Finally, The End

The whole year in UK has been great. I've made some good friends, both here in Lincoln and everywhere else. Every step I took, be it a positive or a negative one, I'm glad there are few individuals, whose names I shall retain from public eyes, who walked with me and still are walking with me. Travels were more interesting with your presence, food tasted better with you by my side, soap opera tales from dramatic me became some comedies with your laughters at my expenses, breakfasts after Sunday masses were fun time of catching up with you, the adventure of getting lost in some foreign city when it was dark, cold and raining was bearable and memorable. It took me a while to sort out my thoughts and right now, besides trying to pack up for the major move to my temporary abode out of kindness and hospitality of fellow Malaysians, I'm trying to sort of my heart and mind.

My Ethiopian coursemate, Sammy, and I had a short sharing over Thai lunch before he left. We both spoke about a real break after the two years of hardwork completing this Masters program. Indeed, sweat and tears, adding blood to the equation for the severity of it. He wishes for at least 4 months of real break, away from anything and everything. Me, the travel bunny (as per the youngling of cohort 2 today), had been sneaking off to various countries in these two years whenever money and desires crossed path. A 16-day journey to Ireland is my latest plan. Yeah, I could have done a 16-day eastern Europe trip, if the flights were cheaper. But I did feel called to go there for mini retreats and spend some time seeking God the Artist of Life through nature.

I'm in my final three nights in this lovely studio flat of mine beside returning the keys and bid goodbye to a warm, cosy dog nest of mine. During cold winter nights, my room was fuming hot. My fear of cold house subsided and conquered because of the never ending warmth. I know it'll be hard to say goodbye, just like how it was when I bade goodbye to the house I stayed for six years in Kota Kinabalu. Everything is everywhere right now. Procrastinating packing is the phrase. I don't want to leave!!!! T.T

Tidying up my project already, tying some loose ends. Meeting the junior from Cohort 2 was a realisation that I've completed the degree. Thank God for His wondrous and amazing love and blessings. Without Him, I wouldn't have made it this far.

Praise Him! ALLELUIA!

After 24 Hours of Darkness, I'm Out of It!

After a day dwelling in negative side of things, I've decided to walk out of darkness by embracing the uncharted future with slightly more courage than yesterday. Ain't easy, the negativity still looms around like shadow (which won't go away because shadows and sunlight do go hand in hand with each other). Two sides of the same coin, in fact, my miseries and how the Lord can work in me. I was walking towards darkness last night. The Lord saw me, and my guardian angel probably stood by my side keeping me from being sucked into total darkness. I'm thankful it was the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola on 31st July and I made it a point to attend mass on feast days of my patron saints.

Yesterday, I dwelt on how a person would choose to walk away eventually from me just because I am me, and how I define close friend. After much thoughts, reflections and considerations, perhaps it was just a mechanism that shows how fearful we both are when it comes to taking a step forward to be closer friends. Fear sometimes can cause us to freeze at where we are, because we don't know how to handle it. I froze to my seat in fear upon returning from Poland and broke down because I didn't know how I could handle my unwritten dissertation. Thank God for those who were patient with me during the difficult period of time.

Back to the story of my patron saints... The one whose name I bear is St. Therese of Lisieux. My baptismal name is Cindy Theresa (Theresa is a variant of Therese). Her feast day is 1 October. With her I made the journey to learn how to love once again. Then, there's St. Jude Thaddeus, whose feast day is on 28 October. He's the one I seek for intercessions all the time for impossible cases and prayers had been answered through his intercessions indeed. I've come to appreciate the Ignatian spirituality founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. By pure coincidence (though I believe that nothing is truly a coincidence to God), I stumbled into the monastery, La Cova de Manresa, Barcelona, where St. Ignatius of Loyola spent eleven months to write the book of the Spiritual Exercises. Honestly, I've not experienced the full Spiritual Exercises before as I'm unsure if I could handle it by myself. The Lord blessed me with the presence of Fr. Tri Dinh while I was on a supposed personal retreat in the Cave when I was told there won't be any English-speaking priest available to guide me. That was two years ago. Yet, it is fresh in my memory the strange peace which overcame me when I was in the tiny little cave while Fr. Tri Dinh told me that St. Ignatius was there some 500 years ago. I realise that subconsciously I become more aware of myself as I reflect deeper of my being. That's why St. Ignatius is also my patron saint.

A verse from Ezekiel which comforted me some years back on my decisions then jumped back at me last night, reminding me where I am is where I should be, and what I should be seeking too. So I'm jumping at these coming months of homeless wanderings and uncharted waters with a new-found courage, to find the new heart and new spirit which God promises me.

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

(Ezekiel 36:26, NRSV)

My heart has been calling me to visit Republic of Ireland for a while now. I'm still unsure what it is all about, but I'm very certain and at peace with the idea of a two-week journey to Ireland. I took some time off from things, and focused on laying out a plan. The one-way flight from Manchester to Dublin was booked, and the hostel stays were reserved in several locations. The planner me wanted to be sure I have a roof over my head wherever I go, so I got the hostels planned first. The transportation and other details I will work out later on. So far, my heart is thrilled about going into the mountains of Connemara of west Ireland. I wish I could stay longer, but the accommodation was unavailable. Solely the two nights there, so I shall make the best out of what I have. Honestly, I'm actually spending more time in the wild wild west of Ireland rather than the east. This is a journey I have chosen to go. Let's see what God has in mind for me as I walk with Him through this.

After 24 hours of dark night of my soul, the usual me is back. More courage, not my own, but the Lord's. All glory and thanks be to my God!

The Time of the Year Again...

A day to the last day of July, and my heart is crushed to ashes. Will it ever be healed? Will I ever have the courage to be close to people again? I tried to trust, and I trusted fully. Yet, the friendship was heading to doom right from the start. I thought maybe if we give it a try by compromising and tolerating each other, perhaps this friendship can be saved. After all, we had nothing to lose by trying.

To YOU: 

After countless visits, two musicals, two oversea trips with friends, a movie, endless chats, I still have to prepare my heart to let you go, because I have defined you as my close friend and now you want to walk away because you don't want to be fit into my definition of close friends. I read it as "if I am me, then I am not good enough to be close to you". Yet I know, this will take me a long time, because our memories aren't written in carbon, so I can't just erase it. Nor were they saved in some *.docx files, which I can press "delete" and they will be gone forever. Everyone else was worried that I'll burn myself, but I trusted you that you wouldn't be like every other friend I had who would leave me because I am me.

From ME.

Right now, I'm indeed in the darkest time of my life. A person whom I thought know me well enough told me that he'd walk away from me just because of my definition of close friend and he doesn't want to be defined as my close friend. A bleak future because I have no job opportunity anywhere and scholarship for Ph.D. in Cambridge doesn't seem to have any news. My masters is completed, and I have another two weeks before I have to evacuate from this room, with no plans ahead. My mother had been asking me for the past two years if I have a boyfriend, and NO, I don't have and nobody is pursuing me, so going home will be a pain. Everyone else is married and attached and seems to know what they want in life, while I am just lagging behind, knowing I want to get another degree because I have no commitment, no one who is looking forward to have me closer, no one wants to be with me.

Perhaps, it is time for me to admit... Yes, I am single, and perhaps, desperate. I just want someone who would care if I had eaten, or where I have been, or what do I want to do, or how do I feel this morning, or just any little detail which doesn't seem to matter to anybody really. Someone who would care to listen when I'm being defiant and destructive like Stitch. Someone who would hold on to me when I can't hold myself together because I am sucked into the whirl of depression or confusion. Someone who would appreciate me for being me, and would do anything he could to stop me from evolving into someone I'm not just to please others or himself. Someone who would tell me it's okay to be sad because we have to be apart from each other and would comfort me even from afar. Someone who allows me to share my deepest desires and darkest thoughts, and lets me talk about God and spiritual stuffs without telling me it is too deep for him to handle. Someone who would compliment me even when I am at my worst self, and complement me by being the sunshine and rainbow when I'm not. I promise I will try to be the same for this someone too.

I bawled my heart out to God just now because of the text message which crushed me. If not because of Jesus, I guess I'd have died a thousand times. I know eventually I will be alright, even though I can't see how I can carry on living right now. No plans, no future, nothing. Even if I made mistakes, I know God doesn't. There is a reason for every season.

I guess many people pretend they are okay when they are not. The society forms the pressure of needing to be at our best and people are only accepted when they are "normal" according to the world. I am not okay, so it's best for me to get away from the world and into my own tiny comfort zone. Can I just run away to a place where I can be me? I ran away thousands of miles from home so that I can find me. I found me, but I am still rejected for being me. Is being me such a horrible crime?

Some Pensive Reflections About Myself...

As the night ages on, the emotions tend to be stronger. That's why, when it comes to sharing inner thoughts, heart talks, feelings, night time is the best. At least it is for me. I'm a WOMAN, so I CAN sit and talk all day. This has a lot to do with my major love language, which is SPENDING TIME..

(Source: http://1catholicsalmon.com/2012/03/02/sharing/)

I've followed Pray More Novenas for exactly a year now. I started with the novena to St. Anne, who is known to intercede for those who are looking for spouse. Norah, my friend's mother, introduced this website to a few of us who used to hang out at her place in Cordoba, Spain. The annual cycle has completed and this is the second round of novena to St. Anne for me. Many times, I wonder if the Mr. Right would ever appear, but I know that giving up is a cowardly act too. Even if he doesn't come, I'm fine being single. Yes, perhaps more often than not, having meals alone can be daunting, especially when I feel like having dinner at some posh-looking restaurants. I do have tendency to buy takeaways rather than having meals outside because it is odd to go alone. On the other hand, I do enjoy dining alone in the restaurants once in a while. It's something I picked up over the years, to be less self-conscious of some nosy waiters and staring eyes of fellow diners. It's not a crime to have meals alone.

These days, as I continue discovering myself, I do find that I am a picky girl indeed. Besides nobody took the challenge in approaching me, I did some selections subconsciously too. Haha. Which girl doesn't, right? This is a personal reflection which I wrote on my private blog: I am fully aware that the man God has for me would not need me to prove my worth. He would find me as I am, and he will know I'm the princess of God whom He has prepared for him and I, too, would find him adequately matching me in all things. This may sound like fairy tale to all who hear, but to me, it matters most. A God-centered relationship is a relationship which will last a lifetime. I trust that God will prepare him well, and myself too, to complement each other in all things.

A Tale as Old as Time, featuring Penelope Cruz

(Source: http://www.marieclaire.co.uk)

This will be the first time that I'm revealing the list of criteria which I had prayed before some years back. Nobody will fit 100%, but God knows who will have the capacity to achieve them...

I wouldn't mind if he's not a Catholic, but I do hope he can accept me being a Catholic whose spirituality is more towards charismatics. Physiques is a plus, but I'm not anywhere close to slim or hot. Furthermore, external looks do fade away as time passes by. And oh... I'm trying to live by the teachings of the Church, which means no pre-marital sex, no abortion, no divorce, etc. So, if it is you God is calling to take the challenge to complement me in life, take note of this, whoever you may be. Besides that, there's this issue which requires some physical and mental strength...

(Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-A-Wall-Around-My-Heart/1228180)

Well, yeah. This is me. The hopelessly romantic me who tends to write emo-stuffs at night :)

Nutella Brownies

It's one of the hidden secret of mine. Yes, despite being geeky and enjoying a great deal my love for technology gadgets, my research and my travels, I discover I do have a flare in cooking and baking and being house-wife-ish. I found this recipe on Facebook some time ago, and had been thinking of materialising it, and see if it really works. My ex-student told me she did it before and it worked fine. And so, I gave it a try.. I can't say if it's gonna be awesome, still cooling down but the smell and look seems alright. Perhaps a touch of fresh cream would add to the flavour? This is the third day after I've submitted my dissertation. I shall get started with the preparation of my presentation. Not exactly a viva voce but it is a conclusion of my 6-month research.

Just an update: Finally it has cooled down quite a bit, and I checked if it's cooked. Yeah, it is, but it's definitely un-fluffy. Perhaps next time I should use self-raising flour instead? That'll be ages to come. I gotta finish the bag of flour I have here before I move out mid of next month. I adorned my Nutella brownies with some fresh cream on the side. It's not very sweet, so it's alright to eat with the cream.

The Eve of Submission

Hahaha...

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel right now. I'm sure some of you would have been my tear and sweat-bearers, comforting me, supporting me when I went all crazy and stressed out with my writing up, which is, by the way, not done yet. I have around 12 hours to getting ready to meet my supervisor to go through it before I get it printed. My bad, I should have been more focused. Like what I shared with someone, I was disillusioned. Everything became blurry and I didn't know what I was doing. I'm glad to have encountered this person, and eventually, by the grace of God, found my way back. Though I spent many days in confusion, heart palpitation and disillusion (I know it doesn't make sense, but they rhymed, ok!), I think the ever-thriving-in-stressful-situations me is officially back for the next 12 to 15 hours.

Two years of moving around Europe for my Erasmus Mundus Masters Course, and it's all coming to an end when I click "Upload" and "Submit" tomorrow. What have I been doing?? At the back of my mind, one word popped up: TRAVELLING.

I shall leave the tale open-ended for another day.

Back to my Blood.Sweat.Tears and... (NOT) Coffee.

Ancient Pillow

I guess at one point of our lives, especially when we were young, there would be an existence of a pillow. The special one which no one can touch. The one you sniffed. Haha. I've not outgrown that though my mom threw the original one away while I was at school. I eventually adopted another, and another. This one is the one which accompanied me all through my adulthood so far. Sadly, its stomach burst open a week ago. Being allegedly busy with my dissertation, I slept every night with the knowledge that I might wake up covered with ancient cotton though I do have the pillow cover as protection. I just can't take it anymore I guess. Waking up at 4 plus and getting ready by 5 plus, all freshed and breakfasted, I wanted to set to work on dissertation. I saw my poor poor ancient one with its guts half-spilled in the pillow cover. I just had to fix it, despite my "nightmare before Christmas" sewing skills. At least its guts are back into the body and I have a peace of mind about sleeping with the pillow. I wouldn't want to have an ancient fur ball in my nose or mouth cavity!

However,  I'd have to tell my future partner this:
Dear whoever you may be,

Please dont expect me to be a traditional woman my mom (and your mom) is. I'd send all your torn-at-the-wrong-place shirts to the dustbin, your torn pants and shirts to the tailor or use a sewing machine. I can sew back a button & do cross stitch for fun, but not using my Form 3 Home Economics sewing skills to embarrass you (and me) in front of your colleagues and friends. I can cook you meals, if you wash the dishes and throw away the garbage. But don't expect restaurant-style, chef-level menu. That's probably what you might expect from a forensic geneticist cum future biological anthropologist can do for you. I might improve. We'll never know. And oh... I'd need a washing machine too.

Oh well... another 45mins the library would be opened. Today isn't a day to work at home. Ha ha ha!