The Time of the Year Again...

A day to the last day of July, and my heart is crushed to ashes. Will it ever be healed? Will I ever have the courage to be close to people again? I tried to trust, and I trusted fully. Yet, the friendship was heading to doom right from the start. I thought maybe if we give it a try by compromising and tolerating each other, perhaps this friendship can be saved. After all, we had nothing to lose by trying.

To YOU: 

After countless visits, two musicals, two oversea trips with friends, a movie, endless chats, I still have to prepare my heart to let you go, because I have defined you as my close friend and now you want to walk away because you don't want to be fit into my definition of close friends. I read it as "if I am me, then I am not good enough to be close to you". Yet I know, this will take me a long time, because our memories aren't written in carbon, so I can't just erase it. Nor were they saved in some *.docx files, which I can press "delete" and they will be gone forever. Everyone else was worried that I'll burn myself, but I trusted you that you wouldn't be like every other friend I had who would leave me because I am me.

From ME.

Right now, I'm indeed in the darkest time of my life. A person whom I thought know me well enough told me that he'd walk away from me just because of my definition of close friend and he doesn't want to be defined as my close friend. A bleak future because I have no job opportunity anywhere and scholarship for Ph.D. in Cambridge doesn't seem to have any news. My masters is completed, and I have another two weeks before I have to evacuate from this room, with no plans ahead. My mother had been asking me for the past two years if I have a boyfriend, and NO, I don't have and nobody is pursuing me, so going home will be a pain. Everyone else is married and attached and seems to know what they want in life, while I am just lagging behind, knowing I want to get another degree because I have no commitment, no one who is looking forward to have me closer, no one wants to be with me.

Perhaps, it is time for me to admit... Yes, I am single, and perhaps, desperate. I just want someone who would care if I had eaten, or where I have been, or what do I want to do, or how do I feel this morning, or just any little detail which doesn't seem to matter to anybody really. Someone who would care to listen when I'm being defiant and destructive like Stitch. Someone who would hold on to me when I can't hold myself together because I am sucked into the whirl of depression or confusion. Someone who would appreciate me for being me, and would do anything he could to stop me from evolving into someone I'm not just to please others or himself. Someone who would tell me it's okay to be sad because we have to be apart from each other and would comfort me even from afar. Someone who allows me to share my deepest desires and darkest thoughts, and lets me talk about God and spiritual stuffs without telling me it is too deep for him to handle. Someone who would compliment me even when I am at my worst self, and complement me by being the sunshine and rainbow when I'm not. I promise I will try to be the same for this someone too.

I bawled my heart out to God just now because of the text message which crushed me. If not because of Jesus, I guess I'd have died a thousand times. I know eventually I will be alright, even though I can't see how I can carry on living right now. No plans, no future, nothing. Even if I made mistakes, I know God doesn't. There is a reason for every season.

I guess many people pretend they are okay when they are not. The society forms the pressure of needing to be at our best and people are only accepted when they are "normal" according to the world. I am not okay, so it's best for me to get away from the world and into my own tiny comfort zone. Can I just run away to a place where I can be me? I ran away thousands of miles from home so that I can find me. I found me, but I am still rejected for being me. Is being me such a horrible crime?

Some Pensive Reflections About Myself...

As the night ages on, the emotions tend to be stronger. That's why, when it comes to sharing inner thoughts, heart talks, feelings, night time is the best. At least it is for me. I'm a WOMAN, so I CAN sit and talk all day. This has a lot to do with my major love language, which is SPENDING TIME..

(Source: http://1catholicsalmon.com/2012/03/02/sharing/)

I've followed Pray More Novenas for exactly a year now. I started with the novena to St. Anne, who is known to intercede for those who are looking for spouse. Norah, my friend's mother, introduced this website to a few of us who used to hang out at her place in Cordoba, Spain. The annual cycle has completed and this is the second round of novena to St. Anne for me. Many times, I wonder if the Mr. Right would ever appear, but I know that giving up is a cowardly act too. Even if he doesn't come, I'm fine being single. Yes, perhaps more often than not, having meals alone can be daunting, especially when I feel like having dinner at some posh-looking restaurants. I do have tendency to buy takeaways rather than having meals outside because it is odd to go alone. On the other hand, I do enjoy dining alone in the restaurants once in a while. It's something I picked up over the years, to be less self-conscious of some nosy waiters and staring eyes of fellow diners. It's not a crime to have meals alone.

These days, as I continue discovering myself, I do find that I am a picky girl indeed. Besides nobody took the challenge in approaching me, I did some selections subconsciously too. Haha. Which girl doesn't, right? This is a personal reflection which I wrote on my private blog: I am fully aware that the man God has for me would not need me to prove my worth. He would find me as I am, and he will know I'm the princess of God whom He has prepared for him and I, too, would find him adequately matching me in all things. This may sound like fairy tale to all who hear, but to me, it matters most. A God-centered relationship is a relationship which will last a lifetime. I trust that God will prepare him well, and myself too, to complement each other in all things.

A Tale as Old as Time, featuring Penelope Cruz

(Source: http://www.marieclaire.co.uk)

This will be the first time that I'm revealing the list of criteria which I had prayed before some years back. Nobody will fit 100%, but God knows who will have the capacity to achieve them...

I wouldn't mind if he's not a Catholic, but I do hope he can accept me being a Catholic whose spirituality is more towards charismatics. Physiques is a plus, but I'm not anywhere close to slim or hot. Furthermore, external looks do fade away as time passes by. And oh... I'm trying to live by the teachings of the Church, which means no pre-marital sex, no abortion, no divorce, etc. So, if it is you God is calling to take the challenge to complement me in life, take note of this, whoever you may be. Besides that, there's this issue which requires some physical and mental strength...

(Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-A-Wall-Around-My-Heart/1228180)

Well, yeah. This is me. The hopelessly romantic me who tends to write emo-stuffs at night :)

Nutella Brownies

It's one of the hidden secret of mine. Yes, despite being geeky and enjoying a great deal my love for technology gadgets, my research and my travels, I discover I do have a flare in cooking and baking and being house-wife-ish. I found this recipe on Facebook some time ago, and had been thinking of materialising it, and see if it really works. My ex-student told me she did it before and it worked fine. And so, I gave it a try.. I can't say if it's gonna be awesome, still cooling down but the smell and look seems alright. Perhaps a touch of fresh cream would add to the flavour? This is the third day after I've submitted my dissertation. I shall get started with the preparation of my presentation. Not exactly a viva voce but it is a conclusion of my 6-month research.

Just an update: Finally it has cooled down quite a bit, and I checked if it's cooked. Yeah, it is, but it's definitely un-fluffy. Perhaps next time I should use self-raising flour instead? That'll be ages to come. I gotta finish the bag of flour I have here before I move out mid of next month. I adorned my Nutella brownies with some fresh cream on the side. It's not very sweet, so it's alright to eat with the cream.

The Eve of Submission

Hahaha...

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel right now. I'm sure some of you would have been my tear and sweat-bearers, comforting me, supporting me when I went all crazy and stressed out with my writing up, which is, by the way, not done yet. I have around 12 hours to getting ready to meet my supervisor to go through it before I get it printed. My bad, I should have been more focused. Like what I shared with someone, I was disillusioned. Everything became blurry and I didn't know what I was doing. I'm glad to have encountered this person, and eventually, by the grace of God, found my way back. Though I spent many days in confusion, heart palpitation and disillusion (I know it doesn't make sense, but they rhymed, ok!), I think the ever-thriving-in-stressful-situations me is officially back for the next 12 to 15 hours.

Two years of moving around Europe for my Erasmus Mundus Masters Course, and it's all coming to an end when I click "Upload" and "Submit" tomorrow. What have I been doing?? At the back of my mind, one word popped up: TRAVELLING.

I shall leave the tale open-ended for another day.

Back to my Blood.Sweat.Tears and... (NOT) Coffee.

Ancient Pillow

I guess at one point of our lives, especially when we were young, there would be an existence of a pillow. The special one which no one can touch. The one you sniffed. Haha. I've not outgrown that though my mom threw the original one away while I was at school. I eventually adopted another, and another. This one is the one which accompanied me all through my adulthood so far. Sadly, its stomach burst open a week ago. Being allegedly busy with my dissertation, I slept every night with the knowledge that I might wake up covered with ancient cotton though I do have the pillow cover as protection. I just can't take it anymore I guess. Waking up at 4 plus and getting ready by 5 plus, all freshed and breakfasted, I wanted to set to work on dissertation. I saw my poor poor ancient one with its guts half-spilled in the pillow cover. I just had to fix it, despite my "nightmare before Christmas" sewing skills. At least its guts are back into the body and I have a peace of mind about sleeping with the pillow. I wouldn't want to have an ancient fur ball in my nose or mouth cavity!

However,  I'd have to tell my future partner this:
Dear whoever you may be,

Please dont expect me to be a traditional woman my mom (and your mom) is. I'd send all your torn-at-the-wrong-place shirts to the dustbin, your torn pants and shirts to the tailor or use a sewing machine. I can sew back a button & do cross stitch for fun, but not using my Form 3 Home Economics sewing skills to embarrass you (and me) in front of your colleagues and friends. I can cook you meals, if you wash the dishes and throw away the garbage. But don't expect restaurant-style, chef-level menu. That's probably what you might expect from a forensic geneticist cum future biological anthropologist can do for you. I might improve. We'll never know. And oh... I'd need a washing machine too.

Oh well... another 45mins the library would be opened. Today isn't a day to work at home. Ha ha ha!

Life is... Love is.... Wonders of My Mind.

The titles were the three old blogspot blogs which I've closed down. I'm supposed to either sleep or write my dissertation, I know, but I'm doing neither right now. Back to the blogs.. I sort of read through what I wrote, especially about the past pseudo relationship I had with this one guy some years ago back in 2005/06. I thank God that we didn't work out though I was very hurt back then. What I wrote was absolutely idiotic! What in the world was I thinking????!!! Thank God nothing really happened between us. I guess everyone went through the period when we go gaga over some unworthy individuals who treated us like thrash. Ok, maybe not everyone. Some end up marrying them and be unhappy spouse. Some chose to divorce them. Some stayed because they have no where to go. As for me, I thank God I'm where I am right now. It'd have been crazy if God didn't intervene. I met Jesus right before I told myself I had enough and slowly though painfully, we drifted away from each other. I'll wait for the him to appear. By then, probably I'll know and I guess he'll know too if we are meant to build a life together. For now, my own journey continues. Yeah, live the life of a dreamy wanderer, running after the God who aligns my desires to His mission for me :)

My Idea of Romantic

This post is inspired by someone whom I chatted with this morning... I have no idea how the issue of being a romantic came into our conversation. But, here's what I have to say...

My idea of what romantic is all about... Being mooneyed for someone not based on their looks but based on who they truly are. These days, many of my friends are getting hitched and starting new relationships. Being the one single lady wandering around searching for what God has in mind for her ain't that special anymore. Friends are highly compassionate, always telling me that the one would eventually appear. Being here in European grounds, they are encouraging me to find an "ang moh" instead, then I can have cute babies. However, despite what they said in effort to comfort me, I do think that unless this someone could appreciate me despite my "beast" appearance and still love me, there's no way one would draw near. Sometimes I wonder, do I have what it takes to build a relationship? Of course, when I wonder out loud, my friends will answer YES. Such kind friends I have!!

If you are one of my compassionate friends, then pray for me that the one God has in mind for me, He'll prepare him well to be a man after His own heart. A man who loves God will love who God places in his life. This is what I believe in. And pray for myself too, that I can be a woman after His own heart, and be trained to be the helper to the man in all areas of his life, while being who I am called to be.