Feast of Christ the King

Today marks the final Sunday before Advent, which means in less 40 days we'll be celebrating the coming of this King who came down to earth to gather all His sheep in the form of a little Babe. Am I prepared? Are YOU prepared? Personally, I have to admit that I am not prepared to receive Him for my stable is empty and dirty. What about yours? 

Spring cleaning ought to have started when I started with my new chapter of life. But I procrastinated as always. Though I said I started a new chapter in life, but I brought along with me a heavy baggage - emotional baggage - which I should have worked out before I left Malaysia. For the past three months in Europe, I struggled with 101 things, the first of all struggles is being Christian. Many-a-times I was and am tempted to not go for mass for the fear of being teased as religious. People questioned me, "Why are you so conscious about what others think about you?" and I'm dumbfounded. I do care and and I wish I care not of what others think.

Many had expressed that I am weird, strange, awkward etc. All these brought hurt to my inner child, who wants justice to be done and impartiality in the world. The yearnings I have for an impartial and just world sometimes hurt me. Oh, I am being too ideal! That makes me weird. Being overly friendly makes others uncomfortable being around me. Respecting people with knowledge and enjoying my time spent with them causing me to be labeled as strange. What is the best option for me then?

Today, the feast of the King, my Savior Jesus, and I still commit a sin against the temple of the Holy Spirit, in my thoughts, in my mind, in what I've done, in what I've failed to do... And how is it that I should await joyously for the coming of my King? Yet, I know that every single thing I do, every single mistake I've done, God knows and all I need to do is to repent and return to His embrace. And He will embrace me tightly, telling me I'm loved no matter how much I have grieved Him.

This year is the first year after my renewal in 2006 that I am not taking part in serving the mass nor caroling. The separation I felt from my community drives me to tears so often as Christmas draws nearer. I know this is not from God that I should feel this intense loneliness, and it is self-seeking that I should feel this way. This year's theme is The Light of the World, and knowing that His Word is a light unto my path, I shall walk with certainty in this bleak world. One day, I will know the reason beyond this separation, and rejoice that I have pulled through this dark time.

Till then, I will have to hold on to the hope that He is my Shepherd and there is nothing I shall want (c.f. Psalm 23:1).

Finally....

Nope, this is not my bed room, nor it's my bed or desk. Just a random picture from Google Image. But I did what a serious interior designer would murder me for - ruining the interior design of my huge master bedroom to suit my very important needs. After returning from Manchester after a great and awesome weekend with Ms. Teoh, Dr. Vun and their adorable daughter, Cassandra, and also my dear sister Anne Mary, I sorta lost all motivation to study. Been attending classes religiously and going to lab practicals, but not revising or doing my homework...

As I reflected on my past habit of studying, I have a tendency of being on my bed when I read... Yet there is a need to use the reading desk somewhat. I always had my desk next to my bed when I was in the university dormitory, then when I moved to Kingfisher. Haha. Penny for my thought. I got up after a late-afternoon nap, moved the pile of stuffs from the desk to my bed, and PUSH! the desk is now next to my bed. HAHAHA!

I was everywhere these two months, but just too lazy to upload photos. People are buzzing me for photos actually... Maybe just few here and on FB at the moment :) I'll share about my travels later on :P

Anne and me in Whitworth Park, Manchester

Ms. Teoh, Dr. Vun and Cassandra, plus me

Weekend Away

I know I should be resting but I am kinda excited about my trip to Manchester this evening. There are still errands to run in the morning prior to my train to Madrid at 1130 am. Gosh... I totally forgotten about changing money for my trip. And I just found out that not all banks in Cordoba have money-changing service, and there is not money changers like what we get back in Malaysia. I'm still trying to get used to the 101 challenges of living as a foreigner in Spanish land.

Well, this is a weekend I look forward to - meeting my FYP supervisor and her family, catching up with Anne Mary Khan, my friend from KK and checking out cold UK for the first time. I had always wanted to step onto the grounds of the empire which colonized Malaysia previously. Now I begin to appreciate Malaysia better as a Malaysian. At least, I get to travel in Europe/UK without any border issues due to our Malaysian passport which allows us to travel without visa here. Just my passport, and student card.

I didn't really plan my weekend... Hopefully I'd have some time to do so somehow. Haha. Let's see how it goes!

Lost and Found

I had been bobbing up and down on the surface of rough ocean for many years. Sometimes I found my way to shore, sometimes I pushed the boat back into the ocean unconsciously. This process is exhausting though I am very clear that nothing can deter a wanting will, except the will itself. These few days I have been pondering a lot about past, present and future, and where exactly all the decisions I have made so far are leading me when they are summed up together collectively. All the bad habits I have adopted, all the good things I have learned... in fact, every single second life passes through my life, all bring effects, long-lasting ones, to my life.

After so much time taken to ponder, one thing I am very clear -- in the midst of uncertainty and error-making, I need some sort of certainty. I am who God created me to be and I cannot be who others want me to be. Even when the voice of the world is far louder than the tiny little voice of God residing in me, I have firmly believe what I cannot see, for what I cannot see yet is much more precious than what lies in front of me.

I thank God I am given an opportunity to return to the research and academic field which I desired so much and gave up due to multiple reasons. Due to this God-given opportunity, no matter how tiring it is and will be, I want to at least try more and complain less. All these choices I made, even the wrong ones, led me to a right place. Even though I still am in a tiny little bobbing boat in the midst of a deep and rough ocean, I know the waves on the sea and the wind that blows will lead me to the place I will eventually call home for good. And till this day time, time is precious for I desire to be the me whom God has called me to be. If I am called as an academician, I want to give my 100% to Him by being a just and skillful academician. If I am called as a wife or mother one day, I want to give my 100% to Him by being a responsible and loving mother. Now, I am called to be a student, so my only duty is solely to fulfill His will in my life.

Yes, I found that living in the present is ignoring the voices and complaints that everyone has about everything around me, and continue being me even when others hate me or my guts. And to live life to the fullest.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me,

I was lost, but now I am found,

was blind but now I see.

- John Newton, 1779 -

Venting Post.

Today, I felt like a cat staring out of a window but I am inside of the door, unable to get out. I was hurt, like how a cat's tail being trampled by a random human. I never expected that someone would say there is no place when I was about to join them for lunch. It was mean mean and MEAN.

I was angry this morning when I woke up, shivering. It's cold because the heater was switched off in the middle of the night. So that is how life is as a Spanish. They switch off heaters in the middle of the night during winter to save cost. I have low tolerance of cold, because I lived in a warm country all my life. And that is not my fault! Haha. I looked like a fool when I said I was cold. And I know everyone thinks it's ridiculous that I should feel cold at this time. But I AM COLD at 10 degrees Celsius.

I am frustrated and depressed today experiencing inconsiderate and mean people. If you don't like reading this entry, just go away. Don't talk behind my back.

64 Days to Christmas

There are 64 days to Christmas and I am still struggling with everything in the world. I lose sight of my original vision and frankly speaking, sometimes I wonder if what I am doing right now is really what I am called to do. I came with a certainty that this is where God is calling me to be, but Europe is large enough to question myself, "Where exactly in Europe?" The place I want to be might not be the place I'm called to be. Only God knows. Sometimes I feel like the cross on my shoulders is heavy and there's a temptation to leave the cross and walk off into the world... But these few days the readings have been about mission in life, about perseverance. It was the feast day of St. Luke the Apostle some days ago, and I was reminded by the story that Luke stayed with Paul when everyone else fled. And it's almost a reminder for me to hang in there. More an encouragement than a reminder I'd say... I'm hopeful for the next two semesters, in Lisbon then in Lincoln. The thought of attending English Sunday masses keeps me going for now, though I'd like to gain enough knowledge in Spanish language to be able to understand a little bit of what the parish priest of Iglesia San Salvador y Santo Domingo is saying weekly during masses and before Adoremus. It's a pity because I know he's saying something really beautiful to God's people in church...

The biggest question these days is "Am I ready to receive Baby Jesus when He comes on Christmas?"

Well, are you ready?

Lord, we thank you for having died on the cross for us.Most fortunate is the person who walks by the way of Calvary, following Jesus our redeemer, for if we suffer with Christ now, we shall reign with Christ in the glory of the Father.Those who suffer tribulations, suffering, persecutions, and are despised for the love of God are helping Jesus Christ carry his cross. If they persevere, they will be partakers of his glory in heaven.Let us be glad when we are afflicted and the cross is most heavy on our shoulders, because then if we suffer with the patience of Christ we will begin to be his disciples.

- St. Paul of the Cross -

Bigger than My Birthday

Perhaps I have been rather self-centered these days, and more than ever, self-pitying. It's shameful to be in this kind of condition most of the time since I don't know when. And with the whole pressure building up due to my upcoming birthday, I lose sight of what is really important in my life. I wish I can focus better, remember the original intention of me attending school again to attempt Masters degree and to serve God better in difficult times. Yet, I end up being more self-focus, isolating myself more and more from people each day. My best defence against the world seems to be building a wall around myself to hide from others. The Lord knows I need to change this!!

It's always All Saints' Day the day after my birthday, and serving in church back in KK shaped my birthday to attending evening mass on the eve of All Saints Day. Now I'm here... What shall I do?