Almost 24 hours after knowing the truth that had been bothering me for the past three months, I'm in a total solitude with the Lord. What has lost will never come back to me, at least not for now. How long the suffering had been when I didn't know the truth! Though it still stabbed my heart and practically numbed my nervous system, I found back that part of me which went missing three months ago. For once again, I'm in awe of God's grace upon me. Once again, I see God's hands cupping my face, touching me who longed for that physical touch, breathing so near to me, telling me... "You are healed. Now go in peace." Though I still feel that immense loss, my First Love, my Ardent Lover, embraces me tightly, wanting to tell me how much He loves me. I know this suffering will join with His suffering, and at the break of dawn, hope will resurface. And I will be whole again.
I know this inability to sleep in the middle of the night for the past two nights is just short-term effect. I experienced that earlier when I was very sick with flu, cough, fever. Even with two types of medication which caused drowsiness, I would be wide awake in the middle of the night coughing my lungs out trying to breathe and cry and cough at the same time. This time, no cough, no flu, no fever. I just can't sleep. Perhaps I'm too scared to sleep, knowing that there will be a chance I might forget the surge of God's love flooding my empty heart. I don't want to forget, but every morning I woke up with such a void in it. Or maybe, my brain is figuring out how can I stand up again after this betrayal, this strange lie people told right into my face. Christ did, so I have to, even I'm so weak. Christ forgave Judas... Every day ever since July 2008, this strength to carry on is not mine, but His. If it were to be mine, I would have long gone down to hell. Thank God for Christ the strength and refuge for my soul.
Monday, 10 November 2008
Friday, 7 November 2008
I had manicure done in preparation for Lidz's wedding tomorrow... I kinda like the design... And I purchased a dress which I looked good in (finally!) in 1Borneo last night... It was a spur out of the moment kind of splurging on myself...
In fact, I'm missing someone who was so dearly to me that my heart is at the point of breaking again... Because of a person, everything changed. Now, nothing else for me in his life. How I wish things would be better. My heart is crying... I am crying.
Where is the love of God that we used to share? Where is the care and concern we used to share? Where is the vision we shared? Where are you now?
All seems to have gone beyond hopes, nothing else seems to left, just because of that person. I've tried to be nice to that person, but eventually I lost all I cherish to her. Such a joke in my life.
No, I can't take it, I seriously can't. Why in the world she must come into our lives and wrecked mine into pieces? WHY?
I'm losing hope... Even some high authority in a certain group attacks me because of what I posted on FB. I don't even know it was a crime to thank a person whom I cherish and also a person who cared for me a lot in the past. Now, I'm like a boat without a sail, bobbing up and down in the middle of the wide ocean, fears surrounding in the darkness. Once an event was a joy which I cherished, now becomes a nightmare which I'd rather forget.
So the person has light to guide the person whom I cherish to shore. So the person whom I cherish followed her and left me here.
My God will bring me back, I know I'm not alone. Oh mankind! How blind are you to His hand! How unworthy I am to deserve His love for me!
In fact, I'm missing someone who was so dearly to me that my heart is at the point of breaking again... Because of a person, everything changed. Now, nothing else for me in his life. How I wish things would be better. My heart is crying... I am crying.
Where is the love of God that we used to share? Where is the care and concern we used to share? Where is the vision we shared? Where are you now?
All seems to have gone beyond hopes, nothing else seems to left, just because of that person. I've tried to be nice to that person, but eventually I lost all I cherish to her. Such a joke in my life.
No, I can't take it, I seriously can't. Why in the world she must come into our lives and wrecked mine into pieces? WHY?
I'm losing hope... Even some high authority in a certain group attacks me because of what I posted on FB. I don't even know it was a crime to thank a person whom I cherish and also a person who cared for me a lot in the past. Now, I'm like a boat without a sail, bobbing up and down in the middle of the wide ocean, fears surrounding in the darkness. Once an event was a joy which I cherished, now becomes a nightmare which I'd rather forget.
So the person has light to guide the person whom I cherish to shore. So the person whom I cherish followed her and left me here.
My God will bring me back, I know I'm not alone. Oh mankind! How blind are you to His hand! How unworthy I am to deserve His love for me!
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Tagged by Joanne Wee
1) Do you think you're hot
- I guess I'm sexy somehow... Is that considered as hot??
2) Upload your favourite picture of you!
3) Why do you like that picture?
- The smile function on uncle's new toy, his brother's camera and the white teeth combined with the "in the dark coz ngam ngam black out in lintas" scenario. It was as pure as cotton wool, without any intention.
4) When was the last time you ate pizza ?
- Deepavali - Lidz's sister's birthday in her house...
5) The last song you listen to ?
- The Music of the Night by Michael Crawford (The Phantom of the Opera)
6) What are you doing right now besides this ?
7) What name would you prefer besides yours ?
- Judith
People to tag:
- Joanne Wee (again)
- Karen Chin (unsure if she would do anything about it)
- Denis Tsen (i don't think he's my avid reader, nor anything near to it)
- BY (a stalker of blogs, if she ever stumbles into this, she would know it's her I'm referring to)
8) Who is number one?
- My CG member, the one who sent me this tagging thingy
9) Number three is having a relationship with?
- I no longer have an idea who is he having a relationship with... He knows himself best his current status and current relationship.
10)Say something about no.4
12) Who is number two ?
- I guess I'm sexy somehow... Is that considered as hot??
2) Upload your favourite picture of you!
3) Why do you like that picture?
- The smile function on uncle's new toy, his brother's camera and the white teeth combined with the "in the dark coz ngam ngam black out in lintas" scenario. It was as pure as cotton wool, without any intention.
4) When was the last time you ate pizza ?
- Deepavali - Lidz's sister's birthday in her house...
5) The last song you listen to ?
- The Music of the Night by Michael Crawford (The Phantom of the Opera)
6) What are you doing right now besides this ?
- Listening to my fav OST from The Phantom of the Opera, checking FB's Friends for Sale
7) What name would you prefer besides yours ?
- Judith
People to tag:
- Joanne Wee (again)
- Karen Chin (unsure if she would do anything about it)
- Denis Tsen (i don't think he's my avid reader, nor anything near to it)
- BY (a stalker of blogs, if she ever stumbles into this, she would know it's her I'm referring to)
8) Who is number one?
- My CG member, the one who sent me this tagging thingy
9) Number three is having a relationship with?
- I no longer have an idea who is he having a relationship with... He knows himself best his current status and current relationship.
10)Say something about no.4
- I've never met such a person in my life, stalking blogs, friendster profiles and checking people using their IC No and then spreads out to other people without asking permission from the owner of the IC No. She requires 101% of prayers from us all. Please pray for her.
12) Who is number two ?
- Another CG member, currently in KL studying. Can't wait for her and yvonne yee to come back so that we can get-together with Joanne for our long-awaited crapping session. Love ya all, my dears...
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Saturday, 25 October 2008
If Only I could, I would
If only I could, I would move mountains and seas to stop something from degrading.
If only I could, I would do whatever I can to wash away all the hurts we all face.
If only I could, I would delete all those humans that caused all these to happen to us.
If only I could, I would erase all the memories that made us cry.
If only I could, I would...
But I couldn't, so I wouldn't be able to...
Thus I can only feel thousands of knives stabbing at the same wound again and again...
Just like a striking force to my heart, strong and hard.
I, finally, got it... In return to what I did to you.
Sometimes I can't breathe...
Sometimes I can't hope...
Sometimes I think God is so far away and hiding His face from me.
When only will He show Himself again?
When only all these will end???
If only I could, I would do whatever I can to wash away all the hurts we all face.
If only I could, I would delete all those humans that caused all these to happen to us.
If only I could, I would erase all the memories that made us cry.
If only I could, I would...
But I couldn't, so I wouldn't be able to...
Thus I can only feel thousands of knives stabbing at the same wound again and again...
Just like a striking force to my heart, strong and hard.
I, finally, got it... In return to what I did to you.
Sometimes I can't breathe...
Sometimes I can't hope...
Sometimes I think God is so far away and hiding His face from me.
When only will He show Himself again?
When only all these will end???
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Saturday, 18 October 2008
It is 2.46am, Sunday, 19 October 2008
Yeah... I know, I'm supposed to be snoozing instead of blogging... I have piles of papers to correct. I'm getting the marking-paper-anxiety-disorder again. Hahahaha! I had Ice Blended Black Forest of Coffee Bean with lots of choc chips and whipped cream. I guess that's what kept me awake? Gee... Looking at the condition of "over-charged by adrenaline" excretory system of mine, I think it'll be a very very long time until I take another time of that favourite drink of mine! :( My digestion system is screaming "No-way I'm going to digest that heck lot of caffeine again in my territory! It is causing system down and my babies (cells) to suffocate in silence!!!" and my excretory system is yelling, "For gracious sake, please don't cause my babies (cells) to suffer the impossibility of absorbing water!!"
Ok... It's 3.03 am... This means I was in the washroom long enough to finish reading an article in Readers' Digest, plus the column of "As Kids See It" as well as some ads. Alright, I think I have to really reconsider coffee as my final food intake... I've been binging the whole day in fact - on fats, etc. Ya... ya... Ya... I know it is NOT GOOD... I just wanted to compensate for the days I didn't really eat... OKOKOK, I know a healthy diet is good for my stomach and prevention of gastristis...
Let's see what I had: a breakfast of kon lau mee tikus, lunch of McD, Easyway's Pearl Milky Tea, fried kueh tiau, ice blended black forest with choc chips. That's A LOT!
I'm repenting... Yes, I do... My stomach seems to be calling me for another roadtrip to release tension... I shall ber-tahan until I can't... This will be the 5th time I return to the same location~ No good, no good, no good... I hope it is not a case of bad cockles... Or Paralytic Shellfish Poisoning... Oh well, haven't heard of any HAB bloom around KK waters recently... So they should be safe for consumption...
^^|| I need home-cooked food by mothers... Anybody willing to supply me with some? Hahaha!
Alright, signing off at 3.13 am of the same day.
P/S: Joanne... my comment box also a bit cold these days...
(Comment box: "Psst...It's freezing in here!")
Ok... It's 3.03 am... This means I was in the washroom long enough to finish reading an article in Readers' Digest, plus the column of "As Kids See It" as well as some ads. Alright, I think I have to really reconsider coffee as my final food intake... I've been binging the whole day in fact - on fats, etc. Ya... ya... Ya... I know it is NOT GOOD... I just wanted to compensate for the days I didn't really eat... OKOKOK, I know a healthy diet is good for my stomach and prevention of gastristis...
Let's see what I had: a breakfast of kon lau mee tikus, lunch of McD, Easyway's Pearl Milky Tea, fried kueh tiau, ice blended black forest with choc chips. That's A LOT!
I'm repenting... Yes, I do... My stomach seems to be calling me for another roadtrip to release tension... I shall ber-tahan until I can't... This will be the 5th time I return to the same location~ No good, no good, no good... I hope it is not a case of bad cockles... Or Paralytic Shellfish Poisoning... Oh well, haven't heard of any HAB bloom around KK waters recently... So they should be safe for consumption...
^^|| I need home-cooked food by mothers... Anybody willing to supply me with some? Hahaha!
Alright, signing off at 3.13 am of the same day.
P/S: Joanne... my comment box also a bit cold these days...
(Comment box: "Psst...It's freezing in here!")
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