Cakes

For a while now I'm struggling because of the multiple issues which occurred at the same time. Thank God for a very supportive group of friends, I'm pretty much supported. Plus additional help from the college and the counselling services, I guess I'm hanging in alright. Not great or the best, but I'm having the right support to get me through this.

I baked a bit these days, thinking it'd be great to share with my friends. I know not everyone will like my cakes but so far nobody complained that my cakes tasted horrible. Nobody but one. As much as I know what he said isn't the truth about me, I still felt horrible and disgusted to hear that this individual (who had caused me a lot of distress and troubles these days) had once said it openly to someone that my cakes tasted horrible and he wished that a previous PhD student was still around because she baked great cakes. This very same individual actually told me he enjoyed my cake when I offered him. Now that I finally know what he had been saying behind my back to others, without checking whether the person he backstabbed me to is my friend or my foe, he's officially banned from all the cakes and food I make in future. Unfortunately, he actually commented on my cake to the one who started dating me and thought my cakes are great.

God knows all that are kept in the dark and He will reveal it in due course. I believe He has my back. This issue is not my battle alone. I've God on my side all the days of my life. My God will deliver His people and save me from injustices. This, I believe.

Forgotten

I've been struggling so much for the past two years. The health suffered a great deal. Now I am trying to fight off injustices which fell upon me for the past two months and it made no sense anymore. I no longer know what I like. I forgot the things I used to like and activities I enjoyed. Everything doesn't make much sense to me. All I want to do is to sleep and never remember anything. The boyfriend has been encouraging me whole morning through emails to come out of my cocoon but I just couldn't. Today is exceptionally difficult. I'm awake since forever but I can't seem to drag myself off the bed. Yesterday I've been so angry I was constantly thinking of methods of hurting those who hurt me. I've been so upset for so long that I forgot how to be happy for longer than 24 hours. I'm happier whenever I'm with S but the hurt is there and I feel so helpless. I know it is difficult for S to see me in despair too. But I can't do anything to stop all these right now..

Everyone thought my life is a bed of roses. Scholarship for a European masters. Traveled around different countries. Scholarship for a PhD. Not just anywhere but one of the top three giants in the world. Dating an awesome guy in many sense. What else am I dissatisfied about?

Nobody knows what lies underneath this title. Chucked aside because I am ill, don't listen to evil postdoc's micromanagement and produced results which weren't according to his "expected results". Accused of things I didn't do wrong. Tracked daily like a criminal on probation. My lab book was flipped through to find evidence of how bad a researcher I was. I was not a bad researcher at all. Distrustful glances thrown at me all the time. Chased after to explain the protocols again and again... Now I'm being kept waiting in a limbo forever. Great life indeed huh.. Thyroid hormones are finally stabilised after 16 weeks of adjusting levothyroxine level.

Now I'm battling with so much anger and sadness because of the men who caused injustice and unfair judgment upon me. And nobody seems to hear me. Hello! I'm here. I exist. Do I? Don't tell me to chill out when you don't know what hell I am going through now.

So when I travel and post photos of my happy times, perhaps it's just that tiny fraction of my happier times which I'm struggling to grasp before it vaporises again. Don't be envious and think that I'm an Asian living the dreams of many others. I am just a struggling me. That's all.

Lisbon: Revisiting Memories

As I walked on the streets of Lisbon, tracing my footsteps back to ISCSEM, the graduate institute I spent a semester in, and be reminded by Swarm/Foursquare of my last check-ins here and there since July 2012, it is like reliving my memories as an Erasmus Mundus student: where I had been, what I had done, who I had come to know, why I had decided to do what I did and am doing. This short weekend of refocusing will definitely recharge and refresh my mind for the hectic weeks ahead. I think the sunshine, blue sky, good food and water body (Rio Tejo) are very helpful. And yes, the temperature. I've to be careful not to be burnt though.

Excited. Lisbon.

The last evening in Lisbon was 30th July 2012. I took the long distance bus and left to Barajas Airport in Madrid to fly to Stansted Airport. I never thought one day Stansted Airport would be my first option if I were to fly off to soothe my itchy feet. But it did, and will be in the near future.

It's been almost three years since I've been back to Lisbon. To be exact, I've not been back to any of the cities I studied in since I left. My attempt in 2013 to return to Lisbon had to be cancelled due to the priority of my Masters dissertation. It was worth it if I focused on the outcome of my Masters *wink*

I went through my stash of city maps I collected as I traveled and found my good ol' map of Lisbon, and map of Sintra - a place I've always wanted to go but never did when I was there as a student/resident. Another opportunity to return to this city is definitely exciting.

Finally, the true Pasteis de Belem. Finally, another scope of Santini ice cream. Finally, another breathtaking chillax session with my friends. Finally, another English mass in Igreja do Corpo Santo Lisboa. Finally, I am returning to Lisbon. Thank God for the opportunity.

From my huge stash of photos of Lisbon - Ponte 25 de Abril, taken on Sacred Heart Feast Day 2012 from Cristo Rei Sanctuary

Finally, It's Finalised!

Yes, it is finally official. Both supervisor and department transfers were completed (hence the program too!). After almost six months, there's finally a sense that something had moved. Thank God.

Cold, Cold, Go Away!

The worst things that can happen in the life of a graduate student include explosion of the laptop filled with data which we forget to backup, equipment used for experiments decided to break down in the middle of a crucial experiment, internet gets disconnected when a large data file is 90% uploaded with 10% to go, our pet microbes die in sleep during the weekend, incubator loses control of its temperature causing our pet to die of frost or heatstroke, and last (but not least) to catch a cold when an awfully important presentation is due in the same week. The list can go on forever... PhD comics would have a bunch of well-illustrated experiences for sure.

As for me, I'm down with the idiotic cold this week!! Of all the weeks... the silly bug visits me this week!!!! First the sore throat, then the infamous runny nose and built up of mucus in sinus cavities, finally the dizzying cough. The worst of all is I have a crucial presentation tomorrow afternoon (which is almost done but not so!). I'd have expected a cold around this time of the year, it's always before, during or after my birthday. Somehow the busyness caused me to forget to take extra precautions. Thank God I wasn't sick on my birthday!

Let's see what I've tried so far to hasten the recovery:
1) Over-saturation of Vitamin C
2) Chicken soup
3) Honey water (warm)
4) Loratidine (abandoned after two doses)
5) Pseudoepinephrine (somehow working so far)
6) Nasal spray
7) Steam vapor to dislodge mucus in sinus cavities
8) Sleep and stay home

FYI, lemon or whatever form of lemony stuffs don't work for me at all. I tend to get sicker after doing lemon. Strepsils don't work too. It might work for general public but not for Cindy.

Let's see if it helps me to get things done tomorrow morning for a good presentation in the afternoon. I've gotta seal the deal. It's either present or perish. I'm not quite done with Cambridge so I hope I can nail it.

Tomorrow alone activities are lined up like a beeline. First the session with college counsellor, then fire safety talk, finally the presentation. I need a miracle, which can only come from God alone. May the Lord walk me through this tough but interestingly challenging period.

Amen.

Irony of Life: Family?

One interesting statement: Family is supposed to be the closest to oneself even when one feels like stabbing them all the time.

It is supposed to. But is this statement valid for everyone? Maybe. Maybe not.

An early birthday gift is the knowledge that no one in my so-called family bothers to keep contact with me to the extent that they don't even have my contact number here in the UK because my only brother reformatted his mobile phone. Good for him.

Should I bother to give them my number again? I wanted to know if I mean anything to them, so I stopped calling home since end of July. Guess what? After three months, they are finally trying to find out what the heck is my mobile number. Apparently, I exist perhaps only once in a blue moon. No wonder from the age of 23, I was told crudely that they assumed I got married in a faraway land just because I chose to stay in a place I was most comfortable and loved. No wonder I was described as a stranger whom my mother no longer knows as daughter. I can give my mobile number a thousand times, but if I am the only one trying to work things out, there's no point. Does anybody even care I am alive or dead?

I am dealing with many things at the moment. Unnecessary accusation that I abandon the family, etc. just because I didn't call home is going to bring me down to the pit.

You can choose to judge me as an ungrateful brat. Honestly, I am too exhausted to want to talk about it anymore. God knows my heart best.