Lilo & Stitch (2002)

This is one of the lovely animation movie which I like a lot. Re-watched it just now over pasta dinner. My best loved image is this:

Even a "created" creature learns to love and care, even when got persecuted and disliked. I pray I can be more of Stitch each day. Are you loving enough today? If not, love more tomorrow.

100 Roses for My God

Cheers for my 100th Entry to Time Flees, Love Stays! And many words of thanks to my readers for still checking me out even entries become few for the past few months. And every single entry I want to present it to my God who allows me to have skills in typing, writing and thinking (oh... yeah... not forgetting teaching and nagging too... LOL!), and most importantly, a heart that still beats despite all that are happening in my life!

Why these two images instead of roses?
Why "Coyote Ugly" and "Nick Vujicic" at the start of my entry today?
Special reasons of course...
Now let me bring you into the pea-brainy thoughts of mine...

Firstly, Nick Vujicic was the highlight of the Lent Unplugged 2009 talk we had last night in Room F7, illustrations and further explanations given by Mr. Derek Chong. I'd say that the session was filled with 101 feelings for myself. But I was caught by the life of Nick. And obviously, about significance in life. Am I where I should be at this moment? This was the only question running on my mind these days, ever since the night I found out about how people may be less supportive when I'm not doing what they think I should do. But again and again, God affirms me and comforts me that He's in charge of my life. That's why this entry is dedicated to no one but You, Daddy God! Hehehe...

Let's see what else I have on my notes... Derek mentioned about Psalm 139, especially verse 14 which says this: "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well." What he was relating to is this: No matter how we are, how we looks like, how we fare in work or studies, how we relate with people, when God sees us, He'll always say, "You're simply great!" That's how important, how significant we are in His eyes. And praise Him for His love for us! Besides that, God is also not satisfied with giving us just good stuffs, but He wants us to have the very very best. From the videos about Nick Vujicic and Derek's talk, what I picked up from there are these: "There are so many reasons to give up, BUT, there are also A LOT OF REASONS why we should NOT give up." and "It matters not how we might fall, but how we finish it, whether we'll finish it strong." And God still sees me as "simply great" even I could be "simply the worst person ever alive on earth". And because of that, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Now, about Coyote Ugly... A movie I watched right before entering roman letters that eventually form words which will gradually form an article on my blog. This movie was made in 2000. Almost 10 years ago. It is about this girl from a small town wanting to be a songwriter in the big city of New York. Started out as someone who was nervous, low self-esteem, always saying "no" to things she could do but decides she couldn't do it before she even tried, to become a coyote who danced on the bar, singing with the jukebox, capturing crowds with her voice and dance and self. Seeing growth in a low self-esteemed individual to become a confident individual willing to step onto the stage to sing her own song to the crowd, and eventually getting her song sang by LeAnn Rimes.

Why am I talking about this movie together with Nick Vujicic? One is just a worldly movie with entertaining elements and fun, another is a pastor who motivates people with his life. Both shared the same element - the significance of life and the purpose of living it. The main character in Coyote Ugly lived out her dream by seeking it even when she got down-trodden. Nick Vujicic never gives up his life or be depressed having no limbs. It is an affirmation to me that everyone can live out their dreams, everyone has the equal rights of choosing the lives they want to live, and we are precious in the eyes of God. No matter what happens, God will cradle me with His fatherly love in the form of motherly hands. And He will never ever forsake His people. And He gave us JESUS to be the light of our world, the lamp unto our feet.

The Holy Week in the Catholic Church calendar starts from this evening, or tomorrow morning - Palm Sunday. As we prepare to experience the Lord's Resurrection in our lives through His passion as the week goes down to Good Friday, let us all reflect upon the love of the Father who gave us His only begotten Son because of the love He has for His people on earth, and anyone who believes in Him will not perish but may have eternal life (refer to John 3:16). Not only that, when Christ came with the mission to save us, He came with another mission so that we may have life, and the life given is to be lived to the fullest (refer to John 10:10). And so, all you who are reading, be happy that the Lord is our Saviour! Amen!

Stomach Adenocarcinoma with Peritoneal Seedlings

Look at this picture:

What do you think it is???

Is this one clearer to you what it is?

Well, adenocarcinoma is a type of cancer which involves glandular cells. Stomach is where gastric juice is released for food digestion. Why do I talk about all these? Just to clear the fog or mist for individuals who might have been curious where the heck I was during the one-month long sabbatical break from blog, from work, from everywhere else... My dad was diagnosed with stomach adenocarcinoma on 11 Feb 2009. He was scheduled for a total gastrectomy on 3 Mar 2009 in JB HSA, and I flew back home on 24 Feb 2009 to be with my family. Sadly to say, the operation was abandoned when the surgeon found peritoneal seedlings. Layman's term: The operating doctor opened my dad up and closed him back when they noted that my dad's cancer had spreaded.

Then come the agony and pain for my dad. Though in 1st Class Ward (he was a retired government teacher, thus the benefit), he was depressed. The operating surgeon abandoned him and psychologically, my dad felt abandoned by the doctors who gave him high hopes of healing and survival prior to the operation until the extend that my dad refused 2nd opinion in other places. He trusted the surgeons so much that us as his family members had no choice but to comply to his belief that the doctors are good enough for him already.

During his stay in HSA, the surgeon only came to visit him once. Every other day she sent her medical officers who couldn't tell us anything. No further explanation was given, except the oncologist appointment on 23 Mar 2009. It was a stretch on unknown for 20 days? Yes, it was how "efficient" it was in JB. It was due to the fact that there is only ONE oncologist in the whole JB. My dad was discharged on 8 Mar 2009. His vomiting started on the same day as well, not forgetting the super-bad-temper-scolding-people-without-reason kind of attitude once arrived home. I know he was feeling damned awful about everything. In the hospital, he questioned me, "Why am I suffering?" and "Why so many groups had been praying for me yet I am not healed?" but I could not answer what he wants to know. Listening to him saying he wants to sleep forever, I became scared and at loss.

I was back at home two days earlier and I had been thinking long on his survival rate if ever the tumour blocks his stomach passage. I never thought it could really happen if it were not to be the 2nd opinion with surgeon in UMMC on 11 Mar 2009. She confirmed my question on this theory of mine that my dad would starve to death instead of dying from cancer if we didn't do anything to unblock his stomach passage. Thus the second admission for my dad to hospital on 12 Mar 2009 after his gastroscopy, whereby the gastroenterologist used some sort of balloon technique to enlarge the lumen and laser to remove some of the obstructing tumour so that my dad could continue feeding.

A new batch of struggles came into place for my family, because there were three separate suggestions proposed by the surgeon in order to prolong and improve my dad's quality of life. One, to continue doing the technique mentioned above every 3 weeks as the cancer will eventually block his stomach passage again until his stomach hardened or burst during the scope. Two, to agree to be operated again as the surgeon saw a stretch of oesophagus still clear from cancer cells from inside but can only be done if the outer layer of the location is also clear. Three, chemotherapy to shrink the tumour. My family, without the knowledge of my dad yet, decided that operation is the best option, but after breaking the news to him, he refused to be operated on the basis it is painful and he doesn't want to go through the pain again. At first I was completely stunned by his choice, but after praying about it, I've decided to submit to him, who is the daddy my Daddy God gave me. Looking at the Giver, the best thing to do is to submit to my dad, the gift.

My dad was in the hospital for a week due to the pain he felt after laser. And he was also on morphine syrup as pain control. How painful we felt when we see him frowning and jerking to wake during his sleep as the morphine's effect subsided! Then came the possibility that he could be clinically depressed because he refused to talk and think. All he wanted was to sleep and when he was awake, he complained of pain and that he's dying. I know he's down the road of negativity. Nothing seemed to revive him. Not even us being there anymore. He agreed on meeting and talking with psychiatrist, thus we got the surgeon to arrange him to talk to one. But after his meetup with the psychiatrist, he told us that the doctor was just telling him how to prepare to die. He refused follow up with the doctor.

Prior to his 2nd opinion in UMMC, we brought him to TCM centre of Putra Hospital, Melaka to see a doctor who specialises in chinese medicine. Paid the money for treatment and medications for a month. I managed to arrange for my dad to stay in St. Peter's Church, Melaka, which is directly opposite Putra Hospital. Thank God for the grace and His kindness. My dad is currently in Melaka with my mom for daily acupuncture. He has appointments with the UMMC surgeon, thus will have to travel to and fro KL every now and then. Ever since he was discharged from UMMC, he refused to talk or think, even drinking or eating becomes a topic of refusal with the reason he feels painful when he eats/drinks. We all know he's depressed, disappointed and everything, but nobody could help him if he chooses not to help himself. It hurts everytime when I called and he said he doesn't want to talk and he feels like he's dying. It was already like that even before I had decided to fly back to continue working. There's nothing we can do besides praying for him to come out of darkness at this point...

As for financial status of my family... My dad, as a non-graduate retired teacher, he is drawing a pension, which is currently used by my brother as his living allowances in KL while studying in a private college there. My mom has resigned from all her jobs, thus left me with a monthly income. Our first thought when we know my dad's cancer spread was that I leave everything here in KK and go back to take care of my dad while my mom continues working. But things changed when my dad requires daily acupuncture in Melaka that would need my mom to stop working completely to be with my dad. After discussing with my mom, we've decided that I will come back to KK to work and give her monthly allowance until further notice, since I could go back quite often due to school holidays.

Nevertheless, there are many people telling me what I should do and what I should have done. Some told me directly, which I truly appreciate it, but some decided reaching out to me or changing my mind is an impossible task, thus chatting about it on MSN became their comfort. I know they meant well, and I know they had been curious why I am back in KK to work when my dad is verified to be dying. I also know that they care, that's why they are curious and discussed about it. But I am also curious why they need to discuss about it when they could have directly asked me. I was given explanation that I would give them 101 reasons of why I'm staying back in KK without acknowledging there is something deeper which needs to be solved. Whether or not that is really the reason they talked about it or being slightly-off-the-warmth because the fact I'm here instead of being at the side of my dying father, I'm letting it go now. Is the problem only me alone and my prodigal attitude? Or is the problem two-way and a form refusal to communicate and trust? I don't have enough strength to be upset about what they think of me for too long. A night, a morning and an afternoon are more than enough.

Just to let you who had been chatting about it on MSN/Facebook/YM, I'm forgiving you for discussing about it without coming to me to ask me what the heck my tiny pea brain is thinking. And do forgive me that I'm not able to comply to what you think that I should do and should have done and I'm insensitive to realise you don't agree with my decision thus the coolness between us arise. I'm sorry for creating waves of discomfort here.

I think I shared enough to let you who read my blog know me and my current condition and also my dad who is very chronically ill. I'm currently back in KK to work until my next trip back on 30 Apr to 4 May 2009. Till then, I'll continue updating the blog with my bits and pieces from the tiny pea brain. Any changes will be shared if I find it necessary. Thanks for reading such a long entry. It's been a while, thus the practice required.

God Bless and thanks for all your prayers!

Just Some Thoughts Here and There on a Warm Afternoon in KK

It's the 5th Sunday of Lent, the Sunday before Palm Sunday next week. Last week of Lenten season before entering the climax before the Resurrection of the Lord on Easter. I'm not a holy moly person, I'm just a sinner, not once, but repetitive sinner. Might have some Pharisee and scribe in me too. And lots of uncertainties and self-pity many times. Just a sinner wanting to be certain, be it in real world or spiritually. In Christ is where I find peace most of the time, but I still search for comfort in human relationships. Am I not renewed at this point because of this? Being a people person (an obvious excuse), I have tendency to be needy. I need Salvation from this God of mine who shepherds people out of valley of darkness. Though I had attended Novena and Sunset Mass yesterday, I attended mass again this morning when I saw that the celebrant was Archbishop John Lee. Just couldn't help it.

My heart was torn by coldness and bitterness since yesterday evening due to unforeseen circumstances and I needed that Spirit of the Living God to mend it.

Ok, the few points I can remember are as below:

1. Let the Lord dig your graves
2. Dying to sins, to self during Lent in order to be resurrected at Easter
   
3. Don't hold on to things.
4. It is ok to tell a dying person "It's ok to die" because that is the moment of meeting God face to face, but the person must be prepared spiritually to meet Him.
   
5. Jesus allows Lazarus time to let go of things that he holds on to and die, then after Jesus went to resurrect him so that God's name be glorified.
6. We need community (in the gospel - the Jews) to unbind and free us (Re: John 11:44).
   

FYI, I'm not good with audio, tend to forget very easily. There were many striking points, but so far I can only recall these. Those who read my blog and happened to be there at mass, feel free to add up the points. I'm learning to be who I am in Christ, and not the speculation of others or trying to do what others think I should do. I'm also learning not to judge those who are concerned over my decisions and place opinions about it then being slightly-off-the-warmth with me because of my decisions. Because I asked, "Why do they want to speculate and discuss on messenger about what choices I made and yet choose not to reach out to me because they find me unreachable?" thus I had judged. Now I have to re-learn to not be affected and become upset with their speculation because it all comes from the core that they care but they don't know how to care.

"Jesus said: I am the resurrection. Anyone who believes in me, even though that person dies, will live, and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."
~ John 11: 25-26 ~

If I were a Boy (feat. R. Kelly)

Adrian (an old, sweet friend of mine) was driving me down to JB when we heard this song in the car. It's kinda funny... Let's enjoy the song and read the lyrics. For me, I see how God has created man and woman being different yet complimentary towards each other. So my conclusion would be it is better to be happy being who we are instead of trying to be who others want us to be. I've been through that phase and I had enough of it. I'm now stuck in situations where people are deciding what I should be doing at this moment... Oh well, God help me see the goodwill out of it.




Here's the lyrics for pondering purpose:

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me
If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
(R. Kelly)
If you were a boy
then girl you'd understand
you need to stop listening to your friends
love, respect and trust your man
So I go to clubs with the guys
and sometimes flirt with the girls
I should be able to roll out
as long as Im coming home to you
and give you the world
But you are not a boy,
so you dont have a clue (ey)
How I work and pay the bills
girl and everything I do is for you (eh eh)
(Beyonce)
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a Boy (Beyonce)
If I were a Girl (Kelly)
I would turn off my phone (Beyonce)
I wouldn't play games (Kelly)
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone (Beyonce)
Girl you know thats wrong (Kelly)
Id put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that shell be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.
But you are not a boy,
so you can't understand
You are not a perfect woman
and I am not a perfect man (with me, with me)
I'd listen to her (eh eh)
Cause I know how it hurts (Kelly: and I know how you feel)
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
Kelly: Said Im sorry
It's a little too late for you to come back
but I cant let you go
cause Im too attached (Kelly)
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong
But you're just a boy

Freedom Camp 2009

Hi all, I'm back. I'll share what had been happening since I took the break from blogging et al. How is everybody? Just before I lay down to rest, just want to share an image I found on internet...

Pretty interesting huh? Ever wonder why there is an empty space in your heart unable to be filled with anything in the world? There's a way you can discover what you have been lacking... I found mine at Freedom Camp in 2006. So now... in 2009...

FREEDOM CAMP IS HERE AGAIN~~~~

Details are as below:

Date: 17-19 April 2009 (Weekend after Easter)
Venue: Pace Bene Retreat Centre, Papar
Reg. fees: RM60 (no transport) / RM70 (student+transport) / RM80 (with transport)
** Open to ALL young adults and students above 19 years old **

Anybody who is interested, please drop me a comment. I will direct you to the person in charge. Good night and God bless!

Sabbathical Break for Blog

Dear Readers,

Hereby I'd like to announce that I won't be writing very often (almost null) on my blog as there are some storms happening at home in Johor thus I'll be away from KK for a while after 28 February. I'll let you all know when I'll be back again. Please keep my family in prayers.

God bless.

Love in Christ,
Cindy C.