Parts and Parcels of November 19, 2008

Morning
I was in Tshung Tsin to invigilate LCCI exam. Met Miker, one of my dance class classmates. Haha! I never knew he is studying there until today. LOL! Then after the exam, I met another friend of mine... Annie Voo, a teacher in Tshung Tsin now... OMG! I actually got to know her three years ago in St. Simon's Church just because she was sitting next to me and that particular Sunday the commentator actually made us say "Hi" and introduced ourselves to the person sitting next to us. So that's how we met... And now, she's married with a son who is already 7 months old.

Afternoon
Had lunch in one of my favourite shop with Simon and also my colleague Wilson. We went for ngiu chap in Damai, sadly... We didn't get to eat it. I guess we would have to go there early morning or with the right individual to get that very-the-sedap ngiu chap which I've been missing since July -_- But the asam laksa and the ever-so-sedap Teh-C special with cincau (recommended by some1 over two years ago) made me contented. Period. The conversation was great... It was about Simon's experience as a guest DJ in VFM. Haha! I'm thinking of trying that out... *Crossing my fingers here for the right timing...*

After lunch I was suddenly inspired to pay UMS a visit. A sudden i'm-missing-my-life-long-ago wisp. So I called a friend of mine and told her I was coming over. Dropped by at BRI and said Hi to vidarita (gosh, I never realize how much I was missing everyone!!!) and then down to Biotech Research Lab to say Hi to some seniors and junior. Then I drove all the way to Pasca office to have a chat with my beloved Dr. Zaleha, ever so bubbly and cute. Gosh! She's just so nice and wise to be my beloved lecturer. How I'm missing Ms. Teoh here also... T.T Currently Ms. Teoh is in UK for her PhD studies... What Dr. Zaleha really inspired me this afternoon as I shared with her my thought of furthering studies in future was this: "Think of what you really want before you make any decision." There is a hole which requires soil to fill in, and I know that soil is God's love. Then only I can think about furthering studies or anything else...

Evening
Went to evening mass in St. Simon's. It is one of my favourite time of the day now. Somehow, it becomes a highlight of my day... How it ends would be the mass itself. Maybe some might say I'm a fib, faking it out, what-so-ever... This is how I feel tonight... And I just want to write out loud. The more I know about the mass celebration, the more significant I feel everytime I receive the Eucharist... The communion with Christ. That feeling of sealing an agreement. That feeling of leaning on Him when all things fail. His death of the cross just because of me, a sinner?! Some people might think "ppoohhh! you think you are worth that much for the Saviour to die for you meh? dun be so stupid la... you are the worst person i've ever seen!" At this moment, yeah, I do believe Christ died for me out of love and I believe if I want (and yes, I am wanting this moment with Him), I will be healed when I call out loud for Him to save me. Well, Jesus saved Peter when he got distracted by the wind as he walked on water towards Jesus, didn't He? Though He scolded Peter as "man of little faith", He didn't leave him to sink and be consumed by the water and who-knows-what-kind of fish in it. I had a vision after communion just now... Sorry but I can't share with you all now... Later on la...

Rewind a bit... Noves parked her car by my side, but I didn't see her, so as I turned to unlock my car door, I saw a figure standing next to me and I was like "whoah~ who's that?!" look (I hope not). We went for mass and subsequently a dinner (thanks Noves, I always like to have companions for dinner) before returning to church for readers/commentators formation by Fr. Cosmas.

Night
And of course... I was late by few minutes (the most, I hope), because the food was late. LOL! Ok, fine, an excuse. A truthful one though. The whole session was great... God speaks, we respond by saying Yes, God speaks, we say Hi to Him as Jesus speaks, then we respond again by saying the Nicene Creed. Interesting. Then sealing our agreement by the Eucharist. Then as children of God, we ask via Prayer of the Faithful and then get His blessing through the priest and go forth to spread His love. Ok, please add for me, you readers who attended to session, if I miss out anything.

One thing that really amused me was how the Word can be "slaughtered" during mass. Yeah, no kidding... As we mumble our way without knowing the context of it nor understanding of the Word nor living it out ourselves... We "murdered" the Word. When we read with charism, we can move the world to Christianity perhaps... (My interpretation without any notes...) Please take note my audio skill is so bad that I normally have a hard time trying to recall what the discussion was about.

Near Midnight
Here I am blogging about my eventful day. So filled with emotions. So thankful that God allows me the chance to see so much more than I see. I even get to catch up with my coursemate, whom I'll intimately refer her as Lai. Gosh... Only God knows how long connection was being cut off... Only the Lord knows what we had been going through then and now. May God be in the midst of our lives and friendship ^_________^

Now I've something to tell someone... Kinda emo, and perhaps causing certain scrutiny of skeptical people of who I'm refering to. I plead to you all, readers, please don't speculate. Just continue praying that I can solve my jigsaw puzzle in life now. Let God be my judge, let God be our Formator. He knows what's my heart's desires best. God still knows me best...

To whom it may concerned (name withheld to preserve anonymosity):

I'm sorry if me being oblivious to your presence in front of me hurts you.

It hurts me as much as it does to anybody else for me to ignore you completely.

To pretend I don't see you when I feel your presence there without even looking at your face.

I'm not angry with you.

I don't hate you for saying all that you said to me though it hurt me much.

I hope you don't hate me too.

God knows how much I cried after hearing what you said, after reading what you said.

I just need to remain focused on what I should focus on now.

We both need this time of silence and solitude with the Lord alone.

When time comes, I still hope and believe we'll be more understanding and patient towards each other.

When time comes, God's glory will be restored and we'll reconcile.

I believe in God's plan for us.

I still believe in God who believes in us so much that God gave His only begotten Son to die for us.

The Mystery. His Love.

Good night everybody. Time to rest.

God bless!

P/S: My verse today is Revelation 4:11 "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honour and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created."

P.P/S: I'll share about my short trip to Karambunai tomorrow if my line is ok in the afternoon.

November 18, 2008 4:13PM

I'm leaving FB for the time being.

It's sad, it's disturbing. But for real.

I'm cutting strings. I'm trying not to cry.

I have to. No other choice.

For the sake of a bigger picture.

A jigsaw that I'm called to solve.

A life which I'm called to.

To learn to love.

To learn to hope.

To learn to lean.

Not on myself.

Not on others.

But on the big big God.

He's big enough to carry me through this.

I know He is.

Thank God for Mel for saying OK to journey with me.

Thank God for all the things that happened.

Thank God for all the things that are being revealed.

I might not know what will happen tomorrow,

but I know who holds my hand.

Thank You, God.

Happy Birthday, Uncle

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, UNCLE!!!

Perhaps the clouds between us had gotten too dark,
perhaps this silence is required now,
perhaps our relationship ain't that perfect,
perhaps our forgiveness becomes limited,
perhaps our patience has left us empty,
perhaps our strength has gone for vacation,
perhaps our hope has been disappointed,
perhaps this is another starting point for us,
perhaps one day I can say to you face to face again,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Uncle!"


BUT FOR NOW,
I'll just pray you have a blessed birthday,
a day to remember,
a day to never forget.
May your days be joyful,
may your days be hopeful,
may your days be pleasant,
may all you do is according to the Father's will.
God loves you so much that He's putting you through the tests you're going through,
all because He knows you can go through them all,
by His strength,
by His grace,
by His word.
Amen.

Jesus loves you, so do we all here...

What's the difference between 2008 and 2007?

Shorter hair?
Fairer skin?
Lovelier cake?

The difference is...
You made a difference in our lives.

Jesus Won It All (Hillsongs)

This is one of the songs which I'm hanging on to at this moment. Just want to share with all of you here.

10 Nov 2008 20:03 KFC Opposite Cathay Cinema

Almost 24 hours after knowing the truth that had been bothering me for the past three months, I'm in a total solitude with the Lord. What has lost will never come back to me, at least not for now. How long the suffering had been when I didn't know the truth! Though it still stabbed my heart and practically numbed my nervous system, I found back that part of me which went missing three months ago. For once again, I'm in awe of God's grace upon me. Once again, I see God's hands cupping my face, touching me who longed for that physical touch, breathing so near to me, telling me... "You are healed. Now go in peace." Though I still feel that immense loss, my First Love, my Ardent Lover, embraces me tightly, wanting to tell me how much He loves me. I know this suffering will join with His suffering, and at the break of dawn, hope will resurface. And I will be whole again.

I know this inability to sleep in the middle of the night for the past two nights is just short-term effect. I experienced that earlier when I was very sick with flu, cough, fever. Even with two types of medication which caused drowsiness, I would be wide awake in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out trying to breathe and cry and cough at the same time. This time, no cough, no flu, no fever. I just can't sleep. Perhaps I'm too scared to sleep, knowing that there will be a chance I might forget the surge of God's love flooding my empty heart. I don't want to forget, but every morning I woke up with such a void in it. Or maybe, my brain is figuring out how can I stand up again after this betrayal, this strange lie people told right into my face. Christ did, so I have to, even I'm so weak. Christ forgave Judas... Every day ever since July 2008, this strength to carry on is not mine, but His. If it were to be mine, I would have long gone down to hell. Thank God for Christ the strength and refuge for my soul.

I had manicure done in preparation for Lidz's wedding tomorrow... I kinda like the design... And I purchased a dress which I looked good in (finally!) in 1Borneo last night... It was a spur out of the moment kind of splurging on myself...

In fact, I'm missing someone who was so dearly to me that my heart is at the point of breaking again... Because of a person, everything changed. Now, nothing else for me in his life. How I wish things would be better. My heart is crying... I am crying.

Where is the love of God that we used to share? Where is the care and concern we used to share? Where is the vision we shared? Where are you now?

All seems to have gone beyond hopes, nothing else seems to left, just because of that person. I've tried to be nice to that person, but eventually I lost all I cherish to her. Such a joke in my life.

No, I can't take it, I seriously can't. Why in the world she must come into our lives and wrecked mine into pieces? WHY?

I'm losing hope... Even some high authority in a certain group attacks me because of what I posted on FB. I don't even know it was a crime to thank a person whom I cherish and also a person who cared for me a lot in the past. Now, I'm like a boat without a sail, bobbing up and down in the middle of the wide ocean, fears surrounding in the darkness. Once an event was a joy which I cherished, now becomes a nightmare which I'd rather forget.

So the person has light to guide the person whom I cherish to shore. So the person whom I cherish followed her and left me here.

My God will bring me back, I know I'm not alone. Oh mankind! How blind are you to His hand! How unworthy I am to deserve His love for me!

Tagged by Joanne Wee

1) Do you think you're hot
- I guess I'm sexy somehow... Is that considered as hot??


2) Upload your favourite picture of you!


3) Why do you like that picture?
- The smile function on uncle's new toy, his brother's camera and the white teeth combined with the "in the dark coz ngam ngam black out in lintas" scenario. It was as pure as cotton wool, without any intention.


4) When was the last time you ate pizza ?
- Deepavali - Lidz's sister's birthday in her house...


5) The last song you listen to ?
- The Music of the Night by Michael Crawford (The Phantom of the Opera)


6) What are you doing right now besides this ?

- Listening to my fav OST from The Phantom of the Opera, checking FB's Friends for Sale

7) What name would you prefer besides yours ?
- Judith


People to tag:
- Joanne Wee (again)
- Karen Chin (unsure if she would do anything about it)
- Denis Tsen (i don't think he's my avid reader, nor anything near to it)
- BY (a stalker of blogs, if she ever stumbles into this, she would know it's her I'm referring to)


8) Who is number one?
- My CG member, the one who sent me this tagging thingy


9) Number three is having a relationship with?
- I no longer have an idea who is he having a relationship with... He knows himself best his current status and current relationship.


10)Say something about no.4

- I've never met such a person in my life, stalking blogs, friendster profiles and checking people using their IC No and then spreads out to other people without asking permission from the owner of the IC No. She requires 101% of prayers from us all. Please pray for her.

12) Who is number two ?

- Another CG member, currently in KL studying. Can't wait for her and yvonne yee to come back so that we can get-together with Joanne for our long-awaited crapping session. Love ya all, my dears...