Packing Weekend...

Let's see what I need to tick off my list:

1. Change address for streamyx - DONE

2. Pack and seal all my stuffs in the current room - NOT DONE

3. Wash all my clothes and pack them respectively - NOT DONE

4. School work - NOT DONE

5. Moving out from current room - NOT DONE

6. Change mailing address for my phone bill, credit card bill, insurances - NOT DONE

I guess I have more "not done" than "done", and here I am, lying flat because I couldn't move much. My muscles are aching like crazy now, every single inch of them - arms, thighs, fingers. And I got like more than 3 blue-blacks on my legs. It just happened...

Now I'm using the last bit of my streamyx. Apparently TM will cut it off at 12am, but at the moment, I still can use it... Thank God.

I would have been homeless if Irene didn't agree to let me stay with her for the coming two weeks... Then move to the tiny place right opposite my workplace until further notice. This uncertainty isn't something I expected, but yeah, it just comes.. So, COME WHAT MAY.

In fact, I can't imagine not having internet for two weeks... But I know I'm going to be alright. There are three book reviews to be done, which means reading 3 books I just received from Thomas Nelson publisher recently..

Zzz time... I wonder I would still have access to internet when I wake up?

God bless all.

Kiddo Behaving Like Adult

Early this morning, barely 15 minutes of being in this workplace, I have experienced a complete embarrassment against the statement I made a couple of weeks ago about "treating teens like an adult" and then humiliation about my very own brood of teens. I am a protective mother hen by nature, but it made me look like a complete, total fool in front of my brood when their discipline mistress walked in and asked them to surrender their mobiles right in front of me, the form teacher, even before I get to address the issue. I hate the feeling of betrayal from my brood. It's as though they never heard what I said for the past five months. All I could think is "YEAH-LAH, TREATING THEM LIKE ADULTS HUH??!!! RIDICULOUS!!!"

I'm told that if I treat teenagers like children, they will behave like one. And they will perhaps take the responsibility of a semi-adult if we start treating them like one, and giving them the responsibility they ought to start experiencing. I'm not angry that my fellow colleague walked in and started questioning my brood of teens, but I am totally out-witted by these people whom I cared so much and relied to survive starting 2011. I believed in their potentials, despite the fact many have given up hope. Now I start questioning myself... Am I doing it right to allow them to take responsibility of their own behavior by telling them what's right or wrong, and let them decide which way they want to head to? Am I wrong to believe in them? Now, I really have no idea how to treat them. Yes, I told them I don't care what they do anymore. My abilities are way below what they need.

I still believe that a child will behave like a kid if we treat them like one. And it is so dang obvious when everybody else is treating them like kids, hence they behave like KIDS.

Indeed, enough is enough. How much I have, I gave all away. Now, I have no more.

Mankind's Absurdity!

Why would anyone think that eating monkey brain can get you closer to God? Goodness. Even though God made men to be lord over the whole animal kingdom, but that doesn't mean we should practice cruelty towards the living things which have no defense against. Again, we're called to be lord over the animals so that we will protect them.

Sigh. Mankind and the amusement of cruel act. Totally off God's plan for mankind. The influence of satan. So, we should all say, "Get away from me, satan, in Jesus' name!"

Indescribable...

Once in a while, all students AND teachers express the same emotional statement as above. Yeah, you got it right... I too experienced the same emotion as you do... Why so? Because I'm as human as you are. Facing some issues with the place I associate with for 8 hours a day, it's easy to feel exhausted with the political situations which I still find it ridiculous!

I never understood how much I have hurt people unintentionally, and the more I could not understand why people like to dislike me so much. It does disturb me, knowing that there are people who would enjoy seeing me fall and walk into traps. And it disturbs me even more when these people enjoy stabbing me behind my back while pretending to be innocent in front of me. Again and again I fall for the same trick and trust the "wrong people" who eventually stab me till my blood runs dry. I never want to hate these people, for they too are so broken that life means something to them when they can stab another person from behind. But I do detest their attitude A LOT. It irks me most when it happens in non-profitable organization where no one will receive extra money by putting down another person.

A friend suggested that I could also create the worst gossip to destroy them once and for all. But I do realize that this doesn't work well. I'll be better off telling the truth and only the truth when it comes to this. As much as I'm upset and angry and disappointed with these gossip mongers, I'm better off focusing on those individuals whom I'm paid to focus at.

Here's the claim they made to the person sitting on the highest hierarchy at the moment:

"We're afraid to work with Cindy because of her mood swings."

And here's my response:

I'm MORE afraid to work with you whom claim I'm like that because I don't know how many knives you keep under your sleeves. I'm sure anyone would be upset when they ask for assistance but what they get is a series of "I don't know.", "I don't have.", and "You should know what to do, right?" So why blame me when I am upset and frustrated? And why accuse me when I tell you the truth about how I feel? Any problem with me being real?

Frankly speaking, I have refrained from posting any entry since forever because I was so afraid that tongues would wag when I write. Seriously, the world has conformed to the shape where people have to wear masks in order to survive. Any tinge of being real means death sentence, anywhere in the world. And yes, most of the time, it is unacceptable to express dislike when confronted, but gossips are acceptable because it's just hearsay and hence will not get people into real trouble.

But even St. Paul said "do not be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." in Romans 12:2. Renew the mind... Time to open to changes and willing to look outside the box and take charge according to responsibility... I do wonder how come we're more capable in gossiping than in being real and start taking responsibilities as prescribed in our job scopes?

Students aren't being students anymore... Instead of studying and getting involved in healthy activities, the most they could do are not studying, getting involved in vices, complain about teachers and parents.... Teachers aren't being teachers anymore... Instead of teaching the right values to the students, all they could do is to blind their eyes towards all the ill behaviors of the students, and pointing fingers at another person saying it's his/her responsibility to report and correct such behaviors. Then complain about it to every other person they know, or selling gossips like hotcakes. Humans aren't humans anymore... Instead of building real relationships with another, they check on one another's facebook profiles for updates and comment on their photos, then whine on Twitter and Facebook that they are lonely.

When will we evolve to be more responsible? If we have, then I wouldn't need to run around like my tail caught fire these two days. So yes, I am frustrated, but no, I won't dwell on it once I posted this entry.

Don't gossip about me anymore. Enough is enough. I won't be there for long. Good riddance for me on these petty people who give nasty statements about me.

I know I'm not holy, that's why I go to church, I read the Word of God. I fall but I'm just human so I need God. So stop using this accusation against me: "Call yourself a Christian when you behave like this."

If you don't get it, then I pray one day you shall grow out of being Pontius Pilate and start being Peter. I mean, the truth is right there. We can choose either to see it, or remain blinded by the lies and see not the truth.

Good night.

Roger Wang and Friends Concert 2011

Guess what?!

Roger Wang and friends (local Sabahan artistes) are performing for a fundraising concert in aid of Maktab Nasional Learning Center. I'm so honoured to be a part of the main organising committee, and more honoured to be at a "priceless" place where I see them right in front of me!! Of course, there's the duty part, but I thoroughly enjoyed being there and meeting friends whom I've not seen for a while.

Words can't describe how much all these meant for me... Show you some photos which I took during the concert. Sorry about the clarity of the photos, no flash allowed during the performance!

Apologies to those whom I had to stop them from bringing their food in, or from coming into the hall during the performances. Some were unhappy with the fact that I stopped them by repetitively saying "This is too much, this is too much", but nobody asked them to be late too...

Here's the crowd in Sabah Trade Center's MINI THEATER... By the end of the night, it was like 90% full, and tickets were practically sold out (3 more tickets left).

We started off with Roger's band performance, and then Annabel Tiu, the cellist, joined him on the stage to give an awesome performance!

Next in line was Eloise Lau who sang two songs. I like the passionate "BURN" she composed in the bathroom. Lovely performance from a young star~

Here's a picture of Daniel Mojina and part of the band. Nice music, guys!

Not forgetting Hezekiah Ansim who partnered with Roger Wang to play traditional musical instruments... Lovely, touching worship music!

JADE Sisters performed their single: JANJI (Promise), a Malay song. I can't describe the emotion, but it's as sweet as chocolate!

Ahh... My kawan, Jonathan Tse, performing "Somebody's Watching" and "I'm Alive". Both songs are from his latest album "I'm Alive".

Last but not least, we have Angeline Perete performing. Very upbeat dance music, strong vocal! Is it samba music? Maybe... Together in this performance was Teddy Chin Jr. on saxaphone.

This is the finale, where MN students joined the artistes to sing two songs. I managed to snap a photo and had to leave to "membuka kedai" outside.

I actually missed out a snapshot of the lovely tap dance performance by Christopher Liew... I shall take one in the next show. Very soulful, I'd say.

There are only two shows, one was just now. Another will be in about 13 hours' time, at 2pm of 7th May 2011 in Mini Theater, Sabah Trade Center. Definitely a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me. And I hope it will be for you, if you are coming tomorrow to check us out! Tickets are selling at RM50 and RM80.

Hereby I wish to extend my gratitude to Roger and his friends who put in so much of effort to make this concert possible! May God bless your future undertakings.

Some Recent Updates...

Such a wonderful gift given to me on the most solemn day of all - Good Friday. I had a dream last night, that the results for Erasmus Mundus scholarship is out, and when I checked my mail.. Ta-da! The results IS out. It's just that I didn't get into the main list...

Ok, the story is this: I applied for Erasmus Mundus scholarship end of last year, and today the results is finally out. Although I'm not in the main list for category A scholarship (9 are awarded for this category this round), I'm quite happy to know I'm ranked third in the reserved list. I can't help feeling disappointed that this door to studying in Europe is not opened, but I know God has a better plan for me. Whatever that may be, I shall await with hope. If the door will be opened, someone will reject and I will be asked to fill in the position, right?

Blessed Good FRIDAY!

Lenten Reflection: Wrestling with God

Currently I'm at Beringgis Resort's main lobby after morning walk at the beach... And I read out loud the readings by the seaside. What a calm, cool and clear morning, listening to peaceful whispers of the ocean!

Here's the reflection I have done of today's 1st reading taken from the book of Jonah, chapter 3, verses 1 to 10....

Everyone has a time when they wrestle with the Lord so that they can do what they think is the best for them. The thing is God doesn't need to wrestle with us, but He will allow us to do what we like, because of the free will He gave us. Yet, there will always be a time when we will realize that what we have chosen is the path we desire. This is not necessarily a path that leads to a full and complete life. And, second chance is always given to us free by God. Again, it's up to whether we want to be obedient this time or still remain stubborn and self-sufficient.

I had my time wrestling with God when it comes to my future planning. I wanted so badly to stay where I am now that I gave up the offer that GIST's professor presented to me in the middle of my internship. If I had taken the route, I'd have gotten my Ph.D by now. Yet, the Lord is once again presenting me with this chance of furthering my studies. Like Jonah who was obedient to the Lord (c.f. Jon 3:2-3), this time I am certain I must go - be it GIST or other places. Not only that I have to give up all that I think I possess here for now, like the king who took off his robe, put on sackcloth and sat down in ashes (c.f. Jon 3:6).

How I wish there is an easy way out of this! How I wish I can retain all these! Yet, I know things will change. The only thing that remains constant is change.

At the same time, I'm wrestling with God about a person... This person knows God too, and me, he knows well. And he refuses to see me, to keep in touch for whatever reason. And when he's like that, I know there is no possibility to see him, except by divine intervention. Yet, I badly want to follow God's timing... When it's time according to His watch, I'm certain God will let us see each other again...