Overwhelmed Yet Precious

Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock!

My last entry was last year, before Christmas. And today is officially April Fool's Day. It's been ages, indeed. Many people posted wondrous entries on Facebook in conjunction with this day. I had a peek at Wikipedia and I liked this part...

In Chaucer's Canterbury Tales (1932), the "Nun's Priest's Tale" is set Syn March bigan thritty dayes and two. Modern scholars believe that there is a copying error in the extant manuscripts and that Chaucer actually wrote, Syn March was gon. Thus, the passage originally meant 32 days after April, i.e. 2 May, the anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia, which took place in 1381. Readers apparently misunderstood this line to mean "March 32", i.e. April 1. In Chaucer's tale, the vain cock Chauntecleer is tricked by a fox. (source: Wikipedia's "April Fools' Day")

Many people are joking about their relationship status. One posted that he's officially dating someone, another posted he's getting married. I wonder if it would be a true event (worth celebrating), or a big joke pulling everyone's leg. One of my ex-student who decided to drop out of the university last year joked about being accepted to MBA program. As much as I knew he was joking, still at a point I thought it was real. Indeed, April Fool's Day and its jokes!

A little updates on my life since I returned to the UK...

Officially, I graduated with Erasmus Mundus Masters in Forensic Science and won the school prize for Best Overall Performance for the program in University of Lincoln. Graduation ceremony was held in Lincoln Cathedral on 22 January 2014

A photo with the coordinators and lecturers: (L-R: Dr. Jose, Dr. Ruth, myself, Dr. Mark and Dr. MariPaz)

The two darlings, Joyce and Eden, who hosted me during the times I was "homeless" in Lincoln and during my graduation trip back to Lincoln. The backdrop is the Lincoln Cathedral, where the ceremony was held.

Not forgetting Nick Wong, who traveled all the way from Southampton to Lincoln just to attend my graduation ceremony. It was an honour to have met him through another dear friend of mine last year. When we met up, there would always be an Amazing Race. Thanks for being there, Nick!

The next chapter in life for me started upon my return to Cambridge from the graduation ceremony. It was a period of discovery and settling down. Met new friends, started and ended a short-lived phase of life, more settling down, and finally, a jumpstart into my PhD project.

The Scripture meditation group at St. Edmund's College nearby to my college. A good assortment of graduate students coming together to meditate on the Word of God together weekly. Their friendships with me would be one of the precious ones I'd cherish my entire life. Hopefully more good times will come, spent with these people in the coming years.

Another precious group would be the Cambridge University Malaysian Society graduate students (also known as CUMaS Plus). We had our formal dinner at Fitzwilliam College last month to bid farewell to the graduates who are returning home for their fieldwork, as well as to celebrate the end of Lent term. More good times to come I pray...

Finally I experienced punting at Cambridge. This is the Bridge of Sighs of St. John's College. Legend has it that this bridge was connecting the college accommodation to the exam hall, hence students who walk over the bridge for exam will let out sighs on the bridge. Interesting time spent.

A good sunny day last Saturday, so I went out with the bunch of CUMaS Plus to Grantchester for some clotted cream scone and tea in The Orchard.

So far, so good. Social life at Cambridge can be colourful and amazing, but sometimes a distraction to what I'm here for - my PhD project... I wouldn't say I'm performing at my optimal condition for now. Let's just continue praying and walking towards the ultimate goal that I can complete the PhD by Dec 2016. Many would say it's a wishful thinking, but I'm more hopeful that if God is with  me, who can be against me? I am trusting in the God of impossibles, and as long as I work towards the goal, I will eventually arrive at the checkpoint.

http://stayfitbeactive.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/20140224-160406.jpg

Aleph

Very rarely I could complete a Paulo Coelho's book (no offense, Mr. Coelho. It's just me), this book, Aleph, too. From Lincoln, the book tagged along to Manchester, flew to Dublin, did a round trip of Dublin-Connemara-Galway-Killarney-Cork-Kilkenny-Rosslare Harbour, sailed back with me to Pembroke Dock, headed south via train to Southampton, to Basingstoke, got onto the flight back to Malaysia. I read only one-eighth of the book and decided to give it a break. The "not my cup of tea" motion indeed.

God usually prompts me in His own mysterious methods. After a good cuppa macchiato, knowing I wouldn't be sleeping till the break of dawn, I went through my night owling routines: watched a YouTube video of a Korean entertainment show, wrote an entry on my private blog and cried buckets due to the grieving process of certain issue, and felt the need to read a book. I dived into the box of my novels and dug out a book I read some years ago.

Apparently that's not the book I ended up reading. Out of no where I recalled I brought this book back and it's still in the paper bag in the big luggage bag, so off I went to pick up the book and started from where I left. Surprisingly, tonight the genre suited me and I chewed on the gist of the book rather easily.

This part of the book is what God has in mind for me, perhaps to aid in my grieving and healing processes. A prayer...

'I forgive the tears I was made to shed,
I forgive the pain and the disappointments,
I forgive the betrayal and the lies,
I forgive the slanders and intrigues,
I forgive the hatred and the persecution,
I forgive the blows that hurt me,
I forgive the wrecked dreams,
I forgive the still-born hopes,
I forgive the hostility and jealousy,
I forgive the indifference and ill will,
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
I forgive the anger and the cruelty,
I forgive the neglect and the contempt,
I forgive the world and all its evils,
I also forgive myself.

May the misfortunes of the past no longer weigh on my heart.
Instead of pain and resentment, I choose understanding and compassion.
Instead of rebellion, I choose music from my violin.

Instead of grief, I choose forgetting.
Instead of vengeance, I choose victory.
I will be capable of loving regardless of whether I am loved in return,
Of giving even when I have nothing,
Of working happily even in the midst of difficulties,
Of holding out my hand even when utterly alone and abandoned,
Of drying my tears even while I weep,
Of believing even when no one believes in me.

So it is. So it will be.'

(Quoted from Aleph, Paulo Coelho, pgs. 169-170)

Christmas Is Near!!!

It's been eon years since I posted anything on the blog. My apologies for those who had been checking it. Please don't give up on me! I'm just going through some quieter times of my life online. Probably offline there were dramas. As usual. My life without dramas won't be Cindy's life, frankly speaking.

I'm currently back in my hometown, leisurely hanging around doing nothing. I've been back from UK for almost 7 weeks now... So another 6 weeks and I shall be back to embark into a new chapter in Cambridge. Exciting and worrying at times. I guess all is set, now it's time to start wondering what to do with myself :)

First step, physical clearance. I sent back boxes of stuffs from my room in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, some two years ago before I left to Europe to start my masters. Now I'm done with my masters, and shall start my PhD soon, the boxes of stuffs (and junks) are still sealed. Obviously, the junks too.. Let's see what magic I can whip out through this weekend.

Currently I'm writing from a nice independent cafe with a cheesy name, Cheese U, in Kluang, Johor. A sneak peak of Si Putih and my cuppa macchiato in the cafe.

Blessed first week of Advent! May the Hope of God be with you always!

Birthday Post!

Thank God for a whole year of blessings since last birthday to this. I know He has guided me and brought me to places I never thought I would be, and the friends whom I met and became close to are His gifts for me to replace family which I have always yearned and desired. There were ups and downs from 2012 to now, but somehow He gave me strength to overcome them. A lot of patience was needed to remain sane this year, with the long wait for something to happen so that I could achieve a Cambridge dream and more time to spend in Europe. Indeed, waiting is tough, but the sweetness of the outcome was enough to cover the bitter wait previously. Although now there is more waiting due to the delay of my CAS for the visa application and all, still I know, all is ready for me to start my Ph.D studies in Cambridge in January 2014. A blessing indeed, one of those HUGE ones Daddy God has given me.

Though physically I am all alone this year, with no anticipation of anyone to spend this birthday with, I am glad to be alive and living. This much wanted rest after slogging for the past two years (with tonnes of fun of travelling too) is very appreciated. Nobody knows the future, but all I know, with God all things are possible.

All honour and praise and glory be to Christ, my Saviour and Redeemer.

Happy and blessed 31st birthday to me!

Back in Malaysia

It's been a long while since I've updated my blog. For a change, I'm writing from Malaysia! I've been back for almost two weeks, and getting rather used to the heat. Thank God it has been raining for the past few days, so the temperature is like summer days in UK. Just nice!

Let's do some recounting today. I have officially completed my masters, and thank God, I shall be graduating with a masters with distinction! Yay! I've also completed my 16-day trip to Republic of Ireland (wanting more!!!) with tonnes of blessings. And lastly, I've been blessed with a scholarship to continue my studies to PhD level in University of Cambridge, so yes, I am returning to the land of Fish 'n' Chips in January next year.

Right now I'm dealing with a lot of issues of insecurity and trust right now, so please pray for me.

Here are two photos from my Irish trip:

A "window cover" on Camden Street, Dublin, Ireland

Baby gull in Roundstone, Connemara, Ireland

I've taken so many photos during the trip, but I have limited internet usage, so I can't upload all the photos right now...

Finally, The End

The whole year in UK has been great. I've made some good friends, both here in Lincoln and everywhere else. Every step I took, be it a positive or a negative one, I'm glad there are few individuals, whose names I shall retain from public eyes, who walked with me and still are walking with me. Travels were more interesting with your presence, food tasted better with you by my side, soap opera tales from dramatic me became some comedies with your laughters at my expenses, breakfasts after Sunday masses were fun time of catching up with you, the adventure of getting lost in some foreign city when it was dark, cold and raining was bearable and memorable. It took me a while to sort out my thoughts and right now, besides trying to pack up for the major move to my temporary abode out of kindness and hospitality of fellow Malaysians, I'm trying to sort of my heart and mind.

My Ethiopian coursemate, Sammy, and I had a short sharing over Thai lunch before he left. We both spoke about a real break after the two years of hardwork completing this Masters program. Indeed, sweat and tears, adding blood to the equation for the severity of it. He wishes for at least 4 months of real break, away from anything and everything. Me, the travel bunny (as per the youngling of cohort 2 today), had been sneaking off to various countries in these two years whenever money and desires crossed path. A 16-day journey to Ireland is my latest plan. Yeah, I could have done a 16-day eastern Europe trip, if the flights were cheaper. But I did feel called to go there for mini retreats and spend some time seeking God the Artist of Life through nature.

I'm in my final three nights in this lovely studio flat of mine beside returning the keys and bid goodbye to a warm, cosy dog nest of mine. During cold winter nights, my room was fuming hot. My fear of cold house subsided and conquered because of the never ending warmth. I know it'll be hard to say goodbye, just like how it was when I bade goodbye to the house I stayed for six years in Kota Kinabalu. Everything is everywhere right now. Procrastinating packing is the phrase. I don't want to leave!!!! T.T

Tidying up my project already, tying some loose ends. Meeting the junior from Cohort 2 was a realisation that I've completed the degree. Thank God for His wondrous and amazing love and blessings. Without Him, I wouldn't have made it this far.

Praise Him! ALLELUIA!

After 24 Hours of Darkness, I'm Out of It!

After a day dwelling in negative side of things, I've decided to walk out of darkness by embracing the uncharted future with slightly more courage than yesterday. Ain't easy, the negativity still looms around like shadow (which won't go away because shadows and sunlight do go hand in hand with each other). Two sides of the same coin, in fact, my miseries and how the Lord can work in me. I was walking towards darkness last night. The Lord saw me, and my guardian angel probably stood by my side keeping me from being sucked into total darkness. I'm thankful it was the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola on 31st July and I made it a point to attend mass on feast days of my patron saints.

Yesterday, I dwelt on how a person would choose to walk away eventually from me just because I am me, and how I define close friend. After much thoughts, reflections and considerations, perhaps it was just a mechanism that shows how fearful we both are when it comes to taking a step forward to be closer friends. Fear sometimes can cause us to freeze at where we are, because we don't know how to handle it. I froze to my seat in fear upon returning from Poland and broke down because I didn't know how I could handle my unwritten dissertation. Thank God for those who were patient with me during the difficult period of time.

Back to the story of my patron saints... The one whose name I bear is St. Therese of Lisieux. My baptismal name is Cindy Theresa (Theresa is a variant of Therese). Her feast day is 1 October. With her I made the journey to learn how to love once again. Then, there's St. Jude Thaddeus, whose feast day is on 28 October. He's the one I seek for intercessions all the time for impossible cases and prayers had been answered through his intercessions indeed. I've come to appreciate the Ignatian spirituality founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola. By pure coincidence (though I believe that nothing is truly a coincidence to God), I stumbled into the monastery, La Cova de Manresa, Barcelona, where St. Ignatius of Loyola spent eleven months to write the book of the Spiritual Exercises. Honestly, I've not experienced the full Spiritual Exercises before as I'm unsure if I could handle it by myself. The Lord blessed me with the presence of Fr. Tri Dinh while I was on a supposed personal retreat in the Cave when I was told there won't be any English-speaking priest available to guide me. That was two years ago. Yet, it is fresh in my memory the strange peace which overcame me when I was in the tiny little cave while Fr. Tri Dinh told me that St. Ignatius was there some 500 years ago. I realise that subconsciously I become more aware of myself as I reflect deeper of my being. That's why St. Ignatius is also my patron saint.

A verse from Ezekiel which comforted me some years back on my decisions then jumped back at me last night, reminding me where I am is where I should be, and what I should be seeking too. So I'm jumping at these coming months of homeless wanderings and uncharted waters with a new-found courage, to find the new heart and new spirit which God promises me.

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

(Ezekiel 36:26, NRSV)

My heart has been calling me to visit Republic of Ireland for a while now. I'm still unsure what it is all about, but I'm very certain and at peace with the idea of a two-week journey to Ireland. I took some time off from things, and focused on laying out a plan. The one-way flight from Manchester to Dublin was booked, and the hostel stays were reserved in several locations. The planner me wanted to be sure I have a roof over my head wherever I go, so I got the hostels planned first. The transportation and other details I will work out later on. So far, my heart is thrilled about going into the mountains of Connemara of west Ireland. I wish I could stay longer, but the accommodation was unavailable. Solely the two nights there, so I shall make the best out of what I have. Honestly, I'm actually spending more time in the wild wild west of Ireland rather than the east. This is a journey I have chosen to go. Let's see what God has in mind for me as I walk with Him through this.

After 24 hours of dark night of my soul, the usual me is back. More courage, not my own, but the Lord's. All glory and thanks be to my God!