about my short trip to Karambunai tomorrow if my line is ok in the afternoon.

10 Nov 2008 20:03 KFC Opposite Cathay Cinema

Almost 24 hours after knowing the truth that had been bothering me for the past three months, I'm in a total solitude with the Lord. What has lost will never come back to me, at least not for now. How long the suffering had been when I didn't know the truth! Though it still stabbed my heart and practically numbed my nervous system, I found back that part of me which went missing three months ago. For once again, I'm in awe of God's grace upon me. Once again, I see God's hands cupping my face, touching me who longed for that physical touch, breathing so near to me, telling me... "You are healed. Now go in peace." Though I still feel that immense loss, my First Love, my Ardent Lover, embraces me tightly, wanting to tell me how much He loves me. I know this suffering will join with His suffering, and at the break of dawn, hope will resurface. And I will be whole again.

I know this inability to sleep in the middle of the night for the past two nights is just short-term effect. I experienced that earlier when I was very sick with flu, cough, fever. Even with two types of medication which caused drowsiness, I would be wide awake in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out trying to breathe and cry and cough at the same time. This time, no cough, no flu, no fever. I just can't sleep. Perhaps I'm too scared to sleep, knowing that there will be a chance I might forget the surge of God's love flooding my empty heart. I don't want to forget, but every morning I woke up with such a void in it. Or maybe, my brain is figuring out how can I stand up again after this betrayal, this strange lie people told right into my face. Christ did, so I have to, even I'm so weak. Christ forgave Judas... Every day ever since July 2008, this strength to carry on is not mine, but His. If it were to be mine, I would have long gone down to hell. Thank God for Christ the strength and refuge for my soul.

I had manicure done in preparation for Lidz's wedding tomorrow... I kinda like the design... And I purchased a dress which I looked good in (finally!) in 1Borneo last night... It was a spur out of the moment kind of splurging on myself...

In fact, I'm missing someone who was so dearly to me that my heart is at the point of breaking again... Because of a person, everything changed. Now, nothing else for me in his life. How I wish things would be better. My heart is crying... I am crying.

Where is the love of God that we used to share? Where is the care and concern we used to share? Where is the vision we shared? Where are you now?

All seems to have gone beyond hopes, nothing else seems to left, just because of that person. I've tried to be nice to that person, but eventually I lost all I cherish to her. Such a joke in my life.

No, I can't take it, I seriously can't. Why in the world she must come into our lives and wrecked mine into pieces? WHY?

I'm losing hope... Even some high authority in a certain group attacks me because of what I posted on FB. I don't even know it was a crime to thank a person whom I cherish and also a person who cared for me a lot in the past. Now, I'm like a boat without a sail, bobbing up and down in the middle of the wide ocean, fears surrounding in the darkness. Once an event was a joy which I cherished, now becomes a nightmare which I'd rather forget.

So the person has light to guide the person whom I cherish to shore. So the person whom I cherish followed her and left me here.

My God will bring me back, I know I'm not alone. Oh mankind! How blind are you to His hand! How unworthy I am to deserve His love for me!

If Only I could, I would

If only I could, I would move mountains and seas to stop something from degrading.

If only I could, I would do whatever I can to wash away all the hurts we all face.

If only I could, I would delete all those humans that caused all these to happen to us.

If only I could, I would erase all the memories that made us cry.

If only I could, I would...

But I couldn't, so I wouldn't be able to...

Thus I can only feel thousands of knives stabbing at the same wound again and again...

Just like a striking force to my heart, strong and hard.

I, finally, got it... In return to what I did to you.

Sometimes I can't breathe...

Sometimes I can't hope...

Sometimes I think God is so far away and hiding His face from me.

When only will He show Himself again?

When only all these will end???