Weekend Away

I know I should be resting but I am kinda excited about my trip to Manchester this evening. There are still errands to run in the morning prior to my train to Madrid at 1130 am. Gosh... I totally forgotten about changing money for my trip. And I just found out that not all banks in Cordoba have money-changing service, and there is not money changers like what we get back in Malaysia. I'm still trying to get used to the 101 challenges of living as a foreigner in Spanish land.

Well, this is a weekend I look forward to - meeting my FYP supervisor and her family, catching up with Anne Mary Khan, my friend from KK and checking out cold UK for the first time. I had always wanted to step onto the grounds of the empire which colonized Malaysia previously. Now I begin to appreciate Malaysia better as a Malaysian. At least, I get to travel in Europe/UK without any border issues due to our Malaysian passport which allows us to travel without visa here. Just my passport, and student card.

I didn't really plan my weekend... Hopefully I'd have some time to do so somehow. Haha. Let's see how it goes!

Lost and Found

I had been bobbing up and down on the surface of rough ocean for many years. Sometimes I found my way to shore, sometimes I pushed the boat back into the ocean unconsciously. This process is exhausting though I am very clear that nothing can deter a wanting will, except the will itself. These few days I have been pondering a lot about past, present and future, and where exactly all the decisions I have made so far are leading me when they are summed up together collectively. All the bad habits I have adopted, all the good things I have learned... in fact, every single second life passes through my life, all bring effects, long-lasting ones, to my life.

After so much time taken to ponder, one thing I am very clear -- in the midst of uncertainty and error-making, I need some sort of certainty. I am who God created me to be and I cannot be who others want me to be. Even when the voice of the world is far louder than the tiny little voice of God residing in me, I have firmly believe what I cannot see, for what I cannot see yet is much more precious than what lies in front of me.

I thank God I am given an opportunity to return to the research and academic field which I desired so much and gave up due to multiple reasons. Due to this God-given opportunity, no matter how tiring it is and will be, I want to at least try more and complain less. All these choices I made, even the wrong ones, led me to a right place. Even though I still am in a tiny little bobbing boat in the midst of a deep and rough ocean, I know the waves on the sea and the wind that blows will lead me to the place I will eventually call home for good. And till this day time, time is precious for I desire to be the me whom God has called me to be. If I am called as an academician, I want to give my 100% to Him by being a just and skillful academician. If I am called as a wife or mother one day, I want to give my 100% to Him by being a responsible and loving mother. Now, I am called to be a student, so my only duty is solely to fulfill His will in my life.

Yes, I found that living in the present is ignoring the voices and complaints that everyone has about everything around me, and continue being me even when others hate me or my guts. And to live life to the fullest.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me,

I was lost, but now I am found,

was blind but now I see.

- John Newton, 1779 -

Venting Post.

Today, I felt like a cat staring out of a window but I am inside of the door, unable to get out. I was hurt, like how a cat's tail being trampled by a random human. I never expected that someone would say there is no place when I was about to join them for lunch. It was mean mean and MEAN.

I was angry this morning when I woke up, shivering. It's cold because the heater was switched off in the middle of the night. So that is how life is as a Spanish. They switch off heaters in the middle of the night during winter to save cost. I have low tolerance of cold, because I lived in a warm country all my life. And that is not my fault! Haha. I looked like a fool when I said I was cold. And I know everyone thinks it's ridiculous that I should feel cold at this time. But I AM COLD at 10 degrees Celsius.

I am frustrated and depressed today experiencing inconsiderate and mean people. If you don't like reading this entry, just go away. Don't talk behind my back.

64 Days to Christmas

There are 64 days to Christmas and I am still struggling with everything in the world. I lose sight of my original vision and frankly speaking, sometimes I wonder if what I am doing right now is really what I am called to do. I came with a certainty that this is where God is calling me to be, but Europe is large enough to question myself, "Where exactly in Europe?" The place I want to be might not be the place I'm called to be. Only God knows. Sometimes I feel like the cross on my shoulders is heavy and there's a temptation to leave the cross and walk off into the world... But these few days the readings have been about mission in life, about perseverance. It was the feast day of St. Luke the Apostle some days ago, and I was reminded by the story that Luke stayed with Paul when everyone else fled. And it's almost a reminder for me to hang in there. More an encouragement than a reminder I'd say... I'm hopeful for the next two semesters, in Lisbon then in Lincoln. The thought of attending English Sunday masses keeps me going for now, though I'd like to gain enough knowledge in Spanish language to be able to understand a little bit of what the parish priest of Iglesia San Salvador y Santo Domingo is saying weekly during masses and before Adoremus. It's a pity because I know he's saying something really beautiful to God's people in church...

The biggest question these days is "Am I ready to receive Baby Jesus when He comes on Christmas?"

Well, are you ready?

Lord, we thank you for having died on the cross for us.Most fortunate is the person who walks by the way of Calvary, following Jesus our redeemer, for if we suffer with Christ now, we shall reign with Christ in the glory of the Father.Those who suffer tribulations, suffering, persecutions, and are despised for the love of God are helping Jesus Christ carry his cross. If they persevere, they will be partakers of his glory in heaven.Let us be glad when we are afflicted and the cross is most heavy on our shoulders, because then if we suffer with the patience of Christ we will begin to be his disciples.

- St. Paul of the Cross -

Bigger than My Birthday

Perhaps I have been rather self-centered these days, and more than ever, self-pitying. It's shameful to be in this kind of condition most of the time since I don't know when. And with the whole pressure building up due to my upcoming birthday, I lose sight of what is really important in my life. I wish I can focus better, remember the original intention of me attending school again to attempt Masters degree and to serve God better in difficult times. Yet, I end up being more self-focus, isolating myself more and more from people each day. My best defence against the world seems to be building a wall around myself to hide from others. The Lord knows I need to change this!!

It's always All Saints' Day the day after my birthday, and serving in church back in KK shaped my birthday to attending evening mass on the eve of All Saints Day. Now I'm here... What shall I do?

MV Doulos, MV Logos Hope...

I was invited on FB to attend an Empowered Ministry session by the MV Logos Hope team. Wow. So fast it has been two years. The last time I went to a ship bookstore was when MV Doulos went to Kota Kinabalu. In fact, I was honoured to have gone to MV Doulos four times: once in 2007 with my best friend, thrice in 2009. One time I went with the students, second time I went with Irene and the final time was to visit Olga, one of missionaries I got to know. It was a wonderful experience of visiting the ship. I can't imagine the loss I would feel the next time MV Logos Hope visits KK. According to the upcoming ports timetable, she will dock in KK after her visit to Kuching. Haha.. I miss the times when I bought so many books in Doulos. How I missed those times...

Christmas is coming, and Sacred Heart Cathedral English Choir and Friends are preparing for Christmas cantata and mass. How I wish I am there with them... I know I am replaceable, but in my heart, the times I spent with the group will never be replaced no matter how far I go. As we prepare to advance into a new year when Advent, it's time for me to prepare my heart to await for the new born King. Like the three kings from the east who seek and found the King in the form of a little babe in the manger, I want to seek and find God in my life no matter how tough it is right now....

Birthday and Disasters

This month is a birthday month... It's also my birthday month. It's strange that some people could just request what they want on their birthdays and everyone would do it for them. I'm good at planning surprise birthday celebrations for my friends... but I suck at planning my own :P 

Frankly speaking, I always have problems dealing with my own birthday. For many years it has been a comfort that my birthday falls on the eve of All Saints' Day, so I had always attended mass on the evening of my birthday. It's been a somewhat profound experience of my 25th birthday to have a dream come true, but it turns out that it was just nothing but a dream. My 26th birthday was a surprise which turned out to be a horrible disaster subsequently which left me rather scarred. My 27th birthday was the first time I celebrated a birthday without my father, and 28th birthday... I came down from Kaingaran after the spiritual retreat and had dinner alone in Upperstar as I had no plans and everybody was occupied with something somewhat on that day. Thank God I texted a new friend when I was eating and he was willing to go out for some coffee and cheese cake right before the clock struck twelve. The birthday dinner was a day later with some friends... Maybe this year I'd plan my solo visit to the zoo in Cordoba after classes in the morning. Sometimes I wish people would remember my birthday instead of me reminding them always. Haha. My dad was the only person who never forgot my birthday all these years of being his daughter :) For this, I thank God to have given me such a wonderful father.

Sorry for such a depressive entry. It's just how it is like - life is.