Europe Countdown: Day 57

I am leaving on 8th August 2011. Today is 12th June 2011. There are 57 days left, including today. I shall try to blog as much as I could, counting down the everyday I have in Malaysia. I never thought I'd leave my homeland, but I have always yearned to know how it is like to live in another foreign country.

Indeed, God is good and He answers to our prayers. It is a prayer answered, though I have no inkling of what challenges are waiting for me after 8th August 2011. In fact, I don't have an idea what lies beyond today, or beyond this very minute. It sounds a bit depressing, but I know beneath the depression I'm experiencing right now, there is bubbling excitement. I am spending a lot of time alone this year, the loneliness is beyond comprehension at times. But it is also a time for me to wonder the reason of me being placed in such a condition. Did I choose to be alone and isolated? Or my mind has chosen to reduce the pain of leaving this place?

Gosh. Nine years ain't a short time. My youth I spent wandering in the desert of hope and love. Yet, I know I have been strengthened, even when I thought I did not change a single bit. Last night I met up with some friends whom I did not see for years. We moved on in our arena of lives, and we seem to live well without one another. Then, we were all linked together in a vicious cycle for three years or more, by one single person who wanted to conquer the best of both worlds. Yet, this person collapsed in the end and lives now in an automated world of making money as the sole purpose of life while being married to a lady who loves him like maniac. The other one is in his own imaginary world in a foreign land, while the two of us found Jesus respectively as we journey along the path of healing. We changed, for better or for worse. Definitely we no longer belong to the same vicious cycle. Thank God for the catching up, knowing that this friendship remains, but lives go on.

In less than 24 hours, school reopens and I have to ask for 3 days off from work because of my future plans. I can't really tell out loud, because it is not yet the time. Yet, those whom I am close to in real life I hope I have informed properly of the good news which also brings heartaches. Both side of the same coin, I kept reminding myself...

Happy Pentecost!

Today's bible verse for reflection:

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Pentecost: The Outpouring of the Holy Spirit

Today is the eve of Pentecost, and this evening we'll be serving mass in Sacred Heart Cathedral, Kota Kinabalu. In fact, this is the last Pentecost weekend I will serve in KK. After this, in 8 weeks time, I will have to start a new journey to a new place, with everything so foreign, so alien for me. The Spirit moves in my life in a very strange, yet loving way. I could not comprehend how all these can be, but I look forward for more of the Spirit who is the God of love.

For months I have been hiding in a nutshell, because I don't want others to speculate everything which I do. I, too, am hiding behind my masks. Beneath the masks, I am just another fragile, broken and fearful girl. Sometimes, I wish I could show more of who I am to everyone without needing to fear that my vulnerability becomes a tool for others to hurt me. So I hide under the masks of unbeatable strength, confidence, and perhaps, solitary life is what I do best. But, I am as human as everyone is, so I also would love companions who would not think of me as weird or fearsome...

Last night, I experienced disappointment because my request was rejected by a friend whom I really trust to lean on when I am helpless. Indeed, human beings are born to be selfish. Who would use the excuse that they need to pick up their husbands who would be at work at 4pm when ask to send their friend to the airport? So I know that I can not trust the possibility of asking for help from this cherished friend anymore. No point hanging out or chilling at her place when I feel lonely anymore, for she probably never treats me as her friend, but a burden, really.

Six years ago, I declined the offer to further my studies in Korea, and chose to stay behind in KK to continue my Masters degree. Yet, a year later, I chose to discontinue the research because of the problems that came with it. Money is the root cause to it, or maybe, my lack of confidence to go through it. My parents, especially my mother, harped on the issues of returning PTPTN loan, living allowance, monetary problems at home every time she called me. I am the eldest in the family, the feeling of inability to provide less problems to the family seeped into my mind and I felt inadequate as a child. There was no research fund for the project I was doing, and the main supervisor refused to let me do another project because she needed my results. All these overburdened my shoulders and the only way to stop all these from haunting me was to walk away from biotech research and get a job with stable monthly income.

Hence, I started working. Yeah, stable, monthly income for a 5-day job with a horrible unmarried female manager. Not only she was a micro-manager who could not bear anyone else with a qualification higher than hers (she had only SPM at the time of me working there), she googled my I/C no and full name, then forwarded links to my colleagues, using me as a joke of the day. Any person with a healthy mental status wouldn't sign him/herself as "Inspector xxxx" using company internal email with the header of "Sia jadi CIA" (translates to "I become CIA"). Not only that, she too, accused me of trying to open the door of my company of an off day by asking the locksmith in the same building, and also trying to hook up with my client (who happened to my friend's colleague and I was just trying to assist a friend - oh yeah, whom she tried so hard to buy him a mango cheesecake but was rejected). When I found out about the email, I decided to resign. And in February 2008, I left the company (thank God!!).

God provided a new job with new challenges. A LOT. It was then when I realize I want to continue my studies. Yet, again and again, I did not make the move to find out more and see what lies ahead of me. Yeah, the fears gripped me tight - of money, and constant harping from my family about loans etc. As much as I know my talents are being wasted, I stayed behind. I know my mission was not completed. There was an evil head who did many bad things to me, trying so hard to get rid of me all the time. Nobody was looking at the spiritual growth of the people under our care. The organization was breaking apart, drift caused by the head himself. I was broken, from inside out. But the Lord was with me, and He is still with me. And I thank God that He stays with me always, to let me survived the reign of the evil head.

I attended seminars, pumped myself with religious books, talked to numerous people. And the conclusion is "it is time to move on and use my talents as how God has given me". Now, I am in the cycle where all the harpings and problems arise. I can barely breathe, I can barely survive. But I can only continue trusting in God, who promise me that I am His child and He will always be with me.

Today is Pentecost, may the Holy Spirit shows Himself to all people of God. Amen.

Surfing at Friend's

I finally moved out from my house last Monday night. When I reversed my car out for the last time from the house, a strange emotion overwhelmed me. I guess it's due to the fact that I stayed there for 6 years. It's a long time to remain in a place not my own actually. Well, I never expected to stay there for so long, as much as I never expected to move out so suddenly though I know one day I would have to take the step of moving.

A few strenuous days spent just to pack and wrap all my belongings, especially heavy academic books using plastics and also brown paper. Oh well, I have no choice but to post all these books home as I wouldn't have a place call my own for a while. Until I have more money? Or until I've decided where in the world should I reside in future... At the moment, just staying in rented room. So there's practically no point of me hoisting all the books with me whenever I need to move in and out of rooms, right?

Time is passing by swiftly. It's barely three months to World Youth Day! Clock is ticking - tick, tock, tick, tock.....

Time to go home. Another two more book reviews to be done!

The Final Summit by Andy Andrews

In The Final Summit, Andy Andrews wrote about the Travelers, with David Ponder as the leader who lives in the present time, gathered to find a solution to the ultimate question which would save humanity from further destruction. The story started with an introduction of who David Ponder was and his achievements in life, including the fact that he was one of the many Travelers. He had a pouch with Seven Secrets of Success and the author had fairly given a brief overview for readers who did not first read the books in the series.

In the final summit, David Ponder was allowed five other travelers to assist him in giving a final solution to the ultimate question posted by the archangel Gabriel, a servant of God Himself. Sir Winston Churchill was his co-leader for this summit. These five included Abraham Lincoln, St. Joan of Arc, King David, Eric Erickson and George Washington Carver. There were many other famous names being mentioned but that's for you to discover as you read on.

Interesting with a twist of humor inserted at the right moment makes this book enjoyable to me since the moment I started reading it. With a satisfied sigh, I finished the book and definitely an achievement as I journeyed with the characters to find the final two-word answer to the great question to save humanity. I'd definitely recommend it to all who enjoy reading, and seeking the truth about humanity and life.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Packing Weekend...

Let's see what I need to tick off my list:

1. Change address for streamyx - DONE

2. Pack and seal all my stuffs in the current room - NOT DONE

3. Wash all my clothes and pack them respectively - NOT DONE

4. School work - NOT DONE

5. Moving out from current room - NOT DONE

6. Change mailing address for my phone bill, credit card bill, insurances - NOT DONE

I guess I have more "not done" than "done", and here I am, lying flat because I couldn't move much. My muscles are aching like crazy now, every single inch of them - arms, thighs, fingers. And I got like more than 3 blue-blacks on my legs. It just happened...

Now I'm using the last bit of my streamyx. Apparently TM will cut it off at 12am, but at the moment, I still can use it... Thank God.

I would have been homeless if Irene didn't agree to let me stay with her for the coming two weeks... Then move to the tiny place right opposite my workplace until further notice. This uncertainty isn't something I expected, but yeah, it just comes.. So, COME WHAT MAY.

In fact, I can't imagine not having internet for two weeks... But I know I'm going to be alright. There are three book reviews to be done, which means reading 3 books I just received from Thomas Nelson publisher recently..

Zzz time... I wonder I would still have access to internet when I wake up?

God bless all.

Kiddo Behaving Like Adult

Early this morning, barely 15 minutes of being in this workplace, I have experienced a complete embarrassment against the statement I made a couple of weeks ago about "treating teens like an adult" and then humiliation about my very own brood of teens. I am a protective mother hen by nature, but it made me look like a complete, total fool in front of my brood when their discipline mistress walked in and asked them to surrender their mobiles right in front of me, the form teacher, even before I get to address the issue. I hate the feeling of betrayal from my brood. It's as though they never heard what I said for the past five months. All I could think is "YEAH-LAH, TREATING THEM LIKE ADULTS HUH??!!! RIDICULOUS!!!"

I'm told that if I treat teenagers like children, they will behave like one. And they will perhaps take the responsibility of a semi-adult if we start treating them like one, and giving them the responsibility they ought to start experiencing. I'm not angry that my fellow colleague walked in and started questioning my brood of teens, but I am totally out-witted by these people whom I cared so much and relied to survive starting 2011. I believed in their potentials, despite the fact many have given up hope. Now I start questioning myself... Am I doing it right to allow them to take responsibility of their own behavior by telling them what's right or wrong, and let them decide which way they want to head to? Am I wrong to believe in them? Now, I really have no idea how to treat them. Yes, I told them I don't care what they do anymore. My abilities are way below what they need.

I still believe that a child will behave like a kid if we treat them like one. And it is so dang obvious when everybody else is treating them like kids, hence they behave like KIDS.

Indeed, enough is enough. How much I have, I gave all away. Now, I have no more.

Mankind's Absurdity!

Why would anyone think that eating monkey brain can get you closer to God? Goodness. Even though God made men to be lord over the whole animal kingdom, but that doesn't mean we should practice cruelty towards the living things which have no defense against. Again, we're called to be lord over the animals so that we will protect them.

Sigh. Mankind and the amusement of cruel act. Totally off God's plan for mankind. The influence of satan. So, we should all say, "Get away from me, satan, in Jesus' name!"