64 Days to Christmas

There are 64 days to Christmas and I am still struggling with everything in the world. I lose sight of my original vision and frankly speaking, sometimes I wonder if what I am doing right now is really what I am called to do. I came with a certainty that this is where God is calling me to be, but Europe is large enough to question myself, "Where exactly in Europe?" The place I want to be might not be the place I'm called to be. Only God knows. Sometimes I feel like the cross on my shoulders is heavy and there's a temptation to leave the cross and walk off into the world... But these few days the readings have been about mission in life, about perseverance. It was the feast day of St. Luke the Apostle some days ago, and I was reminded by the story that Luke stayed with Paul when everyone else fled. And it's almost a reminder for me to hang in there. More an encouragement than a reminder I'd say... I'm hopeful for the next two semesters, in Lisbon then in Lincoln. The thought of attending English Sunday masses keeps me going for now, though I'd like to gain enough knowledge in Spanish language to be able to understand a little bit of what the parish priest of Iglesia San Salvador y Santo Domingo is saying weekly during masses and before Adoremus. It's a pity because I know he's saying something really beautiful to God's people in church...

The biggest question these days is "Am I ready to receive Baby Jesus when He comes on Christmas?"

Well, are you ready?

Lord, we thank you for having died on the cross for us.Most fortunate is the person who walks by the way of Calvary, following Jesus our redeemer, for if we suffer with Christ now, we shall reign with Christ in the glory of the Father.Those who suffer tribulations, suffering, persecutions, and are despised for the love of God are helping Jesus Christ carry his cross. If they persevere, they will be partakers of his glory in heaven.Let us be glad when we are afflicted and the cross is most heavy on our shoulders, because then if we suffer with the patience of Christ we will begin to be his disciples.

- St. Paul of the Cross -

Bigger than My Birthday

Perhaps I have been rather self-centered these days, and more than ever, self-pitying. It's shameful to be in this kind of condition most of the time since I don't know when. And with the whole pressure building up due to my upcoming birthday, I lose sight of what is really important in my life. I wish I can focus better, remember the original intention of me attending school again to attempt Masters degree and to serve God better in difficult times. Yet, I end up being more self-focus, isolating myself more and more from people each day. My best defence against the world seems to be building a wall around myself to hide from others. The Lord knows I need to change this!!

It's always All Saints' Day the day after my birthday, and serving in church back in KK shaped my birthday to attending evening mass on the eve of All Saints Day. Now I'm here... What shall I do?

MV Doulos, MV Logos Hope...

I was invited on FB to attend an Empowered Ministry session by the MV Logos Hope team. Wow. So fast it has been two years. The last time I went to a ship bookstore was when MV Doulos went to Kota Kinabalu. In fact, I was honoured to have gone to MV Doulos four times: once in 2007 with my best friend, thrice in 2009. One time I went with the students, second time I went with Irene and the final time was to visit Olga, one of missionaries I got to know. It was a wonderful experience of visiting the ship. I can't imagine the loss I would feel the next time MV Logos Hope visits KK. According to the upcoming ports timetable, she will dock in KK after her visit to Kuching. Haha.. I miss the times when I bought so many books in Doulos. How I missed those times...

Christmas is coming, and Sacred Heart Cathedral English Choir and Friends are preparing for Christmas cantata and mass. How I wish I am there with them... I know I am replaceable, but in my heart, the times I spent with the group will never be replaced no matter how far I go. As we prepare to advance into a new year when Advent, it's time for me to prepare my heart to await for the new born King. Like the three kings from the east who seek and found the King in the form of a little babe in the manger, I want to seek and find God in my life no matter how tough it is right now....

Birthday and Disasters

This month is a birthday month... It's also my birthday month. It's strange that some people could just request what they want on their birthdays and everyone would do it for them. I'm good at planning surprise birthday celebrations for my friends... but I suck at planning my own :P 

Frankly speaking, I always have problems dealing with my own birthday. For many years it has been a comfort that my birthday falls on the eve of All Saints' Day, so I had always attended mass on the evening of my birthday. It's been a somewhat profound experience of my 25th birthday to have a dream come true, but it turns out that it was just nothing but a dream. My 26th birthday was a surprise which turned out to be a horrible disaster subsequently which left me rather scarred. My 27th birthday was the first time I celebrated a birthday without my father, and 28th birthday... I came down from Kaingaran after the spiritual retreat and had dinner alone in Upperstar as I had no plans and everybody was occupied with something somewhat on that day. Thank God I texted a new friend when I was eating and he was willing to go out for some coffee and cheese cake right before the clock struck twelve. The birthday dinner was a day later with some friends... Maybe this year I'd plan my solo visit to the zoo in Cordoba after classes in the morning. Sometimes I wish people would remember my birthday instead of me reminding them always. Haha. My dad was the only person who never forgot my birthday all these years of being his daughter :) For this, I thank God to have given me such a wonderful father.

Sorry for such a depressive entry. It's just how it is like - life is.

Prayer Walk with Jesus

This is the building where I have my classes...

Today I woke up a minute before the alarm clock rang. It amazed me more than anything to be able to be awakened before the alarm clock. So I got ready, even had breakfast of salami with cheese spread sandwich and a cup of milk before leaving the house. Slowly I waited for the bus and then arrived the campus half an hour before class starts. I slept late last night, so I walked to the library to get a cuppa coffee from the coffee vending machine. Yummy coffee from the machine more than the freshly-brewed coffee. Haha!

As I walked back to the class, I had a chat with Jesus. It has been a long while since I walked and talked to the Lord as my Friend, my Companion. The steady and faithful companion, I'd say. It was beautiful, to see the birds in the air, awakened by the daylight and started their daily lives of finding food and flying freely in the air. Today's readings are about the theme "Be not afraid". Apparently there are 365 verses of "be not afraid" in different versions in the bible. Each day, God is comforting us to not be afraid but be strengthened.

Today's Gospel is taken from Luke 12:1-7, but what really struck me is verse 12, "But even the hairs of your head are all counted. Do not be afraid; you are more value than many sparrows". This is how much we mean to God. I am encouraged by this verse to persevere when things get tough here in Cordoba, especially when it comes to not knowing Spanish and have to attend masses in this language. It sometimes drives me nuts.

The lecturer is here. Time to start working smart :)

May God bless the world and that they will know who Jesus is!

I'm missing everything about Kota Kinabalu now... from the food to the people to the availability of Starbucks coffee and Coffee Bean anytime I want. Last night I made dumplings for dinner to satisfy my desire of eating "wo tie", the fried dumpling. Though it's not the Lotus Restaurant standard, but I sorta gotten by with the self-made dumplings. Didn't taste so great when it's fried, but it tasted all right when it's boiled. A success, definitely.

Here's the picture from a crappy phone camera...

I know it looked pretty good right? Haha. I offered some to my Spanish coursemate later and I think he's still alive after consuming them. So, my experiment didn't kill anyone :)

The Fourth Weekend in Cordoba

A month in Cordoba, and the furthest I've been is the Puerte del Romano at the historical side of the city, near where I stay. I have completed one month of not traveling. So once there's money from the scholarship, it's time for me to travel a bit...

Today I want to share a story of wolves in sheepskin. Too often, come to think of that, we see wolves in sheepskin. And we sometimes too become wolves in sheepskin. All these "efforts" are fueled by the need to profit something out of people. The something could be anything: money, relationships, attention, power, etc. The list goes on forever. Sometimes, we don't realize we're being eaten by the wolf until it is too late. Sometimes, when we realize it, we are at the point of death. Yet, when our alarm rings within us and we found ourselves in the mouth of the wolf, the question would be: do we want to fight back and maybe win the battle, or just let the wolf consume our flesh?

I've been in the condition where the wolf consumed me without me knowing. By the time I realized I was already dying. And indeed, it ate the whole me up, killing me softly. Recently, I got to know a wolf in the sheepskin again. I though this she-wolf is a lamb in the first place, all so innocent and seemingly kind. But when I sense kiasu-ness and pretense seeping in, it was rather odd. My continuous observations made me see selfishness and the smartness beneath all the fabricated innocence. It made me nauseous to be in the same space as the she-wolf. Perhaps all the past experiences with another wolf made me more alert about how this species of wolf preyed for it's food, that's why I am highly alert now.

I have always been a loner by nature, given to the family background I have... With only a younger brother, and both parents working, I have learned independence in doing things on my own, play on my own.. That doesn't mean I don't want to depend on others. It's just that I've always been seen as a strong and independent person. When I cried out loud the first time I was eaten by the wolf, everyone left me on my own to lick my wound, not knowing that I died. This time, I know I will not die. I will survive and outlive the she-wolf. It's time for me to refocus and follow the plans God has for me. Sometimes, people's advices are I shouldn't be so strong so that I won't intimidate the men who might want to pursue me. Yet, I believe a strong man who is after God's own heart like David, if God's willing, to pursue me will not want the pretentious me. I am strong not because of myself, but because I am weak and MY GOD IS STRONG.

So, she-wolf, it's payback time.