Europe Countdown: Day 39

I wrote this on 30th June 2011 morning....

Oops.. I missed out DAY 40. It was yesterday. Okay, now the official announcement which was meant for yesterday....

I RECEIVED OFFER TO STUDY ERASMUS MUNDUS MASTERS IN FORENSIC SCIENCE, SO I AM LEAVING MALAYSIA TO EUROPE OFFICIALLY ON 8TH AUGUST 2011.

This is a JOYFUL news for me, as I have always been good with my research skills and would love to return to research... For five years I have contemplated about leaving the country due to the many excuses I gave myself. Yet, beyond all the excuses I have made, I knew that deep down, God's plan is greater than what I can see. So, this time round, I found myself without any excuse to say NO to Him again. Instead, I give myself the chance to trust in God's plan in my life.

Last year September, I had a long chat with Felix and Yvonne, two great friends who have been there for me since 2006 when I first joined Lifeline Ministry. It has been a long and wonderful journey with them both. The chat with me caused me to think further and deeper in my future. My question then was "Am I doing what I am called to do?" and also "Have I been using my talents which God has given to me?" Sadly speaking, I did not. I started making steps towards living my life to the fullest, which  means I have to live and use the God-given talents I have to let His light shine through me. I know I am capable to get my further degrees done if I want to. And yes, I have been passionate about my research projects etc, so I know eventually, I will be happier if I follow the passion I have...

There's this story about the Baby Camel and the Mama Camel which I heard from Derek Chong, our church youth coordinator cum my life coach during Jumpstart seminar.... It's applicable to all wild animals kept in zoo. We, the human beings, want to keep them safe and provide chances for our future generations to see these endangered species. Yet, we forgot that God creates each animal to be special and specific to their living environment. When we are put in a place where our specific talents are used, we thrive despite difficulties, and we will be happy. When we are not, then the opposite occurs. It is not that I am not happy being a private secondary school teacher, but I know there is more than just this in me. So, I need to start exploring them once again.

I applied to both Gwangju Institute of Science and Technology in South Korea and also Erasmus Mundus programs (in fact I applied for three Erasmus programs). I was pretty sure I will be going to Korea as I was in the reserved list for EM Masters in Forensic Science when the results was out in April. Yet, the Lord has His plan for me. In mid May, I received an email from the program coordinator asking if I am still interested to take up the grant offer. I took the chance since I did not hear anything from GIST yet. Only by end of May they informed me that the position is mine and all I need to do was to proceed with visa application. For the information My naive mind thought that going overseas was as easy as ABC, and I was very wrong as there are many bureaucratic steps to be taken and trips to KL had to be planned and executed.

Now, I am in the process of getting my Certificate of Good Conduct from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and the Non-Objection Certificate from Ministry of Higher Education so that I can proceed with the visa application with the Embassy of Spain. Fingers crossed that I will be able to get the certs when I go to KL in mid-July. Though worried, I know now I have to rely on God for His divine intervention. With God, all things are possible.

Another problem arising which I hope I can somewhat solve prior to my flight to Madrid will be the location of my extra luggages. I hope I can place my luggage in Cordoba (where I shall be for the first 6 months of my studies), but keeping them in Madrid will be equally sufficient. In fact, I'm on the "as long as there is a safe place to keep my luggage for 1 month" mode... Another challenge will be to get everything settled prior to my last departure from KK on 6th August morning - the car, the boxes of stuffs, extra clothes to give away, things to send back to Johor, bills and letters from insurance companies, mobile service providers, Streamyx... A LONG list of things to do in fact. Is there anyone who can assist me please???

So now, in the midst of all these I still have work to do. And now, to break the news to the students so that they will not be too surprised of my depart. Oh well, knowing them, they wouldn't care. But I still have the responsibility to inform them. So, nope, I am not abandoning them. It's just that I have something which my priority in life right now. And I want to know what God has in His plan for me.

Europe Countdown: Day 41

One day 24 hours. It is considered half a day is gone when 13 hours had passed. I didn't blog last night because I was at my friend's grandpa's funeral wake. My condolence to the Shim family for the loss of their grandpa. I met grandpa Shim once last year when I visited their family house in Kudat. He was a very nice, chirpy old man, who cared for his grandchildren a lot - especially when it comes to their marriage. Haha. I remember that night he nagged about his eldest grandson to his grand daughter, my friend. I'm sure grandpa Shim knew and was assured about the girl the grandson has chosen to be his future wife.

I went out with some Couchsurfing friends, Tom from UK and Elena from KK last Sunday. After Sunday mass, I brought Tom for some local Indian food in Sri Latha, then met up with Elena to tag along to Kadazan wedding reception. Tom had never been to a local wedding, hence the visit. It was fun. After that, we went to 1Borneo for a short walk, and then to UMS jetty and ODEC beach to await the sunset. It was awesome day out, concluded after dinner in Emperor's Delight. Yummy dumpling, and hand-made noodles.

Yesterday was a normal day. Started drowsily as how every working day is, after dragging myself to my feet, washed up and started work... In the evening I went over to UMS to pick up a verification letter, and yummy food for "lunner" (lunch+dinner). I was drowsy again by the time it was 6pm, so I just laid on the bed while waiting for time to go for prayers for the repose of the soul of grandpa Shim.

When I was at the funeral reciting the prayers, I was reminded of my dad's funeral wake. Pretty emotional for me at that moment, but I managed to swallow everything inside then. I didn't cry much when my dad passed away. It was not because I wasn't sad losing my dad, but more like I couldn't feel much then. I was in a shock, I guess. How would I know that my school holidays which was meant to be spent with my family, turned out to be a funeral? Though terminal stage of cancer is equivalent to death itself, but my last visit home in July 2009, my dad seemed strong... So yeah... I lost the one and only extinct species of dad. And the loss is there, always. Nobody at home seemed to understand the difficulty I felt about going home. Nobody around me either. Pointing fingers became the norm of any society. Well, I can't stop people from wagging their tongues.

Two years later... Here I am, blogging about it, wondering if I am running away from my true self, and escaping from reality of life. Perhaps it's just my hormone speaking now.....

I shall continue day 41 by going to a 30-min chat with my life coach friend, then a good sleep and prayers in Fook Luk Siew for the repose of the soul of grandpa Shim.

P/S: It's DAY 40 tomorrow. Time to let the cat out of the bag!

Europe Countdown: Day 43

I actually missed out about 4 days of counting down to my Europe journey... Let's recount what happened over the long, missing days... First was the vocal training by Mrs. Simon Chan from Singapore. It was a really good experience to be taught how to sing properly. As much as I didn't agree on certain issues which she raised up about choirs in Catholic Church, but I'm totally grateful to her willingness to teach a bunch of choir members who do not know how to read notes and the difference between crescendo and crochet. I know we must have frustrated her a lot - the high notes which we did not hit, the inability to get what she was trying to say, etc. Two nights of vocal training, and finally my throat gave up on me and started acting up - the sorethroat and cough became apparent, partly thanks to the crazy weather in KK.

Yesterday was more of a day of resting and then in the evening was Mass and choir performance. In the morning there was report card day in school. I've expected more parents to turn up, but I'm rather disappointed with the outcome. Only half the parents turned up... The performance went without a glitch...

*yawn* I'm just too sleepy to continue... I shall blog about the real Day 43 tomorrow then.

Good night! God bless you always...

Europe Countdown: Day 47

Another day has passed without a trace. As time draws near, every single day becomes precious. I'm still feeling a bit way too exhausted since my KL trip. I know the next trip is coming up very soon and I would have to replenish my energy prior to my trip. Gosh... I wish and I pray that my cert of good conduct will be issued soon. Then at least I can proceed with the visa application and be more restful at night. I've been worrying way too much. When will the date of completion be? I hope it's exactly by the time I fly to KL next month...

I'm so getting sick with the heat and all. I can't really concentrate at work and tend to miss out details which are important. This is so unfair for the people whom I'm reaching out to....

I was supposed to watch X-Men this afternoon to unwind, but I ended up watching a real cool sci-fi movie - Green Lantern - because I made a mistake on the time of the show. Well, knowing nothing about the movie, it was unexpectedly good. In fact, it reminds me of Inception and Avatar. Yeah, I believe it'd be more awesome if it's in 3D format, but I didn't want to spend extra monies on 3D. I bought a nice bag which I will use for traveling, and some cheap cotton socks. It was RM13 for 3 pairs of cotton socks in F.O.S. with 20% discount. So I bought like 6 pairs of the same kind... It shall last me for two years (fingers crossed). I'd need woolen socks if it gets too cold for sure, but that I will get it later on.

Time to rest. Tomorrow onwards I shall try my best to attend daily masses. It becomes so easy to skip mass after a period of time of absence from daily mass.... I am spiritual, charismatic, and yes, religious because I go to church and I believe the teachings of the Church are in accordance to Jesus' teachings, but our eyes are always filled with logs but we could see the tiny speck of dust of another.

God bless all!

Europe Countdown: Day 48

Tick tock! Tick tock! Time is drawing nearer each day.

There are another 47 days before I fly to Europe. Let's recount my day 48 in Malaysia. I went out for an hour to pick up Mel and then headed down to ATI for Erasmus Mundus Association networking meeting. However, we were disappointed because the college staffs informed us that they never even heard of this program, let alone the networking and promotional meeting. Of course, Mel and I had a good catching-up session for about 15 minutes before I drove back to school for my lesson and work. We had part II of the catching up after work though. I am hearing a lot about the negative side of being a Catholic in Europe, a region once sent missionaries to our country and spread this religion of love to our people. Why is the scandals of the church becoming the reason people no longer believe in religion? If religion is used to control the minds of the people, then Jesus must had been the most successful mind controller. Yet, He has always been giving us freewill, to believe or not to believe. He still loves us all the same... How can we be spiritual and not religious? And why these two entities are separated? Penny for my thoughts....

I'm currently having a dull headache. I guess it's the heat in KK. I'm going to miss the humidity and weather for sure. Well, enjoying every single moment of it now, since it won't be long before 48 becomes 8. Yes, I am both excited and worried if I can get all things done, while working at the same time. Of course, I need every single cent of my last two months of salary. My July salary is already being deducted due to my visits to KL. It shall be deducted again middle of July. It's probably one of the worst news, but I know God will still provide somehow. I still have my PAMA foundation (papa-mama foundation that is).

Some of my current students sort of know that I am leaving for studies soon. It's always hard to say goodbyes, but I know it won't be as tough as it would have been if I left two years earlier though. I like the 2009 batch most, perhaps it's due to the fact that they were my first batch of students, and we went through a lot together. The one and only form 5 Compassion class was memorable to me. Not only they remembered me during Teachers' Day and surprised me with the 2-kg-yummy-looking yam cake, but also their golden hearts. I'm glad to see them all (batch 2009) doing well in whatever they are doing. Ah-hah, and the self-proclaimed favorite student of mine. I stayed back until they graduated. And now they had graduated, time for me to spread my wings and fly~

So I shall continue sleeping. Perhaps taking a dose of panadol will help with my headache. I shall let the cat out of the bag soon. When day 40 comes.

God bless all!

Europe Countdown: Day 49

Another 7 weeks to my Europe trip. Frankly speaking, I am lacking of confidence that I would get everything settled on time. Another 6 weeks in school. I am trying so hard now to forgive those who had intentionally informed everyone in the school, including the students that I am going away. In fact, I don't need such promotions. All I want is some serenity to get things done instead of delaying things because of unwanted questions from everyone. I am just tired of explaining myself all the time.

I left KL with a rather heavy heart. I have friends who are battling with something tough and stressful right now. I could do nothing for them, except prayers to be offered for them daily now. Yeah, I wasn't really a good friend, like what she said, when I told her I felt awkward with the silence. I've never really been good with silence, due to my boundaries issues. I really hope that after a while, things will be alright for her and her family.

Yeah, speaking about boundaries issues, now I know I'm at the peak of it. Or am I in the valley? Either one, it means I am struggling with boundaries. One end of it, I want to just be on my own and I can do my stuffs according to the timing I want. On the other end, I hope I can experience kinder and more considerate people. Perhaps I just want some concern from somewhere that is. I am contradicting myself at the moment.

Today's bible verse for reflection:
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Europe Countdown: Day 50 (Part 1)

WOW. Another 50 days to go. Will my visa be done on time? I just received another "assignment" from the Spanish coordinator in Cordoba - to get my documents legalized.

It's definitely good to eat my mom's rice dumpling. But of course, parents will always be parents... Can't help but to micro-manage me, as usual.

I have a confession to make: I didn't get to attend mass this Sunday :( Got voted out by my mom and brother last night. This is so disappointing....

I'm in Senai Airport now... waiting for my flight, and apparently it's calling for boarding, so I shall write my next part of my Day 50 in KK.