Look at this picture:
What do you think it is???
Is this one clearer to you what it is?
Well, adenocarcinoma is a type of cancer which involves glandular cells. Stomach is where gastric juice is released for food digestion. Why do I talk about all these? Just to clear the fog or mist for individuals who might have been curious where the heck I was during the one-month long sabbatical break from blog, from work, from everywhere else... My dad was diagnosed with stomach adenocarcinoma on 11 Feb 2009. He was scheduled for a total gastrectomy on 3 Mar 2009 in JB HSA, and I flew back home on 24 Feb 2009 to be with my family. Sadly to say, the operation was abandoned when the surgeon found peritoneal seedlings. Layman's term: The operating doctor opened my dad up and closed him back when they noted that my dad's cancer had spreaded.
Then come the agony and pain for my dad. Though in 1st Class Ward (he was a retired government teacher, thus the benefit), he was depressed. The operating surgeon abandoned him and psychologically, my dad felt abandoned by the doctors who gave him high hopes of healing and survival prior to the operation until the extend that my dad refused 2nd opinion in other places. He trusted the surgeons so much that us as his family members had no choice but to comply to his belief that the doctors are good enough for him already.
During his stay in HSA, the surgeon only came to visit him once. Every other day she sent her medical officers who couldn't tell us anything. No further explanation was given, except the oncologist appointment on 23 Mar 2009. It was a stretch on unknown for 20 days? Yes, it was how "efficient" it was in JB. It was due to the fact that there is only ONE oncologist in the whole JB. My dad was discharged on 8 Mar 2009. His vomiting started on the same day as well, not forgetting the super-bad-temper-scolding-people-without-reason kind of attitude once arrived home. I know he was feeling damned awful about everything. In the hospital, he questioned me, "Why am I suffering?" and "Why so many groups had been praying for me yet I am not healed?" but I could not answer what he wants to know. Listening to him saying he wants to sleep forever, I became scared and at loss.
I was back at home two days earlier and I had been thinking long on his survival rate if ever the tumour blocks his stomach passage. I never thought it could really happen if it were not to be the 2nd opinion with surgeon in UMMC on 11 Mar 2009. She confirmed my question on this theory of mine that my dad would starve to death instead of dying from cancer if we didn't do anything to unblock his stomach passage. Thus the second admission for my dad to hospital on 12 Mar 2009 after his gastroscopy, whereby the gastroenterologist used some sort of balloon technique to enlarge the lumen and laser to remove some of the obstructing tumour so that my dad could continue feeding.
A new batch of struggles came into place for my family, because there were three separate suggestions proposed by the surgeon in order to prolong and improve my dad's quality of life. One, to continue doing the technique mentioned above every 3 weeks as the cancer will eventually block his stomach passage again until his stomach hardened or burst during the scope. Two, to agree to be operated again as the surgeon saw a stretch of oesophagus still clear from cancer cells from inside but can only be done if the outer layer of the location is also clear. Three, chemotherapy to shrink the tumour. My family, without the knowledge of my dad yet, decided that operation is the best option, but after breaking the news to him, he refused to be operated on the basis it is painful and he doesn't want to go through the pain again. At first I was completely stunned by his choice, but after praying about it, I've decided to submit to him, who is the daddy my Daddy God gave me. Looking at the Giver, the best thing to do is to submit to my dad, the gift.
My dad was in the hospital for a week due to the pain he felt after laser. And he was also on morphine syrup as pain control. How painful we felt when we see him frowning and jerking to wake during his sleep as the morphine's effect subsided! Then came the possibility that he could be clinically depressed because he refused to talk and think. All he wanted was to sleep and when he was awake, he complained of pain and that he's dying. I know he's down the road of negativity. Nothing seemed to revive him. Not even us being there anymore. He agreed on meeting and talking with psychiatrist, thus we got the surgeon to arrange him to talk to one. But after his meetup with the psychiatrist, he told us that the doctor was just telling him how to prepare to die. He refused follow up with the doctor.
Prior to his 2nd opinion in UMMC, we brought him to TCM centre of Putra Hospital, Melaka to see a doctor who specialises in chinese medicine. Paid the money for treatment and medications for a month. I managed to arrange for my dad to stay in St. Peter's Church, Melaka, which is directly opposite Putra Hospital. Thank God for the grace and His kindness. My dad is currently in Melaka with my mom for daily acupuncture. He has appointments with the UMMC surgeon, thus will have to travel to and fro KL every now and then. Ever since he was discharged from UMMC, he refused to talk or think, even drinking or eating becomes a topic of refusal with the reason he feels painful when he eats/drinks. We all know he's depressed, disappointed and everything, but nobody could help him if he chooses not to help himself. It hurts everytime when I called and he said he doesn't want to talk and he feels like he's dying. It was already like that even before I had decided to fly back to continue working. There's nothing we can do besides praying for him to come out of darkness at this point...
As for financial status of my family... My dad, as a non-graduate retired teacher, he is drawing a pension, which is currently used by my brother as his living allowances in KL while studying in a private college there. My mom has resigned from all her jobs, thus left me with a monthly income. Our first thought when we know my dad's cancer spread was that I leave everything here in KK and go back to take care of my dad while my mom continues working. But things changed when my dad requires daily acupuncture in Melaka that would need my mom to stop working completely to be with my dad. After discussing with my mom, we've decided that I will come back to KK to work and give her monthly allowance until further notice, since I could go back quite often due to school holidays.
Nevertheless, there are many people telling me what I should do and what I should have done. Some told me directly, which I truly appreciate it, but some decided reaching out to me or changing my mind is an impossible task, thus chatting about it on MSN became their comfort. I know they meant well, and I know they had been curious why I am back in KK to work when my dad is verified to be dying. I also know that they care, that's why they are curious and discussed about it. But I am also curious why they need to discuss about it when they could have directly asked me. I was given explanation that I would give them 101 reasons of why I'm staying back in KK without acknowledging there is something deeper which needs to be solved. Whether or not that is really the reason they talked about it or being slightly-off-the-warmth because the fact I'm here instead of being at the side of my dying father, I'm letting it go now. Is the problem only me alone and my prodigal attitude? Or is the problem two-way and a form refusal to communicate and trust? I don't have enough strength to be upset about what they think of me for too long. A night, a morning and an afternoon are more than enough.
Just to let you who had been chatting about it on MSN/Facebook/YM, I'm forgiving you for discussing about it without coming to me to ask me what the heck my tiny pea brain is thinking. And do forgive me that I'm not able to comply to what you think that I should do and should have done and I'm insensitive to realise you don't agree with my decision thus the coolness between us arise. I'm sorry for creating waves of discomfort here.
I think I shared enough to let you who read my blog know me and my current condition and also my dad who is very chronically ill. I'm currently back in KK to work until my next trip back on 30 Apr to 4 May 2009. Till then, I'll continue updating the blog with my bits and pieces from the tiny pea brain. Any changes will be shared if I find it necessary. Thanks for reading such a long entry. It's been a while, thus the practice required.
God Bless and thanks for all your prayers!
