Married Couples Should Grow Old Together

I'm ever so touched by UP!! Someone shared this video on Facebook, and I think it is good that this can go onto my blog too...


This is the kind of married life one would desire to have, or at least, for me - the one where both grow old together, hang onto each other even in the darkest times, form dreams together, yet achieve personal growth in his and her own spaces, support each other no matter what, being each other's best friend. Till death do us part.

Yeah, I want someone whom I can grow old with, not some random Mr. A, B or C who would come, break my heart, and leave. Haha. My dream is to marry someone who can be my best friend... Haha!

Frozen in Time

Currently, I should be writing my dissertation, not blogging. Yet, I felt the need to share something which is close to me heart right now, this time, in a open space, rather than my usual fix of private blog. In fact, these are areas which I greatly need any form of prayers...

Soon, this will be what's happening. My tenancy ends on 14th August, so I will be leaving Lincoln into the unknown. This has been bugging me for a while, but only today I've decided to seek for some advice from a friend. I was touched that Nelda would love to help me but they are currently refurbishing their home so there would not be storage space to help me. Their previous acts of kindness towards me and their thoughts of helping me are enough to assure me that I am loved by them. I wish I could return their kindness one day for all the love shared by both Nelda and her husband Mike. I truly appreciate their friendship, not just because of their acts of love to me, but because they are both very inspiring people, motivating me to one day open my house to friends who need a temporary shelter. When I have a home and a willing partner who shares the same direction with me of course. Nelda told me I could find storage space in Cambridge while waiting for the outcome of my scholarship application and see if it would work out.

Then comes the next big thing in my life which is currently unknown (and I trust this part is safe in God's hand). I have indeed nothing to lose, since I had nothing to begin with. Nothing much to lose out if I don't get it, and everything which comes will be a blessing from God in my life. I'm planning to further my Ph.D. education in University of Cambridge, if it is according to God's plan for me in my life. I have officially accepted the offer to continue my education there, but I have yet received any scholarship which would fund my education for the next three years, and I won't be able to pay for it myself. It would sum up to around £100K for the three years there. Yes, prestigious university with a high price to pay - both physical money, and the mental challenge - to get a "P"ermanent "h"ead "D"amage. This is my passion, locked within my heart ever since the moment I stepped into University Malaysia Sabah for the first time to get my very first tertiary education degree - BSc. (Honours) in Biotechnology.

Only God knows how shattering it was for me when I had to discontinue my attempt for MSc. back then, and how I was humbled by that traumatic experience. Yet, I know that my relationship with Jesus started off because I had nothing else to lose back then when I went to Bundu Tuhan to experience Him with the rest of the Lifeline College Students and Young Adults Ministry of Sacred Heart Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. It was a turning point in my life, when all things changed and Jesus truly came into the picture. The guy whom I was interested and seemed interested in me quickly sensed His presence in my life and how it frustrated the relationship back then. He eventually married someone else. Right now, looking back, even my heart was absolutely broken, I thank God that He took away all that weren't in His plan for me. I could have been married and unhappy, than now, single and seeking the path which is aligning my desires with God's plan for me.

Right now, I'm training the dragon of my dissertation. No more trying to slay the dragon. Finally, after writing this out, I'm gaining momentum of the writing. I know I'm way too far behind if I were to compare with my fellow coursemates who are awesome scientists already when I first met them, be it now we're on talking terms or not. I'm always trailing behind them, wishing I could have the motivation and the energy they portrayed. In fact, I learned a lot for each and every of them, and since we're completing our masters officially in few weeks' time, I sincerely wish them all the best in their future undertakings and thanks for being there when I was difficult. It is my pleasure to have met all of you! Till our paths cross again, I shall miss you all, especially the ones currently based in Spain and Portugal.

Erasmus Mundus Masters in Forensic Science Cohort No.1, 2011-2013.

Front: Georsophila lolipogaster aka George aka Jorge

2nd row: Victor the Great aka Cachi, Haider mi abuelito, Isaac mi mejor amigo

3rd row: Smart and laidback Sammy, la presidente Lia Vania Dewi aka Audrey, Dorothy, Juvi, Dewy, the pretty and sophisticated and smart clinical pharmacist Mia, my ex-roomie cum awesome biologist Suzana aka Sue, smartie Umair who would never cease arguing with Sammy all the time, seriously calming CSI Jonathan, my first ever EM friend who is serious yet fun to be with, Eliza aka the vice president, and me

Last row: the very tall and gentle Jamal who introduced the "chop my money" dance

Okay, it's time for me to get back to the one real thing in my life. The answer to my prayers indeed (minus the backbreaking writing up marathon these coming few days)... I shall hold on to God for now, I have nothing else to lose anyway...

Zombied Dragon Slayer? Maybe Trainer.

I thought I am this...

Maybe I am this...

But actually I am this...

My brains stopped functioning at 3pm, and now it is 4am. I thought I had three days. Now I have two full days. I'm definitely crazy. For once, I think I took stupid risk. It's dissertation submission deadline I'm talking about. I'm going to try sleeping. May the zombied me be sober in the morning. 

Walking the Talk

These days I've been reading an interesting blog while dealing with the mounting dissertation stress which freezes me completely. It's an interesting read as I find him a mirror image of me. This is for the first time in my life that I'm acknowledging that there's a person out there who's the male version of Cindy. I feel it when I read the criteria of his future spouse. I have my own version which is so similar to his that I felt spooky reading it, unable to believe that this could be true. So I'm not crazy setting such criteria for my future spouse :) That's a comfort definitely.

I posted a comment to him that a heart that seeks God is never a lonely heart... and I'd rather be a fool for God than to end up with broken marriage or a wrong guy beside me by praying for my him. Indeed, these few days I've started my prayers for a godly husband once again after a few years of abandoning the hope of ever getting one, despite my doubt if I would ever find my him. In the depths of doubts, I choose to hold on to Him even when I can't feel him.

I'd need to walk the talk of godliness. For every criterion I have for my future spouse, I too should be able to fulfill the criterion myself. My first criterion is a man after God's own heart. So, the first thing to do on my part is to seek God once again. This morning, I hope I could appreciate Jesus the way Kari Jobe sang "What Love is This" and my relationship with Jesus can once again flourish. Indeed, of all the things in the world, I'd rather be a fool for Christ for it brings joy to my life.

Jeremiah 29:11

Two years and two months ago, upon discernment and rather careful planning, plus a "YES" to God to venture into uncharted waters, I resigned from a rather stable 5-day job and bade goodbye to teaching career upon completion of the 3-month notice. It was a strange day where nobody seemed to care. Yet, I knew I was doing exactly what I was called to do, and going to exactly where I was called to go.

It was a miracle when a month after the scholarship results was out and I was on reserved list (which literally means, "with sincere apologies we would like to inform you that you are not selected to be in our scholarship program) that I was offered that very scholarship again. I could only attribute this miracle to God and His plans for me. I was on a roller coaster when I said the second yes.

The first yes was to attend World Youth Day in Madrid, Spain, when I didn't even have financial means to pay for my flights nor registration fees. The second yes was to accept the scholarship and stayed back in Spain rather than to fly back. It would be a brand new chapter in my life. Two sides of the same coin - adventurous and scary at the same time.

I'm a planner by nature, so I've decided that I should travel a bit before the studies commenced. To end the chapter of a working young adult and jump into the chapter of a mature student. By April 2011, I had almost everything worked out - where I would go after WYD, where to leave my 25 kg luggage (all that I could bring for my two-year or more stay in Europe), transportation and accommodations during the Eurotrip, etc. I got really good bargain for my Rome accommodation, and managed to visit a fellow Couchsurfer in his family home in Crailsheim, Germany, and my two South Korean friends in Freiburg. So my journey started on 9th August 2011 when I left Malaysia (with the rest of the WYD team) until further notice.

Upon arrival to Madrid, I took the train down to Cordoba and met with the flatmate of the CSer who housed my luggage for a whole month while I traveled with my Deuter 45L backpack. From Cordoba, I took a bus to La Linea and met up with the group and walked over to Gibraltar where we spent almost a week there for the pre-WYD event. It was spiritually awakening indeed. From Gibraltar, we all took a bus back to super hot Madrid for WYD and yeah, I met Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI in Madrid during the weekend. After WYD ended, I bade goodbye to my church friends and started the solo travel to Barcelona on overnight bus. I arrived very early in the morning, took a train to Manresa and walked to the monastery where I stayed for three nights. I was blessed with the presence of an American Vietnamese priest, Fr. Tri Dinh, who guided me on personal retreat for a day. I never knew that the La Cueva was where St. Ignatius of Loyola stayed and wrote the Spiritual Exercises until I arrived and was given basic information of the monastery. So, for three nights I spent in silence getting enough rest, and be amazed by the love of God. After recharging myself, I met up my old classmate and her friend in Barcelona for two days to catch up and walked around the city of Gaudi. From Barcelona, I flew to Rome and spent four amazing days there. From Rome, I flew to Basel and took a train to Germany. Finally, I returned to Basel after about 5 days in Germany to fly to Spain again - to start my studies.

I'm on Erasmus Mundus Masters Course (EMMC) Scholarship, so every semester I moved to another country where my host university is. September 2011 we started in Madrid, by February 2012 we moved to Lisbon. I went back to Malaysia for the summer, spending about 3 weeks in West Malaysia and the other three in East Malaysia, and attended a close friend's wedding in Kota Kinabalu before I flew back to our 3rd country - the UK - in September 2012. I'm blessed with the opportunity to work on a project here in the UK so I'm here for the whole academic year. By November 2012, I started making enquiries about PhD vacancies. I know I have to get a PhD anywhere before I return to my homeland to start contributing again to the society, or anywhere God leads me to. Out of all the applications and enquiries, only Cambridge is all the way with positive answers...

Currently, I am shy of the financial assistance. I'm almost there, just the money which is stopping me from telling everyone that I'm going to Cambridge for PhD in October. It all got very exciting when Fitzwilliam College added me to the FB graduate group and started knowing who are the ones who would be in the same college as I do, and reading about the traditions of Cambridge. Yet, I'm right now in the 2nd phase of consideration for a scholarship which may fund my 3-year studies. I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm scared. I'm just being human. Yet I know, I have done all I could. I had completed the documentation they needed, and emailed them right before I started writing this entry. Now, only God is left. If it is His will that I will receive some Cambridge education, there I will be, just on time, not a day early, not a day late.

As much as me being a stubborn mule, this time, may God's will be done in my life. For I know that His plans are greater than mine, more intricate and better than what I have in mind. And all His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me (c.f. Jer 29:11).

Selfies with my Lappy and Mobile

Photo from my Samsung Galaxy S3 front camera

Photo from my Samsung Series 3 NP370R5E

Obviously the phone camera's quality is better than the lappy's. But yeah, good enough for Skype I guess :) So far we've skyped without problem.

I gotta go home. I was just informed by the lab manager that they will be shutting down the power supply at 6pm to fix the power supply problem. But right before I go... I was told that I should keep a copy of my Chronicles and probably published it one day as a book. I never thought of that. Those chronicles which I wrote as Facebook statuses. Haha. We'll see.

Time to go home, get some good dinner and set to work on my dissertation again.

Wedding in Poland

It was an honour indeed that my Polish friend, Gosia, invited me to her wedding last weekend. In fact, the moment of knowing her in Igreja Corpo Santo, Lisbon, right after her engagement was a gift from God.

This trip brought out two extremes of emotions - the somber mood in Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp and the joyful experience of Polish wedding celebration.

Friday, 28th June 2013
I was with two Couchsurfers, Magda from Poland and Adam from Australia, on this visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camps. It was a very somber trip, with the drizzle adding to the ambiance. What hit me most is how human beings could be so cruel towards another race, just because they were taught of the superiority of their own race. Basic morality was nullified in the concentration camps. Indeed, where was the love? I was completely in awe when I passed by the starvation cell where St. Maximillian Kolbe was kept for two weeks without water and food, yet remained alive and then killed by lethal injection. Never had I thought I'd be visiting the place where a martyr of the Church was murdered. His life story was one of the few autobiographies of the saints of the Church which I read, without knowing that one day I'd stand outside the cell where he once lived and died. The tour brought us not only to Auschwitz but also to Birkenau, where there were remnants of larger and more "sophisticated" gas chambers as well as the camp itself. Some parts were destroyed, some remained standing as a history lesson to all who know about the Holocaust during World War II against the Jews. My heart breaks for all the souls who were lost in this period of time, and their surviving family members.

This was placed at the entrance of the gas chamber in Auschwitz concentration camp.

The road in Birkenau camp.

Saturday, 29th June 2013
On the other hand, my main objective of visiting Poland for the second time was to attend the wedding of Gosia and Tomek in Tarnow. I met up with her friends (after falling at the pavement and scrapped my knees) and went to Tarnow on 29th June to attend their wedding mass in church at 2 pm. After the wedding, we were all gathered in Hotel Marion for the traditional Polish wedding reception. I was seated with her hometown friends, Ulka and gang. The truth is I was actually in pain almost the whole time due to the scrapped knees and slightly twisted ankle. Yet, I thoroughly enjoyed the 12-hour celebration (4 pm to 4 am) which consisted of eating, drinking and dancing. I had the opportunity to practically try all the traditional Polish cuisines for wedding, drank few shots of vodka and danced a lot with everybody. These three things were beyond the boundaries of language. By the time I got home with Ulka and rested, it was 5.30 am. The birds were chirping and the sun was up.

Gosia and Tomek in the church walking down the aisle as husband and wife.

Gosia looking at Tomek cleaning the broken glass. One of the traditions in Polish wedding is the wedded couple would drink champagne from glasses tied together with a ribbon and then throw the glasses behind them. I'm not sure if the "cleaning up" part is part of it. But it was really adorable.

Gosia and Tomek picked me up from Ulka's place after midday on Sunday and I spent the afternoon in Gosia's family home, attended Sunday mass with them and Gosia's bro-in-law, and had supper of zurek (traditional Polish soup) with bread, and finally they sent me to Krakow on their way back to Katowice. I was honoured to be a part of their lives and be invited to witness this sacred moment of their lives.

May God be their Guide in their lives as married couple from now until the end. Amen!