Fear of Intimacy

Just now before everyone left the staff room, some teachers and I began a chat over walking dogs to lose weight. The conversation was veered to the point that some dogs have psychological issue about intimacy. Apparently the teacher who has two dogs mentioned that one of the dogs would get jealous over the other and starts biting the other when that dog gets more attention from its owner. However, the dog would walk off if the owner decides to give a fair share of love to it.

As I reflected on the issue of the psycho dog after they left, I started to wonder if humans, too, have the fear of intimacy... And yes, I think I do have somewhat that fear that accompanies codependency in terms of human relationships. Not to mention I'm like a dog, but I could relate to this "psycho" issue. I sometimes would start wondering if I'm less likable compare to the other people when others decidedly be talking more to another person instead of me. Then what happened was I would get frustrated. But when the person gives me attention, I would make things worse by being nasty or critical, making a mess out of the relationship. Maybe some of you who finds a possible chance that you too may have fear of intimacy can comment on it?

Maybe I do have psycho issue, like the dog of my friend. Or maybe, I just need help to correct my distorted, disillusioned outlook of relationships. Like how Lasik can correct short-sightedness.

This blog has a few readers who are my students. I sometimes wonder at what point should I disclose how I feel about things.

So What If I'm Fat?

Some real life situations ignited my intention of writing about this topic. Many people are struggling with this issue of being overweight, fat, obese -- self-image. Males, who use their visual instinct to judge beauty by nature, assess females based on their "checklist" of fatness in different parts of female body.

Hence the real topic behind the title is: What is the worth of physical beauty?

Personally, physical beauty is the first impression of one individual towards another. For example, I find men with straight nose and broad shoulders more attractive than the rest of the men. However, I find that what appeals me to continue befriending these men with possible straight nose and broad shoulders would be their personalities and characteristics. If they are good looking but their characters kanasai-ed (kana = like, sai = sh*t), would you continue being attracted to them?

What I truly believe is the nature of Christ to those who know Him will be within the individuals, no matter they are flat or round or tall or short! In 1 Corinthians 11:1, St. Paul encouraged the people in Corinth by these words: "Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ." What I understand is all of us must imitate Christ and His nature, just as how St. Paul imitated Christ. If we want to follow Jesus, we must die to our old-self and embrace the new-self... Like what's written in Galatians 2:20, "and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

So, the issue of physical beauty is void if we see each other in a deeper level, where Jesus becomes the Person we see in our brothers and sisters in the Lord. Well, to end this entry, I have to admit that I am also struggling with self-image and self-esteem. I have finally come to senses that God loves me no matter how round, how fat, how tall, how short, how thin I am. He loves me for who I am, and accepts all my flaws. Without those flaws and cracks in my life, how would He be glorified then?

May God's holy name be glorified, now and forever. Amen!

Pax et bonum.

A Dream Birthday Surprise

Everybody loves surprises. Me? Of course! Well, there is a dream birthday surprise which I concocted the other night prior to bed after which no longer a surprise after publishing it online. Still, I hope one day a somebody would actually do something so sweet like this for me. Hehe!

Let's see, the story goes like this:

When the clock strike 12 am on 31st October, a cool, cute-looking dude walks excitedly to the girl's doorstep and ask for her. So when she comes to the door, all she can see is a HUGE BOUQUET of ROSES with two legs! Yup, you're laughing, all right! Roses... a huge bouquet of white / ivory roses with a single stalk of red rose in the midst of it. And there-you-go! So this cool, cute dude will pass it to the girl a card with a mysterious map on it, muttered happy birthday shyly and left.

The girl will be left standing at the doorway hugging the huge bouquet of roses, stunned & jaw-dropped. After regaining her posture, she gives it a thought and peeps at the card and decides to check it out the next evening.

.......

In the evening, the cool, cute guy is busy getting ready for the second surprise. With the help of his buddies, they lighted about 100 coloured candles around the basketball court nearby his place. And this guy is filled with anxiety and nervousness.

"What if she doesn't turn up??" was filling his brain space of thoughts... And the buddies give him some friendly punches and shoo him off the court pondering. As he is walking around, he sees the headlights of a tiny car and informs his buddies. They hide well, and the cool, cute-looking dude stands in the middle of the burning candles with a lovely cake waiting nervously for the girl.

.......

All the girl feels is surprise within a surprise. Looking at the cool, cute-looking but very extremely nervous dude, she feels so honoured, so loved, and so touched.

So what do you think? Good plot? Hehe! My colleagues said it sounded like a fairy tale. What say you, my dear readers? :P

Can I Have A Glass of Water?

In the Gospel of Mark, Jesus said these two verses to His disciples:

"If anyone gives you a cup of water to drink because you belong to Christ, then in truth I tell you, he will most certainly not lost his reward. But anyone who is the downfall of one of these little ones who have faith, would be better thrown into the sea with a great millstone hung around his neck."
~ Mark 9:41-42 ~

Have you ever offered a cup of water to a little child? Or have you done enough damage to one? I have to admit there are times when I should have used better phrases against my own students (who supposedly to have fragile heart syndrome due to hormonal influences), but somehow I, too, fall to this trap of the Satan... to get irritated and eventually become sarcastic and angry. Yet, what JC (acronym of Jesus Christ) taught us to offer more than what we have to others because in every other person we come into contact with, there is Christ dwelling in them. So it is fair and square when JC said that he who offers a cup of water to the one who belongs to Him will not lose his reward (whatever that may be).

Besides, in v.42 JC warned His disciples (did you know that includes US too?) that if we jeopardize one's faith or cause downfall to the people with child-like faith for God, we will also receive punishment. He would love us, His followers, to live with a heart of compassion for everyone and offer all that we can give to those around us. And that is how we can pass on the faith by expressing faith through love (cf. Galatians 5:6).

What are you thinking right now? Are you doing what you think you are doing? Or are you in tune with what God is calling you to do? Fr. Stan touched my heart deeply and stirred my heart to serve His people when he sang the song "Here I am, Lord" during the two-day Youth Rally in Foo Chow Hall, KK in his last session. And the song's chorus sounds like this:

Here I am, Lord! Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if You lead me,
I will hold Your people in my heart.

Have you answered His call tonight? Have you done what He asks of you tonight? Do you have fears to plough through the darkness, not knowing what is the next thing God has in plan for you? No worries, you're not alone in this journey. I also share the same issue about taking steps of faith, no matter how tiny it may be, in order to answer that call that He has shown me since I was a teenager. I have done what I can for the past one year, and God is asking for more (I think maybe God likes to drink Pepsi - you know, Ask for More!) than just what I have been doing. It is going to take me great courage to swallow huge ego and lotsa pride in order to voice out my desire to the rightful "authority" on earth so that I can plough through my plains in His light.

May His everlasting light shine upon us as we sleep through the night and work through the day (or study). God bless all. Pax et bonum.

P/S: Comments are always welcomed. The more the merrier! :P

Metamorphosis

Ever heard of the word "metamorphosis"? This is the definition given by TheFreeDictionary:

met·a·mor·pho·sis

n. pl. met·a·mor·pho·ses

1. A transformation, as by magic or sorcery.

2. A marked change in appearance, character, condition, or function.

3. Biology A change in the form and often habits of an animal during normal development after the embryonic stage. Metamorphosis includes, in insects, the transformation of a maggot into an adult fly and a caterpillar into a butterfly and, in amphibians, the changing of a tadpole into a frog.

4. Pathology A usually degenerative change in the structure of a particular body tissue.

Do you think that as human beings, we also go through metamorphosis? I think we do, in one way or another... Definition-wise, when human beings undergo metamorphosis, we'll be categorized under the second definition, which a marked change in appearance, character, condition, or function... Maybe some of you, my dear readers, often undergo metamorphosis, like a chameleon... But for many, it is tough to change something which has been in them, with them, like FOREVER~

I know it is hard for me to change an attitude that had been with me forever, but I know I gotta try this time... To wake up and emerge from the cocoon as a butterfly in springtime. I was a caterpillar, ugly and full of furry, itching hairs to protect myself. Now, I'm inside the cocoon, a season for change... I can't stay in a cocoon forever, and I can't revert back to the caterpillar stage. I'm IN it for the transformation...

And I hope you out there also are IN for a season of metamorphosis.

A bible verse that I'd like to share with you about metamorphosis is from the letter of St. Paul to the Romans:

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God -- what is good and acceptable and perfect."
~ Romans 12:2 ~

God bless and have a wonderful day at work (for many of you, including me!) or in school!

Book Cafe Dream

taken from http://www.flatm.kr/work/sukara.html/

I started dreaming last week... That instead of working my ass off everyday for some sort of income at the end of the month, I dream of having a book cafe of my own (due to the increasing amount of books stored in my dirty, dog-nested, rented room). A haven for readers, especially books with Christian themes. Good cuppa coffee/tea/hot cocoa and delicious snacks... Yups, cakes, home-made cakes & brownies. Selling good, worth-for-money books, even 2nd hand ones... Right in the middle of a busy down town street, a haven of peace and love. Definitely with comfy couches and big, oversized pillows on the floor... and yes, wooden floor boards. And brown, orange, yellow, red... Warm cozy coloured walls of different colours... And brown book shelves and a sleek bar counter. Good music, P&W music, Jazz, RnB... And a good, loving partner to care for the cafe. Not forgetting loyal, Christ-like employees... With blackboard & chalk kind of menu board.

Any possibility? Me with no savings and no boundaries at the moment, I can't imagine too far away... But yes, I have always wanted my own business in future...

Here's What I'm Reading

Well... There are so many things that can keep me up until 3 am in the morning these days... One of these will be...

Yeah... reading. And yes, thinking. Now it's 313 am, and I'm both hungry and thinking. Not a great idea when the only eatable stuffs are raw vegetables and frozen chicken meat. Dang! I'm very hungry now.

This is a great issue to be dealt with. What have I landed myself into?

Enough with my ramblings. Just trying to make numbers on my entries. Maybe I should switch off all my handphones and the internet for a day or two. Just to play invisible man. Well, not that I'm very visible these days. LOL! Oh well... Just another low-glucose rambling. Don't take it to heart, dearies.

Roger n out.